*edit* Had no idea when starting this that I would write a giant ass blob of text, but have been feeling really bad lately so needed to vent I guess.
Thought I'd update this thread for anyone that cared. I went to that therapist about 3 times total, but stopped because he was so busy that I could see him like only once a month or longer. Plus he was a counselor at the university, and I ended up failing that semester due to being depressed and ****. I just sort of stopped caring/couldn't deal with school and stopped going to class. As a result, I now have to wait until the fall to finish up my degree. In a way me failing that semester might have been a good thing. It forced me to tell my family that Ive been depressed and isoloated for a long time. Was a difficult Christmas when I was back there heh. My family at least know of my problems now and I dont have to hide it from them anymore.
Ive started seeing a therapist on my health insurance now, so I should be able to see him more regularly than the last one. I'm also going to be starting up a social anxiety therapy group at the start of March. I am hoping that this will be something of great use to me. Because my social anxiety is something I know I really need to deal with. I have a hope, maybe a stupid one, that I might be able to make some friends with people in that group. I usually feel extremely awkward around people and like disconnected from them. Especially super happy people since I dont share much in common with them heh. Am thinking at least the people at this group and I would have some common ground as we have similar issues. I sort of dont want super happy/ perfect friends heh. I feel too different from people like that.
Ugh though. Therapy seems to make me feel like extremely ****** sometimes. The session I had last night made me just feel so bad after I got out of it. Just admitting all my problems out loud was tough, especially since Id been ignoring them for so long. I finally admitted something to the therapist that I havent told anyone ever besides my doctor too. It's embarassing as ****, but its a big part of why I feel depressed and sort of think I might not have any choice but to be alone for the rest of my life. My penis is ****** up basically. It has curved to the left for as long as I remember and its always been a bit painful sometimes just when I have an erection. I saw a doctor a few years ago and he thought it was nothing serious, but he didnt really pay too close attention to it, sort of just dismissed it. When I tried to have sex it hurt so much I had to stop and it was humiliating as hell. After that I havent even really put much effort into getting a girlfriend because I am terrified as hell of another girl seeing my problem. 2 weeks ago it seemed to get worse and now I cannot get an erection at all basically. It starts to hurt really bad when I start to get one, so I have to stop it. The curve seems like it got worse too. I am going to see a urologist about it, but Ive done a lot of research about this and im pretty certain im ****** for life. Basically my only option will be a surgery, which has very low chances of fixing the problem. So I cannot help but think about how I have like no chance of maintaining a relationship if I cannot have intercourse at all. And it just pissed me off and makes me feel like I got dealt such a ****** hand in life. I mean dammit our biological goal in life is to have sex to reproduce. That is why sex feels so pleasurable and people strive for it so much. I cannot even ******* enjoy that, sex causes me ******* pain. Its just sick twisted irony to me. So yea Even when I can see myself getting over my social anxiety, acne, and other problems I just cannot imagine a very happy future for myself because of my penis problem. Some people might say to this that "sex isnt that important" or whatever but god dammit I am 23 and I dont ever get to enjoy it. Instead Im probably going to always feel like **** about this and realistically what girl would want to be with a guy long term that cannot have sex when she could get a guy that can?
So yea, on my walk out/ bus ride home I just felt like such ****, almost started like crying on the bus I felt so bad. Like I was surrounded by people, but just felt so alone type of thing. How I feel most days, see the other people my age all happy, chatting with their friends or significant others and it just seems like a type of life I can never attain. I just feel like hopeless for my life. I dont know if I am going to be able to handle this forever and cannot see myself being all that happy if I am alone forever too. Admitting this problem to my therapist made me feel sort of better at the time since I finally told someone about that issue. Felt like I was lying to him if I didnt tell him since its a big cause of my depression. He understandably couldn't say much to make me feel better about this issue heh, although he tried. Like I was feeling so bad I just wanted anything to take my mind off the pain I was feeling. Wanted to just drink or take something to alter my state of mind it was so bad. I can see how people use drugs and ****. I had such a urge to forget my pain and **** that I almost craved to take a drug even though I never have done anything more than smoking pot years back. I didnt do any drugs or drink, but resorted to my normal means of escaping reality. I played some video games and watched some tv. Thats the only thing that makes me somewhat happy it seems, is when I distract myself from reality.
Sorry for the novel. I'd be surprised really if people read through it all. I guess I am just venting and trying to be honest with myself about what I feel and ****. Dont do that much heh. I'll shut the hell up now.
TLDR edition:
starting therapy more consistently this time
starting social anxiety group
feel hopeless as **** about the future, on top of my other issues I have a broken cock basically. Cannot see a future without me being alone and miserable and dont know how long I can cope with that.
