Dating: saying the wrong time at the wrong time

[Ima Lone]

So I just wonder, am I a cheap ******* by not wanting to pay everything?

You're not cheap, you're insecure and not where you want to be, from the sound of your postings.
But I doubt that because you might pay for one dinner and drinks that anyone will think you've set them up for life.

Yeah, not cheap but ... Were you born out of wedlock? Just curious is all. Don't answer if it's too personal.

Also, I'm curious as to who asked who for the date and to get something to eat?
Used to be that whomever was the inviter, paid. That's how I played the game anyhoo.

 

[insecure]

If she didn't ask, would you have paid for it all or would you have asked her to pay her share?

The answer doesn't really matter, I'm just curious, because she shouldn't have asked if she wasn't prepared to pay her share.

Honestly, I think both her asking and you saying yes we're both "tests". Like you said, you wanted to know she liked YOU, instead of just wanting a free meal. And she could have wanted to know if you were going to pay her way. That's just hypothetical, of course. I don't know her, so she could have had the best intentions, but by writing you off because she paid her share, it doesn't seem likely.

But no, you aren't a cheap ******* for wanting her to pay her share, regardless of the cost.

I don't know, I would have wanted her to pay for something.
I don't think everything should be split 50/50, because in a relation one might earn 1.000€/month, the other might earn 3.000€/month (just too fictional numbers).
Now if the one who earns 3 times as much as the other expects the other to pay for everything 50/50, then you'll always be going to very cheap places, and won't have a lot of fun.
That part I'm still struggling with, I don't want to be a cheap *******, but on the other hand I don't want to be the ticket to things they can't afford, in which case the relationship would quickly end if I lost my job again, for instance.

 

[insecure]

You're not cheap, you're insecure and not where you want to be, from the sound of your postings.
But I doubt that because you might pay for one dinner and drinks that anyone will think you've set them up for life.

Yeah, not cheap but ... Were you born out of wedlock? Just curious is all. Don't answer if it's too personal.

Also, I'm curious as to who asked who for the date and to get something to eat?
Used to be that whomever was the inviter, paid. That's how I played the game anyhoo.

Whether my parents were married when I was born?
Yes.

I think I was the one who asked for a date and something to eat.
But next time I'll think about it.
You know what's strange?
She deleted the match on the dating profile, but she didn't block me on whatsapp.
When I sent her a Happy New Year, she still wished me one too.
And I sent her some pictures of my holiday, and we sent a couple of messages.
So she doesn't really hate me.

I just find it hard to know what I want myself.
I have another appointment on Tuesday with the sexologist, so I'll talk about what happened lately, which is quite a lot for me.

 

[Ima Lone]

Advice on who pays can be found here you can pick the answer you like.

Maybe on future dates it would be wise to clarify at the start, before the date,
that you'd like expenses to be shared. Might that be an option?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay, I'm pretty sure everyone knows how to use a search engine, since the majority of the members used one to find this forum. You couldn't have just picked an article to link or mentioned that there are a lot of articles about the topic? I just don't understand....

 

[sparkyn98]

So, @CenotaphGirl... I am that weird lady that joins those sites just for friends. MOSTLY, because at my advanced age, I've learned that is WAY better than "looking for a relationship"... You know why? Because those sites are AWFUL. Just awful... between fakes and hook ups and liars and cheaters... you may find that one or two decent people out there. I have quite a few people I still keep in touch with that I met that way. We even discuss the travesties of the websites and such! The sad truth is, I don't "do" the bar scene. And sure, I have friends, but, I'm also a 51 year old widow, mom of 3 boys who plays video games, binge watches movies and shows, and loves to lift. You know what most guys MY age like to do? Hunt. Fish. Drink Beer.
I live in a very small town, so it is fun to meet people from other areas on those sites and just be able to chat about everything and anything. And the reality is, we all SHOULD be looking for friendship first. This day and age of "instant gratification" is for the birds. Slow down... find out if you like this person before you end up in a pointless commitment for years and wonder how you got there. (and yes, I'm speaking from experience! hahaha)

 

[CenotaphGirl]

So, @CenotaphGirl... I am that weird lady that joins those sites just for friends. MOSTLY, because at my advanced age, I've learned that is WAY better than "looking for a relationship"... You know why? Because those sites are AWFUL. Just awful... between fakes and hook ups and liars and cheaters... you may find that one or two decent people out there. I have quite a few people I still keep in touch with that I met that way. We even discuss the travesties of the websites and such! The sad truth is, I don't "do" the bar scene. And sure, I have friends, but, I'm also a 51 year old widow, mom of 3 boys who plays video games, binge watches movies and shows, and loves to lift. You know what most guys MY age like to do? Hunt. Fish. Drink Beer.
I live in a very small town, so it is fun to meet people from other areas on those sites and just be able to chat about everything and anything. And the reality is, we all SHOULD be looking for friendship first. This day and age of "instant gratification" is for the birds. Slow down... find out if you like this person before you end up in a pointless commitment for years and wonder how you got there. (and yes, I'm speaking from experience! hahaha)

How I’ve missed youuuu!

You know I was referring to a specific kind of woman no one as lovely as you

But I like your advice, no one has ever successfully transitioned from my friend zone to anything more but maybe one day…

 

[Unsigned]

I don't know, I would have wanted her to pay for something.

This may be a cultural thing, but I cannot imagine any scenario where I would let a female pay at a restaurant unless it was one of the following:
1) My birthday and a female made it clear that this was her "gift" -- this only happened to me once. And still I was very uncomfortable with it.
2) A business function, such as a female vendor taking me out to lunch as a client -- this does not bother me.

But on a date? To be honest, this simply does not compute in my world.
Like I said though it may be a cultural thing.
I grew up watching my father pay for everything. As an adult I even used to fight him for the check when we went out. He'd usually win.

 

[sparkyn98]

How I’ve missed youuuu!

You know I was referring to a specific kind of woman no one as lovely as you

But I like your advice, no one has ever successfully transitioned from my friend zone to anything more but maybe one day…

I've missed you too!!
Been a crazy few months for me, for sure!! I'll try to be more active again!!

Yeah... sadly, I look back at some of the guys I friend-zoned in my younger years for whatever reason... some of them I regret not giving more of a chance to, but the couple that I did, usually ended up in a tepid, short-lived relationship that tapered off into nothing-ness.
I don't think we all "friend-zone" people for the same reasons, but I do know there is something to be said for chemistry. If that isn't there... then, OFF TO THE FRIENDZONE YOU GO, sir! Lololol

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I've missed you too!!
Been a crazy few months for me, for sure!! I'll try to be more active again!!

Yeah... sadly, I look back at some of the guys I friend-zoned in my younger years for whatever reason... some of them I regret not giving more of a chance to, but the couple that I did, usually ended up in a tepid, short-lived relationship that tapered off into nothing-ness.
I don't think we all "friend-zone" people for the same reasons, but I do know there is something to be said for chemistry. If that isn't there... then, OFF TO THE FRIENDZONE YOU GO, sir! Lololol

You know what, thats it, chemistry... its powerful stuff.

 

[insecure]

What puzzles me still is that the useful likes I get on dating apps seem to fall into 2 categories :
(I am 53)

* the 'exotic' type (black or latina women), they seem to be of all ages, but mostly (a lot) younger than me.
This is very attractive to me, they can be anything from 24 to 50.
I am surprised and flattered that these women find me attractive at my age.
* the white old lady type (55+), women that I mostly don't find attractive.

It is surprising to me, why does a 40 year old black woman find me attractive, but not a 40 year old white woman?
Does anyone have an explanation for this?
Is it pure demography (a large 50+ population of white widowed/divorced women?)

(This is not taking into consideration the number of fake or unresponsive profiles)

 

[insecure]

Now things get strange: I thought that maybe I should display myself as "just looking for fun" (or something similar, my language is Dutch) on Tinder.
Since I did this, I get lots and lots more of likes.
Before I had up to 10 likes, I'm now at 30.
With a trick I found on the internet I am able to see 10 of those likes.
What happens is that although I sometimes can find those profiles, which results in a match (not always even!) then those women don't say anything to me.
So are those fake likes, or are these women simply too busy with all the guys that like them?

 

[sparkyn98]

Now things get strange: I thought that maybe I should display myself as "just looking for fun" (or something similar, my language is Dutch) on Tinder.
Since I did this, I get lots and lots more of likes.
Before I had up to 10 likes, I'm now at 30.
With a trick I found on the internet I am able to see 10 of those likes.
What happens is that although I sometimes can find those profiles, which results in a match (not always even!) then those women don't say anything to me.
So are those fake likes, or are these women simply too busy with all the guys that like them?

I only laugh because I watched a tiktok about if a guy doesn't appreciate his girl, just post a few of her pics on Tinder and watch her likes go crazy. LOLOL
Now, I just turned 51 in November and I was on Tinder twice. Much to @CenotaphGirl's angst... LOL... I was on it to meet friends. Mostly because, imho, Tinder is a hook up site. It's so shallow it isn't even funny.
Anyway... I had a short and sweet bio and both times I got on, within hours, I had hundreds and hundreds of likes. So, yes... you want to stand out, make the first move.
And just a note, don't start with Wow! You're beautiful! Try to reach past the vapid-ness that is Tinder and find something of meaning to open your convo with. (But, maybe that's just me!) hahaha
Good luck, my friend!! I'm right there with you and have given up on those sites!

 

[Finished]

I only laugh because I watched a tiktok about if a guy doesn't appreciate his girl, just post a few of her pics on Tinder and watch her likes go crazy. LOLOL
Now, I just turned 51 in November and I was on Tinder twice. Much to @CenotaphGirl's angst... LOL... I was on it to meet friends. Mostly because, imho, Tinder is a hook up site. It's so shallow it isn't even funny.
Anyway... I had a short and sweet bio and both times I got on, within hours, I had hundreds and hundreds of likes. So, yes... you want to stand out, make the first move.
And just a note, don't start with Wow! You're beautiful! Try to reach past the vapid-ness that is Tinder and find something of meaning to open your convo with. (But, maybe that's just me!) hahaha
Good luck, my friend!! I'm right there with you and have given up on those sites!

Wow! You're beautiful! Ha! ha!

 

[insecure]

And just a note, don't start with Wow! You're beautiful! Try to reach past the vapid-ness that is Tinder and find something of meaning to open your convo with. (But, maybe that's just me!) hahaha
Good luck, my friend!! I'm right there with you and have given up on those sites!

Not as easy as it seems, many of the profiles only contain a couple of pictures, with very few text to start talking about.
Today I had a 20 year old responding, I was wondering what this would lead to.
Turns out she wanted "just fun" and "I would be able to take advantage of that".
Then she asked for my snapchat.
She sent me one semi-naked picture, and said if I wanted more I'd have to pay for them.
I told her that if I wanted to see naked women I could go to one of those *** cam sites, and I wouldn't have to pay for it.
That one was in French.

Now I have another one that speaks English.
I'm afraid that one will try to sell me bitcoins or so.

 

[Butterfly 2]

If you just meet a woman online and she sends you semi nudes, it's a pretty good sign things aren't going to work out.

 

[insecure]

If you just meet a woman online and she sends you semi nudes, it's a pretty good sign things aren't going to work out.

Well yeah, she can keep sending them, she just shouldn't expect me to pay for them.

 

[Butterfly 2]

So, @CenotaphGirl... I am that weird lady that joins those sites just for friends. MOSTLY, because at my advanced age, I've learned that is WAY better than "looking for a relationship"... You know why? Because those sites are AWFUL. Just awful... between fakes and hook ups and liars and cheaters... you may find that one or two decent people out there. I have quite a few people I still keep in touch with that I met that way. We even discuss the travesties of the websites and such! The sad truth is, I don't "do" the bar scene. And sure, I have friends, but, I'm also a 51 year old widow, mom of 3 boys who plays video games, binge watches movies and shows, and loves to lift. You know what most guys MY age like to do? Hunt. Fish. Drink Beer.
I live in a very small town, so it is fun to meet people from other areas on those sites and just be able to chat about everything and anything. And the reality is, we all SHOULD be looking for friendship first. This day and age of "instant gratification" is for the birds. Slow down... find out if you like this person before you end up in a pointless commitment for years and wonder how you got there. (and yes, I'm speaking from experience! hahaha)

You're very wise. "Advanced age"and your 51? You need to change the description of yourself to barely middle-aged.

 

[user 135067]

You're very wise. "Advanced age"and your 51? You need to change the description of yourself to barely middle-aged.

I'm not middle aged yet, because I plan to live to be 150.

 

[user 135067]

So, @CenotaphGirl... I am that weird lady that joins those sites just for friends. MOSTLY, because at my advanced age, I've learned that is WAY better than "looking for a relationship"... You know why?

I suppose if you hunt for relationships you'll drag all sorts of things out from under the rocks. You will find relationships where and when you least expect them. When they just happen, those are worth keeping.