Changing how you were raised?

[When]

What would it be if you could change anything about how you were raised?

My parents would have shown love, not beatings. My parents would say," we hit you because we love you."

I had very difficult parents. They weren't "parenting" material, in as much they were both suffering from what we now term narcissistic personality disorder. They were, however, exceedingly bright. That made it even more difficult for their offspring, given that they could be highly manipulative, self absorbed and quite often, vicious and unpredictably eruptive. Yet they were glamorous and - for lack of a better term - magnetic to the outside world.

You posed a question I've not heard from another, and a question I've asked myself. Would I change it?? the answer is yes. If I could exchange my raising, I would do it without question. The sacrifices I would make for loving parents, however, would probably mean that I would be less introspective and perhaps - although I don't know - less sensitive to the vulnerable and the plight of people who suffered as you did.

My world is very lonely, but as with many, animals are a salvation.

I think the only way to truly change the past is to let go of it. And I'm in the process of doing that as difficult as it is. But for me, that often means allowing those repressed memories to resurface so they can finally be released. I suppose I'm finally grieving for the lost little kid that would shape me. And in doing so, let the loneliness and its despair that has long plagued me to become a vacuum, that can be filled with something better. That is my hope. And I also hope that you find contentment in your life now. Thanks!!

 

[When]

You don't just fix hating yourself.

Very true. It's hard work and it takes a long time, but I think it starts by being able to forgive ourselves for being human, tasked to contend with all our vulnerabilities. Thanks!!

 

[user 188522]

Very True!

 

[constant stranger]

I wish I'd been raised by parents who valued themselves more than they did, and who then valued their sons more too.
They derived an illusion of validation for themselves by discrediting the 3 boys.
We were a family of self haters. I'm the last one still alive and my goal is to resolve for myself that family curse.

 

[ardour]

I don't believe it's possible to ever fully deprogram from a bad upbringing. The brain is fully developed by mid 20's, beyond that point, personality, self-image are hardwired. Better not to waste effort trying to do a 180 at that point and focus on managing the worst excesses of depression or negative thinking.

 

[user 188644]

I don't believe it's possible to ever fully deprogram from a bad upbringing. The brain is fully developed by mid 20's, beyond that point, personality, self-image are hardwired. Better not to waste effort trying to do a 180 at that point and focus on managing the worst excesses of depression or negative thinking.

But if you try to trace it back to something you're blaming others and making excuses.

 

[When]

I don't believe it's possible to ever fully deprogram from a bad upbringing. The brain is fully developed by mid 20's, beyond that point, personality, self-image are hardwired. Better not to waste effort trying to do a 180 at that point and focus on managing the worst excesses of depression or negative thinking.

Interesting, but I'm not sure that's entirely true. On a personal note, I am a very different person than I was when I was in my twenties. As we age, priorities and points of view can radically change. It only stands to reason, that changes in perspective will impact personality. It's simply a question of degree.

What we learn, what we prioritize as a result, and hence, evolving value systems will alter how we treat others, and ultimately, that will result in a personality change. I am highly anxious now and quite cautious, while in my twenties, was far bolder, some might say reckless, and assuredly I am more introspective and wiser than I was. I take a moral life far more seriously than I did, because along the way, I've interacted with people that demonstrated normality in terms of kindness - something I didn't really know - and importantly, became more worldly.

The brain is not hardwired. That's been proven in terms of the development of neurons and neurological connections that act to circumvent dysfunctional neurons or those that no longer serve us. In many ways, that's what learning is. What trips us up the most is trauma. That involves the hypothalamus, which triggers a flight or fight response that's very hard to control. And that in turn impacts hormonal levels which play a major role as we move through life. But I don't believe we can ever settle on a constant personality. Our gestures and expressions may be established, but our hearts and minds can radically shift. Thanks!!