Singularity
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- Joined
- Apr 24, 2012
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Here's my little story. I don't swear to offend, but to get my point across which is FML. Can anyone else relate?
Why do I still love him? Do I want myself to be miserable? Do I want to live everyday for the rest of my life dreaming about how happy we were, at least, how happy I was with him? But wasn't I miserable? I can't really remember. I know sometimes I hated myself when I was with him. Sometimes I hated him for how he treated me. But I learned to ignore that. It didn't matter that he wasn't happy or in love, ****, I don't even know if he even liked me the last few months we were together, I was so blinded by the fact that he still talked to me, that he still ****** me. Either I couldn't tell he wasn't happy because he played the game so well, or I'm an idiot who chose to ignore the obvious. I have a bad feeling it's the latter. All I know is that this sucks.
It's been almost a year. I'm out of the crying phase, the denial phase, and the angry phase. I'm past the phase which is after the 'oh my god you stupid ****! I hate you for ruining my life' phase, the 'I desperately want you back even though you won't answer my phone calls or texts and you've blocked me on every social media network in existence' phase. And then when you realize there's no more ways to send him messages or emails, there's another crying/ 'I ******* hate you' phase. Then the '**** you, I'm over you, you *******' phase. Right now I'm stuck on this phase: 'I'm depressed that I still love you and you still hate me and have probably moved on with your life by now'. Theres a second part to this phase which is 'I still think about you everyday. I hate myself for it, and I don't ******* understand why you still won't talk to me' phase, part two.
This whole pain in the ass cycle has taken one year to come round, and I'm waiting for it to end. I'm still waiting for 'time', whoever the **** that is, to heal my wounds. That hasn't happened yet. All 'time' has done is imprison me in this never ending cycle of crying, pain, and hating that ******* guy who did this to me. Yeah, I used to be a normal person, I'm just ******* insane now. Can't let go of anything, can't trust anyone, don't let anyone get close to me cause who knows, they will probably just run away anyway.
And the worst part are the dreams. At night, when I close my eyes to get a restful nights sleep and dream of flying through the clouds on a unicorn, like every other normal ************ out there, except my ex is in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Even if my dream self turned to him and said 'go the **** away', he would still stand there, looking at me with his derped out dream face, knowing it kills me!
Why? Why is this happening. If I ever tried to forget about all this breakup ********, well, it failed because all the day's hard work of 'moving on', RUINED! by the dream I had of me and my ex getting back together. And when I wake up in the morning its a fml day, everyday.
I used to be afraid of going to sleep because it would hurt my tender heart too much to see him every night in my dreams like that. Why is my brain torturing me? But now I'm so used to it that I sometimes welcome them, and let myself live the pretend life in my sleeping idiot brain where we are together and happy. Sometimes I pretend like that's my real life instead of this one, where I'm typing away about my relationship, more like non-relationship, problems and sulking in the fact that the boy I fell in love with rejected me. My dreams are more exciting than my real life anyway, I get to fly on a unicorn for ***** sake. Who wouldn't want that? And everyone knows this life sucks. So I declare this life fake so my dream life can take over! Did it work? Hopefully soon because I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll forget any of this happened; like trying to remember a fuzzy dream.
Why do I still love him? Do I want myself to be miserable? Do I want to live everyday for the rest of my life dreaming about how happy we were, at least, how happy I was with him? But wasn't I miserable? I can't really remember. I know sometimes I hated myself when I was with him. Sometimes I hated him for how he treated me. But I learned to ignore that. It didn't matter that he wasn't happy or in love, ****, I don't even know if he even liked me the last few months we were together, I was so blinded by the fact that he still talked to me, that he still ****** me. Either I couldn't tell he wasn't happy because he played the game so well, or I'm an idiot who chose to ignore the obvious. I have a bad feeling it's the latter. All I know is that this sucks.
It's been almost a year. I'm out of the crying phase, the denial phase, and the angry phase. I'm past the phase which is after the 'oh my god you stupid ****! I hate you for ruining my life' phase, the 'I desperately want you back even though you won't answer my phone calls or texts and you've blocked me on every social media network in existence' phase. And then when you realize there's no more ways to send him messages or emails, there's another crying/ 'I ******* hate you' phase. Then the '**** you, I'm over you, you *******' phase. Right now I'm stuck on this phase: 'I'm depressed that I still love you and you still hate me and have probably moved on with your life by now'. Theres a second part to this phase which is 'I still think about you everyday. I hate myself for it, and I don't ******* understand why you still won't talk to me' phase, part two.
This whole pain in the ass cycle has taken one year to come round, and I'm waiting for it to end. I'm still waiting for 'time', whoever the **** that is, to heal my wounds. That hasn't happened yet. All 'time' has done is imprison me in this never ending cycle of crying, pain, and hating that ******* guy who did this to me. Yeah, I used to be a normal person, I'm just ******* insane now. Can't let go of anything, can't trust anyone, don't let anyone get close to me cause who knows, they will probably just run away anyway.
And the worst part are the dreams. At night, when I close my eyes to get a restful nights sleep and dream of flying through the clouds on a unicorn, like every other normal ************ out there, except my ex is in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Even if my dream self turned to him and said 'go the **** away', he would still stand there, looking at me with his derped out dream face, knowing it kills me!
Why? Why is this happening. If I ever tried to forget about all this breakup ********, well, it failed because all the day's hard work of 'moving on', RUINED! by the dream I had of me and my ex getting back together. And when I wake up in the morning its a fml day, everyday.
I used to be afraid of going to sleep because it would hurt my tender heart too much to see him every night in my dreams like that. Why is my brain torturing me? But now I'm so used to it that I sometimes welcome them, and let myself live the pretend life in my sleeping idiot brain where we are together and happy. Sometimes I pretend like that's my real life instead of this one, where I'm typing away about my relationship, more like non-relationship, problems and sulking in the fact that the boy I fell in love with rejected me. My dreams are more exciting than my real life anyway, I get to fly on a unicorn for ***** sake. Who wouldn't want that? And everyone knows this life sucks. So I declare this life fake so my dream life can take over! Did it work? Hopefully soon because I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll forget any of this happened; like trying to remember a fuzzy dream.
