Hesitation

[TheSolitaryMan]

So, once again I'm in a situation where a girl appears to like me. It's a girl I've mentioned before, but things have changed a bit since my last thread on her.

This time it seems quite blatant! She's sort of asked me to spend more time with her. And I have, to an extent.

I just can't bring myself to flirt with her, or ask her out, though.

I definitely find her attractive physically. She's also kind, fun to talk to, thoughtful and smart.

But...there are aspects to her that make me think I wouldn't be the right guy for her. For example, she smokes a lot and I can't really stand smoking!

She also seems quite "wild", or at least like she was quite feisty in the past. I don't mean sexually or anything, I just mean that she's quite a bit more liberal in nature than me. I think she has tried soft drugs and might even still use them on occasion - something I'd never do and I dislike the idea of.

I get the impression that easy-going nature could be an attractive trait (she could really bring me out of my social shell and make me feel more confident), but at the same time we could have arguments over that kind of stuff :shy:

---

So I think to myself "Just be cool about it. She's a nice girl, you can be good friends."

Then I'll see her and just start thinking to myself "God, she's just so pretty. Why am I holding myself back here?"

Also, the concept of not going out with her makes me feel a bit melancholy, like I've "lost" or missed out.

Urgh, what do you think I should do? Are these doubts normal in this sort of situation?

 

[SophiaGrace]

can you define "soft drugs" ? I'm not sure what you mean by this.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

can you define "soft drugs" ? I'm not sure what you mean by this.

Hmm, perhaps it's a UK term?

Cannabis was what I meant. As far as I know, that's the limit of what she's done...but that stuff just doesn't really sit well with me in concept. I'm a bit stuffy like that :shy:

 

[SophiaGrace]

can you define "soft drugs" ? I'm not sure what you mean by this.

Hmm, perhaps it's a UK term?

Cannabis was what I meant. As far as I know, that's the limit of what she's done...but that stuff just doesn't really sit well with me in concept. I'm a bit stuffy like that :shy:

I've actually read that it can be quite beneficial to those who suffer from anxiety/ptsd. HOwever it can turn you into a lazy sot that just sits on their arse all day because of its calming properties.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I've actually read that it can be quite beneficial to those who suffer from anxiety/ptsd. HOwever it can turn you into a lazy sot that just sits on their arse all day because of its calming properties.

Oh, I've definitely got nothing against the whole use of it medicinally. For treatment of genuine ailments it's a drug like any other, with side effects and benefits.

But yeah, the whole "stoner culture" thing that comes with casual use certainly doesn't appeal to me...or in the choice of a partner!

It's also got dubious (under research) links to triggering schizophrenia in vulnerable people who smoke a lot of it, especially the more concentrated forms. The data so far definitely appears to show some correlation there.

I don't know, I guess it's the idea of "my future girl" sitting around, spaced out of her mind and stinking of smoke...a little off-putting to me! :shy:

 

[Hoffy]

I would say if these things she does are something you don't like then don't be with her because they will just eat at you.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I would say if these things she does are something you don't like then don't be with her because they will just eat at you.

This was a good response.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I would say if these things she does are something you don't like then don't be with her because they will just eat at you.

This seems true.

Yet on the other hand, I feel like perhaps she would give those things up for me. Or at least perhaps curb them back a bit.

She used to curse quite regularly, for example. But since I've been talking to her more, she's adopted much milder manners without me even saying anything.

I don't swear much myself...and I think that perhaps seems to have made her more aware of that sort of thing already. She looked really surprised when I swore after a bad day last week!

---

I just think that she has a lot of positives in contrast to these things, and I worry I'm not really being fair to ignore her romantically just because of her past in particular.

She has done little kind things that have pleasantly surprised me, such as noticing when I forgot to sign something once and going out of her way to give me the documents I needed. She also has a deep compassion for animals, which is endearing, definitely.

 

[Hoffy]

Hmm, then maybe you could date. I smoke but if I know someone doesn't like it I won't or atleast I will walk off on my own to do it. If the smoking the other bothers you, I would express your feelings about it and she will probably understand and make sure she doesn't when she will be interacting with you.

 

[passage]

haha sorry mate, but this girl really reminds me of the first girl I ever dated. But if you go for it, it'll be a learning experience! I repeat, it'll be a learning experience

 

[VanillaCreme]

I agree with Hoffy. If she's doing things, even in the smallest sense, that you don't like or agree with, don't leap before you really get a chance to look. I personally don't agree with drug use. It's not fun to me in the least. I'd never do it myself. I don't even really like drinking all that much. Drunk stories are not funny to me, and I usually find them to be completely senseless. So I have someone who does neither of them. I don't think I would have liked him as much as I did if he did drink or do drugs or smoke.

 

[Peter Lorre]

haha sorry mate, but this girl really reminds me of the first girl I ever dated. But if you go for it, it'll be a learning experience! I repeat, it'll be a learning experience

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I think perhaps a learning experience might be what I need, to be honest. I mean, when I don't follow up on these opportunities I seem to end up regretting it.

Anyway, if she was definitely a drug-lover, was uncouth and sort of obnoxious I wouldn't be interested in her!

Unfortunately, it's really hard to convey what she's like here without making a sort of inaccurate typecast.

---

The other day, for example, she invited me to join her in going to a really interesting scientific lecture on the chemical composition of space and nebulae!

We've also had some interesting discussions on politics, social affairs, whether charity work is as beneficial as it should be...pretty cool (to me anyway) stuff like that. She has both some similar and opposing viewpoints, but her conversation is quite tolerant and open minded.

So it's not like she seems to be a shallow or "druggie" girl, despite her smoking habits. And the only photo with her wielding a suspicious cigarette was from 3 years ago.

I don't think I've ever met someone with such an intriguing mix of traits before, so I suppose that's why I'm so confused.

It's just extremely difficult to explain what she's like, without emphasising the negative too much. I wonder if I'm being picky?

 

[SophiaGrace]

haha sorry mate, but this girl really reminds me of the first girl I ever dated. But if you go for it, it'll be a learning experience! I repeat, it'll be a learning experience

uh, i hope you don't mean that in a "learn from the girl and then dump her sort of way" like a starter marriage.

I think everything that doesn't work out is a learning experience. I try to take away good things from every relationship I've been dumped out of or rejected.

 

[Pezza]

She sounds great

Most people who smoke have tried cannabis, it's not a big deal, even more so if you're basing it from one 3 year old picture.

I can understand how smoking is a turn off, but can you not overlook that imperfection? If not then that's a shame because it sounds like you would be missing out on a nice woman who's clearly into you.

She's already made an effort to swear around you less, I'm sure she would make a similar effort on the smoking front.

The pros you have mentioned outweigh the cons easily.

If you don't give this girl a chance you will regret it.

That's my opinion at least

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

She sounds great

Most people who smoke have tried cannabis, it's not a big deal, even more so if you're basing it from one 3 year old picture.

I can understand how smoking is a turn off, but can you not overlook that imperfection? If not then that's a shame because it sounds like you would be missing out on a nice woman who's clearly into you.

She's already made an effort to swear around you less, I'm sure she would make a similar effort on the smoking front.

The pros you have mentioned outweigh the cons easily.

If you don't give this girl a chance you will regret it.

That's my opinion at least

Thanks Pezza. I think I do need to at least do something!

The more I think about it, she may not be perfect for me "in the end". But being 20 and with no romantic experience at all, aside from all my thinking about it I don't even know what I want with a girl at the moment

Part of the reason I'm not asking her out is also because I'm not certain I really deserve her attention :shy:

I mean, my Mum and Dad need to use "my" car right now all the time so I'm far from independant. I literally never go on evenings out or do anything exciting with my life...I'm pretty sure I'd be the dullest BF ever!

Yet tomorrow she'll probably sort of semi-cuddle up again and I'll get that gnawing feeling that I'm brushing her off.

Ah, what can I do? Ask her to a film and have my parents pick us up afterwards? Lol...

Sorry for the ramble. Uhhh, I'm so clueless when it comes to "going with the flow". I literally can't do it!

Any other guy would be really happy with these sorts of girls snuggling up to him, like it was a great opportunity. It feels like it's some sort of curse when it's me.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Maybe living at home with your parentz is messing
With your manhood..

Im just asking.....
So that gou can answer it for yourself whats blockung you.

Do you fear you might get rejected by women becausee
Ykure still liing at home....dont have your own cars,
Privacy...etc...etc.

So youll either reject women first or hastitate.

 

[RJLJD]

If it makes you feel any better, I would definitely be conflicted too. There's no formula that says when something is going to far in terms of your own moral standing and what you find is acceptable or not acceptable.

I would encourage you to give it a try, but if something doesn't sit right with you, and you make it known to her, and nothing's changing then YOU need to be strong enough to say "this isn't what I want", and to cease. There's a difference between being with someone because they really are the right fit and being with them because you like the idea of being with someone and they are convenient, that's when "going with the flow" goes wrong I think, and it would be easy for guys like us to get complacent like that.

I do think she really likes you though. If you feel similar, then why not give it a try?

There's only so much you can do about a lack of transportation. Pick a day where your family doesn't need the car? Tell them that if at all possible you'd like to use it one night sometime soon and that it would be very important to you that you have the chance. I'm sure if you told them why then they would understand. Or, just be open and honest with her about it. Let her know that your family needs the car, and you are "letting them use it". Say it that was as opposed to it being "taken away from you". Its truthful either way, but it sounds more dignified the way I said it. Any combination of the above is at least some sort of solution.

I'm becoming more and more conscious of the fact living with my family is a pretty big social barrier, at least in my own mind, too.

My thought would be to never question it, at least initially, when a pretty girl is giving you attention.

And hell yeah you deserve it anyway, you're a really good dude.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im asking becuase i went through similar situation.
After a relationship break up, i usually move home
To my patents to regroup. Being older I kind fear
That when i started dating again.

The thing of it is...i seldom lived alone.
I dreaded coming home to an empty house.
So i move home home for comfort of my mothets
Cooking.lol

The thing thats ease that fear or hesitations
was that i made enough income to support
a family and drovr a nice car...

Moving back hpme to my parents, ill basically
start living like an irresponsible teensger again.
Mu mother puts up with it becuase im her son
And she know my heart is broken.

At the sametime it also puts me into a better
Position being single. I had money to burned.

---

I had no fiancial bagges from privious relationships.

The job, car, money and an attitude all plays
in my favor.
Even my Ex plays in my favor....
Some if the wonen i dated knew ny ex or
Seen me arkund town with her.
She pretty of course...

---

Of course when you find miss right...
You best have your own castle to take
To....

So in your quest of miss right...
Do you feel you fall way short of being
Mr right?

So you hesitate and dance in the friendzone
Because you dont live up to that perfect guy
That a perfect girl would also look for either?

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Thanks LC, you made some really good points there

Yeah, you're kind of right. I never feel like I'd be a good BF for these girls, so I don't ask them out.

I could offer a lot of passion, caring...the basic things. But unfortunately without the icing on the cake (mobility, time, money) I just fear having a bare bones relationship and being a lousy partner for the sake of it.

I wouldn't feel right if I took on the responsibility of a relationship and then couldn't at least make it work to a good standard.

---

Anyway, the girl talked to me again today. I needed help with an admin problem and she was kind enough to offer some assistance again.

She seems really considerate and nice. It sounds stupid, but when she sort of sits up a bit close and looks at me for a while, it's like I can see in her eyes that she's comfortable near me. Or at least that she wants to please me.

It's a really unusual thing to describe, it probably sounds like a load of rubbish. But that hunch gives me the feeling that she's trustworthy and nice.