He is dating other women

[hppnssseeker]

I'm 37 and I have been online dating for several months now. I find it to be a long and exhausting process. I've only met 15 guys so far and  have felt chemistry with only one. He has all the qualities I was hoping to find and when he told me he wanted to go out on a second date I was over the moon. I thought that maybe my ****** luck had finally changed. He had to leave for 2 weeks to visit his family and during that time he didn't contact me at all. I found that strange so I texted him to check if we were still on for our date. That's when he told me he had gone out with a woman he met there and now he's confused. As you can imagine I was extremely disappointed. Isn't this just my luck??? Considering how we met I had already assumed he was seeing other women, just like I went out with guys I already had dates lined up with while he was away. The difference is I didn't meet anyone I'd like to see again. I'm not even completely sure if it's true or it's just an excuse he came up with to let me down easy. Anyway I tried to be rational about all this and told him I didn't expect exclusivity at this stage, so I guess I gave him my blessing about dating both of us for a while. The truth is I've never been in this kind of situation and I don't know if I can be as casual about this as I let on. I'm not even sure why I'm here telling you guys this. I guess I just needed to vent and maybe ask for your opinion on this whole mess. I'm feeling so down about everything!

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

He's confused = he'll hold onto you, just in case. If that's something you aren't ok with, drop him.

 

[hppnssseeker]

He's confused = he'll hold onto you, just in case. If that's something you aren't ok with, drop him.

From a rational point of view it makes sense. He doesn't know me or her well, it's too early for him to choose. I guess I'm just so fed up with being so unlucky in love and how it feels i've been jumping through hoops for months just to have a chance at a relationship that is probably not even gonna work anyway. I'm tired and ready to give up on love.

 

[Hoarse Whisperer]

Amy is absolutely correct with her statement. Maybe I'm a bit of a pessimist, but I've given up on searching for "the one", instead focusing on enjoying and bettering my own life and taking what comes along. If somebody is worth going after along the way, I go that route, but I'm not living my life as though there is somebody missing from it that I have to find.

It's just my opinion, but getting yourself past the belief that you're not okay until you've found somebody, and focusing on other aspects of yourself will lead to a happier you. And, also my opinion, but I believe that a happier you is a more attractive you. Once you let go of the reins and just relax, you take a lot of the pressure off of yourself (and thus your future love interests).

I try to have an almost blase' attitude about it; if I'm interested in you, I try to get you out to do something fun. If it doesn't go well, then that's okay, too.

 

[ditakelly]

Internet dating is a waste of time, most of the guys just looking for hook ups, really flaky, many will actually be married. Like others, I have given up, age 35 now, if I ain't met the one by now, its ain't gonna happen. Why put yourself through the hell of it all? But I do understand that the single life is not so great, please don't think I'm criticising you. Good luck.

 

[Northern Lights]

Continue to go on dates with other men...don't bother waiting for him. I've had ones where I never heard back from them or I heard back from them after their first choice didn't work out (I lost interest at that point). I hope you find the one where you both click instantly and get yourselves out of the online dating pool. Good luck!

 

[hppnssseeker]

Thank you for all your replies!

 

[EmilyFoxSeaton]

Thank you for all your replies!

This reminds me of a scene in "he's just not that into you" where a character is on a date with a guy and he tells her he has to leave for travel and he won't be able to contact her. She calls her BFF to get feed back on it and he goes 

RUN.

She is like but what if he is really traveling?

He is like to where the moon? If he wanted to contact you, he would. 

Run...

That is my advice to you on this one. Basically internet dating is not a good thing.

 

[Osiris]

Ugh why don't you think you deserve better? I mean honestly, I know you said he was the only one who had "Everything" but he doesn't sound like he's that bothered. Look for someone who'll treat you right from the beginning. When he didn't contact you in those two weeks you should have left it. There's nothing wrong with being picky but you're being picky about the wrong things.

 

[Meaw]

It can be tough to find someone that quickly, true. The whole "confused" thing is confusing me, however. I'm one of those boring, old-fashioned people that think a relationship is something for two people, without any other flirts etc. Seeing several at the beginning is a "Time to start deciding" while seeing several a lil time after the beginning is "You should have decided a while ago, so now I do it for you. Bye."
Also, the travelling/contacting point by EmilyFoxSeaton is worth thinking about a bit.
And good luck ^_^

 

[Drew]

Twice in my life I dated 2 girls at once. Neither time was much fun. I honestly do not see an issue with doing it though, as you are still testing the waters to see if you are compatible.

As for him not contacting you over the two weeks... I'm torn on that. Granted you only had one date, but had planned a second one. I feel he should have contacted you at least a week into it, but that may be my own unrealistic expectations... I've always been the one to show more attention in a relationship. (Flowers on the first date, text messages saying good morning or good night, etc.)

His confusion is also because he doesn't want to hurt either of you and he's unwilling to make a decision. Or he's made a decision, but hoping it will resolve on it's own (ie one of you will drop out on your own and spare him from being the "bad guy".)

 

[Softguy]

I'm 37 and I have been online dating for several months now. I find it to be a long and exhausting process. I've only met 15 guys so far and  have felt chemistry with only one. He has all the qualities I was hoping to find and when he told me he wanted to go out on a second date I was over the moon. I thought that maybe my ****** luck had finally changed. He had to leave for 2 weeks to visit his family and during that time he didn't contact me at all. I found that strange so I texted him to check if we were still on for our date. That's when he told me he had gone out with a woman he met there and now he's confused. As you can imagine I was extremely disappointed. Isn't this just my luck??? Considering how we met I had already assumed he was seeing other women, just like I went out with guys I already had dates lined up with while he was away. The difference is I didn't meet anyone I'd like to see again. I'm not even completely sure if it's true or it's just an excuse he came up with to let me down easy. Anyway I tried to be rational about all this and told him I didn't expect exclusivity at this stage, so I guess I gave him my blessing about dating both of us for a while. The truth is I've never been in this kind of situation and I don't know if I can be as casual about this as I let on. I'm not even sure why I'm here telling you guys this. I guess I just needed to vent and maybe ask for your opinion on this whole mess. I'm feeling so down about everything!

I think online, or dating in general, can be a game of emotional chess for sure. You talk to someone while lining a date up with another in the hope of making the right desicion and not letting the him/her slip through your fingers. I had about 20 dates in total over a 3 year period or so, and have met some lovely ladies, but only 2 or 3 with that all-important chemestry.

It sounds like if he's already started to distance himself, then you may feel better keeping him at arm's length in your correspondence with him. He's loosing out and on the wonderful you and everything you have to offer. Keep your chin up and don't give up on love

 

[TheLoadedDog]

I'm not commenting on anybody else's choices here, as you do what is right for YOU. I find online dating a bit sleazy and creepy. Sure, there are good people there, but it's hard to spot them, when it is such a meat market.

I don't like the idea of meeting people with the intention of sizing them up for relationships. This includes real life dating too. Never been on one (but I've had a few relationships), and I'd find it incredibly awkies. Even if I chat a bit first, and we get on well, there is still a bit of a "hmm" hanging over my head.

Now, I've met three women online.

"Hang on a minute, old boy," you say. "Isn't that a bit hypocritical, and that you have had three and are now single, possibly not the best advertisement for meeting online. Or indeed for you?"

No. Yes, but. And yes.

See, I never met ANY of them on online dating sites. All the men were creeps, and all the women were "don't be a creep!" I do not blame the women, but it came across as a bit accusing, when I'd never met them. Also, every last one of them liked romantic walks along the beach at night (I used to live by Bondi Beach, and at night, IT WAS DESERTED apart from a few underclass teenagers sniffing glue. So where are all these star-crossed lovers wandering arm in arm along the water's edge? They also like candlelit dinners, they are always "I'm a beautiful single mum with a lovely three year-old". And the guys are all "I respect women, honest! I just want somebody whose hand I can hold and go to the movies with."

Hmm.

So how I met people was to go online. Not dating sites. Just go online. Forums, Facebook, whatever. Just meet people. Meet people of the gender you are not interested in. Meet 80 year-olds. Meet people of the gender you want, who seem eligible. But just talk to them all. Talk politics, talk about Bugs Bunny, old British comedies with laugh tracks, cars, clothes, astronomy, whatever. You will be surprised.

Also, and I'm no love god, but some advice. When you do find somebody great, that first online chat when you find it's been three hours and you've been having so much fun, you don't realise it's 1am, then YOU cut it short. Say you need to go. Even if you don't want to. Especially if you don't want to. Leave them wanting more. And jolly well check in the next day with, "thanks for that last night. It was great." Usually worked for me.