Dating sites - what I don't understand

[VanillaCreme]

ehm, Blackdot, what do you mean with "women gets flooded with messages"? only some women, right?

Well, obviously, of course, certainly, he meant all of us. We're so flooded with messages, that these sites give us dams... snap! [/sarcasm]

 

[BigJim]

I can completely agree with the Origional post... I'm on a dating site and I might get a reply back maybe every 30/1 I send.. it is a joke, you spend effort to read someones profile, write to them for them to read it and ignore you..

I do understand that some people are looking for certain things in a relationship but there is no good reason to be ignorant and stuck up and to ignore nice people who have made an effort to get to know you.

I have found 99% of the girls I message that reply back do not even read my profile.. or the message i have even sent them

People are so stuck up now.. too much interested in looks and fashion rather than getting to know someone for their personality,

Another stupid comment that makes my blood boil is 'i don't want to talk to you I don't know you" I get that a lot online in england, its as if people will only speak to people they know.. I just think to myself grow up and make some more friend

 

[VanillaCreme]

I do understand that some people are looking for certain things in a relationship but there is no good reason to be ignorant and stuck up and to ignore nice people who have made an effort to get to know you.

I have found 99% of the girls I message that reply back do not even read my profile.. or the message i have even sent them

People are so stuck up now.. too much interested in looks and fashion rather than getting to know someone for their personality,

That's not being stuck up. People don't have to talk to just because you signed up for a dating site. Just like it's completely within your right to send anyone a message and reply to any message you may receive, it's their right to decide not to reply. There's reasons unknown to you why one wouldn't reply, and to call someone ignorant or stuck up based upon the fact they don't answer your message just comes off as being bitter.

 

[murmi97]

I do understand that some people are looking for certain things in a relationship but there is no good reason to be ignorant and stuck up and to ignore nice people who have made an effort to get to know you.

I have found 99% of the girls I message that reply back do not even read my profile.. or the message i have even sent them

People are so stuck up now.. too much interested in looks and fashion rather than getting to know someone for their personality,

That's not being stuck up. People don't have to talk to just because you signed up for a dating site. Just like it's completely within your right to send anyone a message and reply to any message you may receive, it's their right to decide not to reply. There's reasons unknown to you why one wouldn't reply, and to call someone ignorant or stuck up based upon the fact they don't answer your message just comes off as being bitter.

I agree you do have a right to not engage with someone, but he's talking about a real problem irl with the "i don't want to talk to you I don't know you" closed-off attitude. I sincerely hope more courage is found by these people so that they may learn to turn big bad strangers into friends.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I agree you do have a right to not engage with someone, but he's talking about a real problem irl with the "i don't want to talk to you I don't know you" closed-off attitude. I sincerely hope more courage is found by these people so that they may learn to turn big bad strangers into friends.

It may be closed-off, I agree, but people have the right to be that way. It may not benefit them, but they can be stubborn all the same. Personally, I find nothing wrong with getting to know someone, even if you may be put-off or kind of wary of them at first. However, you can't dwell on those who don't return the same courtesy. There's no point. Move on. There's always someone who would talk with you a bit.

 

[BigJim]

I do understand that some people are looking for certain things in a relationship but there is no good reason to be ignorant and stuck up and to ignore nice people who have made an effort to get to know you.

I have found 99% of the girls I message that reply back do not even read my profile.. or the message i have even sent them

People are so stuck up now.. too much interested in looks and fashion rather than getting to know someone for their personality,

That's not being stuck up. People don't have to talk to just because you signed up for a dating site. Just like it's completely within your right to send anyone a message and reply to any message you may receive, it's their right to decide not to reply. There's reasons unknown to you why one wouldn't reply, and to call someone ignorant or stuck up based upon the fact they don't answer your message just comes off as being bitter.

No one is arguing wether or not its their right or not to not reply to messages... its simply arrogant and stuck up in my opinion.

If I spoke to you at a bar and you looked at me and ignored me that would completely be your choice, that is your right to do so, but I would think of you as the same... stuck up and a few other words, the same principal is involved

In my opinion its socially unacceptable...

And one should not moan about being lonely if you are ignoring people who are going out their way to make effort with you

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm not saying you're wrong in think it's stuck up or whatever else. In my opinion, it's not. I wouldn't be so rude as to stare at someone though and not even say hi. But my point was when you start tossing around names and such just because you're not getting the reaction or response you want, it comes off as being bitter. That's just how I read it. I'm sure not everyone would think the same.

 

[BigJim]

I used words that describe how these people are acting.. nothing more

Its society I have a problem with, nobody has good morrals and values anymore, a lot of people are up themselves and only care on looks and fashion or tattoos or whatever,

Gone with the days where you got to know someone inside out and liked them for who they are, nw its "nice tattoo" "nice good pay job" "nice car" "your hot'...... so let's date have sex THEN I'll get to know you.

Society is wrong, its a failure... government and bad parening have let my once good country become a zoo,

---

Nowdays everybodys mentality is about what people have got rather than what peope are..

 

[EveWasFramed]

If you don't mind a little bit of constructive criticism, I see two things wrong with your message (assuming your messages aren't much longer than the one you mentioned originally).

All I said was something like this:
Its nice to see someone with similar interests to me in fitness and nutrition.
You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention.
How could I stand out among all competition? Well, I may not have much, but I am a genuine, gentle, honest, respectful person. Something that I think is rare.
Then I asked a couple of harmless questions from her profile.

The bolded part is a problem for two reasons - one, "I may not have much" seems like you either lack confidence in what you do have, or that you really don't have much to offer (in which case you aren't going to stand out from the competition). Either way, I would leave that off. Also, when you say "I am genuine, gentle, etc." - although it is true that these are rare qualities, they don't really say anything about you because she doesn't know if they are true since anyone can say those things about themselves (again, it doesn't help you stand out from the competition).

Also, the line "You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention." doesn't help you stand out from the crowd at all - if she's that good looking, she probably hears that from a lot of the guys that message her.

Asking questions relevant to her profile is good - and mentioning common interests at the outset is good; but to be honest with you, I would be more specific with that. I would also use the subject line with something eyecatching (using a statement with ellipses sometimes works), so it would be something like:

Subject: I couldn't help but notice...

Message: ...that you're a fitness buff like me. Have you ever run a 10k? I just ran my first one a few weeks ago, and thought it was exhilarating. I plan to do another one soon.

I also noticed that you're into [something that she mentions in her profile]. What got you into that?

Talk to you soon,
MSBXA


Having said all that, sometimes women just aren't interested for whatever reason - but I have had success at getting return messages from that kind of format.

Hope that helps.

---

One other thing, I usually try to be playful in the message (but that's just me) - something like (and this is a real example) "I have to ask...what in the world were you doing wearing a coat in a nightclub? If there's one place you never need a coat it's in a club." (based on a picture she had on her profile) - it isn't really teasing her, but it's a little bit of lightheartedness, so the message doesn't seem like an interview.

---

I couldnt have said it any better. Perfect, Raab.

---

I used words that describe how these people are acting.. nothing more

Its society I have a problem with, nobody has good morrals and values anymore, a lot of people are up themselves and only care on looks and fashion or tattoos or whatever,

Gone with the days where you got to know someone inside out and liked them for who they are, nw its "nice tattoo" "nice good pay job" "nice car" "your hot'...... so let's date have sex THEN I'll get to know you.

Society is wrong, its a failure... government and bad parening have let my once good country become a zoo,

---

Nowdays everybodys mentality is about what people have got rather than what peope are..

---

^^ ABM.

 

[WL7.3]

If you don't mind a little bit of constructive criticism, I see two things wrong with your message (assuming your messages aren't much longer than the one you mentioned originally).

All I said was something like this:
Its nice to see someone with similar interests to me in fitness and nutrition.
You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention.
How could I stand out among all competition? Well, I may not have much, but I am a genuine, gentle, honest, respectful person. Something that I think is rare.
Then I asked a couple of harmless questions from her profile.

The bolded part is a problem for two reasons - one, "I may not have much" seems like you either lack confidence in what you do have, or that you really don't have much to offer (in which case you aren't going to stand out from the competition). Either way, I would leave that off. Also, when you say "I am genuine, gentle, etc." - although it is true that these are rare qualities, they don't really say anything about you because she doesn't know if they are true since anyone can say those things about themselves (again, it doesn't help you stand out from the competition).

Also, the line "You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention." doesn't help you stand out from the crowd at all - if she's that good looking, she probably hears that from a lot of the guys that message her.

Asking questions relevant to her profile is good - and mentioning common interests at the outset is good; but to be honest with you, I would be more specific with that. I would also use the subject line with something eyecatching (using a statement with ellipses sometimes works), so it would be something like:

Subject: I couldn't help but notice...

Message: ...that you're a fitness buff like me. Have you ever run a 10k? I just ran my first one a few weeks ago, and thought it was exhilarating. I plan to do another one soon.

I also noticed that you're into [something that she mentions in her profile]. What got you into that?

Talk to you soon,
MSBXA


Having said all that, sometimes women just aren't interested for whatever reason - but I have had success at getting return messages from that kind of format.

Hope that helps.

---

One other thing, I usually try to be playful in the message (but that's just me) - something like (and this is a real example) "I have to ask...what in the world were you doing wearing a coat in a nightclub? If there's one place you never need a coat it's in a club." (based on a picture she had on her profile) - it isn't really teasing her, but it's a little bit of lightheartedness, so the message doesn't seem like an interview.

---

I agree with everything Theraab said. When I did online dating, I responded to confidence and playfulness. There's definitely a way to do it and a way not to. Don't ask her how you can stand out from the rest, just do it. If you have to ask, the assumption is you can't. There was an intensity to your message that read as desperation. It's possible to sound relaxed yet politely interested at the same time. Intensity can work sometimes for some people, but you have to be pimp to pull that off. Also, the right pictures and profile are important. Maybe you could run it by someone before you send a message to get feedback. Don't think of writing something different than your first instinct as being fake. Think of it as showing the best side of yourself, a side you may not be accustomed to showing and therefore need a bit of correction, like braces.

 

[BigJim]

---

I used words that describe how these people are acting.. nothing more

Its society I have a problem with, nobody has good morrals and values anymore, a lot of people are up themselves and only care on looks and fashion or tattoos or whatever,

Gone with the days where you got to know someone inside out and liked them for who they are, nw its "nice tattoo" "nice good pay job" "nice car" "your hot'...... so let's date have sex THEN I'll get to know you.

Society is wrong, its a failure... government and bad parening have let my once good country become a zoo,

---

Nowdays everybodys mentality is about what people have got rather than what peope are..

---

^^ ABM.
[/quote]

What does ABM Mean??

 

[Naleena]

I always replied back with a "thank you" when I used those sights. While they may not "owe" you a reply, they could at least have some common courtesy by acknowledging your letter if you attempted to write a decent introduction. Don't give up. I met someone through a site whom I had a four year relationship with.

 

[perfanoff]

I do understand that some people are looking for certain things in a relationship but there is no good reason to be ignorant and stuck up and to ignore nice people who have made an effort to get to know you.

I have found 99% of the girls I message that reply back do not even read my profile.. or the message i have even sent them

People are so stuck up now.. too much interested in looks and fashion rather than getting to know someone for their personality,

That's not being stuck up. People don't have to talk to just because you signed up for a dating site. Just like it's completely within your right to send anyone a message and reply to any message you may receive, it's their right to decide not to reply. There's reasons unknown to you why one wouldn't reply, and to call someone ignorant or stuck up based upon the fact they don't answer your message just comes off as being bitter.

No one is arguing wether or not its their right or not to not reply to messages... its simply arrogant and stuck up in my opinion.

If I spoke to you at a bar and you looked at me and ignored me that would completely be your choice, that is your right to do so, but I would think of you as the same... stuck up and a few other words, the same principal is involved

In my opinion its socially unacceptable...

And one should not moan about being lonely if you are ignoring people who are going out their way to make effort with you

Ah. We have a true gem here.

 

[Naleena]

Ah. We have a true gem here.

You nut <3

 

[perfanoff]

I prefer something more politically correct.. maybe "normality challenged"

Hugs to you, Nal.

 

[msbxa]

I agree with much of what BigJim said. Even if that attitude is bitter, if other people can be stubborn, stuck-up, too confident, etc. etc., then another can have every right to feel bitter, etc.
Hey I'll admit that I am rather bitter, about a number of things. And I also like bitter alcohol too.

I agree with everything Theraab said. When I did online dating, I responded to confidence and playfulness. There's definitely a way to do it and a way not to. Don't ask her how you can stand out from the rest, just do it. If you have to ask, the assumption is you can't. There was an intensity to your message that read as desperation. It's possible to sound relaxed yet politely interested at the same time. Intensity can work sometimes for some people, but you have to be pimp to pull that off. Also, the right pictures and profile are important. Maybe you could run it by someone before you send a message to get feedback. Don't think of writing something different than your first instinct as being fake. Think of it as showing the best side of yourself, a side you may not be accustomed to showing and therefore need a bit of correction, like braces.

The problem is, if there is one way you are supposed to do things, one way to send proper messages, things you should do and say and should not do, say, etc., then really the whole process becomes a game with rules. And therefore ultimately, it is fake in my opinion. The only people it would really suit is the people where their personality is actually like that.

I didn't mean to ask the question "how could I stand out" - I presented the statement which I thought was a reasonable and obvious concern - then I answered it simply honestly. There is no doubt that certain women get loads of attention. I was just trying to point out that I am aware of it I guess. Isn't that question a reasonable concern for most sane men? - Again, I am being direct and to the point about it, in my mind.

Perhaps yes my messages come across with desperation. But I am not afraid to admit and face my shortcomings right away. It is fact that everyone has negative traits of some kind. The way I am is to just admit to my negatives as facts then move on. In a way, isn't that actually rather confident in itself to do so? Doesn't it actually take some confidence and balls to just say what you really mean instead of just following the rules of what to say and not to say?
Maybe I feel like I need to get my shortcomings out of the way at first so that I can relax and move forward. But evidently, that is not a good thing to do...

Whats a strange pattern I notice is that when I really don't care, women seem to draw towards me more, try to get my attention, etc. The ones I don't really like tend to like me, and the ones I do like, tend to draw away from me - probably because when I care my intensity comes out. But the thing is - high intensity also involves high passion - something that can be desirable.

 

[perfanoff]

No. Deliberating and thinking deeply is in the human psyche, anti-confidence.

The human psychology and society has "soft" rules that don't apply all the time (just like damn everything like all sciences) but apply nevertheless.

Just food for thought. In case you wanted to be a "pseudo-intellectual".

 

[Tiina63]

Sometimes I haven't replied to messages I have had from dating sites. If the writer sends a couple of very short sentences with no thought behind them, if he asks straightaway for a full length photo, if he is rude or patronising etc. then I don't reply.

 

[blackdot]

Yeah, if the message is something like "Hi" and I look at the profile and see no possible connection, then I give no response.

 

[nerdygirl]

So here's my question for the people who complain about not getting responses on dating sites. What happens after you respond to emails from people who claim they want to transfer $20 million to your bank account? No, don't tell me it isn't the same thing, because you're writing a sincere letter while the other is attempting a scam. Either it's rude to respond to every single letter you receive or it isn't. Personally, I've always believed that not responding sends a very clear response: I'm not interested.

Rather than be upset with the people who don't send rejection letters, why not be upset with the countless guys out there who have made a difficult thing even harder? I used to send out, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we're compatible" kind of letters. Over half of the time, that provokes and interrogation or hostility from the other person. A lot of other people I know have had similar experiences.