Friendship

[Barbaloot]

A relationship on here? This isn't a dating site.

But kudos on trying to work on your marriage, I hope you can. That's the healthiest thing for your relationship and your family.

 

[tom_lonely]

A relationship on here? This isn't a dating site.

But kudos on trying to work on your marriage, I hope you can. That's the healthiest thing for your relationship and your family.

I meant ... a relationship online.

But that is moot...since I am saying that I want to try and heal my marriage.

 

[Okiedokes]

Good for you

 

[Tealeaf]

I'm no marriage counselor, but your e-mail sounds like a good start. Keep us updated on how things are going between you two, okay?

 

[Lonely in BC]

A relationship on here? This isn't a dating site.

But kudos on trying to work on your marriage, I hope you can. That's the healthiest thing for your relationship and your family.

It's not a dating site! Dam, how am I going to break this to her?

Hmmmmmm, maybe I'll keep quiet about this info

 

[Barbaloot]

A relationship on here? This isn't a dating site.

But kudos on trying to work on your marriage, I hope you can. That's the healthiest thing for your relationship and your family.

It's not a dating site! Dam, how am I going to break this to her?

Hmmmmmm, maybe I'll keep quiet about this info

lol, well, in general it's not. There have been some successes. And it certainly helps when neither party is married.

 

[tom_lonely]

That email was the beginning of a pretty intense conversation between my wife and I.

I think things are going to get better from here on out.

Even though it was hard to hear some of the things you people said...you also happened to be correct about my unhealthy relationships and need to work on my marriage.

I'll keep you posted.


Thank you for being true friends...all of you. : )

 

[Barbaloot]

I'm glad to hear it.

 

[Callie]

Little late to the convo here, but um...a spouse/partner/mate/whatever you want to call the person is NOT supposed to be your everything. You said the void is in YOU, not in your marriage. That's not your wife's fault, that's YOUR fault.

Find something meaningful to do with your spare time, find friends, find something to do on your own and perhaps that will bring you closer together, having something outside of the marriage. That said, going out and finding whoever/whatever to have sex with is just wrong, sorry, but it is. It's wrong and it's selfish. It sounds to me like you are not happy in your marriage, but you are staying there because it's more convenient, familiar and easier than to leave and start over. THAT, in my opinion, is selfish.

You aren't "friends" and you don't connect and you don't have sex with each other, but you see nothing wrong with screwing other people while in what is supposed to be a committed relationship...so basically, you're roommates. What's the point?

 

[tom_lonely]

Little late to the convo here, but um...a spouse/partner/mate/whatever you want to call the person is NOT supposed to be your everything. You said the void is in YOU, not in your marriage. That's not your wife's fault, that's YOUR fault.

Find something meaningful to do with your spare time, find friends, find something to do on your own and perhaps that will bring you closer together, having something outside of the marriage. That said, going out and finding whoever/whatever to have sex with is just wrong, sorry, but it is. It's wrong and it's selfish. It sounds to me like you are not happy in your marriage, but you are staying there because it's more convenient, familiar and easier than to leave and start over. THAT, in my opinion, is selfish.

You aren't "friends" and you don't connect and you don't have sex with each other, but you see nothing wrong with screwing other people while in what is supposed to be a committed relationship...so basically, you're roommates. What's the point?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I am working to heal the relationship. I realize how wrong-headed my request for female friends on here was. I can only apologize for this so many times. I guess I am having to do it again for you.

To all good people of the world who have never made a mistake or had an adulterous thought - I apologize.

I have had online sexual relationships. I never have had a real life affair. I have never met anyone that I have met online in person. Ever. It doesn't make it right. It is still being unfaithful. But I think in person is worse than meeting someone online and having "cybersex". Maybe in the minds of most people, there is no difference.

My wife has had ACTUAL affairs with 5 men during the course of our marriage. And I stayed with her.

Those of you who suggest that my wife and I should divorce have no idea what you are talking about, or what divorcing would mean for our family. I am the sole provider for my family. My wife doesn't work because she is disabled. She has a metal plate in her kneck holding it together because the vertebrae are crumbling. She is constantly sick. My 3 children have disabilities. My oldest has fibro myalgia. My son Tommy is Autistic. My youngest has Rett Syndrome. She requires 24 hour care, and will for the rest of her life. Despite our troubles, my wife and I have remained together. We both have grounds for divorce. But we have decided to stay together. We could divorce, sure. But that is also a very selfish decision under some circumstances.

Please be careful not to jump to conclusions about a person without really getting to know that person first.

Callie, this is not directed at you, at all. How could it be? We are strangers.

I am just venting. I guess I just began to feel upset at everyone screaming at me what a horrible person I am.

Tom

 

[IgnoredOne]

I feel for you.

 

[Callie]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I am working to heal the relationship. I realize how wrong-headed my request for female friends on here was. I can only apologize for this so many times. I guess I am having to do it again for you.

To all good people of the world who have never made a mistake or had an adulterous thought - I apologize.

EVERYONE makes mistakes, so don't play that card on me.

I have had online sexual relationships. I never have had a real life affair. I have never met anyone that I have met online in person. Ever. It doesn't make it right. It is still being unfaithful. But I think in person is worse than meeting someone online and having "cybersex". Maybe in the minds of most people, there is no difference.

My wife has had ACTUAL affairs with 5 men during the course of our marriage. And I stayed with her.

Whether they are ONLINE or OFFLINE, it's still a "sexual relationship."
So naturally that entitles you to do something that is "less" than what she did to get back at her? Gives you the right? Justifies it? Nice logic, you sound exactly like my ex...only wait, I never cheated on him.

Those of you who suggest that my wife and I should divorce have no idea what you are talking about, or what divorcing would mean for our family. I am the sole provider for my family. My wife doesn't work because she is disabled. She has a metal plate in her kneck holding it together because the vertebrae are crumbling. She is constantly sick. My 3 children have disabilities. My oldest has fibro myalgia. My son Tommy is Autistic. My youngest has Rett Syndrome. She requires 24 hour care, and will for the rest of her life. Despite our troubles, my wife and I have remained together. We both have grounds for divorce. But we have decided to stay together. We could divorce, sure. But that is also a very selfish decision under some circumstances.

Please be careful not to jump to conclusions about a person without really getting to know that person first.

Callie, this is not directed at you, at all. How could it be? We are strangers.

I am just venting. I guess I just began to feel upset at everyone screaming at me what a horrible person I am.

Tom

Also, you have no idea what I have seen or been through, so you shouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions about whether or not I can understand. Even knowing more about your current situation....I'm sorry to hear about what your wife and children have to go through in life, every day...but I stand by what I said.

 

[nerdygirl]

I didn't notice anybody saying you were a horrible person. I believe that people were trying to make you realize that you were betraying your wife, rather than trying to improve your situation. Her infidelity does not justify yours. If anything, it confirms that there are a lot of issues in this relationship. It sounds like you're both suffering from a tremendous void in your marriage.

Financial strain, the efforts of caring for disabled children, and the way your wife's disability affects each of you must be very difficult on your marriage. I hope that the two of you are in/ seeking therapy to repair your relationship. I also hope that it works.

That said, I do not agree that feeling obligated to care for anybody justifies remaining legally married. There are plenty of single/ divorced parents who have disabled kids. If your wife cannot work due to disability, she probably qualifies for some assistance.

Staying legally married to one person while you give yourself emotionally to somebody else? That's selfish.

 

[jales]

I do not think your request for a female friend was wrong. You have not lied to anyone. You could have come here and say you were single etc. And that would be wrong. It is great that you are working on your marriage. Also great that you are exploring and trying to fill the void you feel rather than ignoring it.

Life is really hard. It can be really hard and we all need friends and people who we can genuinely connect with to make it through. You really should not feel guilty for looking for that. At least you have identified that something is wrong in your life and you are trying to change it. I think that is brilliant and I hope everything works out for you.

My only advice is that you should also be open to the possibility of finding a friend who is male. You never know who can help you feel less alone. Yes women are nice to talk to, but so are some males. Tom please stick around this website, get to know people and do not give up. Things will get better just keep trying.

Make friends and try to heal things with your wife. Your request was not wrong. It was a cry for help. It took guts and I am proud of you. Keep trying, you will find people to connect with. And those people will heal you.

 

[tom_lonely]

I do not think your request for a female friend was wrong. You have not lied to anyone. You could have come here and say you were single etc. And that would be wrong. It is great that you are working on your marriage. Also great that you are exploring and trying to fill the void you feel rather than ignoring it.

Life is really hard. It can be really hard and we all need friends and people who we can genuinely connect with to make it through. You really should not feel guilty for looking for that. At least you have identified that something is wrong in your life and you are trying to change it. I think that is brilliant and I hope everything works out for you.

My only advice is that you should also be open to the possibility of finding a friend who is male. You never know who can help you feel less alone. Yes women are nice to talk to, but so are some males. Tom please stick around this website, get to know people and do not give up. Things will get better just keep trying.

Make friends and try to heal things with your wife. Your request was not wrong. It was a cry for help. It took guts and I am proud of you. Keep trying, you will find people to connect with. And those people will heal you.

Thank you. : )

---

I feel for you.

Thank you.

---

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I am working to heal the relationship. I realize how wrong-headed my request for female friends on here was. I can only apologize for this so many times. I guess I am having to do it again for you.

To all good people of the world who have never made a mistake or had an adulterous thought - I apologize.

EVERYONE makes mistakes, so don't play that card on me.

I have had online sexual relationships. I never have had a real life affair. I have never met anyone that I have met online in person. Ever. It doesn't make it right. It is still being unfaithful. But I think in person is worse than meeting someone online and having "cybersex". Maybe in the minds of most people, there is no difference.

My wife has had ACTUAL affairs with 5 men during the course of our marriage. And I stayed with her.

Whether they are ONLINE or OFFLINE, it's still a "sexual relationship."
So naturally that entitles you to do something that is "less" than what she did to get back at her? Gives you the right? Justifies it? Nice logic, you sound exactly like my ex...only wait, I never cheated on him.

Those of you who suggest that my wife and I should divorce have no idea what you are talking about, or what divorcing would mean for our family. I am the sole provider for my family. My wife doesn't work because she is disabled. She has a metal plate in her kneck holding it together because the vertebrae are crumbling. She is constantly sick. My 3 children have disabilities. My oldest has fibro myalgia. My son Tommy is Autistic. My youngest has Rett Syndrome. She requires 24 hour care, and will for the rest of her life. Despite our troubles, my wife and I have remained together. We both have grounds for divorce. But we have decided to stay together. We could divorce, sure. But that is also a very selfish decision under some circumstances.

Please be careful not to jump to conclusions about a person without really getting to know that person first.

Callie, this is not directed at you, at all. How could it be? We are strangers.

I am just venting. I guess I just began to feel upset at everyone screaming at me what a horrible person I am.

Tom

Also, you have no idea what I have seen or been through, so you shouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions about whether or not I can understand. Even knowing more about your current situation....I'm sorry to hear about what your wife and children have to go through in life, every day...but I stand by what I said.

So, does this mean that you won't be sending me a Christmas card this year?

I'm sure all 16 people who actively participate on this website feel sufficiently warned about what a monster I am and are grateful to know how disgusted you are by me and my behavior. You've made quite a statement against all men who are pigs. Well done. We are all sufficiently chagrined.

Anyone else have more to say?


Let's get it all out, so we all feel better.

 

[Barbaloot]

There's quite a substantial difference between someone saying what you are doing is wrong and suggesting that you are monster they are disgusted by. I don't think it helps anything to put words into the mouths of others or to read so much into what has been said that you essentially accuse them of persecuting you. It just seems that with the way you keep reacting to everything negative anyone says, you want them to be reviled by you. Yet not a person here has stated or suggested that you are what you are calling yourself.
People are only as defensive as you currently are when they know they did something wrong. But clearly since you have decided to work on your marriage this thread can move past that, so it's not about the wrong you did but the right you will do, no?

 

[EveWasFramed]

I'm sure all 16 people who actively participate on this website ...

You obviously haven't read the forum statistics.

 

[Callie]

So, does this mean that you won't be sending me a Christmas card this year?

I'm sure all 16 people who actively participate on this website feel sufficiently warned about what a monster I am and are grateful to know how disgusted you are by me and my behavior. You've made quite a statement against all men who are pigs. Well done. We are all sufficiently chagrined.

Anyone else have more to say?


Let's get it all out, so we all feel better.

First, there are more than 16 active members on this forum. Second, I have no intention of thinking for ANYONE else, they can come to their own conclusions just fine. If you feel you're a monster, so be it, but again, don't place that on me just because you didn't like what I said.

And no, I made a statement of my own opinion about what you said, I believe that's what you asked for, is it not? And I made a statement about my ex. You are trying to justify the cheating, you can deny that all you want, but it's plain as day. "She did it, so I can too, but at least I'm not so low as to actually touch another person like she did" seems to be your mantra on this one. It's wrong, regardless the circumstances, regardless what information I don't know...when you are married or in a committed relationship, you should remain faithful. If you cannot do that, perhaps you should rethink being in a serious relationship.

 

[tom_lonely]

Callie,

You absolutely correct.


Tom