Hi everyone,
I'm new to the site, and from what I can see so far, what a great site it is.
I'm a 38 year old woman from Dublin, although I live in London most of the time now. I came to the realisation only recently that so many of the things I've done in life have been because of loneliness, but I haven't been aware of that.
I was born to very overprotective parents, and I have one sibling, a really nasty person who hasn't spoken to me since 2005. I have six first cousins, three of whom want nothing to do with me because of a family dispute in another quarter; the other three are a lot younger and live completely their own lives.
I've never had a proper partner, and lost my virginity at age 36 to an acquaintance whom I had to blatantly ask. I have always found it difficult to make friends and started going to counselling after being constantly excluded from everything in university. The handful of "friends" I did make would always answer "no" when I asked them to do things. For years now I eat out, holiday and go to concerts alone.
I can't even do that much now; I worked for myself for many years but my business folded in the recession and I've been on benefits for almost three years. I am terrified of the future. No one cares whether I live or die - genuinely.
I think people with poor family structures from the beginning will always find things much harder than others, no matter how much you take the initiative in your own life. I hate my relatives for hating me, an innocent and kind person. I've given serious consideration recently to changing my name by deed poll, to finally draw a mental line under situations and structures that at this stage cannot change, and forge out a completely new identity.
It's weird because I care about things so much less now, on a practical, realistic level (as opposed to a depressed one), and I have learned not to bother extending myself to others. It is somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone in this - but none of us deserve this in the first instance.
Much love
NN
I'm new to the site, and from what I can see so far, what a great site it is.
I'm a 38 year old woman from Dublin, although I live in London most of the time now. I came to the realisation only recently that so many of the things I've done in life have been because of loneliness, but I haven't been aware of that.
I was born to very overprotective parents, and I have one sibling, a really nasty person who hasn't spoken to me since 2005. I have six first cousins, three of whom want nothing to do with me because of a family dispute in another quarter; the other three are a lot younger and live completely their own lives.
I've never had a proper partner, and lost my virginity at age 36 to an acquaintance whom I had to blatantly ask. I have always found it difficult to make friends and started going to counselling after being constantly excluded from everything in university. The handful of "friends" I did make would always answer "no" when I asked them to do things. For years now I eat out, holiday and go to concerts alone.
I can't even do that much now; I worked for myself for many years but my business folded in the recession and I've been on benefits for almost three years. I am terrified of the future. No one cares whether I live or die - genuinely.
I think people with poor family structures from the beginning will always find things much harder than others, no matter how much you take the initiative in your own life. I hate my relatives for hating me, an innocent and kind person. I've given serious consideration recently to changing my name by deed poll, to finally draw a mental line under situations and structures that at this stage cannot change, and forge out a completely new identity.
It's weird because I care about things so much less now, on a practical, realistic level (as opposed to a depressed one), and I have learned not to bother extending myself to others. It is somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone in this - but none of us deserve this in the first instance.
Much love
NN
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
