Date with fellow aspergers person

[Tiina63]

I have had a couple of dates with a man who, like me, has Aspergers. We both decided it wouldn't work out but I did find that being with him on these two dates was far easier than being with most of the non AS men I have dated. For a start, the conversation was flowing and natural, with no awkward silences. I didn't feel the usual stress I feel on dates to be entertaining and interesting and I wasn't left to do most of the talking. Also, I didn't feel that I had to hide huge parts of my personality or my thoughts. I could just be me with all my imperfections, so I didn't come home afterwards feeling exhausted and longing to drop the mask.
I am wondering, is this how most non AS people feel on dates with fellow non AS people? Do you feel natural, that you don't have to hide yourself or pretend to be different from who you are in order to be accepted? If so, then it is no wonder at all that some non AS people don't understand how hard dating is for me.
Or is it that in the non AS world everyone pretends, and so I feel that I have to as well?

 

[Peaches]

long live the AS world, if in it there is no pretense but I think you are on to something, lots of pretending out there indeed

I am clueless about this

 

[painter's radio]

I'd like to think it has less to do with what conditions or afflictions you have and more to do with a good connection you had with another.

Do you think you'd feel so at ease with every single person out there who has AS?

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you peaches-I too wish that the world could be more AS ish. Less pretence as there would be no stress to come across as having your s--t together . It would be OK to be messy and properly human.
Painter's radio-no, I wouldn't expect to feel a connection with everyone with AS. I go to an AS group and a couple of the others can be highly irritating (and maybe one or two of them think this about me as well!!) However, there is a sense of being a member of the same 'tribe,' of a fundamental sameness despite any differences between us.

---

I'm sorry Painter's radio-I have just reread your remark and saw you wrote 'ease' and not 'connection' in your second sentence. I do feel more at ease with people with AS generally as I feel that it is more ok to be myself with them than it is with non AS people.

 

[Case]

Tiina, for me (non-AS), I've experienced both natural, stress-free dating experiences and more difficult, incompatible ones. We all want the natural, no-BS kind of dating, don't we, the ones where we don't have to put on the mask?

 

[Lowlander]

I think for the people who do not have Asperger's, it's just a matter of getting used to/adjusting. I've had autistic classmates and I believe someone also had asperger's (I know this isn't the same as dating but that isn't my point) and we could get along very well. I think that if you do not hide the mask, just are honest and kind, it shouldn't be a problem. Most uncomfortable situations arise because of people not being used to behavior which they do not necessarily deem 'normal'. (Mind you: I think people with asperger's or something else are just normal )

 

[TheRealCallie]

I don't really see it as hiding behind a mask. I see it as putting a label on yourself and being ashamed of who you are. You should NEVER be ashamed of who you are, regardless of what issues you may have. Asperger's might make you different than the next person, but whether you have Asperger's or not, you will still be different than the person standing next to you.
It's not about labels and what you do or do not have (both physically and mentally), it's about who you are on the inside. If people can't accept you for that, than you shouldn't want them in your life.

That said, do I worry about how people will react to my child....yes, but I keep those fears to myself. I asked my nephew the other day how people react to my son in school and he said they don't treat him any differently than anyone else. My son isn't exactly the most popular kid in school, but he has friends and everyone likes to talk to him and sit with him, even if they do think he is a little on the weird side. There's nothing wrong with being weird, unless YOU see something wrong with being weird. If that's the case, change your perspective and own who and what you are, but never be ashamed or hide it.

Good luck on your date. I hope you have a nice time

 

[Locke]

I am wondering, is this how most non AS people feel on dates with fellow non AS people? Do you feel natural, that you don't have to hide yourself or pretend to be different from who you are in order to be accepted? If so, then it is no wonder at all that some non AS people don't understand how hard dating is for me.
Or is it that in the non AS world everyone pretends, and so I feel that I have to as well?

From my dating experience it's neurotypicals who hide their real thoughts and feelings, and it's what makes dating so difficult. I never hid myself or pretended while I was on a date, and I went out with women who didn't do that either. So I'm not saying that every non-AS person is dishonest, but a lot of people are in the dating world. I've seen many relationships fall apart because one or both people are dishonest about who they are or how they feel in the beginning. Sooner or later they revert to who they really are and it causes problems, often break ups . Chances are when you hear someone talk about their ex and say "He/She changed!", it's probably not that they changed, they just started being who they actually are.

So yes, I feel comfortable being myself on a date. But you always have to be careful, because not everyone is.

My girlfriend has Asperger's, and one of the things I love most about our relationship is that we are always honest with each other. She doesn't hide or pretend to be someone she's not, and she never has. She's awesome like that =) But from what I've read, most people who have Asperger's express their feelings honestly.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Less pretence as there would be no stress to come across as having your s--t together . It would be OK to be messy and properly human.

I really like this thought as I do really good at not having my **** together.

 

[African_weasel]

RANT: I hate the DSM-IV. And that's all folks.

People with Aspergers are just normal people who are socially awkward and are classified by the system and they are stuck with it for the rest of their lives.

 

[Peaches]

RANT: I hate the DSM-IV. And that's all folks.

People with Aspergers are just normal people who are socially awkward and are classified by the system and they are stuck with it for the rest of their lives.

I must agree, at least with the part about hating the DSM-IV

 

[Case]

RANT: I hate the DSM-IV. And that's all folks.

People with Aspergers are just normal people who are socially awkward and are classified by the system and they are stuck with it for the rest of their lives.

Interesting. Isn't hating the DSM-IV a bit like hating the dictionary? Both are peer-reviewed and constantly debated and revised. Maybe I need to understand your point of view better. If AS was only about being awkward, why is it in the book?

 

[TheRealCallie]

RANT: I hate the DSM-IV. And that's all folks.

People with Aspergers are just normal people who are socially awkward and are classified by the system and they are stuck with it for the rest of their lives.

Aspergers is about more than just being socially awkward.....

Aspergers is a high functioning form of Autism, so are you saying that autistic people are just socially awkward too?

I guess all the years of my son has gone through Occupational, physical and speech therapy are needless since he's only socially awkward. Well, I'm glad you told me. I'll pull him out of that ****.

 

[Peaches]

RANT: I hate the DSM-IV. And that's all folks.

People with Aspergers are just normal people who are socially awkward and are classified by the system and they are stuck with it for the rest of their lives.

Interesting. Isn't hating the DSM-IV a bit like hating the dictionary? Both are peer-reviewed and constantly debated and revised. Maybe I need to understand your point of view better. If AS was only about being awkward, why is it in the book?

the dictionary doesn't have powerful economic forces behind who need to sell drugs -

a) half of the psychiatric disorders arise from deep-rooted problems in our society, such as the loneliness and alienation arising from an individualistic and competitive lifestyle (one of many), or from physical causes that also dependent on twisted societal dynamics such as harmful foods, contaminated water, electronic and chemical pollution, etc

http://www.amazon.com/The-Manufacture-Madness-Comparative-Inquisition/dp/0815604610/ref=cm_lmf_tit_9


b) strange enough only the psychiatric disorders for which there are drugs for sale are preferably diagnosed, those who can be solved by simple cures, their diagnoses dropped at the same time as the medications from big pharma companies came out, interesting, isn't it?

http://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Epide...c-Astonishing/dp/0307452417/ref=cm_lmf_tit_18


the dictionary doesn't have all these politics around it

ps personally I was not saying that Asperger's or autism are not an illness, but that many times they are over or wrongly diagnosed and the real causes are completely ignored, for purely economic reasons

 

[African_weasel]

RANT: I hate the DSM-IV. And that's all folks.

People with Aspergers are just normal people who are socially awkward and are classified by the system and they are stuck with it for the rest of their lives.

Interesting. Isn't hating the DSM-IV a bit like hating the dictionary? Both are peer-reviewed and constantly debated and revised. Maybe I need to understand your point of view better. If AS was only about being awkward, why is it in the book?

the dictionary doesn't have powerful economic forces behind who need to sell drugs -

a) half of the psychiatric disorders arise from deep-rooted problems in our society, such as the loneliness and alienation arising from an individualistic and competitive lifestyle (one of many), or from physical causes that also dependent on twisted societal dynamics such as harmful foods, contaminated water, electronic and chemical pollution, etc

http://www.amazon.com/The-Manufacture-Madness-Comparative-Inquisition/dp/0815604610/ref=cm_lmf_tit_9


b) strange enough only the psychiatric disorders for which there are drugs for sale are preferably diagnosed, those who can be solved by simple cures, their diagnoses dropped at the same time as the medications from big pharma companies came out, interesting, isn't it?

http://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Epide...c-Astonishing/dp/0307452417/ref=cm_lmf_tit_18


the dictionary doesn't have all these politics around it

ps personally I was not saying that Asperger's or autism are not an illness, but that many times they are over or wrongly diagnosed and the real causes are completely ignored, for purely economic reasons

THUMPS UP!

 

[dqc]

RANT: I hate the DSM-IV. And that's all folks.

People with Aspergers are just normal people who are socially awkward and are classified by the system and they are stuck with it for the rest of their lives.

No, Aspies are not 'just socially awkward', it is far, far more complex than that!

 

[ardour]

Women with Asperger’s are more likely to end up with the chance for relationship experience due to the fact that awkward, aloof, or inappropriate seeming behaviour is considered much more of a red flag in males. Still a huge barrier I'm sure, but I don't think the average male aspie would even get the option of going on dates (with anyone).

 

[Xpendable]

Is this valid? I mean, could anyone tell the difference?

[youtube]FfmVNB9DqiU[/youtube]

 

[TheRealCallie]

Asperger's doesn't have a "look."
I "warned" my friend about what could happen when we went down to visit her. She had to actively watch my son for the entire 5 days we were there to even notice anything "odd" about him and even then, she said she wouldn't have known it was autism.
It's high functioning autism for a reason.

---

And to ardour. My (good looking) cousin married a guy with Asperger's. They are divorced now, but it had nothing to do with the autism.

Guys with Asperger's are much more common than girls with asperger's, as well.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Women with Asperger’s are more likely to end up with the chance for relationship experience due to the fact that awkward, aloof, or inappropriate seeming behaviour is considered much more of a red flag in males. Still a huge barrier I'm sure, but I don't think the average male aspie would even get the  option of going on dates (with anyone).

That is so ridiculous.  I wish you would stop with remarks like this, it does nothing to push your agenda that "you" are worse off than everyone else.