V
Veruca
Guest
Hey guys,
I’ve been struggling with this issue for awhile and every time I try to start a thread about it, I feel so exposed that I delete it
But a friend suggested I try to put it up here as having others share their experiences might help.
Basically, deep down, I have zero self esteem or self worth. Growing up, I was bullied a lot by family and school/college mates. And while I have lovely parents, their only fault was that they made it seem like they were embarrassed of me. I was always too talkative, too opinionated, too loud, too silly. I was also on steroid medication for 12 years which made me chubby (and has messed up my metabolism for life), and the fact that I was dark, made me the target for all kinds of insults in my society.
The logical aspect of my mind knows to not believe what they had said, but I think my self esteem was gone at such a young age, that I don’t know how to find it or form one now.
For awhile, I felt ok. I was working out and that improved my physical appearance and moods, but this last year, I’ve put on quite a bit of weight and I’m feeling horribly depressed again. Sometimes, I have trouble getting out of the house because I think I’m just too ugly.
So anyway, as a way to survive in the real world given this low self esteem problem, I think I developed an alter ego of sorts. It helped in the beginning, I was confident, assertive, able to deal with insults without bursting into tears.
But over the years, I’ve just grown more and more insecure, and the worse I feel about myself, the worse my alter ego becomes. I feel like I’ve become a very disagreeable person now. I’m argumentative, patronizing, sometimes I exaggerate to try and impress others.
And I have this need to always try and become someone the other person would like, as opposed to just being myself. Because ultimately, “myself” is just not good enough and I am so terrified of having everyone I like, dislike me (which ironically is happening already).
None of this is me and I feel extremely guilty and plain awful the minute I’m alone. I don’t want to offend anyone, that’s the last thing I want to do. But for some reason, everything that comes out of my mouth while in the company of others, is the opposite of what I really want to say or really feel inside.
I’ve been trying to be more conscious of how I behave around people so as to bridge the inner self and outer, but it seems like the minute I meet someone, I automatically turn into a different person.
I hope this makes sense. I’m trying to post this without deleting it because I feel such anxiety over this whole thing right now.
So if you guys have similar experiences or have any advice for me, I’d be grateful
Thanks
I’ve been struggling with this issue for awhile and every time I try to start a thread about it, I feel so exposed that I delete it
But a friend suggested I try to put it up here as having others share their experiences might help.
Basically, deep down, I have zero self esteem or self worth. Growing up, I was bullied a lot by family and school/college mates. And while I have lovely parents, their only fault was that they made it seem like they were embarrassed of me. I was always too talkative, too opinionated, too loud, too silly. I was also on steroid medication for 12 years which made me chubby (and has messed up my metabolism for life), and the fact that I was dark, made me the target for all kinds of insults in my society.
The logical aspect of my mind knows to not believe what they had said, but I think my self esteem was gone at such a young age, that I don’t know how to find it or form one now.
For awhile, I felt ok. I was working out and that improved my physical appearance and moods, but this last year, I’ve put on quite a bit of weight and I’m feeling horribly depressed again. Sometimes, I have trouble getting out of the house because I think I’m just too ugly.
So anyway, as a way to survive in the real world given this low self esteem problem, I think I developed an alter ego of sorts. It helped in the beginning, I was confident, assertive, able to deal with insults without bursting into tears.
But over the years, I’ve just grown more and more insecure, and the worse I feel about myself, the worse my alter ego becomes. I feel like I’ve become a very disagreeable person now. I’m argumentative, patronizing, sometimes I exaggerate to try and impress others.
And I have this need to always try and become someone the other person would like, as opposed to just being myself. Because ultimately, “myself” is just not good enough and I am so terrified of having everyone I like, dislike me (which ironically is happening already).
None of this is me and I feel extremely guilty and plain awful the minute I’m alone. I don’t want to offend anyone, that’s the last thing I want to do. But for some reason, everything that comes out of my mouth while in the company of others, is the opposite of what I really want to say or really feel inside.
I’ve been trying to be more conscious of how I behave around people so as to bridge the inner self and outer, but it seems like the minute I meet someone, I automatically turn into a different person.
I hope this makes sense. I’m trying to post this without deleting it because I feel such anxiety over this whole thing right now.
So if you guys have similar experiences or have any advice for me, I’d be grateful
Thanks
