Dying of loneliness

[The_Viking_King_56]

Several months ago I broke down crying, telling my wife that I was dying of loneliness and sadness. Told her that I was on this loneliness forum just to talk to people to keep from losing my mind.
Nothing has changed, no passion, no compassion, just more of the same day after day aloneness that I've felt for 25 years.
I don't eat...lost 80 lbs. I sleep 10 hours during the day, awake all night. Lay in my bed the rest of the day, depressed.
Wife is obtuse, doesn't seem to notice.
Would love a change in my life but have hurt enough people in my life.
I feel trapped and all alone.
Thought that maybe a clandestine affair would be the answer to my loneliness but that would come with it's own set of problems.
I don't believe in suicide or you wouldn't be reading this right now.
I don't expect any pity or miraculous answers to my problems from anyone,
just needed to write it down and get it out.
Thanks for listening!

 

[Hazed]

Hey dude, i'm sorry to hear, that's really rough. What did your wife say when you told her? If i make you some spaghetti will you eat it?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Awful! I have no advice on this one, just good on you for speaking up, for saying what was on your mind and being vulnerable, I am sorry that theres been no change, would you consider couples therapy ?

 

[TheRealCallie]

If she is so distant and not compassionate, why would it hurt her if you left?
If you are dead set on staying, I think it would be a good idea to get a separate life. Go out, meet new people, get a hobby, learn something new. It may not solve all your problems, but it will help a little.

Just don't cheat. That's not fair for any person involved. Like you said, a whole new set of problems.

 

[Butterfly 2]

I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't improved for you. It sounds like you have taken one huge step since the last time you shared with us. You discussed it with her and it doesn't sound like it did any good.

I stand by what I had said a couple of months ago. An affair would only make your life worse and could be devastating for others who would be involved and not only the other person.

It still sounds like the decision is up to you. Just by sort of blowing it off, she appears to already have made her half of the decision. So sorry because I'm sure it's miserable and it's a tough decision and I remember that you have relatives in common and that makes it even harder not to mention all of the years together.

 

[user 164061]

I think you've got to find a way out really. 25 years is a long time to feel this way and it's clearly not a nice way to be treated at all, especially if you've got a lot of caring etc left to give. Some people either stick with one another as they don't want the hassle of a divorce or they'll just stay with each other till the end because of how old they are. Seems like she wouldn't give a damn if you walked out on her without saying a word which is really sad.

 

[Rohini]

80lbs? Wow. I am sorry VikingKing..
at this point in the game - what choices are left aside from leaving the marriage?

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

Hey dude, i'm sorry to hear, that's really rough. What did your wife say when you told her? If i make you some spaghetti will you eat it?

Thank you for your reply.
As I explained, I had broken down crying, she was there trying to comfort me but never said anything. Never discussed it afterwards. As long as I'm silent, she's content to go about life as if nothing is wrong. Here it is 4 PM and I'm laying in bed and she just left to go play cards over to her daughters house! No cares.
I appreciate your kind gesture of the spaghetti, but I have no appetite.
Really just hoping that the Lord Jesus would call me home so I can experience what it's like to be loved again, but with my luck I'll live to be an ancient lonely ******* of 110. Lol...
Thank's again! ❤

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

Awful! I have no advice on this one, just good on you for speaking up, for saying what was on your mind and being vulnerable, I am sorry that theres been no change, would you consider couples therapy ?

Thank you for your reply, she agreed to go to couple's therapy and I've tried to get therapy lined up but my crappy Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance won't pay much for therapy and they want $80 an hour for self pay! Health care in America is the pits.
She wouldn't say anything different in therapy than what she'll say to me in private, she's hiding things that she did behind my back during the first 5 years that we were together. She'll never be truthful either way...this will probably come down to me leaving her without anything getting worked out.
Thank's again for your reply.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

80lbs? Wow. I am sorry VikingKing..
at this point in the game - what choices are left aside from leaving the marriage?

Thank you for your reply!
You're probably right. There's nothing more to do except bail out of this super hurtful relationship, which is probably what will happen. I've put WAY more into this catastrophe than she has deserved. If I were to meet someone who was intersted in me it would be all over for her in a heartbeat! Dating sites are full of low life scammers I've found out, I've been working out a lot at home, going to join a gym very soon. Might connect with someone there...
Thank's again for your reply! ❤

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

80lbs? Wow. I am sorry VikingKing..
at this point in the game - what choices are left aside from leaving the marriage?

Pretty much skin and bones now...

 

[Rohini]

I mean, I think you look good - especially for your age. Low body fat as you get older is good. But not if your health is suffering from your diet ofc.. you should at least try to drink some milk everyday for nutrients and to add back some (healthy) weight if you wanted too <333

 

[Butterfly 2]

You've still got very good muscle tone for your age.

It sounds like you have pretty much made your decision and that's probably the hardest part. Are you sure you want to jump into dating just before or right after you get out of your relationship? Maybe give yourself a couple of months in between time so you can take a deep breath and reassess your life? I understand that it's difficult to be alone at our age and after long-term relationships, but maybe just give it a bit of time?

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

I mean, I think you look good - especially for your age. Low body fat as you get older is good. But not if your health is suffering from your diet ofc.. you should at least try to drink some milk everyday for nutrients and to add back some (healthy) weight if you wanted too <333

Thank you. I live on milk! Also take a good multivitamin and I take a tablespoon of Black cumin seed oil twice a day. Ever heard of it? Check it out, it has many benefits!

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

You've still got very good muscle tone for your age.

It sounds like you have pretty much made your decision and that's probably the hardest part. Are you sure you want to jump into dating just before or right after you get out of your relationship? Maybe give yourself a couple of months in between time so you can take a deep breath and reassess your life? I understand that it's difficult to be alone at our age and after long-term relationships, but maybe just give it a bit of time?

Thank you. I've always had a large build. I come from a line of big men. My little brother was 6' 3" and built like a brick *********. His nickname was "Bear".

I totally get your reasoning for maybe taking a break and not rushing right into another relationship...very sound advice. My deal is that I've been so lonely for so long...I was alone for 12+ years raising my children pretty much by myself in my first marriage and this marriage turned out to be worse. So 40+ years of loneliness is quite enough! I've been starved nearly to death from lack of intimacy and love. I'm a very romantic, passionate man, I've wanted to be in love since 3rd grade! Seriously, who thinks about wanting to be in love in 3rd grade?! Unfortunately...me.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Your "Little brother"? So how tall are you?

At first I thought you lost 80 lb because of the situation and being depressed and undecided as to what to do, but you intentionally lost the weight, right?

Okay. Now everything you say is making total sense. It isn't like you are going to go out and find someone to have on the side and stay in your marriage anyways.

You're not alone and I think a lot of us fall into that category. I had always wanted to find my soulmate early in life and be married forever. If you ever heard third grade girls giggling, it's very possible that there's a boy around they like. And yes, girls in third grade will also talk about boys and some probably have those same thoughts as you had.

I'm just glad you made your decision and are moving forward with it. I have been fortunate and gotten my wish, but those days are gone now. And yet I'm still grateful that it ended up being for the largest part of my life.
But I know what you're saying. The clock is tickin'.

You have things much more thought out than I did since our situations were different and I didn't want my marriage to end so that's what confused me. I was actually quite content, but there is only so much we have control over.

So do you like dating or are you dreading that part? Have you decided which dating website you're going to try? I wish you well! You deserve it.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

You look great for your age.
Owning The Mind, is a key factor to troubleshooting loneliness.
We're not just born with that ability, it's a developmental skillset that comes from the practice of critical thinking exercises over a factor of time.
Car or motorcycle breaks, can't afford a mechanic, you've gotta fix it yourself. It's just another one of those types of things, just it's not a physical thing in front of you.

I asked an entrepreneur once about his vacation to go camping for a week.
He told me that he goes camping to reset himself, that off the path and into nature proper it puts the brain into instinct mode. Sharpening instincts is organically therapeutic. He told me he'd go hunting and fishing for this reason, as well as for the campfire and setting up the campsite, and so on.

I understand that now, having intentionally challenged my poor sense of direction like a reckless idiot in my 20s by driving out to the woods and walking in one continual direction for the period of about an hour off path, forcing myself to find my way back to the main path and eventually to my car before sunset. Don't get lost in the woods! But maybe get out there some.

I know another guy who did some SCA stuff for a while until he got into his early 70s and retired, which is basically renaissance fairs but with reenactments and properly traditionally made weaponry and armor, sometimes they have taverns, etc.

The idea is to try to drum up enough cognitive engagement so that your emotional spectrum and cognitive spectrum switch roles and the cognitive gradually takes the forefront. Can be anything from camping and ren. fairs, to crafting, writing, exercising, or reading. Something that's engaging enough to demand the forefront of attention. Hell, even handyman/hardware skill developments and practices can help. Do you need an additional chair or table? Maybe not. But could you build one anyway, sand & gloss, and weather treat it? Yeah. And if you don't have anywhere to put it, you can put it online for sale for at least the difference for the wood and non-tool materials.

As for marriage management, errmm, ya got me.
I've never been married, so I don't really speak on peoples marriages unless I'm directly asked to and have known both of the people for quite some time so that I can understand where the miscommunications are.

Loneliness partially comes from when the mind wanders too much when it isn't trained better.
Naturally, the mind wanders to negative things that have a tendency to make us feel bad.
In Psych that's called The Default Mode (weird name, but yeah, that's a technical term).
You can't totally turn that off, but you can use cognitive engagement to gradually focus less on the lingering feelings of loneliness.

Psilocybin mushrooms have also been medicinally administered for therapeutically helping assess The Default Mode.
I don't recommend it, but I don't condemn it, either because it does help some people.

Have you tried pets for company?
Something that helped me cope with too much solitude and isolation is that any kind of a social interaction helps some, even if it isn't the woman I want, just having anybody to be there and talk to helps.

This is a real problem for older people.
Be it in strained marriages or those in the single life, so you're not alone.
Women also experience this, it isn't just men.
If you hop on a website like Etsy, you will find an incalculable amount of handcrafted jewelry from men and women, who likely started the hobby as a form of cognitive engagement to help cope with their mental instabilities and gradually realized there's a market for crafting.

 

[user 139760]

Several months ago I broke down crying, telling my wife that I was dying of loneliness and sadness. Told her that I was on this loneliness forum just to talk to people to keep from losing my mind.
Nothing has changed, no passion, no compassion, just more of the same day after day aloneness that I've felt for 25 years.
I don't eat...lost 80 lbs. I sleep 10 hours during the day, awake all night. Lay in my bed the rest of the day, depressed.
Wife is obtuse, doesn't seem to notice.
Would love a change in my life but have hurt enough people in my life.
I feel trapped and all alone.
Thought that maybe a clandestine affair would be the answer to my loneliness but that would come with it's own set of problems.
I don't believe in suicide or you wouldn't be reading this right now.
I don't expect any pity or miraculous answers to my problems from anyone,
just needed to write it down and get it out.
Thanks for listening!

Hi and welcome. As much as it might be painful to you, staying in this situation and expecting a change I don't believe would be extremely wise. You sat down and talked to her, if she didn't take it seriously...maybe the relationship IS over and neither of you is ready to admit it. Instead of spending a lot of time sleeping, I'd suggest starting with one activity. Might be a walk, might be bowling, whatever you can do to keep you occupied for a small amount of time each day and build on it. Maybe consider leaving your wife if it's not conducive to your happiness. As hard as it could be, maybe it's what you need.
Good luck.

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

Your "Little brother"? So how tall are you?

At first I thought you lost 80 lb because of the situation and being depressed and undecided as to what to do, but you intentionally lost the weight, right?

Okay. Now everything you say is making total sense. It isn't like you are going to go out and find someone to have on the side and stay in your marriage anyways.

You're not alone and I think a lot of us fall into that category. I had always wanted to find my soulmate early in life and be married forever. If you ever heard third grade girls giggling, it's very possible that there's a boy around they like. And yes, girls in third grade will also talk about boys and some probably have those same thoughts as you had.

I'm just glad you made your decision and are moving forward with it. I have been fortunate and gotten my wish, but those days are gone now. And yet I'm still grateful that it ended up being for the largest part of my life.
But I know what you're saying. The clock is tickin'.

You have things much more thought out than I did since our situations were different and I didn't want my marriage to end so that's what confused me. I was actually quite content, but there is only so much we have control over.

So do you like dating or are you dreading that part? Have you decided which dating website you're going to try? I wish you well! You deserve it.

Thank you for the very thoughtful and uplifting comments!
I'm 5'9" but I called him my "little brother" because he was younger than I. He passed over to the "other side" in 2020 from cancer. Damn stuff!

Yes, the weight loss was due to the overwhelming stress I've experienced. It took about 3 years for me to lose the eighty lbs. Couldn't eat. Didn't do it on purpose! I've only been exercising for about 8 months.

Well, that's exactly what I had intended to do! Find someone whose marriage is dead weight like mine. It would bring two people the love and companionship that they need without tearing apart the fabric of 2 families. My wifes children and grandchildren think the world of me.
And believe me, if anyone knew what my wife really did behind my back for years nobody would feel a shred of sorrow for her.
If it's the end of this marriage I'd love to get out into dating! I think it would be awesome going out with a woman and enjoying spending time together. Although I don't kiss on the first date!! Lol..

So THAT'S why those 3rd grade grade girls were giggling every time I chased them around the playground!! Lol.
I remember kissing one girl, even remember her name!

I really don't want our marriage to end either, I truly loved my wife and have gone to great lengths and sacrifices to keep us together. But my soul is withering away from lack of affection and romance and passion!!! I want to feel alive again!! 40+ years of loneliness and abuse is enough for me!

I hope that I've addressed most of your questions and concerns! Thank you so much for caring enough to comment! ❤

 

[The_Viking_King_56]

Hi and welcome. As much as it might be painful to you, staying in this situation and expecting a change I don't believe would be extremely wise. You sat down and talked to her, if she didn't take it seriously...maybe the relationship IS over and neither of you is ready to admit it. Instead of spending a lot of time sleeping, I'd suggest starting with one activity. Might be a walk, might be bowling, whatever you can do to keep you occupied for a small amount of time each day and build on it. Maybe consider leaving your wife if it's not conducive to your happiness. As hard as it could be, maybe it's what you need.
Good luck.

Thank you for your reply!
I'm definitely not expecting a change in my situation, nothing has changed in 27 years and it's not going to get any better. I'm not expecting that it will.
I guess my dilemma is not wanting to hurt our children (5 total, none together) and grandchildren for me to be happy.
Sure, I could bail out of this marriage tomorrow and have 3 girlfriends by the end of the week! I wouldn't be lonely anymore but at what cost to all involved?? It's not an easy decision!
Soon it will be spring and I can putt around in the garden and watch the veggies grow.
I love camping and plan to do quite a bit more this year!
Thank you for your suggestions! They are much appreciated! ❤