Happiness

[budsalinger]

Happiness
a word once with meaning
now meaningless in a world full of dreaming
so hard to cope with the fact I'm alone
full of hatred so distant from happy once known

written when I was 16 and it's still true

Me:
Male
32 years old
New Jersey - Bergen County
Divorced
father of the most amazing nearly 2 year old son. I'm a full time father in the shoes of a weekend dad. I didn't do anything wrong but I'm the "visitor" in my son's life. Lying, cheating, stealing hooker of a wife she turned out to be.

I never knew how to be happy. I never tried to find anyone to be with since the few relationships I've had have all left me in worse shape than how I entered them. Especially my marriage which lasted a year. I want to be happy. I want to have friends. I want to not be alone. I want so much but feel so worthless that it's impossible. I've tried to find a therapist for almost a year now but I've given up since all of them - roughly 15 of them - all cancel appointments and reschedule and I've never actually gotten to see anyone.

I don't know what to do, but I feel like I'm out of options. Not even suicide is an option because of my son. I used to tell myself that if I killed myself, whatever day I did it would be the day that I would have found happiness (just my luck). I don't even bother to fool myself with that anymore. I don't need to as since I am a father I need to live. But this is no life. I work and I work. On my days off I have my son. During the week I only have 3 nights to myself for which I smoke weed and fall asleep on the couch in front of the tv. I have no friends and no time to even try to make friends.

I googled I hate myself and I found this site. I don't know what being here will acomplish but I just don't know what to do anymore. Is it possible that on this site is some sad and lonely girl waiting for me as I am waiting for her?

Maybe I'm really just a moron but this is me. Sad. Lonely. Broken. Hopeless.

Budsalinger

 

[Drama]

hi Welcome :d

 

[Punisher]

Hi budsalinger

Maybe I'm really just a moron but this is me. Sad. Lonely. Broken. Hopeless.

You've come to the right place

 

[SullenGirl]

I empathize with your pain. You have to be strong for your son, which I'm sure you're capable of! Be a good example for him. What if your son were your age (which he will be someday!) now, and in the same exact situation as you? What would you tell him? What words of strength and inspiration would you give to him? If you were outside of your situation looking in, what would you say to that person?

You just have to better yourself for your son and his future. Work on yourself! Physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, even spiritually...you have to work on all of these aspects of your life.

I'm sure you don't want your son to grow up and repeat this cycle of self hate, and continuing that legacy. You have to try every day to build up your self esteem. Heck, even if you have to buy some self help books, it's worth it.

Welcome to the site, I wish you the best.

 

[makaveligurl]

I empathize with your pain. You have to be strong for your son, which I'm sure you're capable of! Be a good example for him. What if your son were your age (which he will be someday!) now, and in the same exact situation as you? What would you tell him? What words of strength and inspiration would you give to him? If you were outside of your situation looking in, what would you say to that person?

You just have to better yourself for your son and his future. Work on yourself! Physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, even spiritually...you have to work on all of these aspects of your life.

I'm sure you don't want your son to grow up and repeat this cycle of self hate, and continuing that legacy. You have to try every day to build up your self esteem. Heck, even if you have to buy some self help books, it's worth it.

Welcome to the site, I wish you the best.

I completly understand...I'm new to this site too..hope we both find what were looking for

 

[nerdygirl]

Welcome