Waking up crying

[Golden Soul]

Hey, I’m new here. Just a British girl hoping for some respite.
I’m 23, live alone, not much family- not any that are really worth seeing.
I’m pretty different, or I think of myself as so, I’m autistic, adhd, overly emotional in such complex ways. I feel so different. I feel as though I can’t connect to anything. I wake up crying most days as I’m already dreading the day ahead, and I guess I’m weird so I avoid being around others, I know they think I’m weird. Not that people dislike me but I always feel like the bit of the joke if that makes sense. Nothing makes me happy and it only seems to get worse. I’m told a lot that I don’t ‘look autistic’ or ‘look unwell’ which is something that really hurts me. I’m not sure how someone can look stereotypically autistic, I think it’s just a less rude way of saying I don’t look disabled. As soon as I open my mouth though I get asked if I take drugs, I say odd things I guess and I don’t stop talking. Like ever. It hurts when people think that my behaviour is that odd that I must be on drugs. I’ve never met anyone that I feel I can truly relate to and all my friendships and relationships are fleeting. I just want to stop feeling like I’m living in a locked glass box unable to connect to anything, but watching the world go by.
I am so lonely to my core, and desperate for a true friend. I think a lot of people enjoy my company, but friendship doesn’t come easy to me like I’m not sure how to act. The only thing that gives me a sense of belonging are my dogs and cat, I’m not sure where I’d be without them. I don’t drive and have no friends where I live, so it’s just me and the animals, they help so much but it just isn’t enough sometimes
Thanks for reading, I hope someone responds.

Hello there, I am a 49 year old male in the ststes but I can relate to many of the things you wrote. From my late teens on I felt isolated even though I had some "friends". I later realized they weren't real friends as much as they just liked whatever I could offer them. It was hard to have long term relationships with girls cause I always wondered if I was saying the right things or acting like a normal person. I went to a psychiatrist in my 20's and he just kept prescribing anti depressants. I think I tried 40 or so different ones in 2 years but they made me worse. I was also diagnosed with ADHD. I was put on Ritalin for that in my early 30's.
My late 30's I had just about given up when I met someone at my job. She actually started talking to me and it was the first time in my life I actually didn't worry if I was being "normal". We talked a few minutes at work and then we both kind of hinted at going out after. So we did and fast forward to the present and we have been married for 14 years. I also had dogs and later a cat (1st one named Patches) my whole life. I have lost 4 dogs, all golden retrievers to cancer. My last dog Marty just died this past September 22nd. I havn't gotten any better since because he was my baby. My wife and I have 2 cats and they 2 are my fur babies.
My point is never give up and dont think anything is wrong with you. Everyone has flaws and issues but most dont care or think they do. People like you, myself and millions of others realize how hard life really is. How hard it is and how much work it takes to make a real friend! I dont have any social media anymore. I remember people having 1200 "friends" on facebook. Thats a fantasy world and much of society would rather live in a fantasy world rather than the real world. Its very hard for some people to live in such a cruel world and it should be. So just keep on loving your animals and a friendship/relationship will develop when you least expect it to. There isnt anything wrong with you. Take care of yourself.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Hello there, I am a 49 year old male in the ststes but I can relate to many of the things you wrote. From my late teens on I felt isolated even though I had some "friends". I later realized they weren't real friends as much as they just liked whatever I could offer them. It was hard to have long term relationships with girls cause I always wondered if I was saying the right things or acting like a normal person. I went to a psychiatrist in my 20's and he just kept prescribing anti depressants. I think I tried 40 or so different ones in 2 years but they made me worse. I was also diagnosed with ADHD. I was put on Ritalin for that in my early 30's.
My late 30's I had just about given up when I met someone at my job. She actually started talking to me and it was the first time in my life I actually didn't worry if I was being "normal". We talked a few minutes at work and then we both kind of hinted at going out after. So we did and fast forward to the present and we have been married for 14 years. I also had dogs and later a cat (1st one named Patches) my whole life. I have lost 4 dogs, all golden retrievers to cancer. My last dog Marty just died this past September 22nd. I havn't gotten any better since because he was my baby. My wife and I have 2 cats and they 2 are my fur babies.
My point is never give up and dont think anything is wrong with you. Everyone has flaws and issues but most dont care or think they do. People like you, myself and millions of others realize how hard life really is. How hard it is and how much work it takes to make a real friend! I dont have any social media anymore. I remember people having 1200 "friends" on facebook. Thats a fantasy world and much of society would rather live in a fantasy world rather than the real world. Its very hard for some people to live in such a cruel world and it should be. So just keep on loving your animals and a friendship/relationship will develop when you least expect it to. There isnt anything wrong with you. Take care of yourself.

That's such a lovely story @Golden Soul , thnx for sharing. I think a lot of us, sometimes, get to a place where we forget and can no longer imagine, things can get better, and much better at that.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

@Loneligyrl You aren't alone in feeling that way. I often feel that, genuine connection, some how rarely happens these days, for me. It's tough, but, it was not always like that, and therefore, hopefully it will not be like that in the future.




If you are on the autistic spectrum, as it's called these days, perhaps you can find a way to learn little tricks. Sometimes we miss little social cues, or have compelling behaviors that don't fall within the averages; but, we all need love and understanding just the same.




In my case, there are times where I'm highly sensitive to social surroundings. It's as if, rather not parsing _any_ social cues, I pick up on way too many, and it's overwhelming.




If I'm eating dinner with family or friends, at say, a restaurant, in public, I have a hard time filtering out conversations, non-verbal language, and tonal cues. So, not only am dealing with the conversation I'm technically a part of; but, I also have to deal with 5 or 10 other tables conversations, reactions, words, feelings, etc.. Most people do this automatically, and filter out the junk. They have a lower threshold and higher tolerance. So, I always try to avoid situations like that, because it's sooooo stressful.




My point though is that, we some times have to, and can learn to mitigate situations like that. We just have to learn the little tricks. Like for me, I may feel like 10 other tables in a restaurant have opinions and feelings about what I say when I open my mouth to speak, or when some one says something to me, and that they are consciously or sub-consciously letting me know through gestures, intonation in their speech to others, or what not. But, logically, I can know, two things. The folk-wisdom that: nobody really gives a crap about me one way or another, for the most part; it's an ephemeral situation. And two, the more rational approach: everyone else just has a different threshold for their social filters. Knowing those two things, may not immediately change the way I, 'feel,' in the moment; but, the logic dictates that: it's just dinner, and not really a big deal.




I apologize for the long post; but, my point is that, there are often routes for us to overcome the obstacles in our lives, especially concerning how we interact with others. Those paths can be hard to walk and difficult to find; but, they are there.




But, sometimes it's all just so overwhelming, there is no one around us who understands, or seems to understand, or who can show us the way, and it's just hard.




Remember you are not alone, though, even if it seems like it in the moment.

 

[Loneligyrl]

Hello there, I am a 49 year old male in the ststes but I can relate to many of the things you wrote. From my late teens on I felt isolated even though I had some "friends". I later realized they weren't real friends as much as they just liked whatever I could offer them. It was hard to have long term relationships with girls cause I always wondered if I was saying the right things or acting like a normal person. I went to a psychiatrist in my 20's and he just kept prescribing anti depressants. I think I tried 40 or so different ones in 2 years but they made me worse. I was also diagnosed with ADHD. I was put on Ritalin for that in my early 30's.
My late 30's I had just about given up when I met someone at my job. She actually started talking to me and it was the first time in my life I actually didn't worry if I was being "normal". We talked a few minutes at work and then we both kind of hinted at going out after. So we did and fast forward to the present and we have been married for 14 years. I also had dogs and later a cat (1st one named Patches) my whole life. I have lost 4 dogs, all golden retrievers to cancer. My last dog Marty just died this past September 22nd. I havn't gotten any better since because he was my baby. My wife and I have 2 cats and they 2 are my fur babies.
My point is never give up and dont think anything is wrong with you. Everyone has flaws and issues but most dont care or think they do. People like you, myself and millions of others realize how hard life really is. How hard it is and how much work it takes to make a real friend! I dont have any social media anymore. I remember people having 1200 "friends" on facebook. Thats a fantasy world and much of society would rather live in a fantasy world rather than the real world. Its very hard for some people to live in such a cruel world and it should be. So just keep on loving your animals and a friendship/relationship will develop when you least expect it to. There isnt anything wrong with you. Take care of yourself.

I truly needed this today. Thank you

 

[TheRealCallie]

I never understood people who think things like that have a "look." Just ignore the people who don't understand and find those who accept you for you. They are out there.