Every relationship is worse than the last

[MonkeyDLenny]

I'm starting to wonder why I even bother trying...every time I date a girl it just turns out worse...and worse...and worse...

The first girl I was in love with, we dated for three months before she dumped me over the phone, on my birthday...on the grounds that I was 'too nice' and that if she stayed with me any longer she'd have cheated on me

I went out with a girl once, and on the second date she ditched me the moment I got there, then texted me calling me 'unbearably awkward'

My Homecoming date ditched me at the door and left me standing out there for a good while before I went in and saw that she had totally blown me off and was talking with her friends.... I cried in the bathroom and left early...

My most recent ex was the cruelist, most despicable woman I've ever met. She took advantage of me, always shot down my ideas and opinions, manipulated me, did nothing but complain about how much better Toronto was during our vacation, didn't even FLINCH when I got mugged trying to buy something for her and called me overdramatic, went on a 30 minute rant to break me down, and slept with someone else the same night.

Its rare my relationships last beyond a week before I'm dumped for one reason or another, even by people I've known for a long time and I've been friends with....

I'm just not good enough for anyone, only to be used...

Women just find me amusing for a short time before they throw me aside...

The few girls I've dated who have actually loved me...I've ended up hurting because I went into it out of loneliness and I had to end it because it wasn't fair to lead them on...

I'm just no good at anything...

 

[lifestream]

Why is it somehow your fault, MonkeyDLenny?

*comment removed*
Mod note: That word, in any form, isn't allowed. Thanks.

 

[MonkeyDLenny]

Because I'm consistently proven that I'm not good enough for anyone...

I used to have a group of best friends...and all of them turned on me and cast me out because I wasn't good enough for something....

I'm not good enough for anyone...and every girl I date just hurts me worse and worse. Hell, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if the next girl I date tries to frame me for murder or something...

 

[TheRealCallie]

This likely isn't what you want to hear, but it sounds like you have some issues with yourself that you need to address. By what you've posted in this thread, you don't think much of yourself. You likely project that, subconsciously, onto others. Even if you do your best to hide it, they likely still see it.
Be okay with who you are and what you have and then things should start to fall into place.

That said, when 2 people break up, it is never the fault of just one person. You both likely have part of the "blame" for going your separate ways.

 

[lifestream]

I'm sorry to hear that. People can be so fickle. :/

What kind of vetting process do you have for a potential girlfriend? What do you look for?

 

[Badjedidude]

Perhaps you should seek to understand why you're choosing to get into relationships with toxic people.

In my experience, it's very rare that people are able to hide red flags from a careful observer -- even if they're trying to hide their natures in the beginning of the relationship. There are always red flags, pointers, warnings.

Learn how to recognize these and you'll be in a much better position to choose whom to involve yourself with.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I've had the same problem, Monkey. Only at least you have actually gone on dates. I've never even gotten that much. I've been trying to figure out some things by researching why this seems to keep happening, I have my guesses but I'm not sure.

I know how tempting it is to tell yourself that you're just not good enough, but you can't do that because that only perpetuates the problem. If you think you're not good enough, you will act like you're not good enough because that's what you've come to expect from yourself. It's easy to just sit there and think you're not good enough, I deal with these thoughts every day - but it won't solve the problem. Fear, self-doubt, negativity, and complaining about anything less than matters of life and death are pretty much not allowed.

Do you have a strong identity? Do you know what you're interested in, who you are, what you're about, where you're going? That's a problem I have that I'm trying to work on. According to what I've read, you need to have a strong identity so that women know you are not wobbly and weak, that you won't let them walk all over you. Also, it keeps you interesting. Making progress at something is attractive - I've observed several guys that I feel are interesting, and they're all making progress at this and that and have strong, well-defined identities and are going for what they want. They seem to have no problem getting and retaining girlfriends.

Also, apparently you can't be too nice until it is established that you are dating. Even then I'd be careful on how nice I am to a girl. That doesn't exactly mean be a jerk - I was confused on that for a while but I think I'm starting to understand what that means. It means don't be too quick to be overly nice and polite to someone who hasn't earned it yet. Have common courtesy of course, but don't wait on them hand and foot, bend over backwards for them, change your interests, or anything like that.

And like others have said, those girls you've dated sound like pretty nasty people - there have to be some kind of warning signs going on that there is something wrong with them. I guess I'd say use a bit more caution.

Anyway I hope I've helped you. Like I said I'm in the same boat as you, maybe even further behind, so I don't know any of this for sure. It's just my best guesses, since I'm facing a lot of similar issues. Best of luck.

 

[Ymir]

Also, apparently you can't be too nice until it is established that you are dating. Even then I'd be careful on how nice I am to a girl. That doesn't exactly mean be a jerk - I was confused on that for a while but I think I'm starting to understand what that means. It means don't be too quick to be overly nice and polite to someone who hasn't earned it yet. Have common courtesy of course, but don't wait on them hand and foot, bend over backwards for them, change your interests, or anything like that.

I think this is sound advice for every relationship ever. You really should guard yourself and don't be too nice -- as in making big favors, getting out of your way, lending considerable sums of money -- for people that you don't know if they would do the same for you or not. I myself am up to do small favors every now and then, but if I notice the other person starts asking for too much and taking it for granted without giving anything back, I stop.

It's a good way to keep abusers and nasty people away.

 

[ardour]

That said, when 2 people break up, it is never the fault of just one person.

perhaps not most of the time... but never?

 

[TheSkaFish]

I think this is sound advice for every relationship ever. You really should guard yourself and don't be too nice -- as in making big favors, getting out of your way, lending considerable sums of money -- for people that you don't know if they would do the same for you or not. I myself am up to do small favors every now and then, but if I notice the other person starts asking for too much and taking it for granted without giving anything back, I stop.

It's a good way to keep abusers and nasty people away.

Thanks. It's been hard for me to accept this one, since I was raised to be nice. And now that I'm old enough to examine beliefs for myself, I still believe in being nice. I like it when people are nice to me and am never annoyed by someone being nice to me. And yet, the more I research dating, the more I find the idea that if you are too nice, particularly as a man, it is seen as weak. I guess the idea is that it seems like the man wouldn't speak up for himself out of fear of upsetting the woman, and fear, or changing your interests for someone else = weakness. I understand it, even though I don't agree with it. But that's how people work so I guess I'll just have to adopt it since I don't want to be single for life.

The confusion with the jerks seems to be, it's not that they are valued because they are jerks. It's just that jerks don't make the mistake of being overly nice because they aren't concerned with being nice in the first place. I still say it's wrong and immature to be a jerk. But being overly polite and nice as a man just doesn't seem to work.

I definitely do see your point about the big favors, going out of your way, and lending considerable sums of money. Someone would really have to earn my trust before I'd do that.

 

[Badjedidude]

The confusion with the jerks seems to be, it's not that they are valued because they are jerks. It's just that jerks don't make the mistake of being overly nice because they aren't concerned with being nice in the first place. I still say it's wrong and immature to be a jerk. But being overly polite and nice as a man just doesn't seem to work.

The problem is that some women mistake aggression/indifference/*******-ness for confidence.

And I'd just like to point out that I wouldn't want my significant other to be overly polite or nice, constantly bending over backwards or altering her life to suit me. I would see such behavior as an insult... like she thinks I require that sort of constant fawning attention. No thanks. Live your life, pursue your dreams... don't pander to me because you think I need to be appeased or coddled. ****. That. ****.

I think it's healthy for people to seek out partners who are independent/strong-willed or those who will say "no."

 

[TheSkaFish]

The problem is that some women mistake aggression/indifference/*******-ness for confidence.

And I'd just like to point out that I wouldn't want my significant other to be overly polite or nice, constantly bending over backwards or altering her life to suit me. I would see such behavior as an insult... like she thinks I require that sort of constant fawning attention. No thanks. Live your life, pursue your dreams... don't pander to me because you think I need to be appeased or coddled. ****. That. ****.

I think it's healthy for people to seek out partners who are independent/strong-willed or those who will say "no."

Well, in a way it's confident because they just don't care what anyone, including their date, thinks. But at the same time, it's actually weak, since they are hiding behind this aggression and this need to be seen as a "tough guy".

As for the rest, it's not like I'm looking for someone to constantly fawn over me. But I like getting sweet messages. I like someone to ask me about my day, or my thoughts, or my passions or hopes and dreams. I like someone that makes me feel cared about in a romantic way.

 

[Badjedidude]

Yea. The whole "outlaw", "tough guy" act. I hate those guys with a passion. To me, those guys just look like they are trying really hard to be cool. Like they're almost saying "oh look at me, I'm such a rebel, I'm such an outlaw, I'm so dangerous.....please think I'm in a gang?" If you really think about it, it's anything but confident since they choose to hide behind a thug costume. But unfortunately, a lot of women are suckers for that act. It's so lame. But it almost guarantees you someone.

I wasn't even talking about guys who simply act tough. There are plenty of guys who just are apathetic, brutish ********. No tough act needed; they lack empathy or emotional stability, they may be violent or aggressive... and some women mistake this for confidence and strength.

As for the rest, it's not like I'm looking for someone to constantly fawn over me. But I like getting sweet messages. I like someone to ask me about my day, or my thoughts, or my passions or hopes and dreams. I like someone that makes me feel cared about in a romantic way.

Oh, I like those things too.

I was mostly pointing out that I think both men and women are more likely to dislike someone who fawns over them or is overly nice or desperate to please.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Yea. The whole "outlaw", "tough guy" act. I hate those guys with a passion. To me, those guys just look like they are trying really hard to be cool. Like they're almost saying "oh look at me, I'm such a rebel, I'm such an outlaw, I'm so dangerous.....please think I'm in a gang?" If you really think about it, it's anything but confident since they choose to hide behind a thug costume. But unfortunately, a lot of women are suckers for that act. It's so lame. But it almost guarantees you someone.

I wasn't even talking about guys who simply act tough. There are plenty of guys who just are apathetic, brutish ********. No tough act needed; they lack empathy or emotional stability, they may be violent or aggressive... and some women mistake this for confidence and strength.

Yeah I gotcha. Btw, I edited my post because I'm trying to train myself to complain less about this and do something about it instead. I tend to just slip into rants about it, and feel like I'm doing something about the problem when I'm actually not. It's gotten to the point where I'm barely conscious of it and then another day passes and I still haven't made the changes, done the work. So I'm trying to catch myself before going on a tangent.

 

[stork_error]

You have 3 choices. #1 Stop being nice, become an ******* and watch all the ******* flock to you, #2, go get some therapy to find out why you are attracted to the girls who don't want you and not attracted to the ones who do… and then fix it #3. Stop dating all together because you decided that you cant stop liking ******* and feel that you're too far gone and its a lost cause.

 

[MonkeyDLenny]

You have 3 choices. #1 Stop being nice, become an ******* and watch all the ******* flock to you, #2, go get some therapy to find out why you are attracted to the girls who don't want you and not attracted to the ones who do… and then fix it #3. Stop dating all together because you decided that you cant stop liking ******* and feel that you're too far gone and its a lost cause.

1. I couldn't do that even if I tried, it goes against my entire nature

2. I've considered therapy for different reasons

3. You say that as if I run towards a neon sign that says 'I'll destroy you'.

There's also one other thing to this. I...CANNOT ask a girl out at all. Every woman I've ever dated has been the one to ask ME out. I'm totally incapable of asking a woman out.

I know what you're all going to say 'Grow a pair and ask her out'

Yeah, I just get rejected every time. Hell, I was once at a restaurant by myself and two girls were getting seated in front of me. The following exchange happened:

"How many?"
"Two *turns to me* Three if YOU join us~"
"...Really?"
"NO!"

They then proceeded to laugh in my face and go to their seat. I get rejected without even TRYING!

If there is a higher power, then he or she hates me.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Hell, I was once at a restaurant by myself and two girls were getting seated in front of me. The following exchange happened:

"How many?"
"Two *turns to me* Three if YOU join us~"
"...Really?"
"NO!"

They then proceeded to laugh in my face and go to their seat. I get rejected without even TRYING!

If there is a higher power, then he or she hates me.

How old were these girls? I don't think mature, intelligent women would act that way. That's just lame, and I wouldn't sweat that situation at all. People like that are worthless, and anyone who's anyone would know it.

 

[MonkeyDLenny]

Hell, I was once at a restaurant by myself and two girls were getting seated in front of me. The following exchange happened:

"How many?"
"Two *turns to me* Three if YOU join us~"
"...Really?"
"NO!"

They then proceeded to laugh in my face and go to their seat. I get rejected without even TRYING!

If there is a higher power, then he or she hates me.

How old were these girls? I don't think mature, intelligent women would act that way. That's just lame, and I wouldn't sweat that situation at all. People like that are worthless, and anyone who's anyone would know it.

Not even sure, but they appeared to be my age.

The point is...what started as just 'bad luck' for me has evolved into an endless stream of failure and disappointment.

I screw up everything, I can't have a date without something going wrong...

With what my most recent ex put me through, I'm a little scared to know what the next girl I date will do to me

 

[Solivagant]

Hell, I was once at a restaurant by myself and two girls were getting seated in front of me. The following exchange happened:

"How many?"
"Two *turns to me* Three if YOU join us~"
"...Really?"
"NO!"

They then proceeded to laugh in my face and go to their seat.

^ That exact same thing happened to me once (but they were guys)! Actually things like that happen fairly regularly to me, and I've never been sure why. A couple months ago I was out for a walk, and a group of guys harassed me; one poured his drink over my head and down my shirt, and they ran off smacking my rear and shouting animal noises at me. That had me down for awhile, I didn't even want to step outside. My attempts at friendship have never fared well either, most ending in painful ways, and sometimes it feels like my life has been and will continue to be one long strain of cruelty, heartache and rejection. I don't know if I'm just unlucky, or unlovable, or there's something about me that attracts horrible people, or what. But in situations like the restaurant: I am bothered by it for awhile, it's hard not to be, especially when you're lonely. I never forget it either. But it's best to remind yourself what kind of people they are for treating you that way, and try to let it go. It's most likely got nothing to do with you. That's how I try to cope with it, anyway.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Actually things like that happen fairly regularly to me, and I've never been sure why. A couple months ago I was out for a walk, and a group of guys harassed me; one poured his drink over my head and down my shirt, and they ran off smacking my rear and shouting animal noises at me. That had me down for awhile, I didn't even want to step outside. My attempts at friendship have never fared well either, most ending in painful ways, and sometimes it feels like my life has been and will continue to be one long strain of cruelty, heartache and rejection.

I didn't really take notice of this until now. I'm genuinely sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes I can't believe that in spite of how advanced our world is and how much intelligence and creativity and good things are in it, there are still lowlifes like the ones you described around. And the fact they did that to a girl...such cowards.

I've been harassed before myself in the past, and it's made me also not want to go outside. It's also angers me severely, but the thing about people who harass is that they either do it in groups, or they do it and then run away before I could have given them what they deserved. No one has ever harassed me one and one and stood their ground, been willing to fight me fairly. Again, because they are cowards at heart. Either way it's put me in a mood I don't want to be in. So I'm just saying, I empathize with you here