Dating sites are pointless.

[LonelySutton]

That's when I realized that was her. We only met up for two more dates, and I was not interested in her. LOL!

This is the most depressing part of the entire thread.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

I think that sums up the problem with Internet dating in a nutshell. The process of communication, of getting to know people and building up relationships, has been replaced by this near instant knee jerk reaction of like or dislike. It's a meat market whereby personalities are replaced by tick boxes.

This isn't limited to internet dating. Come on, admit it. Everyone makes a snap judgement in the first few seconds whether or not they are interested in someone based on physical appearance. It happens in online dating as well as real life situations.

Those of us who are not blessed with physical attractiveness are at a significant disadvantage on all fronts.

---

The trick is to work on your presentation.. the facts and figures don't matter as much as you think.

No, the FIRST trick is to be attractive. Then they will actually open your messages and read them. If you're not attractive, they will get deleted without even being read.

---

I agree with Callie. I'm sorry if you're thinking they're only for attractive people. No one is forcing you to use dating sites. Attractive is subjective though.

I beg to differ. Looks get you in the door, plain and simple. If a potential mate doesn't find you physically attractive, they aren't going to bother reading and/or replying to a dating site message.

 

[Batman55]

No, the FIRST trick is to be attractive. Then they will actually open your messages and read them. If you're not attractive, they will get deleted without even being read.

You know what the worst trick is? Cynicism.

But anyway. I said it before and I'll say it again. Someone who isn't classically attractive can remedy it by 1) looking their best, wearing the right clothes, having some personality on a visual level 2) taking a good photo.

The second one is often forgotten or underemphasized.

 

[there is no hope]

I try to limit who I will message, based on who I think will respond (based on a cursory profile glance). It didn't always work and it's hard to follow up, but I got responses often enough to not feel like a total failure.

Then again I think I'm a fairly attractive person, or at least good enough to pass from the face up. Despite what others tell me I should feel, I like me. I don't like the face I have towards the rest of the world and my position in society, which for many people is all they care about. I sure as hell am not a believer in "confidence", there's a reason they're called confidence men.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

Someone who isn't classically attractive can remedy it by 1) looking their best, wearing the right clothes, having some personality on a visual level 2) taking a good photo.

The second one is often forgotten or underemphasized.

Sometimes looking/being your best isn't good enough. Some of us can't turn a thorn into a rose regardless of what is done as far as body image. You can only "cover up" so far.

---

I sure as hell am not a believer in "confidence", there's a reason they're called confidence men.

You should check the dictionary. You're comparing apples to oranges.

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing:
We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.

2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance:
His lack of confidence defeated him.


You are referring to #1. When dating, #2 is generally regarded as correct.

 

[Triple Bogey]

No, the FIRST trick is to be attractive. Then they will actually open your messages and read them. If you're not attractive, they will get deleted without even being read.

You know what the worst trick is? Cynicism.

But anyway. I said it before and I'll say it again. Someone who isn't classically attractive can remedy it by 1) looking their best, wearing the right clothes, having some personality on a visual level 2) taking a good photo.

The second one is often forgotten or underemphasized.

I haven't been in a good photograph since I was 12 years old.
But yeah what you say makes some sense.

 

[there is no hope]

Someone who isn't classically attractive can remedy it by 1) looking their best, wearing the right clothes, having some personality on a visual level 2) taking a good photo.

The second one is often forgotten or underemphasized.

Sometimes looking/being your best isn't good enough. Some of us can't turn a thorn into a rose regardless of what is done as far as body image. You can only "cover up" so far.

---

I sure as hell am not a believer in "confidence", there's a reason they're called confidence men.

You should check the dictionary. You're comparing apples to oranges.

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing:
We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.

2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance:
His lack of confidence defeated him.


You are referring to #1. When dating, #2 is generally regarded as correct.

---

1 and 2 are entirely different things though. Dictionaries don't go into details about how words are constructed, and (mis)-usages are taken as definitions if they are common enough.
"self-confidence" is basically a method by which someone internalizes judgements other people make about them, and roots someone's own state of mind in their beliefs towards other people or other things (which is the entire point). Thus, by subscribing to that belief, someone is just sabotaging themselves.

People who are successful and believe they can succeed generally don't need to be fed this advice, because their confidence is based on real, tangible things. They have faith in their place in society and the system they work within. Someone who can not have faith in their place in society, by definition, can't be confident - they have no reason to be, and trying to fake confidence will inevitably lead to disaster.

I definitely stand by what I said up there, because I know it to be true.

 

[matt4]

I've had a bit of success on tinder. Not met anyone yet but they appear more chatty.
Met three from okcupid. One I could have slept with that night. We kissed and got close. I think I gave off the wrong message but it was great. Was addicted to those lips

The first I kissed said it wouldn't work out because we are at different stages. Me final year of uni and her teaching.
The second was a girl who claimed to fancy me. We clicked and got on so well yet she then said she didn't fancy me. There was no spark when we met etc.
The third was a French girl I kissed on first date and got close to but she thought she owned me before the date. She saw me comment about another girl on my facebook and started giving it all that as if we were in a relationship. Crazy.

Another girl from okcupid who I had been talking to for two months turned me down today but she said she was too busy to date at this point in time. Which I think could be partially true. She said she had a car to buy, driving licence had to move out. What a shame cos she was a stunner. She didn't rule out meeting me.

Btw, two of those girls the second and third pointed to lack of a spark. So, I don't have the spark.... but is an instant spark crucial forming any relationship??

These dating sites aren't meant to be taken too seriously in my opinion. They can't be taken too seriously, judging with the quality of people that do end up there. Just try and have fun and not take things to heart. Something good might come along I guess

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-...ime-to-stop-acting-like-youre-a-love-psychic/

 

[LonelyInAtl]

Damn, you've had better luck than me. I've never even gotten a response to messages I send.

 

[matt4]

It's tough. I just think a lot of people on them are looking to mess people around or something else.

What I've found is that women there are looking for a cracking first message. Simply "hey, how are you or how you doing?" isn't good enough. Even when you say something reasonably flirty or cheeky about something on their profile you may not get a response. I understand women get tons of messages but I take the time to be creative in my messages and nada.

Way too many women believe in the whole instant spark crap. I blame things like 50 shades of grey and all that media crap.

I've messaged soooo many women only a few get responded to a even smaller 1 or 2 do I get the numbers of. It's hard to keep motivation up when the quality is so low. The more creative the message the better the response chance is, but I'm no creative writer and have only managed this a few times.

Society keeps being told what the run up to a successful relationship should look like. Many get carried away in stories, so that they forget to make their own. Argh, I'm grumbling.... I've yet to find any woman who sees things like this differently.

:club:

View attachment 9

 

[TheSkaFish]

What I've found is that women there are looking for a cracking first message. Simply "hey, how are you or how you doing?" isn't good enough. Even when you say something reasonably flirty or cheeky about something on their profile you may not get a response. I understand women get tons of messages but I take the time to be creative in my messages and nada.

Way too many women believe in the whole instant spark crap. I blame things like 50 shades of grey and all that media crap.

...........

Society keeps being told what the run up to a successful relationship should look like. Many get carried away in stories, so that they forget to make their own. Argh, I'm grumbling.... I've yet to find any woman who sees things like this differently.

:club:

Eh. Decided to take advantage of the one-day chance to edit my post and take all the complaining out.

Basically, I get where you're coming from. I don't know how to "hook" a woman and every time I think I have done it, I have been mistaken. I don't know exactly where I'm going wrong or why, (I have guesses but no solid proof) but I'd like to stop it. I do agree that Hollywood has been a bad influence on both men and women in the courtship process and this has caused problems on both sides - it has only made it harder for a person of either gender who does not wish to conform to these archetypes we see in the media.

To me, dating is clear - if the way a girl looks gives me physical desire and I am also able to have a real conversation with her, then I could see myself dating her. But I feel like that's not enough for a lot of women, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a cocky "cool guy" or a "tough" rebel because I don't like those people. But I have to do something to make women EXCITED. I just want to do it in a way that is true to myself. Women have said they like the way I look and have claimed that they like to talk to me and have said sweet things to me, and even some very hot things to me. But I have never really been good at witty banter. I've been decent at conversation, but not flirting. I really don't want to blow my chances though, you know? It's like, what if my personality was only off by a bit. I feel that I am "almost there" with these girls, but I'm just missing one small something, or playing the cards I have poorly that might not necessarily have been a losing hand.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

So far I have to say I've found dating sites are only really useful for wrecking your own self-esteem.

I used to consider myself an alright looking guy. I've got a pretty decent physique now, and I don't look like the a pile of horse manure.

Even so, I've intermittently used dating sites for a year and I've not even had one date. Not even one decent online conversation either, to be honest.

Girls look at my profile fairly often, sometimes the girl will even "like" my profile. So I'll send a message (lightly flirty, respectful, sincere, not too long) and then 99% of the time they'll look at my profile a few times and then just never respond.

And I've sent hand-crafted careful messages like this to about 90 women, and I think I've had 7 responses. Seven responses in a year. And none of these went beyond a single message, because they never bothered replying again. It's worse than just not even trying.

I even signed up to *shudder* Tinder recently. And in three days I've had 2 matches after God knows how many right-left swipes. And neither of those matches bothered replying to my greeting.

I hear it's bugged badly on Android and sometimes you get no matches for ages. Either that or I'm just horribly ugly and really boring to talk to

 

[Peaches]

Nobody ever asks me on Tinder, or if they do it's for a fast hookup. It MUST be bugged.

---

But anyway. I said it before and I'll say it again. Someone who isn't classically attractive can remedy it by 1) looking their best, wearing the right clothes, having some personality on a visual level 2) taking a good photo.

The second one is often forgotten or underemphasized.

to this, I would add: look interesting! show pictures of yourself on a rodeo ride, or volunteering at a soup kitchen, or making funny faces at a carnival (just not as your first profile picture, that gives a weirdo vibe)

---

. But I have never really been good at witty banter. I've been decent at conversation, but not flirting. I really don't want to blow my chances though, you know? It's like, what if my personality was only off by a bit. I feel that I am "almost there" with these girls, but I'm just missing one small something, or playing the cards I have poorly that might not necessarily have been a losing hand.

I have exactly the same experience... I try to keep it simple, some witty banter usually ensues, but most of the time it ends looking like some kind of job interview chat...
I read it's necessary to drop sentences like "sorry I didn't answer, I was in the shower" or "I am here, sipping a martini lying on the sand on the beach", or send pictures with me trying on dresses and ask "which one do you prefer?" but it really feels unnatural with someone i don't know (also, I don't usually lie on the sand, I hate sand, it goes everywhere).
After the job interview phase, who knows why, everything peters out, I guess they don't see me like a sexy thing anymore.
Girls can be "off" too.

 

[Batman55]

to this, I would add: look interesting! show pictures of yourself on a rodeo ride, or volunteering at a soup kitchen, or making funny faces at a carnival (just not as your first profile picture, that gives a weirdo vibe)

I'm not sure I can do one of those "adventurous" type of pictures like you suggest.. definitely not the "funny face" thing (honestly, I don't like it when other people do that, and it makes no sense to me.. a distorted face is not an attractive face, LOL). These things are "out of line" with my core personality.. it's just how it is. I'm not complaining. It's a general fact that when someone is doing something they would *not* normally do, it can give off a "falsity" or as you mention a "weirdo" vibe.

I think the best I can do is.. to look my best, wear clothing with a little more personality than a mono-colored shirt and beige shorts, and strike a more confident pose. The photos I used before on my old profile, as I've come to learn, were lacking. Perhaps it's an encouraging sign, though, that I still got a few responses here and there?

 

[blumar]

So here's my take on the online dating thing. Now I don't know how all the dating sites work (I only tried one) but when you sign up (usually for a short trial 3 mos, 6 mos) they flood you with a bunch of "active" profiles then it slows down to a mix of active and inactive profiles (people who have stopped the online service but are still used as matches). Then active profiles again towards the end of your trial - to get you to continue the service (let's face it, it feels good to get messages or a reply. And, maybe the next person will be the "one"...). At least that is the way it seemed to me. I tried it out for 6 months, dated a guy for 3 months then called it off (turned out not to be the best of people). Then nothin' but crickets. Towards the end of the trial, two more. Went on a couple of dates with one guy - he was awesome but I wasn't physically attracted to him . Then went on a couple of dates with the other guy who I was physically attracted to but turned out to be so arrogant. Needless to say that didn't last.

So I don't think that women, in general, receive hundreds of messages - I think that guys, though they don't know it, are sending the majority of messages to women who might not be on the site any longer (I'm sure there is something in the fine print about the site retaining your information for their use). Of course, I could be completely wrong about this (though I find that it does make a bit of sense; these are businesses at the end of the day and not philanthropic institutions. What better way to ensure profit if you can control the likelihood of a continuing membership. It also helps when you can boast about the matches made in your advertising). Anyway, just my take.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I have exactly the same experience... I try to keep it simple, some witty banter usually ensues, but most of the time it ends looking like some kind of job interview chat...
I read it's necessary to drop sentences like "sorry I didn't answer, I was in the shower" or "I am here, sipping a martini lying on the sand on the beach", or send pictures with me trying on dresses and ask "which one do you prefer?" but it really feels unnatural with someone i don't know (also, I don't usually lie on the sand, I hate sand, it goes everywhere).
After the job interview phase, who knows why, everything peters out, I guess they don't see me like a sexy thing anymore.
Girls can be "off" too.

Yeah. I just don't know what to do. Being blatantly sexual is obviously not a good strategy, and not something I'm comfortable with anyway. I want to come across as interesting and sexually appealing to a woman but in a more gentlemanly way. I have sexual desires but I don't like talking and acting like a perv. But then again, I feel like if I don't establish some kind of sexual excitement, I'll lose my chance. Women have said sexual things to me before and I just didn't know how to respond. I just said something friendly back, not something sexual. And I feel like I blew a chance to get their hearts racing, you know? But I didn't want to come off as just another typical guy, and I didn't want to seem too desperate either because I was under the impression that desperation is a turn-off. I don't want to have to learn all this smarmy pick-up artist stuff though. That's just not who I want to be.

Usually when I'm talking to a woman I'm attracted to, I just talk to her about our common interests, or I ask her questions about her life. But now I don't know. After my bad experiences I worry that my friendly character is just not enough but I don't know what more I can do besides keep being the same. I just don't want to blow another chance like this.

 

[Ksenona]

I love online dating) I' ve used OKCupid, Tinder and https://kovla.com/datings/us/roseville/ I don't agree that it's a scam, I think it's a lottery Yet I've no results, but I know that many people have found their soulmate. I'am hopeful of success

 

[Locke]

I love online dating) I' ve used OKCupid, Tinder and I don't agree that it's a scam, I think it's a lottery Yet I've no results, but I know that many people have found their soulmate. I'am hopeful of success

If a brand new member who has posted slightly different links in both of thier posts says online dating isn't a scam, then it must be true! Thank you so much random stranger, you've saved us all from loneliness with your random spam!

Are...are you a superhero? =o

Maybe you should introduce yourself first though. Try something like this: "Hello! I'm spammer #8675-309, and I'm here to introduce you to my good friends malware and identity theft. I won't be on this site for long, but I'm sure I'll get what I need before I go."

If I'm wrong and you're just a random person, who for some questionable reason thinks it's a good idea to join a forum and immediately post spam, then... I can't bring myself to apologize. Please don't do that to other communities. It's annoying.

Either way, I honestly didn't think these online dating threads could get any worse, until now.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I love online dating) I' ve used OKCupid, Tinder and I don't agree that it's a scam, I think it's a lottery Yet I've no results, but I know that many people have found their soulmate. I'am hopeful of success

If a brand new member who has posted slightly different links in both of thier posts says online dating isn't a scam, then it must be true! Thank you so much random stranger, you've saved us all from loneliness with your random spam!

Are...are you a superhero? =o

Maybe you should introduce yourself first though. Try something like this: "Hello! I'm spammer #8675-309, and I'm here to introduce you to my good friends malware and identity theft. I won't be on this site for long, but I'm sure I'll get what I need before I go."

If I'm wrong and you're just a random person, who for some questionable reason thinks it's a good idea to join a forum and immediately post spam, then... I can't bring myself to apologize. Please don't do that to other communities. It's annoying.

Either way, I honestly didn't think these online dating threads could get any worse, until now.

No, people are very frustrated with online dating sites. They don't meet anybody in the real world so they join them, hoping to have a bit of romance and excitement in their lives. They pay good money and spend a lot of time writing their profiles and sending messages only to be disappointed time and time again. Of course they are going to be annoyed and want to write about how frustrating and soul destroying the whole experience is.

There is nothing wrong with these 'online dating posts' - it's obviously an issue with many people on here. The worst thing is when smug people come on here saying how it's their fault somehow and they shouldn't moan about it.

---

So here's my take on the online dating thing. Now I don't know how all the dating sites work (I only tried one) but when you sign up (usually for a short trial 3 mos, 6 mos) they flood you with a bunch of "active" profiles then it slows down to a mix of active and inactive profiles (people who have stopped the online service but are still used as matches). Then active profiles again towards the end of your trial - to get you to continue the service (let's face it, it feels good to get messages or a reply. And, maybe the next person will be the "one"...). At least that is the way it seemed to me. I tried it out for 6 months, dated a guy for 3 months then called it off (turned out not to be the best of people). Then nothin' but crickets. Towards the end of the trial, two more. Went on a couple of dates with one guy - he was awesome but I wasn't physically attracted to him . Then went on a couple of dates with the other guy who I was physically attracted to but turned out to be so arrogant. Needless to say that didn't last.

So I don't think that women, in general, receive hundreds of messages - I think that guys, though they don't know it, are sending the majority of messages to women who might not be on the site any longer (I'm sure there is something in the fine print about the site retaining your information for their use). Of course, I could be completely wrong about this (though I find that it does make a bit of sense; these are businesses at the end of the day and not philanthropic institutions. What better way to ensure profit if you can control the likelihood of a continuing membership. It also helps when you can boast about the matches made in your advertising). Anyway, just my take.

Sounds like you've had some success. I think most women will do. And maybe some men who are good looking. The rest forget it. Save your money.

---

I have exactly the same experience... I try to keep it simple, some witty banter usually ensues, but most of the time it ends looking like some kind of job interview chat...
I read it's necessary to drop sentences like "sorry I didn't answer, I was in the shower" or "I am here, sipping a martini lying on the sand on the beach", or send pictures with me trying on dresses and ask "which one do you prefer?" but it really feels unnatural with someone i don't know (also, I don't usually lie on the sand, I hate sand, it goes everywhere).
After the job interview phase, who knows why, everything peters out, I guess they don't see me like a sexy thing anymore.
Girls can be "off" too.

Yeah. I just don't know what to do. Being blatantly sexual is obviously not a good strategy, and not something I'm comfortable with anyway. I want to come across as interesting and sexually appealing to a woman but in a more gentlemanly way. I have sexual desires but I don't like talking and acting like a perv. But then again, I feel like if I don't establish some kind of sexual excitement, I'll lose my chance. Women have said sexual things to me before and I just didn't know how to respond. I just said something friendly back, not something sexual. And I feel like I blew a chance to get their hearts racing, you know? But I didn't want to come off as just another typical guy, and I didn't want to seem too desperate either because I was under the impression that desperation is a turn-off. I don't want to have to learn all this smarmy pick-up artist stuff though. That's just not who I want to be.

Usually when I'm talking to a woman I'm attracted to, I just talk to her about our common interests, or I ask her questions about her life. But now I don't know. After my bad experiences I worry that my friendly character is just not enough but I don't know what more I can do besides keep being the same. I just don't want to blow another chance like this.

Be yourself, don't try and be somebody else. Carry on and you may get lucky one day.

 

[Locke]

No, people are very frustrated with online dating sites. They don't meet anybody in the real world so they join them, hoping to have a bit of romance and excitement in their lives. They pay good money and spend a lot of time writing their profiles and sending messages only to be disappointed time and time again. Of course they are going to be annoyed and want to write about how frustrating and soul destroying the whole experience is.

There is nothing wrong with these 'online dating posts' - it's obviously an issue with many people on here. The worst thing is when smug people come on here saying how it's their fault somehow and they shouldn't moan about it.

Where in my post did I say that people shouldn't moan? If you're going to accuse me of something, at least try to dig up enough courage to say my name and accuse me with something I actually said.

I was joking around because I found it ironic that a spammer went into two threads where people complain about online dating, and basically said "Hey guys, online dating is great! And for a reason that I'm not going to explain, this linked site is better than all the rest!"

You don't find it funny I guess, but I don't care.

But yeah, I do think these threads are terrible, mostly because they're so depressing. I thought I would try to lighten the bleak mood.