QuietGuy said:
I'm sorry you don't have your own private room to cry in. Years ago, at night I used to go to a little isolated bench in a park, where no-one would ever find me, and cry sitting on that bench in the darkness. Is there anywhere like that you could go?
Reminds me of 2004, I would go out at midnight or 2am, sometimes without my family knowing, I would go to "my secret place" which was this peaceful area with a small garden fountain and palm trees, that area was always empty and I loved that place because there was a fence and across that fence there was a larger area with
nothing but dirt. (I live in a busy crowded area where the night sky and stars are blocked by tall buildings and light pollution, there is no other place near me as clear as this) This area was the only place where the night sky was truly
the sky, immense and open and stars being the only light! It was so wonderful! I still couldn't cry though but I have always felt very connected to nature and I've always had a deep affection for the rain. I always felt that when it rained, nature was expressing the crying I was incapable of doing and I'd feel so very thankful for nature helping me in this way.
Funnily enough, that particular year, when I needed to cry the most, it rained more than ever, I remember the times that year, watching the news saying how it's been raining in record levels, the flooding on the roads and so many people everywhere talking about it, I felt so much relief, so grateful for nature hearing my plea for more rain. Hmmm I sound crazy, oh well.
About my "secret place", my only reason I was able to leave the house like that was to take the dog out for a walk, now that I don't have that dog and my excuse of, "Oh I just want to take him for a walk"...I can't...really go there anymore without a family member confronting me about it or something.
Just my opinion, but I think you should really experiment with different ways to help you start crying. For me, the essential key is music. It doesn't have to be sad, but it does have to be emotionally powerful. Explore different classical pieces and movie soundtracks, and see which ones tug at your heartstrings.
I think the main problem for me when it comes to crying is the expression itself, I can't allow myself to express it because if I let myself cry, I'm going to get caught and I don't want to get caught. The safest place to cry is in the shower but even then even if I start crying, I quickly stop myself because I don't want any chance of anyone hearing me or anyone noticing the redness after. I worry too much that I might get caught that I immediately stop the crying from even happening.
Still that doesn't happen always, I have sometimes cried loudly and uncontrollably without caring if anyone knows but more often than not, I don't feel better after crying. I guess crying is a way people express their sadness and the way they free themselves of that sadness. I guess I just have other ways of expressing and freeing myself of my sadness, crying not being the main one. I don't know.
I just lie motionless in the dark, feeling completely numb. I know I must not keep the pain bottled up, or my mind will start to collapse.
That's how I get. I feel dead. I lie motionless for a long time, feeling numb, barely blinking, letting my surroundings blur, emptiness in my mind, only me breathing.
Letting things go is the key, just as people cry letting go of their tears, letting go of their negative thoughts and emotions, I let go of myself as a way to heal myself. Letting yourself go, letting yourself fall, letting your mind drift, allowing yourself to open so that all the sadness and pain will simply....disappear. This is my way of expressing, my way of making myself feel better.
I lie motionless, all alone and I let it all go, I let myself be empty, I allow emptiness. Emptiness of my mind, emptiness of my heart, emptiness of my existence, I lie there motionless...and I simply breathe...breathe....breathe...calmly...forget all the pain..forget everything...simply breathe...
...and then...as my mind and my entire being is completely empty and blank, I suddenly feel so at peace, I suddenly feel a rush of love and sweetness inside me, I feel so much clarity in the air. I let myself drift far away...I start hearing ocean waves outside my window...or for example like last night...I heard birds singing...even though there were actually no birds singing. It may seem wrong to people because they may think that "oh you're hearing things that aren't there, you're probably crazy" but no it's actually healthy, it's actually okay to let the mind and senses drift, it's okay to let yourself go, lying motionless in bed, slowly drifting and drifting, falling into a state of soothing bliss.
And then you finally fall asleep into the sweetest of dreams or you get out of bed continuing to feel this soothing calm..even if you're still sad, even if nothing has changed about your life, even if you have reasons to suffer at that moment..just focusing on that soothing nurturing love you feel inside of you...nothing matters, you feel so at peace.
It truly is a wonderful way of letting the pain go, especially for those who can't cry and wish for another way to feel nurturing relief, I may not cry but I do feel so much better when I let myself drift and I suggest anyone to try this at least once in their lives because it truly is very helpful. Simply becoming empty and letting go of all of yourself, there is so much peace and gentleness in the air you breathe, all the pain is replaced with the sensations of soothing, loving warmth.
I guess I can call what I do a form of meditation but I don't consider it meditation at all, it's different than that but in a way similar.
Here's my technique for making myself cry when I actually need to. For a few minutes, I just lie here in the dark with the sad music playing. Then I start thinking about all the wonderful intimate experiences that I'm unable to have. For example, tonight, there was the most beautiful sunset over London, the kind that would have inspired Monet to paint his pictures. I imagined how indescribably wonderful it would be to be sitting on Primrose Hill, cuddling up close to the girl I love, with our arms around each other and her head lying softly on my shoulder, watching the beautiful sunset together in silence in the cool evening air, keeping each other warm with the warmth of our bodies close to each other, so close that we can actually feel our hearts beating with our love for each other. (I love writing my fantasy out like this. Maybe I should try being a writer. But that's enough details of my fantasy for now.)
Once I had that vision of heaven in my mind, I brought myself suddenly and cruelly back to reality. No girl loves me. I'm lying here in bed, in the dark, cold, alone. So alone. Combine that with the sad music, and the tears start flowing, and flowing...
Day dreaming of the things that would make our lives fulfilling and happy, day dreaming of all the happiness, day dreaming of it all and then suddenly reminding one self that none of it is real. Yeah, the times I've actually cried is because of that happening and then I start remembering the facts that nobody loves me, I don't matter to anyone, if I died my own family wouldn't go to my funeral, nobody cares about me, nobody understands me, nobody accepts me, I'm going to die and all that love and deep magic I wanted to share with people is never going to happen.
If I fill my mind with day dreams and reminders like that, I might actually cry but I can't because I'm stubborn and I'm stubborn in believing that I'm not alone even if I am, believe that I am loved even if nobody even acknowledges my existence, I drown myself in the belief that I'm going to be the happiest, I'm going to be cherished even though I know...that I'm not...even though I know full well that there is no chance in hell I'm ever going to be okay....I still feel okay or perhaps it is just numbness.
I guess it's because I've spent every breath, every moment of my life drowning in sadness and negativity that...I can't do it anymore, I can't let myself feel bad anymore. I only want to feel good even if I don't actually
have reasons to feel good, even if nobody loves me I still try to feel loved, even if I have every reason to suffer, I don't want to stay with the emotions that come with those reasons, I only want to be okay and to feel okay I must..experience more goodness, crying is healthy and good but by thinking of the sad things to make myself cry..I try not to think of the sad things anymore because even after I cry, I'm still going to be in pain after.
To clarify, I don't hold anything against you or people who make themselves cry in whatever way they wish, I respect that you guys try to cope the best way you can, I truly do.
People know me as a smiling, cheerful guy, and that's how I want it to stay. I do not want to be known as a sad depressed guy. I'm extremely talented at conjuring up my illusion of happiness when I have to.
There was a guy in my school a few years ago. I never met him but he was well known for having so many wonderful friends, he was loved and cherished by many, he was the happiest, most cheerful, he was always smiling and laughing. He probably thought the same as you, always wanting to be the "cheerful one" and not wanting anyone to see him sad. He couldn't take it anymore though, he couldn't continue with the illusion of happiness anymore. Maybe he felt so strongly that he couldn't show other people his sadness..maybe he felt so strongly that..nobody should see his pain, he thought that the only way to find the relief was to die.
He died, one Christmas night, he jumped off the school stadium, they found his body on the concrete a few days later.
I never met him, I didn't even know who he was until people started talking about his death. His death struck me so strongly and it still does today. I think about him sometimes, I cry for him when I can cry and when I can't, my eyes water and I shed a few tears for him, just talking about him now I had to dry a few tears, I want to cry so much but I can't, I can only allow myself to shed a few tears because if I get red in the face I might get caught and I can't allow myself to get caught...maybe somehow..in a similar way..maybe he also couldn't allow himself to get caught crying? I feel so bad for him, everyone thought he was cheerful and happy and nobody had any clue about the loneliness he truly felt and he killed himself because of that pain.
When I think about him, I imagine the excruciating loneliness, I imagine him there all alone..while everyone is together during Christmas...he's there in the cold for the longest time. I imagine him sitting, holding himself, rocking back and forth crying knowing how even though everyone thinks he's happy and cheerful, nobody knows how he truly feels. Imagine him wishing that someone was there for him, that someone could appear and prevent him from killing himself...waiting and waiting for someone to save him....but nobody was going to come save him because he hid all the sadness under a smile and nobody in the world knew how much he needed somebody.
Knowing that he was going to die soon, did he spend a few moments breathing deeply, thinking of how he was going to miss the sensation? Did he feel insignificant or infinitely vast as he saw the sky for the last time? Did he count the number of stars? Did he think how stunning and radiant those stars were that cold night? Did he wish he had someone to view the night sky with at that moment? Did he try to snap himself out of it by taking a jog around the tracks, feel one last rush of heat in his veins and cheeks, one last time to feel the sensation of sweat on his forehead. What happened that made him go there that night? What happened that finally broke his will to live?
I don't know the answers but thinking about him always makes me want to cry so badly for him. Even if I never met him, even if I would have never met him in the future, I still wished he hadn't of died, I'm so sad to imagine his last moments of life, him feeling so
lonely and everyone that supposedly loved him thinking how cheerful of a guy he his, how he's always smiling and having fun...and
nobody knew how much he needed to cry on somebody's shoulder, nobody had any clue how much he needed someone.
Years before, there was another school mate who was also the "cheerful one". He had the loveliest smile, he always cracked the funniest jokes, he was energetic, he was all over the place with his laughter but I knew..his secret..I knew he was sad, I knew he was lonely, I knew..I could see it....even though he was the most cheerful person...it was so obvious to me...just looking at his eyes..just..looking at him..it was so obvious to me how sad he truly was.
I hated it that nobody noticed, I always wished I was his friend, I always wished that I could have helped him, I always wished that he knew what I noticed about him.
I was too shy though, I didn't know how to approach him. One day, we got partnered up though. He of course was so very cheerful as always but I knew he felt like crying at that moment, I knew how bad he was feeling. I remember the entire time we were together, I kept trying so
hard to get the courage to ask him if he's okay, I was too shy, it was so hard to even use my voice, I couldn't form any words, I wished so hard to just tell him everything, tell him how he wasn't fooling anyone because I knew, I could sense how lonely he felt and how he wanted somebody to notice the sadness under his smile.
I think I did get the courage to ask him if he was okay but I know it wasn't enough, I could have helped more but I couldn't, my shyness didn't let me. I feel guilty about it after all these years, I hope that wherever he is right now...that he's truly happy.
It pains me to hear of someone hiding their sadness under the illusion of being the "cheerful one", it worries me because if everyone sees you as the cheerful happy one...and nobody has any clue of how lonely and sad you are...when is all the hiding going to break you?
everywhere I go there are couples, endless couples, holding hands, cuddling, kissing, etc. If I didn't know better, I'd think they were doing it deliberately, just to rub even more salt into my already raw wound.
My entire life I've lived near amusement parks so I've gone countless times against my will and every single time I'm there, I cry, every single time I feel a deep sadness and loneliness when I go to the "Happiest Place on Earth". Hell, I used to cry almost every day of my childhood, for as long as I remember I've felt depressed and lonely, I remember being as young as 4 years old...thinking of ways to kill myself to stop this godforsaken loneliness.
Amusement parks are the worst, I hate them and even though I am considered "lucky" to live near in walking distance of TWO big amusement parks and a bunch of water parks and stuff...I don't feel lucky at all. I hate it, whenever I go to an amusement park I always want to die seeing so many people happy and me wondering why aren't
I happy?
But yeah, don't ever go alone in an amusement park...ever, trust me. You're waiting in a line for literally at least an hour, just waiting to get to the ride that lasts a minute and the people in front of you and behind you are making out and cuddling, and WHEREVER YOU LOOK EVERYONE IS IN PAIRS SMOOCHING AND BEING LOVEY BEARS WITH EACH OTHER.
It's insane, completely insane..the
sheer amount of couples that are there, I can't even
describe it, I can't even....and worst of all when you're the third wheel..going with a sibling and her boyfriend and they're cuddling right next to you while you stare at the ground because the ground is the only place where there aren't couples cuddling......oh wait...there is...actually..sometimes people get tired of standing in the line so they lie on the ground while holding each other.
Ha...ha...ha....hahahahahahahahahah HAHAHAHAHAH *sanity cracks*.
The most painful part isn't so much that I don't have someone to cuddle, it's the remembrance of the fact that there is nobody that thinks of me as significant, that I have no meaning or worth to anyone, it just kills me.
Apart from one friend who I trust, I never tell anyone about my suffering, and no-one ever guesses, because I hide it so well.
......
Just reading all your discussions, experiences and advice about loneliness really makes an enormous difference. I think I'd be in a far worse situation now without this site. So thank you, everyone.
I'm glad to hear you're finding help from this site and from the people who post.
