Can't get the girls I like to like me back - Help!!!!

[TheSkaFish]

Well, let's get down to brass tacks - my problem is just that. I can't, to save my life, get the girls I like to like me back. Also, I've never had a girlfriend before, period. Whenever I meet a girl I like, I get nowhere with her, no matter how much we have in common nor how well we can converse and even joke. I'm at a loss to why - though I have my guesses I'll explain later.

To start with, I'll share about myself. I'm 27, male, nearly 6' 0". I'm about average build, on the thin side but not extremely so. I'm healthy, not an athlete or anything but I'm not UN-healthy. I am college educated. I drink in moderation, and don't smoke at all or do drugs. I am not particularly talented at anything because I started things so late in life, but I have many interests, such as reading, drawing, roleplaying games, guitar, writing, bike riding, going for walks, animals, history, and more. I don't know if I would call myself good-looking, but I don't really think I am ugly either - maybe I am, who knows. But I don't feel like I'm that bad that looks are my main problem.

This is me:

Women especially, I'd like your honest opinion on if you believe looks are my problem. I am trying to get to the bottom of this and I can only learn from the truth.

The kinds of girls I'm attracted to, I guess you could say, are traditionally pretty girls that are into un-traditional things. For example - I was attracted to a girl who had a very beautiful appearance, but was rough-and-tumble in nature - she was very adventurous and outdoorsy, and also enjoyed things like guitar, D&D, reading, writing, sci fi and fantasy. Awesome, I thought. We could definitely hold a good conversation, but then she met some guy and was gone. I was totally overlooked. Then I started really getting to know another girl, again, lovely in the traditional sense, but not a bar or club girl. She was a reader just like me, passionate music fan, and into all sorts of things like philosophy and science and conspiracy theories and aliens. I got to know her for the better part of a year, with her telling me some very very sweet things that sounded like girlfriend things to me. She acted like we were close, and seemed really interested in talking to me and seeing me do well. But it didn't matter in the end, because once again, she passed me up for someone else. I was angry, sad, and just all-around very hurt. There is one more girl I'm interested in but I'm really really reluctant to try to get to know her, given how I seem to completely fail with anyone I actually want.

A small handful of girls have shown slight interest in me in the past, but I was not attracted to them. Most recently, I was shown interest by a girl who was not necessarily unattractive, but did not interest me either because I felt I could not be truly interested in her knowing that those other girls I liked were out there. She just didn't excite me more than they do and had I accepted, I would always have wished I was with them instead. I wasn't trying to attract anyone who gave me attention either - just pointing out the contrast. Random girls might like me, but I can't get the ones I want to like me back.

Now, my problems. This is what I believe may be the problems that cause me to fail with girls. For one, I am currently jobless. I wouldn't doubt that it is a problem, but I do have my degree though, so I believe I will fix that one soon. Second, looks. I don't believe myself to be ugly, but then again, I tend to be interested in exceptionally pretty girls, so maybe I'm not up to snuff with them. Third, I don't have a whole lot of stories or do a lot. Like I said, I have interests, but I'm not that good at them, and because I've been jobless and therefore moneyless, I don't go out a lot and I live with my parents.

I can't think of any other reasons why I'm not able to win over the girls I want, but I figure, sometimes we have a hard time seeing our own faults. Again, I'm 27 and have never had a girlfriend before at all, so that has me thinking that I must be doing something wrong. Anything you all are seeing that I'm not, would be appreciated. I really want to solve this so I'm open to any and all ideas.

 

[xaero]

I don't think looks are your problem. I wouldn't call your experiences with these girls failures; you've just had some bad luck is all. Have you asked any of these girls why they decided to date someone else? You might learn something from their answers. It wouldn't hurt to ask. Did you try asking any of them out?

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't think looks are your problem. I wouldn't call your experiences with these girls failures; you've just had some bad luck is all. Have you asked any of these girls why they decided to date someone else? You might learn something from their answers. It wouldn't hurt to ask. Did you try asking any of them out?

Well, I never asked the first one why, but I believe the answer is because I moved too slow with her. With the second girl, that's the one that really confuses me. She said all kinds of wonderful things to me for almost a year, then one day said she was seeing someone else. I was really hurt, but she said she didn't want to ruin me. She said she needs to be balanced out, I don't know, it sounded like a bunch of nonsense to me, especially considering that she would start the majority of our conversations and really showed interest in me for months and months. From her words alone, it looked like she cared and it sounded like more than friends was an option. She was always saying how I made her happy and how she enjoyed me and how she missed me when I was gone, and to hug her or that I should come cuddle. She told me she wished I lived by her and that she wanted to watch movies with me under blankets. At one time she even asked me what I would do if she tried to get me to sleep with her. I said I would. She would joke about that with me sometime too. And not only that, but we could hold regular conversations too. So I really don't get why she said we wouldn't be good together.

 

[ladyforsaken]

As what xaero said, don't think your appearance is the problem here. If anything, I think some girls should find you attractive.

I am sometimes baffled myself at the reasons why someone who is confident and good looking cannot find someone to like them back. I have a friend like that. But it could also be because she is a workaholic.

That aside, I feel that perhaps you have just been hitting up girls who do not complement you or your character/needs genuinely. The girls you talk about seem to be "putting it on" and aren't interested in a proper relationship but just out to have fun. I hear about this a lot lately so I thought this could be it.

Hmm, honestly I think you should keep socialising, meet new people, make new friends because only then will you eventually meet that person who suits you just right. Bit of luck too, I suppose... I think it would help a lot if you try to keep a positive mindset, do good and positive things and also improve your situation such as getting a job, for a start.

Good luck.

 

[xaero]

Well, I never asked the first one why, but I believe the answer is because I moved too slow with her. With the second girl, that's the one that really confuses me. She said all kinds of wonderful things to me for almost a year, then one day said she was seeing someone else. I was really hurt, but she said she didn't want to ruin me. She said she needs to be balanced out, I don't know, it sounded like a bunch of nonsense to me, especially considering that she would start the majority of our conversations and really showed interest in me for months and months. From her words alone, it looked like she cared and it sounded like more than friends was an option. She was always saying how I made her happy and how she enjoyed me and how she missed me when I was gone, and to hug her or that I should come cuddle. She told me she wished I lived by her and that she wanted to watch movies with me under blankets. At one time she even asked me what I would do if she tried to get me to sleep with her. I said I would. She would joke about that with me sometime too. And not only that, but we could hold regular conversations too. So I really don't get why she said we wouldn't be good together.

Was this a long distance relationship? If it was, that may have been why she decided to part ways. It sounds like she loved you. Sometimes loving someone means knowing when to let them go. Love is selfless.

My advice to you is try not to think about it and move on. Don't dwell on the past. Live in the present, plan for the future and never look back. Easier said than done, I know. You will find someone eventually in real life to share all those things with.

One last word of advice. Don't look for love. Look for friendship. At the root of any loving relationship is a solid friendship.

 

[lostatsea]

I'm just going throw out there you remind me of that wolf from the twilight movies.

 

[Case]

I'm a guy, so this is from a dude's perspective. My first thought is that these women saw you as a friend, not a lover. They saw you as a good guy that they could pour our their feelings to and didn't have to worry about you hitting on them because you were safe. My guess is that you never escalated these friendships into romantic ones, and so, you never found out if these women were interested in you "in that way."

What is escalation? Flirting. Light teasing with a smile. (If you tease her and she punches you in the arm while laughing, you are doing it right. If you tease her and she recoils and responds with a shocked look on her face, you're doing it wrong.) Touching or holding her hand, squeezing her arm when you compliment her, all work wonders if she's into you. (If she pulls away, honor her boundaries by toning it down. Try again on another day. If she recoils again, she's either not into you, or you're scaring her and you just need to move slower. Always respect her choices.)

If you want more than a friendship with these women, you need to escalate rather quickly once you have gained a rapport with her. If you wait, you lose your opportunity pretty quickly, and in many cases, you'll never get another chance.

A personal example: I was at a party talking to a girl I worked with who I really liked but had never flirted with her. She flirted with me like crazy at work, so I knew she was interested, but I never reciprocated because I needed to maintain a professional demeanor. At this party, the booze was flowing, and my inhibitions were non-existent. We were sitting on a couch together when she put her head on my shoulder. (Indicator of interest.) I instinctively placed my hand on the top of her head and started stroking her hair. (Essentially telling her, "I see your indicator of interest, and I raise you my own.") We made out like crazy soon after, and I'll leave the rest of the story to your imagination.

Later on, she told me that in all the time she had known me, she thought I didn't like her. My professional "mask" got in the way of my clear interest in her. Once the mask came off and I indicated interest, we were off and running.

The lesson I learned is this: If you like a woman, definitely be her friend, but you must also escalate your friendship into one where she sees you as a romantic possibility.

I don't know if any of this will help, but I wish you great success.

 

[rudechaos]

As what xaero said, don't think your appearance is the problem here. If anything, I think some girls should find you attractive.

I am sometimes baffled myself at the reasons why someone who is confident and good looking cannot find someone to like them back. I have a friend like that. But it could also be because she is a workaholic.

That aside, I feel that perhaps you have just been hitting up girls who do not complement you or your character/needs genuinely. The girls you talk about seem to be "putting it on" and aren't interested in a proper relationship but just out to have fun. I hear about this a lot lately so I thought this could be it.

Hmm, honestly I think you should keep socialising, meet new people, make new friends because only then will you eventually meet that person who suits you just right. Bit of luck too, I suppose... I think it would help a lot if you try to keep a positive mindset, do good and positive things and also improve your situation such as getting a job, for a start.

Good luck.

I agree with everything Lady said.

 

[chrish]

I'm a guy, so this is from a dude's perspective. My first thought is that these women saw you as a friend, not a lover. They saw you as a good guy that they could pour our their feelings to and didn't have to worry about you hitting on them because you were safe. My guess is that you never escalated these friendships into romantic ones, and so, you never found out if these women were interested in you "in that way."

What is escalation? Flirting. Light teasing with a smile. (If you tease her and she punches you in the arm while laughing, you are doing it right. If you tease her and she recoils and responds with a shocked look on her face, you're doing it wrong.) Touching or holding her hand, squeezing her arm when you compliment her, all work wonders if she's into you. (If she pulls away, honor her boundaries by toning it down. Try again on another day. If she recoils again, she's either not into you, or you're scaring her and you just need to move slower. Always respect her choices.)

If you want more than a friendship with these women, you need to escalate rather quickly once you have gained a rapport with her. If you wait, you lose your opportunity pretty quickly, and in many cases, you'll never get another chance.

A personal example: I was at a party talking to a girl I worked with who I really liked but had never flirted with her. She flirted with me like crazy at work, so I knew she was interested, but I never reciprocated because I needed to maintain a professional demeanor. At this party, the booze was flowing, and my inhibitions were non-existent. We were sitting on a couch together when she put her head on my shoulder. (Indicator of interest.) I instinctively placed my hand on the top of her head and started stroking her hair. (Essentially telling her, "I see your indicator of interest, and I raise you my own.") We made out like crazy soon after, and I'll leave the rest of the story to your imagination.

Later on, she told me that in all the time she had known me, she thought I didn't like her. My professional "mask" got in the way of my clear interest in her. Once the mask came off and I indicated interest, we were off and running.

The lesson I learned is this: If you like a woman, definitely be her friend, but you must also escalate your friendship into one where she sees you as a romantic possibility.

I don't know if any of this will help, but I wish you great success.

I agree with a lot of the posts in this thread but especialy this, I'm a guy so this is from a guys point of view again, In my opinion you have to be like a gay friend.. But not gay, if that makes sense, put yourself out there if you get on, give her lots of physical contact, holding hands ect... but don't go to far, let her make the next move, that is in my opinion though.. The best advise is live your life, make stories to tell people, get a job and move out, its not essential, but it helps, good luck.

 

[Dr. Strangelove]

You're trapping yourself in the friendzone. When you make that first connection with a girl (where it is obvious to the both of you that you can be more than friends) you need to raise it to the next level.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Was this a long distance relationship? If it was, that may have been why she decided to part ways. It sounds like she loved you. Sometimes loving someone means knowing when to let them go. Love is selfless.

My advice to you is try not to think about it and move on. Don't dwell on the past. Live in the present, plan for the future and never look back. Easier said than done, I know. You will find someone eventually in real life to share all those things with.

One last word of advice. Don't look for love. Look for friendship. At the root of any loving relationship is a solid friendship.

Yea, it was long-distance. I met her on another forum and then we became Facebook friends and started talking. She requested me first, actually. I always knew it was crazy because she lived in Canada and I lived in the USA (but nowhere near Canada. I was a time zone away). But I wasn't attracted to anyone in or around my circle of friends. Everyone here is plain, but she was exciting. And we really connected conversationally, she really fascinated me. Also, I couldn't have been happier with her looks. She would always say we meshed well. She even on a couple occasions actually said she loved me.

I really hope I can reconnect with her somehow. Maybe I just need to ride out this phase of hers, she's considerably younger (but not enough that it's wrong for me to want her, I am not that kind of person). But idk. It's a really bad situation and I wish I was the kind of person that has an easier time getting what they want.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Has anyone been able to escape the friend zone then? If so, how would you do it?

 

[EveWasFramed]

Has anyone been able to escape the friend zone then? If so, how would you do it?

Im not so sure it's the "friend zone" you need to be concerned about.

LDRs are certainly possible, but only under the right circumstances.
It's my opinion that the majority will fail for various reasons. I think it's likely that the biggest reason is people meet someone in their area and think about the "a bird in the hand" expression.

"Oh...here is this person that lives 12 hours from me (or maybe even in another country) that I really like and have been talking to for several months on line, but here is this person that lives close by and we seem to get along great."
"Do I go for the person that I like who lives a plane ride away, or do I go for the one that lives 20 minutes from me?"

I guess that's a question that only they can answer, but I have a feeling that, if the feelings are almost equal, they are going to pick the one who is closest.
Try not to take it to heart either. Im sure it was nothing against you as a person. Geography can be a bitch. lol

 

[TheSkaFish]

Has anyone been able to escape the friend zone then? If so, how would you do it?

Im not so sure it's the "friend zone" you need to be concerned about.

LDRs are certainly possible, but only under the right circumstances.
It's my opinion that the majority will fail for various reasons. I think it's likely that the biggest reason is people meet someone in their area and think about the "a bird in the hand" expression.

"Oh...here is this person that lives 12 hours from me (or maybe even in another country) that I really like and have been talking to for several months on line, but here is this person that lives close by and we seem to get along great."
"Do I go for the person that I like who lives a plane ride away, or do I go for the one that lives 20 minutes from me?"

I guess that's a question that only they can answer, but I have a feeling that, if the feelings are almost equal, they are going to pick the one who is closest.
Try not to take it to heart either. Im sure it was nothing against you as a person. Geography can be a bitch. lol

Yea, I know. What sucks all the more is that she actually talked to me about moving to Canada. Not just once either, but several times. I don't know. I can never tell with her. One day she asks me what I would do if she tried to seduce me, I answer that I would go along with it, and she tells me that she is relieved that it's not bothering her brain until we talk next. The next, she is telling me she found some guy. I just don't know. I don't know why she brought up any of those things or any of the other laundry list of things she said if I meant zilch to her. Why bother?

Of course it figures the only other girls I've ever met that I REALLY like, that have what I want, are ones who also live far away that I met online. So I don't even have anyone to replace her with. No one around here even comes close, there is no way I could convince myself that I am where I want to be with them knowing who is out there. And it's not like I'm out in the country where there's no one for miles, I live near a very major metropolitan area. It's hard.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Geography can be a bitch. lol

Oh how I agree.

 

[jaguarundi]

You could just be having bad luck really liking girls who aren't living anywhere near you. It also occurs that you are subconsciously choosing girls who just aren't going to be available.

If it is the latter, maybe you have some issues over intimacy, or afraid of getting hurt (been hurt or abandoned before)? So it's a bit of preemptive sabotage going on?

Maybe not - offered as a thought for you to dismiss if you choose!

 

[chrish]

Geography can be a bitch. lol

Oh how I agree.

That is so true

 

[TheSkaFish]

No, I don't think it's any kind of underlying sabotage. I haven't really been hurt or abandoned in the past, and I'm not afraid of intimacy. Sometimes I question if I am really mature enough for a girlfriend, but I don't feel afraid of experiencing a relationship. I feel it's more like, the kind of girl I want is just that rare. It's not even really a type...they've all been distinct individuals. Most girls around here seem to just be into things like their job, shopping, fashion, restaurants and bars, TV, and local sports teams. I'm trying to be less judgmental, so those interests aren't "wrong" necessarily, a lot of guys can relate to most of those easily but I'd like someone who differentiates themselves, you know? It would feel like a more rewarding, memorable connection.

 

[jaguarundi]

Then I guess you have to keep trying Skafish!! There is a girlie saying that "you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a Prince." Tis a bit hard on frogs, but you get the gist. . .

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

No, I don't think it's any kind of underlying sabotage. I haven't really been hurt or abandoned in the past, and I'm not afraid of intimacy. Sometimes I question if I am really mature enough for a girlfriend, but I don't feel afraid of experiencing a relationship. I feel it's more like, the kind of girl I want is just that rare. It's not even really a type...they've all been distinct individuals. Most girls around here seem to just be into things like their job, shopping, fashion, restaurants and bars, TV, and local sports teams. I'm trying to be less judgmental, so those interests aren't "wrong" necessarily, a lot of guys can relate to most of those easily but I'd like someone who differentiates themselves, you know? It would feel like a more rewarding, memorable connection.

Try finding girls who you have more in common with. It's good to keep all you're options open. Some girls don't want to settle down and other girls are willing on having a serious relationship. Just continue to be yourself, talk to different girls who you like and ask them about they're interest. Let them know that you're interested in them. And see what they end up saying, keep you chin up. I'm sure you'll find a lovely lady soon. And keep us updated about you're situation. =)