Do you admit you're lonely?

[dd11]

How you WISH the world is and how it often really is are 2 different things.

 

[Xpendable]

Never said I WISHED anything, just pointing out how it works.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I kind of agree with Dependable on the selfish part. He has a point.

 

[dd11]

It's selfish to not discuss feeling lonely??

 

[ladyforsaken]

And, saying this will repel people. People seek out friends who make them feel good about themselves or people whom they view have "like mindedness". If you admit to that, that is something that others don't want, so I don't see what is to be gained to discuss it.

If someone told me they were lonely, I'd want to try and help them feel less lonely. At least that's what I generally think most of the time. Knowing what it feels like to be all alone... makes me not want to do it to other people around me if I can help it and especially if I know they are feeling that way.

Perhaps this was along the lines of what Xpendable and Callie thought earlier.

 

[Paraiyar]

I think Delledonne11 meant that talking about loneliness too much can create a negative vibe that naturally turns people away. It may not be a matter of selfishness necessarily, it could be that these people get turned off because it starts to bring up feelings of loneliness or negativity within themselves and that obviously isn't what they want.

 

[dd11]

If the goal is to bring people closer, all I am saying is that i am not so sure that would be a good approach. That's all. There is nothing "selfish" about that so i don't really understand how that applies one way or the other. But, even so, there is nothing inherently wrong with acting "selfish" on one's own behalf either, so i really dont' get your point at all.

 

[Xpendable]

I think Delledonne11 meant that talking about loneliness too much can create a negative vibe that naturally turns people away. It may not be a matter of selfishness necessarily, it could be that these people get turned off because it starts to bring up feelings of loneliness or negativity within themselves and that obviously isn't what they want.

But she said it herself, the world isn't what you wish. Practically everyone has issues. You can't expect to go through life without hearing something you hold as negative. Most people has feeling lonely or depressed in their life, so is pretty unlikely you get a safe space from all of that. If you don't want to feel negative vibes better have no friends, or be friends with the amish.

 

[ladyforsaken]

But she said it herself, the world isn't what you wish. Practically everyone has issues. You can't expect to go through life without hearing something you hold as negative. Most people has feeling lonely or depressed in their life, so is pretty unlikely you get a safe space from all of that. If you don't want to feel negative vibes better have no friends, or be friends with the amish.

I get where you're coming from Xpendable and I get where delledonne is coming from too.

It really is up to the individual how they want to take it and react to it. It may or may not be selfish, but sometimes we only want the best for ourselves and if we think that being a certain way helps us achieve it, why the hell not, I suppose.

 

[TheRealCallie]

People here seem to think that loneliness is some kind of contagious disease that no one else would want to catch. What you aren't considering is that EVERYONE, at some point in their life is lonely or depressed. So what, maybe if those who felt those feelings didn't act like it was some kind of offensive topic that will make you an outcast, you wouldn't have such a hard time making friends or whatever it is you are trying to do.
I'm not saying you have to wear a sign on your forehead, but it's nothing to be ashamed of and if people or people you already know think it's a bad thing and treat your differently because of it, then **** them.
I'm alone (aside from my kids) and sometimes I'm lonely. So what, that doesn't change who I am as a person. That doesn't stop me from growing as a person.

 

[dd11]

I think Delledonne11 meant that talking about loneliness too much can create a negative vibe that naturally turns people away. It may not be a matter of selfishness necessarily, it could be that these people get turned off because it starts to bring up feelings of loneliness or negativity within themselves and that obviously isn't what they want.

People here seem to think that loneliness is some kind of contagious disease that no one else would want to catch. What you aren't considering is that EVERYONE, at some point in their life is lonely or depressed. So what, maybe if those who felt those feelings didn't act like it was some kind of offensive topic that will make you an outcast, you wouldn't have such a hard time making friends or whatever it is you are trying to do.
I'm not saying you have to wear a sign on your forehead, but it's nothing to be ashamed of and if people or people you already know think it's a bad thing and treat your differently because of it, then **** them.
I'm alone (aside from my kids) and sometimes I'm lonely. So what, that doesn't change who I am as a person. That doesn't stop me from growing as a person.

I don't disagree at you at all. I wish we could all just be who we are and people would embrace that. However, if there is some mass shooting or something the FIRST thing the media does is look for some mental health issue. Oh, they were "depressed" or whatever. And, that further stigmatizes people. IN my opinion, we need to stop calling EVIL mental illness when it is simply evil.
As for loneliness being "contagious", that isn't my opinion. However, i can only respond to other people where they are at. Most people want friendships with people who make them feel good, whom you have fun with, etc. That doesn't mean there aren't times you have those deep conversations. I can and do with my best friend. But, with more peripheral friends, not so much.

 

[Celt]

As you go about your daily life do you ever tell anybody how lonely you feel?
I am about as isolated as it's possible to be, at home every day alone and only leaving the house a couple of times a week for shopping.
I have family but they don't live near me so I rarely see them although I do talk to some of them on the phone occasionally but would never dream of saying how lonely I feel.
It seems, for me, to represent some kind of failure as a human to confess loneliness and I think there is a certain stigma attached to it.  
Am I wrong to feel this way.............does anyone else feel this way too?

I do admit to having loneliness at times but never get taken seriously. A lot of people just can't see this so it seems. Or perhaps they would rather not see it? Few people, even the ones who know you, can see deep down into your heart and are sceptical unless the symptems are obvious.

You feel similar to the way I feel in this respect ,Jently.

I'm sure I will find a thread at some point asking "why are you here". A vast subject with probably about 11,000 different points of view. But my main reason is no I can't talk about it anywhere else.

 

[morrowrd]

isolated is the right word. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me a few years ago, and the year I was alone, besides dating, occasional visits with my son, I realized how isolated I was. Unable to break into any social circle, and when I was invited to get together, I was really on the outside looking in. Without a relationship, I am very alone. I don't mind it, but mind it. And yes, it is tough to admit to anyone else because you (I) feel something is wrong. A little bit of shame, watching others be social and not knowing or having the skills to be like they are. It's just not in my blood.

This relationship I've had for a year. What a lottery win. Shes hot, and an introvert. So we are in a world just the two of us.

I have always been a loner, and introvert. Although in the 90's I went though what I've coined as "personal reform" - where I worked on myself for ten years. Withdrew from everyone, and everything, and changed myself. At the end of all that work, I was 42, and able to start a childrens program in my community, using the skills I learned, and that program provided a whole bunch of new skills. Yet in the end, I am STILL an island. I can walk into a social setting now, interact fine, yet it is just like I'm doing it with a bubble around me. I go into the world, and withdraw to my home, my "fort".

This girlfriend being an introvert, has been such a big help. Talking to someone who understands why you are the way you are is such an amazing thing to experience.

 

[Jently]

Thanks for sharing and i'm so glad you have found that special someone who 'gets' you, it must be lovely to feel understood

 

[Somnambulist]

As you go about your daily life do you ever tell anybody how lonely you feel?
I am about as isolated as it's possible to be, at home every day alone and only leaving the house a couple of times a week for shopping.
I have family but they don't live near me so I rarely see them although I do talk to some of them on the phone occasionally but would never dream of saying how lonely I feel.
It seems, for me, to represent some kind of failure as a human to confess loneliness and I think there is a certain stigma attached to it.  
Am I wrong to feel this way.............does anyone else feel this way too?

No feelings are "wrong" ... they are simply secretions oozing out of your mind, that you have little control over.

I have made the mistake of telling many "friends", quite directly, that I'm miserable because I'm alone. It was a mistake because I couldn't possibly have conveyed the magnitude of the problem to them ... there are no words. Also, they wouldn't understand because, to them, the solution would be to log on to Facebook and "connect", and problem solved.

I realized, a long time ago, that it is not important to me what others think of me (failure/success). So, my advice to you in that regard is to end the futile endeavor of trying to be a "success" in others' eyes. What does that word even mean, anyway ?

I think that half the solution to any problem is recognition and admission of the problem, which you seem to have done. Then, of course, comes the part of doing something about it.

One thing you could do, when you talk to people, and want to convey loneliness, is to imply that you are lonely but without being explicit about it. So, instead of, "Jane, I feel so alone here by myself." ... how about, "Jane, it would be nice to have you over for dinner once in a while." That way, you avoid misunderstandings (coz people don't get what "lonely" means), and you focus on the possible solution instead of the problem.

If none of what I said is helpful, it's possibly because I'm here on this site facing all the same problems as you

 

[Jently]

Thanks for the suggestion which makes complete sense Somnambulist, however, in order to do what you suggest you need to have friends or at least acquaintances to approach to offer hospitality to and therein lies the problem - I have no-one. Not a single friend and it seems i'm incapable of forming friendships; it's been a lifelong problem.
I think i'm just too insular and don't have the capacity to give whatever it is that people share to form friendships.

 

[Austen]

I'm sorry and sad that so many of us find it difficult to talk about our loneliness with others.

But then, I've never received positive remarks/support from others whom I've admitted this too, outside of this forum. My close friends tend to use it against me, others say that I'm being dramatic and overly sensitive. A couple of times people even said I sounded desperate. So now I pretend like I'm not lonely and am completely fine with being alone because it's easier to live behind a facade than having to deal with the unkind things people are capable of saying.

 

[tsar]

I tend to keep it to myself.

 

[Jently]

I tend to keep it to myself.

That seems to be the consensus doesn't it and speaks volumes about how society generally views loneliness and how that makes it harder for us to deal with.

 

[morrowrd]

I tend to keep it to myself.

That seems to be the consensus doesn't it and speaks volumes about how society generally views loneliness and how that makes it harder for us to deal with.

Lets face it, society makes you feel like something is wrong with you if you don't have friends, or a social circle.  Being lonely means either that, or that you are a forgotten senior citizen - which is more acceptable than a younger person who is socially isolated. Admitting loneliness has a shame tag.