Where do I start?
I feel a tad silly for doing this and posting it online but I have no one I can talk to and there is so much going round in my head, I'm trying hard to focus on myself but need to let this out.
I've always know I was gay deep down but I tried everything In my power to change it. I guess I felt that way about it because of the way I would hear people talk about gay people as if it were something bad plus the only gay guys I would see around were highly camp and feminine which is nothing like myself and I thought I just didnt fit into that world.... I couldn't of been more wrong.
It's been years of eating me up inside and denying myself self pleasure because I thought it was wrong. I dated girls for really long relationships but It never felt right I think I did a good job of covering it up but I was hoping 1 day it would all change and suddenly I would feel something for them. I tried everything I turned to the Bible, read endless amount of ways online.
This year I finally had enough of the way my life was going and I finally excepted myself and man up abit. The first thing I did was join a online gay dating site. Within the first hour I deleted my account as I had hundreds of 70 + men messaging me asking if I wanted to hook up which just freaked me out! and I thought I cant be gay I don't want to end up like that! I did re-sign and stopped being silly and didn't reply to those messages just wrote to people round my age and people I liked. Long story short - I met this guy who I have been seeing... I'm not sure whats happening with that right now and thats why I'm writing here.
So I saw this guys picture and I have no idea what it was but I was drawn to him and I said in my head "that guy there is mine" well he didn't make it easy on me lol I wrote to him alot and he took forever to reply to me but I just couldn't give up there was something about him and my gut told me to stick trying to get him out on a date. He's about 5 years older than me (I'm 22) and he has a succesful career unlike me who was just a laboror at the time.
So after a few weeks of messaging back and forth we finally met up on our first date. It ended up going so well and we got on so great ended up out later than we thought. He was even better looking in person than on pictures. The way home that day I was jumping with joy and when I woke up the next day I got a message of him saying He enjoyed it and lets meet up again. So we met up again and again and the second meet it was my first interaction with him and It was great It felt natural to me. We'd been going great for a few months meeting when we could have great times and texting 1 another every hour. I had really fallen for him already which I didnt have any expectations of what it would be.
He even said to me at first he wasn't sure what he wanted but now he likes me alot and looks forward to seeing where this could go but he's got a big move happening and changing jobs to another place. So all was cool and then I screwed it up! help me guys with this If u can.
So it started going bad I lost my job and I started to get really down and miserable. I guess all my texts started to become negative as I was moaning about not having a job all the time. I was feeling really down and low and just wanted to go to him because I knew it would cheer me up seeing him but he just was not avaible. I don't have many friends and I live in a rough area I'm really lonely. So from when I was online all those months ago I was spoke to this older gay guy online who lived in the city. I wrote to him saying I was feeling down and could I stay with him for a few days so sort myself out. He's a 40 year old guy and was looking for just a friend. I was lonely and just didnt know where to go or what to do.
So I went to stay with this guy for a few days, He ended up filling my head with so much rubbish that it scared me. He was telling me that I would get used by this guy just for sex and things of that nature. It scared me alot and I thought maybe I was being taken for a ride and being niiave.
I text the guy I was seeing these really long texts asking him what this is to him.... At first he was really nice about it and said he understood and would say he likes me and is keen to see where this could go but right now hes really busy with his move/job etc.
For some reason I just kept pushing and sending these stupid messages I was feeling down and I just wanted him to come to me which I know he was busy and I was being stupid. So I kept sending these stupid messages and he wrote me back this nice message when I realised how much he liked me and how I'd ruined it.
Since then he does not text me hardly ever. I text him alot still which he hardly replies so I end up leaving it and then he will text me. So I guess he likes me still a little. I asked him again if he likes me and he wrote:
" I think your a lovely guy but I don't know I'm sorry.. We get on well"
Since then I've been trying so hard ive said im sorry 10000x and he said he knows that. I just can't believe I might of lost him
I explained what happened to him but he still does not seem to care. I don't really know what else todo. He's messed me around all week we arranged to meet and he cancelled on me everytime and made other plans. We were meant to meet friday but he was going away and he so he just text me I'm free thursday night. So I went up because I really wanted to see him and try and sort things.
The night went ok and no mention of anything bad. We get on well again but it was a short time. He wasnt as nice as he normally was but still got close to me alittle. Then when we left I text messages saying when u next free and shall we go away glad things are ok now blah blah blah. Silly me I just like to him to much and was trying to win him back round. He just wrote back "Chill mr lol Ill check my rota" and ive not heard of him since the afternoon yesterday. He dosen't text me that much still. We used to text 1 another night every night but he never texts me that anymore and he dosent write texts anymore with words like "handsome or sexy".
I don't know what todo with this anymore. Im trying to focus on my own life and moving forward but this is driving me insane and I feel so low about it. I do try forgetting about him but I know in my gut that he's special but I'm really getting sick of trying... I've text so many nice things and tried to arrange taking him out for meals, cinema etc and he just isnt giving me anything back. I think for 1 minute he's not interested anymore and I have to leave it and then he texts me out the blue asking how I am and telling me what he's doing. I can't work it out but I'm feeling down about and to be honest I just can't take not knowing and being messed about anymore.
I'm hurting alot not just with this but so much and I just want to give up on life and I have these thoughts. I just can't think what todo with him I want him to know how sorry I was and that I'd never do it again and ill do what it takes to make it up to him. I sound too desperate but im straight up.... What do u guys think? do u think he likes me? do I give up? what can I do to win him back round? help please lol.
I feel a tad silly for doing this and posting it online but I have no one I can talk to and there is so much going round in my head, I'm trying hard to focus on myself but need to let this out.
I've always know I was gay deep down but I tried everything In my power to change it. I guess I felt that way about it because of the way I would hear people talk about gay people as if it were something bad plus the only gay guys I would see around were highly camp and feminine which is nothing like myself and I thought I just didnt fit into that world.... I couldn't of been more wrong.
It's been years of eating me up inside and denying myself self pleasure because I thought it was wrong. I dated girls for really long relationships but It never felt right I think I did a good job of covering it up but I was hoping 1 day it would all change and suddenly I would feel something for them. I tried everything I turned to the Bible, read endless amount of ways online.
This year I finally had enough of the way my life was going and I finally excepted myself and man up abit. The first thing I did was join a online gay dating site. Within the first hour I deleted my account as I had hundreds of 70 + men messaging me asking if I wanted to hook up which just freaked me out! and I thought I cant be gay I don't want to end up like that! I did re-sign and stopped being silly and didn't reply to those messages just wrote to people round my age and people I liked. Long story short - I met this guy who I have been seeing... I'm not sure whats happening with that right now and thats why I'm writing here.
So I saw this guys picture and I have no idea what it was but I was drawn to him and I said in my head "that guy there is mine" well he didn't make it easy on me lol I wrote to him alot and he took forever to reply to me but I just couldn't give up there was something about him and my gut told me to stick trying to get him out on a date. He's about 5 years older than me (I'm 22) and he has a succesful career unlike me who was just a laboror at the time.
So after a few weeks of messaging back and forth we finally met up on our first date. It ended up going so well and we got on so great ended up out later than we thought. He was even better looking in person than on pictures. The way home that day I was jumping with joy and when I woke up the next day I got a message of him saying He enjoyed it and lets meet up again. So we met up again and again and the second meet it was my first interaction with him and It was great It felt natural to me. We'd been going great for a few months meeting when we could have great times and texting 1 another every hour. I had really fallen for him already which I didnt have any expectations of what it would be.
He even said to me at first he wasn't sure what he wanted but now he likes me alot and looks forward to seeing where this could go but he's got a big move happening and changing jobs to another place. So all was cool and then I screwed it up! help me guys with this If u can.
So it started going bad I lost my job and I started to get really down and miserable. I guess all my texts started to become negative as I was moaning about not having a job all the time. I was feeling really down and low and just wanted to go to him because I knew it would cheer me up seeing him but he just was not avaible. I don't have many friends and I live in a rough area I'm really lonely. So from when I was online all those months ago I was spoke to this older gay guy online who lived in the city. I wrote to him saying I was feeling down and could I stay with him for a few days so sort myself out. He's a 40 year old guy and was looking for just a friend. I was lonely and just didnt know where to go or what to do.
So I went to stay with this guy for a few days, He ended up filling my head with so much rubbish that it scared me. He was telling me that I would get used by this guy just for sex and things of that nature. It scared me alot and I thought maybe I was being taken for a ride and being niiave.
I text the guy I was seeing these really long texts asking him what this is to him.... At first he was really nice about it and said he understood and would say he likes me and is keen to see where this could go but right now hes really busy with his move/job etc.
For some reason I just kept pushing and sending these stupid messages I was feeling down and I just wanted him to come to me which I know he was busy and I was being stupid. So I kept sending these stupid messages and he wrote me back this nice message when I realised how much he liked me and how I'd ruined it.
Since then he does not text me hardly ever. I text him alot still which he hardly replies so I end up leaving it and then he will text me. So I guess he likes me still a little. I asked him again if he likes me and he wrote:
" I think your a lovely guy but I don't know I'm sorry.. We get on well"
Since then I've been trying so hard ive said im sorry 10000x and he said he knows that. I just can't believe I might of lost him
I explained what happened to him but he still does not seem to care. I don't really know what else todo. He's messed me around all week we arranged to meet and he cancelled on me everytime and made other plans. We were meant to meet friday but he was going away and he so he just text me I'm free thursday night. So I went up because I really wanted to see him and try and sort things.The night went ok and no mention of anything bad. We get on well again but it was a short time. He wasnt as nice as he normally was but still got close to me alittle. Then when we left I text messages saying when u next free and shall we go away glad things are ok now blah blah blah. Silly me I just like to him to much and was trying to win him back round. He just wrote back "Chill mr lol Ill check my rota" and ive not heard of him since the afternoon yesterday. He dosen't text me that much still. We used to text 1 another night every night but he never texts me that anymore and he dosent write texts anymore with words like "handsome or sexy".
I don't know what todo with this anymore. Im trying to focus on my own life and moving forward but this is driving me insane and I feel so low about it. I do try forgetting about him but I know in my gut that he's special but I'm really getting sick of trying... I've text so many nice things and tried to arrange taking him out for meals, cinema etc and he just isnt giving me anything back. I think for 1 minute he's not interested anymore and I have to leave it and then he texts me out the blue asking how I am and telling me what he's doing. I can't work it out but I'm feeling down about and to be honest I just can't take not knowing and being messed about anymore.
I'm hurting alot not just with this but so much and I just want to give up on life and I have these thoughts. I just can't think what todo with him I want him to know how sorry I was and that I'd never do it again and ill do what it takes to make it up to him. I sound too desperate but im straight up.... What do u guys think? do u think he likes me? do I give up? what can I do to win him back round? help please lol.
