Falling Out Of Love

[Fay F]

From what I've read so far, you sound like a great wife. Very understanding and supportive. Your husband sounds like he needs a loud and shocking wakeup call. So maybe you can move out or have him move out (if that is in the cards).

What does your husband do in his day to day? 

This is out of left field but, have you guys considered having kids before? I am not saying you should I am just asking.

Oh thank you. I'm trying so hard. All of my life I've wanted to have a loving marriage. I mean, that was one of my dreams. I'm a little old-fashioned I guess. I don't mind being called a housewife and I love to cook, bake, keep house and make my house a real comfy cozy home. I've really been very supportive of my husband (financially and emotionally). I mentioned in another post (I think to reply to you), that my husband does practically nothing all day. He has no hobbies besides browsing the internet. He does play music but refuses to take his instruments out until the basement is renovated - which will not happen for at least 5 years because of the cost. So now I'm left wondering what the heck is he going to do for 5 years??? Just resent me the whole time because I can't afford to renovate the basement for him?

Kids? NO!!! I'm not really a kid person. We have dogs and cats and I love them so much. They are kind of like my kids I guess. But he's irresponsible with them. All he has to do is take the dogs out before we feed them dinner, and then before he goes to bed at night. Half the time he doesn't do that and I find messes when I wake up. It breaks my heart that he neglects them so I've started to take on all of those responsibilities too. Oh, his other job is to clean the litter because 2 of the cats we have were his when we met and I was never really a cat person. So way back then he agreed that would be his job. He cleans it maybe once or twice a week lately.  Very irresponsible with our pets I can't imagine him being any kind of a father. He's the type who would abandon a child - and I know how judgmental that sounds! But he gave away some of his cats (before we met) because they were "too much work".

I have so many hobbies that I love and I'm busy all day until dinner time. He just sits there and acts bored and then when I don't react he tries to pick a fight.

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Hi I agree with the question above.Does he get out at all.Does he expend any energy on doing stuff at all.What were his interests before you got married.I know its easy to say for him to get a job this may be difficult if he's got SA.I just think you could do with some space away from each other.Knocking about the house together would drive anyone nuts,it sure would me.
Can he ride a bike,go for long walks,buy a dog ,I know a big commitment but they have to be walked which would get him out. You obviously a great wife.Is he on the internet all day?If he gets out he'll have stuff to talk about when he gets back and you can do your Art .It shouldn't be you doing all the work.

That's one thing that I am supportive of, his social anxiety. I do understand how that is because I had that for most of my young adult life and it was nearly unbearable to be out with people. But yes, he just knocks about the house doing next to nothing all day long. He surfs the internet most of the time or watches movies in bed.

I bought this house last year. It's in a very rural area because we both preferred to be away from the cities and towns. It's lovely here. I was out this morning, and you could literally hear a pin drop, that's how beautifully quiet and peaceful it is. We live right next to a long winding path that goes through a nature reserve. There is never anyone there, once in a while I'll come across someone on a quad or snowmobile, but 99% of the time I'm alone out there with the deer, foxes and coyotes.

He REFUSES to go for walks with me, saying he's too tired. I have a bike, he won't touch it. We have several dogs and I think I can remember the last time he walked them was over 5 years ago. It's such a nice spot and he's missing out. He won't go into the backyard (I have 1.6 acres of woods back there) because he says our land looks like a "ghetto" and a "construction zone". We have a lot of work to do back there because the last people put gravel everywhere (they were using it as a parking lot). He hates the deciduous trees, he wants a conifer forest and refuses to walk into the woods, he doesn't want to show his face because the house "looks like sh*t"...it's a fixer upper because that's all I could afford on my disability....you see what I have to deal with??

And I know the best thing is that I ask him to leave. I'm just so drained of energy from his constant complaining, demanding and anger...I am very weak.

 

[Fay F]

I'm sorry, but it all sounds to me as a manipulation (the moment when you had to apologize for example).
Is it possible he doesn't believe you can break up with him and you are really happy staying with him so he deserve some benefits for making you happy?
Or is it possible he is so deep in a depression that need a medical help?

What does he say about your sleeping in the office?

I agree that it is manipulation. And yes, it's not just possible but it's TRUE that he doesn't believe I can break up with him, and it's because I have asked him to move out several times over the last few years, then I panic and take it back. I know how awful this is...I just get so weak and scared that I'm going to be regretting my decision. I have very low self-confidence.

But just to be clear, this doesn't go on 24/7. It's (at this point) 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time, he's very sweet, caring and affectionate. I guess this is why it's so hard for me to follow through on ending the marriage. I've never broken up with anyone. Even in my teens and early twenties, I always stayed no matter what and the guy ended up being the one leaving. I'm afraid of it, which I think is reasonable, but it seems like an irrational fear.

He resents me for sleeping in my office, but then he gets mad at me for waking him up with I come to bed, then wake up in the morning, so it's a no win situation. He told me the other night he wanted to feel me next to him, but then that same night he complained that I was moving around too much.

 

[Fay F]

It seems that it's easier for women to be on their own especially after mid-life. Attached guys get used to having someone else in their lives and don't want to change. They get used to not making any effort and fall into a rut. They know that'll have to change if they want a replacement. However, they don't take notice until after it's all finished. Then if they still don't make the effort they stay single. 

Women on the other hand, typically feel a new release on life as if their significant other was a weight on them. They want to go out on dates, do fun things with friends, and maybe take some trips. It sounds like that's where you are at. I say keep doing things you enjoy. There's no time limit on divorce. It'll be clear in awhile how you feel and if he is interested in changing.

I really appreciate your take on this. He actually told me that if I ever asked him to leave, he'd be alone the rest of his life because he won't want to be with anyone else. Of course, this made me feel really guilty about having thoughts of freedom from him because he cried once and told me how lonely he was without me whenever I left for the day (shopping, vet, doctor appointments etc).

What I don't really understand is why he treats me with such contempt if he misses me so much? I need to stop asking why and stop obsessing over it. I don't think there is an answer to that question.

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Love does not conquer all.  That much I know.  I would never recommend staying in a relationship just because someone loves the person.  A relationship takes more than love. 

As for the work thing, there are work at home jobs, so he really has no excuse.

I also agree with "love doesn't conquer all". It's a partnership too, the household needs to be run, repairs need doing, pets need care, bills need to be paid, groceries bought...did I mention he doesn't drive either? I said this to a therapist a few years ago and that therapist said "quite a catch"...at the time it insulted me and I never went back, but he had a point.  

Oh, he has an answer for everything. Especially during this covid thing, there are LOTS of work at home jobs. He said his social anxiety would come out as anger on the phone and he'd get fired every time. 

I need more of a backbone.

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You know relationships , especially marriages, are always a work in progress. Much of his behavior is totally unacceptable and would definitely push you away and build up defences. If you want to save your marriage, then you will have to do something about it. If he refuses counseling, then by all means go for yourself.

I am in therapy actually. I'm in touch with a social worker just to talk. I'm also in touch with a self-esteem coach and doing her workshop. I'm trying to better myself, but it's not healing the marriage at this point. He refuses counselling, makes fun of it. All I can think of doing right now is avoiding him because even when I come to him lovingly, I never know what I'm going to get, a loving response, an apathetic "hmmm" or "meh" (I can't stand that "meh" garbage), or silent hostility. I feel like I'm always tiptoeing around him for fear of "getting in trouble"...that's not healthy, in fact it's a bit pathetic and humiliating.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Love does not conquer all.  That much I know.  I would never recommend staying in a relationship just because someone loves the person.  A relationship takes more than love. 

As for the work thing, there are work at home jobs, so he really has no excuse.

I also agree with "love doesn't conquer all". It's a partnership too, the household needs to be run, repairs need doing, pets need care, bills need to be paid, groceries bought...did I mention he doesn't drive either? I said this to a therapist a few years ago and that therapist said "quite a catch"...at the time it insulted me and I never went back, but he had a point.  

Oh, he has an answer for everything. Especially during this covid thing, there are LOTS of work at home jobs. He said his social anxiety would come out as anger on the phone and he'd get fired every time. 

I need more of a backbone.

And I have a solution for every ******** excuse. lol  There are work at home jobs that do not require talking on a phone. Google Rat Race Rebellion.  They have a lot of work at home jobs.  You can even categorize by what you can do.  
Now that that excuse is shot in the leg, what's his next one?

 

[Fay F]

I think you know what you want deep down, you are at the point of having a social worker with a domestic abuse alliance, you are in a serious situation.  Do they have the freedom programme near you?  I have been in a similar situation to you.  I remember the moment I fell out of love with my ex husband, he did something so vile I instantly lost any loving feelings for him, and then once my head started clearing from the fog of mental **** he stirred up, it dawned on me he couldn't possibly love me to treat me that way.  It still look me 18 months to leave.  These months were hell, as he sensed a difference in me, he tried to control more. We catch carefully when you are doing things that better yourself, how he reacts, what he says. 

This may sound harsh, but from what you have said if you do decide it is over.  Consult a lawyer to know where you stand financially.  Once he realises you are serious and understands that he might lose what is now comfortable, he might suddenly be happy to change and suck you back in, to just end up back to this in six months or a year.  He might suddenly want to give counselling a go.

I sincerely wish you peace and find what is best for you.

I'm sorry you went through that! I looked up the Freedom Programme, no, I have nothing like that, but I am doing a self-esteem workshop and she's a lovely lady who is helping me.

I came very close to leaving him last fall. Well, I say "leaving him", it's my house so asking him to leave. Though, on a tangent, I call it "our" house so he doesn't feel like a roommate, which is how he acts a lot of the time...anyway, last fall I actually moved into a motel for a week with the dogs. I needed space from him because he did something that really embarrassed me then gave me a verbal assault that I don't think I've recovered from to this day. He did like you said, sucked me back in with promises of change, getting his driver's license, doing more around the house and working on his anger issues.

Of course, it's all back to the same. He did start to read the driver's manual but quickly gave that up. He started to do more around the house, but over the last month, it's back to me doing mostly everything. He has NOT worked on his anger. He seems to have gotten worse.

I've already talked to Family Law and I know my rights. Luckily we are common-law, not legally married. This will help a lot during the process because I don't owe him a thing and neither does he owe me a thing. We just take what is ours and split.

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And I have a solution for every ******** excuse. lol  There are work at home jobs that do not require talking on a phone. Google Rat Race Rebellion.  They have a lot of work at home jobs.  You can even categorize by what you can do.  
Now that that excuse is shot in the leg, what's his next one?

LOL...I need to have some quick retorts for his excuses! Thanks so much for that link! I didn't know that existed! Geez, I could get a job there after I lose my disability pension when I hit 68 years old.

Interesting...I'll let you know when I bring this up to him. I'm sure there will be no excuse, just a flat out no.

 

[4No1]

But just to be clear, this doesn't go on 24/7. It's (at this point) 50% of the time. The other 50% of the time, he's very sweet, caring and affectionate.

That can make you feel guilty, and he still doesn't do anything during this 50% of time does he?

I think you've decided what to do, so be strong and do it. And anyway take no excuses and promises only actions. By the way if you live separately you still can date or live a guest marriage if you both are interested in it.

 

[Fay F]

That can make you feel guilty, and he still doesn't do anything during this 50% of time does he?

I think you've decided what to do, so be strong and do it. And anyway take no excuses and promises only actions. By the way if you live separately you still can date or live a guest marriage if you both are interested in it.

Yes, it does make me feel guilty. I mentioned it to my self-esteem coach and she sent me literature on guilt just yesterday that I need to read.

He's very big on promises, but no action, and I guess that I've been way too patient and forgiving.
He told me he's not interested in dating or being together unless we live together. He said if I need space away from him and he moves out or if I leave, then he's moving out for good. It's kind of threatening, but at this point it sounds like a relief. 

My self-esteem coach says to keep working on myself and I'll know when the time comes that it's time to ask him to go; that I shouldn't jump the gun or I risk panicking and asking him to stay - only to make things worse. 

I'm trying so hard to be strong. The lovely people here are really helping me out so much.

 

[4No1]

He told me he's not interested in dating or being together unless we live together.

Otherwords, he's interested only in geting a roof and a food from you. I'm sorry this sounds rough but due to your posts the things are like this.
You deserve a respect not servitude.

 

[Fay F]

He told me he's not interested in dating or being together unless we live together.

Otherwords, he's interested only in geting a roof and a food from you. I'm sorry this sounds rough but due to your posts the things are like this.
You deserve a respect not servitude.

Don't be sorry...I need tough love right now. I know that he's using me to a certain extent. I know it...it hurts too much for me to fully accept it though.

 

[Riverman3]

Hello everyone,

If you are in/were in a relationship...what are/were some of the signs that gave you the notion that you are/were falling out of love with your partner?

I'm in a tough situation where, for a long time, I suspected my husband stopped loving me because he no longer made an effort, became super controlling and also mean and nasty.

Now I'm wondering if I'm falling out of love with him.

1. He's annoying me now and I'm snapping at him (I feel so bad about that)
2. I have no physical attraction to him (though I try to "psyche myself up" by remembering why I fell in love with him)
3. I have daydreams of being on my own (not with another man, just alone)
4. He makes false promises, lip service and I feel disappointed a lot of the time (I've started not to rely on him at all)
5. I don't feel like including him in decisions I make anymore (I don't see him as an equal partner)
6. I tip toe around fearing I'll get "in trouble" (his anger, screaming, swearing causes me pain, the idea that he will do this causes me anxiety)
7. I don't want him with me when other people are around for fear he will embarrass me by being rude to them (he is very rude to people)
8. I lack compassion for his constant complaining (he loves to complain but never finds solutions, and won't hear of them)
9. I avoid him because of his negativity (I absorb his negativity at times, when I'm in a good mood, I suspect he tries to bring me down)
10. I'm giving up trying to communicate with a stone wall (it's not worth the effort)

I'm sure there's more. I really want our marriage to recover and thrive, but I feel either I'm fighting a losing battle; or he's completely given up; or I've completely given up. Then his mood swings and suddenly he loves me, can't live without me and I'm his soul mate.

This sure is tough. Nothing is black and white when the heart is involved! I wonder if I have the "Seven Year Itch" (Sixteen years married)
I'd love to find a way to rekindle our love...but when I mention it, he states that he refuses to do "homework" in a relationship.
It's so frustrating.

There is a book called "Who Moved My Cheese"
It is a best seller for business people but the principles apply for any relationship

A relationship dies, one drop at a time. When it isover....it is over.

 

[JJW]

It started to die when she took the position of relationship manager. Compromise was forgotten. It became her way or no way.

There might have been a catalyst. We never fought. We'd get angry but then silence.

 

[user 139760]

My parents have been married 42 years and are more or less the same way. Watching they're behaviors over the years has been difficult and, as you say, sometimes it gets better, others they don't speak for a week. It's been adverse on ME as well ironically and a small part of why I think I'm now scared of relationships and why sometimes I'm left wondering if love actually does exist or if it's just our own perceptions and projections on others that makes us think we're in love.
I don't want to tell you something rash or tell you to just keep going like many have said here, not because I don't believe it or wish for you, but because I have been on the phone every day almost with my mom for the last 15 years saying at one point or another the same things and...well she's not any happier. Yet I know without a shadow of a doubt that if she left my father, he'd keep saying he was fine and pretend everything is alright...while letting himself die. Even faster than he's doing now. He does love her, but he forgot how to show it. And I am SURE if I wasa fly on the wall, I'd see her,at different times and ways, doing the exact same thing.
So I'm not sure what to tell you. I'd say it was time for third party help but if your husband is anything like my dad, he'll see that as an insult. Yet, whatever else I could tell you would feel more like telling you to "prolong the agony". That isn't fair to you either.
Maybe consider ending it. Maybe the fear, and I do mean JUST the fear of that, would shock him into exploring that possibility.
You should sit down with him in a small neutral public caffe and start with the phrase "I am no longer happy with this relationship," list the reasons why and have him do the same. If you do want to save your marriage,you've got to find a way to get you BOTH into counseling. If you or him don't want to...I think the decision has already been made and no one wants to admit it yet. If you don't, you'll have to become, like my mom stuck in the status quo the rest of your life.

Also, I'd be careful with the domestic abuse advice. Any relationship is usually a 50/50 responsibility for success OR failiure,even if we sometimes don't see how our own mundane behaviors might irk the other person. Abuse councilors have a tendency to have a one sided view and assume you ARE being abused(which is perfectly normal since so many women are), so if you are not,take it gingerly. If you do want to save your marriage, itwon't be solved by one sided changes. They are making you better granted, but it may just be making you different enough that you won't want the marriage anymore, either. Which is not what you want, right?