Have trouble with forming and building relationships...

[Can'tLoseHope]

Hey everybody, this is my first thread. Read through a bunch of others and you people all seem not only nice, caring, and awesome, but also like normal people who get IT so I thought i'd give this a try. First time ever posting something like this on the internet too so please bare with me.

I am a 26 year old who is losing his friends, never had a real relationship and is still a virgin. Yep that's right, a virgin which is by choice, though I am VERY insecure about it. I just do not get being in a relationship with someone who you don't completely dig, or see yourself having a future with, someone eventually will get hurt and I cannot hurt someone like that nor do I want to get hurt myself. I also have a hard time getting close to people which is another reason I guess I don't get being in a relationship with someone I am not completely in to. The last few girls I have fallen hard for and really liked alot (one I even thought I might want to marry this girl-i'll get into that in another post/thread) have all been girls I either saw on a regular basis because of work or we both hung out with the same group of people. So essentially what I am getting at is that unless I am forced to spend time with these girls and they with me, it is nearly impossible for me to get close to someone. Even all my "close friends" that I have now are all people I knew from highschool and gradeschool. I do not know how to start and build a friendship, relationship or any other type of ship (unless it's a model ship, I could probably figure that out) and let it grow. If anyone has any pointers on this, and please be specific if you can, you really do not know how much I would appreciate it. I am in a bad place right now mentally and I can't let that consume me anymore!

 

[EveWasFramed]

Hey there, and welcome to the forum.
There are a lot of cool ad intelligent people here, with much they can impart.
I hope you will find a little something here.

 

[jayme89]

I don't have any advice because I'm in the exact same boat as you and also came here at a low point looking for support. I'm 23 (24 in November), female, never had a real relationship, and a virgin for the same reasons as you. I moved around a lot growing up and now after completing high school and college I have a total of 2-3 people I can call friends (on a good day). If anything, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. Now that I've graduated, I'm back at home with my parents and applying for jobs. I feel trapped in this house all day because I don't have anything to do or anyone to do anything with. I have looked at the meetup website and saw some groups for young people in my area. The only thing I have to do now is get up the nerve to go to one. I still have this fear of not being accepted or people thinking I'm weird. But I do think that attending one of these meetups will be the best first step for me to meet new people. Once I get a job, I plan on getting back into some college courses. Maybe painting, drawing or guitar. Just to get out and be around people. I think the best thing is to assess your situation and see what options you do and don't have that will aide you in changing what you want to change... At least that's what I hear the smart people say lol

Oh and as far as how to start and build friendships... I'm finding that there are a whole new list of rules for my age group, which proves to be another problem for me... My body is aging faster then my mind and I feel like I still have the high school mentality of meeting someone and making them my best friend in a day. I'm finding that it's not good for me to call anyone "friend" as soon as I previously thought. And we're supposed to realize friendships take a lot longer to form and over-sharing information quickly is not good and does not speed up a connection. Over-sharing is actually bad, makes people uncomfortable and pushes them away. This is something I never knew but learned here. I do hope you'll find some things to help you while you're here on this site.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Oh look...two members, one male, one female..... both single, etc. :shy:

 

[xninjaguyx]

Hey welcome! I'm also a mid-twenty virgin, partially by choice. There have been a couple of co-workers that I sort have liked, chose not to make any attachments with since I didn't know how they felt. It was by no means love.
You can really get a vibe when someone likes you, you can see it in their eyes. I've realized the best thing to do if ur looking for a serious relationship is to be yourself and be confident. Of course you've probably heard that before but the less you're looking for someone, the easier it is to find them.
Be considerate, but dont seem like you need the relationship or that you wouldn't be able to find another one if they weren't interested. Every girl is different, but they seem to respond best to someone who wants them but doesn't need them.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Oh snap, Jayme! You have TWO unattached males in this thread now.

 

[jayme89]

Oh snap, Jayme! You have TWO unattached males in this thread now.

You guys are so silly!

 

[EveWasFramed]

Oh snap, Jayme! You have TWO unattached males in this thread now.

You guys are so silly!

That's what makes us so damn cool though.

 

[xninjaguyx]

Oh snap, Jayme! You have TWO unattached males in this thread now.

You guys are so silly!

How you doin? (;

 

[jayme89]

Oh snap, Jayme! You have TWO unattached males in this thread now.

You guys are so silly!

How you doin? (;

HAHA! Is that your usual pickup line?

 

[EveWasFramed]

I thought it was cute. Even if she's not falling for it.

 

[xninjaguyx]

Oh snap, Jayme! You have TWO unattached males in this thread now.

You guys are so silly!

How you doin? (;

HAHA! Is that your usual pickup line?

Haha no not at all.

But I'm looking shiek and feeling frisky!..... (;

 

[EveWasFramed]

ummm....you guys... I think we totally hijacked the new guy's intro thread.

 

[xninjaguyx]

Back on topic, I'd also like some relationship advice. From an honest girl's perspective if possible.
Although that might be something of an oxymoron. jk

 

[Can'tLoseHope]

I don't have any advice because I'm in the exact same boat as you and also came here at a low point looking for support. I'm 23 (24 in November), female, never had a real relationship, and a virgin for the same reasons as you. I moved around a lot growing up and now after completing high school and college I have a total of 2-3 people I can call friends (on a good day). If anything, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. Now that I've graduated, I'm back at home with my parents and applying for jobs. I feel trapped in this house all day because I don't have anything to do or anyone to do anything with. I have looked at the meetup website and saw some groups for young people in my area. The only thing I have to do now is get up the nerve to go to one. I still have this fear of not being accepted or people thinking I'm weird. But I do think that attending one of these meetups will be the best first step for me to meet new people. Once I get a job, I plan on getting back into some college courses. Maybe painting, drawing or guitar. Just to get out and be around people. I think the best thing is to assess your situation and see what options you do and don't have that will aide you in changing what you want to change... At least that's what I hear the smart people say lol

Oh and as far as how to start and build friendships... I'm finding that there are a whole new list of rules for my age group, which proves to be another problem for me... My body is aging faster then my mind and I feel like I still have the high school mentality of meeting someone and making them my best friend in a day. I'm finding that it's not good for me to call anyone "friend" as soon as I previously thought. And we're supposed to realize friendships take a lot longer to form and over-sharing information quickly is not good and does not speed up a connection. Over-sharing is actually bad, makes people uncomfortable and pushes them away. This is something I never knew but learned here. I do hope you'll find some things to help you while you're here on this site.

Hey Jayme- You are awesome! Thank you so much for responding and taking the time to explain some of this stuff to me, I feel like a child sometimes having to learn how to make friends and whatnot but you made a lot of sense and gave me something to think about now when I meet someone. I always would over-share things about me and my life but never knew it before. Definitely gave me something to think about next time I meet someone new!

I would highly encourage you to go to one of those meetups you're talking about. It sounds scary as hell to me too and I feel the same exact way about what the other people would think if I was going. But both of us have to stop acting this way and letting the fear take over. I caught this little blip from the new will smith trailer "danger is very real, but fear is a choice". I was thinking about this the other day and it couldn't be any more of a fact. We can choose to be fearful of something, or we can choose to not be fearful of it, either way we're making a choice. One of the choices makes the danger harder to handle because we're all caught up in the "what if this happens, what if that happens".... whereas the other choice allows us to tackle the danger and defeat it because it shifts our focus on how to handle it rather than WORRY about how to handle it.

I hope I was able to help you with that a little bit. If you make the choice to go to the meetup, please let me know! I'd love to help you with any fears about going or just hear how it went. You're an awesome person Jayme to send me this post out of the goodness of your heart! Thank you so much again!!!!

---

Hey welcome! I'm also a mid-twenty virgin, partially by choice. There have been a couple of co-workers that I sort have liked, chose not to make any attachments with since I didn't know how they felt. It was by no means love.
You can really get a vibe when someone likes you, you can see it in their eyes. I've realized the best thing to do if ur looking for a serious relationship is to be yourself and be confident. Of course you've probably heard that before but the less you're looking for someone, the easier it is to find them.
Be considerate, but dont seem like you need the relationship or that you wouldn't be able to find another one if they weren't interested. Every girl is different, but they seem to respond best to someone who wants them but doesn't need them.

Hey thanks for the reply. Yea I won't ever let myself fall for someone at work again, the most recent girl i fell for at work like 2 years ago is what i think screwed me up so much, everyone including my boss had to have an opinion on the matter and make work that much harder for me, and I was stuck in an apartment at this point so I couldn't just quit. It was a tough few months in my life, thats for sure.

A lot of what you said is stuff I have heard before and I have always said, I know i gotta do this, and i know i gotta do that, but just never did it. Hearing it again though helps i have to say, a lot of times I am just not in the mood to LISTEN to what people are saying to me and actually see how it would affect my life. Luckily now, I am LISTENING! Thanks again for the post, that's very righteous of you to reach out and help someone if you can.

---

Hey hey hey, Eve is right! this is my post!!!!!!


I get to ask Jayme how she's doin first

haha

 

[xninjaguyx]

You'll have to fight me!

Hahaha
Again, welcome!

 

[EveWasFramed]

Fight!

*eats popcorn and watches*

 

[xninjaguyx]

Fight!

*eats popcorn and watches*

Instigator!

*shoves popcorn in face*

 

[jayme89]

Fight!

*eats popcorn and watches*

OMG! Guys fighting over me! Dream come true!

---

Back on topic, I'd also like some relationship advice. From an honest girl's perspective if possible.
Although that might be something of an oxymoron. jk

I am a girl, though haven't had too much luck with the guys but if you ever wanna ask me some questions I'm here.

---

ummm....you guys... I think we totally hijacked the new guy's intro thread.

Yeah guys! Super rude of you to jack his thread :club:

 

[xninjaguyx]

Back on topic, I'd also like some relationship advice. From an honest girl's perspective if possible.
Although that might be something of an oxymoron. jk

I am a girl, though haven't had too much luck with the guys but if you ever wanna ask me some questions I'm here.

---

Perhaps a perspective would be more helpful than answers.
No specific questions really, but if there's anything you look for in a guy, either actively or subconsciencely, I'd be interested to know.