mountainvista
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My BF moved in with me and my daughters a few months ago. It's not going well.
I feel as though he is manipulating me via the bait-and-switch, and gaslighting.
1. When we were dating, he made a big deal of saying that he doesn't drink. He even told me all about his DWI and subsequent JAIL TIME he had to do, plus mandatory 28-day rehab. "I learned my lesson," he said. I breathed a sigh of relief, because, especially having vulnerable people in my house (my daughters), I in no way wanted to deal with someone with addiction problems.
Fast forward to now. He is killing off at least a 6-pack every night after work. When I asked him, "Hey, I thought you said you don't drink," he said, "Oh no. I just don't drink MUCH." Um, ********. I recall him distinctly saying "I do not drink."
2. He is lazy. Oh no, in the beginning he was all Mr. HandyMan fixing this, and Mr. Helpful-Around-the-House doing dishes and vacuuming and picking up after himself. But now? He takes no responsibility for picking up after himself, saying "that's the kids' job."
Quite literally, all he wants to do is sit in the living room and play Xbox until 3 or 4 in the morning, even on days when he has to get up at 6 and go to work. I bust my ass as a nurse, working way more than 40 hours a week, and come home, cook, do all the ******* dishes and the laundry? NO. And yesterday was the first day he'd given me ANY money toward rent/utilities, and all he could manage was $400, and he owes me well over $1,500.
3. He is quick to pin the blame for something missing or broken on my kids, yet I've caught him out in a lie at least three times about these things when it turned out that he was responsible and then he was all, "Oh, I never said that " - either he's gas-lighting me or just plain caught in a lie and can't admit it, so why not lie some more.
I don't like ultimatums: "stop drinking or else," "pick up after yourself or else," "stop ******* lying to me, or else," etc. They're manipulative, but I will not have this behavior in my house. On the rare occasion that I drink, it is on nights when I am not the custodial parent, when my kids are with their dad. My kids have never EVER seen me drunk. If I break something, I own up to it, apologize and offer to replace it. I do not say, "Oh look what your kids did," when actually I was at fault.
Maybe I'm cynical, but I don't feel that people change because someone else asks them to. I think that counseling would be pointless. He is lazy, period. He lies about everything, especially his drinking. There's no changing those things. Even if there is, I think I am done. I have too much to worry about with my kids to pin hopes on maybes.
Yeah. I am pretty sure that it is over. I just want him out. I want the peace and harmony I used to have in the house when it was just me and my girls. I will not deal with a lazy, lying drunkard. The problem is that I cannot take time off from work at this time (unless I'm in the ER with a broken leg or dead) because we're at a critical time in the practice. By mid-August, the time off blackout will be over.
I only mention this because when he moves his stuff out, I want to be there to make sure my stuff doesn't get trashed or taken. How cynical is that?
How would you handle this? I'm a stressed out wreck.
I feel as though he is manipulating me via the bait-and-switch, and gaslighting.
1. When we were dating, he made a big deal of saying that he doesn't drink. He even told me all about his DWI and subsequent JAIL TIME he had to do, plus mandatory 28-day rehab. "I learned my lesson," he said. I breathed a sigh of relief, because, especially having vulnerable people in my house (my daughters), I in no way wanted to deal with someone with addiction problems.
Fast forward to now. He is killing off at least a 6-pack every night after work. When I asked him, "Hey, I thought you said you don't drink," he said, "Oh no. I just don't drink MUCH." Um, ********. I recall him distinctly saying "I do not drink."
2. He is lazy. Oh no, in the beginning he was all Mr. HandyMan fixing this, and Mr. Helpful-Around-the-House doing dishes and vacuuming and picking up after himself. But now? He takes no responsibility for picking up after himself, saying "that's the kids' job."
Quite literally, all he wants to do is sit in the living room and play Xbox until 3 or 4 in the morning, even on days when he has to get up at 6 and go to work. I bust my ass as a nurse, working way more than 40 hours a week, and come home, cook, do all the ******* dishes and the laundry? NO. And yesterday was the first day he'd given me ANY money toward rent/utilities, and all he could manage was $400, and he owes me well over $1,500.
3. He is quick to pin the blame for something missing or broken on my kids, yet I've caught him out in a lie at least three times about these things when it turned out that he was responsible and then he was all, "Oh, I never said that " - either he's gas-lighting me or just plain caught in a lie and can't admit it, so why not lie some more.
I don't like ultimatums: "stop drinking or else," "pick up after yourself or else," "stop ******* lying to me, or else," etc. They're manipulative, but I will not have this behavior in my house. On the rare occasion that I drink, it is on nights when I am not the custodial parent, when my kids are with their dad. My kids have never EVER seen me drunk. If I break something, I own up to it, apologize and offer to replace it. I do not say, "Oh look what your kids did," when actually I was at fault.
Maybe I'm cynical, but I don't feel that people change because someone else asks them to. I think that counseling would be pointless. He is lazy, period. He lies about everything, especially his drinking. There's no changing those things. Even if there is, I think I am done. I have too much to worry about with my kids to pin hopes on maybes.
Yeah. I am pretty sure that it is over. I just want him out. I want the peace and harmony I used to have in the house when it was just me and my girls. I will not deal with a lazy, lying drunkard. The problem is that I cannot take time off from work at this time (unless I'm in the ER with a broken leg or dead) because we're at a critical time in the practice. By mid-August, the time off blackout will be over.
I only mention this because when he moves his stuff out, I want to be there to make sure my stuff doesn't get trashed or taken. How cynical is that?
How would you handle this? I'm a stressed out wreck.