How can I get over my ex, when I still can't find someone else?

[el Jay]

I've gone over it in other threads, but the short version:

My ex, which was mostly a long distance relationship, was very (unintentionally) emotionally abusive to me. She got less happy and more depressed as our relationship went on, at a rate that kept up with my feelings for her (that'd make a nice graph, for sure). She never initiated any sort of contact except online conversations, never showed much intimacy or affection and didn't like them much, and basically never met many, if any of my needs, be they sexual or otherwise. When she finally decided she would go to therapy and try to get better, she dumped me, pissing away years of time and energy I spent on her. Left me feeling like there's no way any girl would ever want a relationship with me, because I may as well have been just a glorified friend for all the "relationship" stuff I got from her.

That was almost two years ago, and despite how terrible it was and I acknowledge, and how (relatively) happy I've been since, I just can't get over her. I keep thinking back to her, to the things we never did but always talked about, to the "good" times, curiously absent of all of the bad, all of the fights, all of the emotional and romantic starvation on my part. No doubt my mind doing that whole "remember the good and forget the bad" thing we tend to do to make letting go that much harder.

But the thing is, I've looked for another girlfriend since, with absolutely no luck, whether in real life, at college after returning to finish my degree, or on dating sites. Almost everyone I actually know, whether in real life or online, has a boyfriend already. The few prospects I've had never panned out at all. So it's like life isn't letting me get over my ex. Without someone else, I just can't help but keep going back to her and hating that I couldn't be with her more, despite how terrible it was and that she dumped me.

I don't even know what I expect with this. Sympathy, advice, whatever. I just needed to get this out, because the irony of missing what I recognize as worse than being single has been hitting me pretty hard the past few days.

 

[Rosebolt]

I know how you feel, and it's good of you to have said this. Wether you are looking for advice or not, i'm afraid i'm going to give it to you.

So it's like life isn't letting me get over my ex

This is part of the "problem" i think. Your focus lays on your ex, and not on your life. If i would, for example, constantly focus on how much i hate the state and how it ruins everything and blabla, then i will become very depressed, because all i am thinking is hate. However, if i move my focus to my family and friends i have, making the most out of it, not forgetting about the state, but not focussing on it, keeping it at a distance, then my mood will be considerably better.

I hope you catch my drift. I do feel i'm being too harsh in the sense that you have made your fair share of attempts to get back to happiness again, it's good that you are motivated and do your best. I'm afraid that's also where it goes wrong. In your mind, it seems like the only way to be happy is to have a girlfriend. That again shows that your focus is completely on that part of life. If your focus is completely on one thing, you tend to forget, and not even see the good parts in the other things.

So to speak, you only focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, but fail to notice there are actually alot of little lights in the tunnel itself as well.

I'd say, take a day to gather your thoughts, maybe write down alot of them. Try to spot other things in life which you could find enjoyable, chances are you aren't very interested in those activities or contacts now, but i'm afraid a kind of pushing yourself is in order to make you feel better. I've been there too, i'm afraid, it's hard, but you can do it, i know you can. If you put all your energy you have spend in finding a girlfriend, in trying to appreciate your life as it is, and improving on that, you will feel better in about 5 - 10 minutes.

Good luck, and feel free to message me if you need any help, i'm there for you!

 

[kamya]

I kind of know those feels. I don't really have much advice though. Just keep trying until you find something that works.

 

[Okiedokes]

Make a list of all the negative things she did or said to you. Sometimes it's a matter of having to really "see" the bad things to get over someone. There are good times, even with the wrong person. Nothing that you'd want to go back to though from the sounds of it. I realize and fully understand how you can care for someone even if they treat you unkindly. You must not let the good times oversee the bad if the bad was considered abusive.

 

[Lefty Lonely]

Ive been over mine for quite a long time now but I will be going on seven year still with no one new. So if it 's any comfort, know there's always someone else who has it similar or worse. Since there's not much I can do, I was able to abandon any mind set that would be similar to being desperate and I just do whatever I can to keep on flying through life solo. Aside from loneliness and boredom,I'm still okay.

 

[NoRain]

One of the things that usually work for me is to get super busy, as in I literally have no time to think about anything. When I finally have some time, Im too tired and just want to relax and think about absolutely nothing. Its a lot easier to focus on someone or something from your past when you have a lot of time in your hands, so keeping busy is a good thing. Another one is to entertain myself to an extreme. Like, find a new game or book or tv series(preferably with MANY seasons) that I like SO MUCH that I basically become obsessed and only play that game/read that book/whatever for nearly 48h or until its over, or I get bored and start looking for another thing to obsess about.

Now I know this is an ultimate cliché, but you're only gonna find someone when you stop looking. And I know its hard, easier said than done. Trust me, I've been trying not to care about being the only single person I know, and that's why I cant find anyone. The one time when I completely forgot about it and was totally focused on something else, I was literally directed to this one guy who I ended up having a little fling.

Anyway, whatever you choose to do, good luck. Hope you make it

 

[AiyanaS]

Although, I have not been in a relationship, I do know what heartbreak feels like (I wrote a thread on my story, if you want to read it) and am currently working to get over an intense crush on guy who only saw me as a friend and whose friendship I ruined in the process of crushing on him and making my feelings apparent (I'm embarrassed about my actions now though but I try to think of my mistakes as a learning experience). I haven't had a conversation with him in months and the few times I've seen him he had no desire to talk to me beyond Hi, and I've decided to just act like nothing ever happened, rather than try to talk to him about what happened and ask if we could start over as friend's.
What has helped me is keeping as busy as I can so my mind is off him and trying to not allow my mind to interact with the thoughts that pop into my head about him. I understand how difficult it is to move on from someone you really like, and I hate it when people say "just forget about them" or "stop thinking about them", when your brain can't and won't let go of the thoughts. I'm not sure if your religious but I've found my faith in God has helped me, my favorite prayer I pray when I find my thoughts obsessing over him is: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen."
In addition, I also found a quote I hope you may find to be helpful, it has helped me so far and I often refer back to it when my brain replays those annoying and painful flashbacks ...
"You can spend your life holding on, or you can show that idiot who broke your heart what he/she's missing"
Once again, I may not know what a post break-up feels like but I do understand the pain and depression caused by heartache and, from what you said the girl was abusive, unintentional but still, so why not try to also focus on the bad qualities about her and remind yourself that you deserve better than someone who caused you stress and pain and that you are better off without her. After all, abusive and emotionally stressful relationships are no good for both individuals involved.
Also, as for not finding someone, why not try taking your mind off finding someone and the burden of being single. I understand what its like to feel like your the only single one when everyone around you seems to be getting into a relationship or in one, I'm in that situation now. Why not focus on your life for a while, thats what I'm doing. From what I've been told, and seen, someone special will come into your life when you least expect it, you just have to be patient and not think about or look for it. I'm currently trying that, though it is hard not to try to search for or think about finding love when all you want is someone special to share your life with and none seem to come, no matter how long you wait. I guess love and finding the right one is luck of the draw.
Sorry about my ramble.
Good Luck

 

[bodafuko]

You need to change your frame of mind away from one of needing to be with someone to being okay with yourself. If you feel that you need to be with someone else to get over your ex-girlfriend, that indicates that you are in a needy frame of mind and are not "okay" without a partner. There is nothing wrong with desiring a partner. Exes are exes for a reason. Focus on those reasons. Our minds tend to pinpoint the few good moments and strip away all of the sickness and tumult.

 

[el Jay]

Thanks for the replies, all who I'm not quoting here. I do appreciate it, even if it's just to sympathize.

This is part of the "problem" i think. Your focus lays on your ex, and not on your life. If i would, for example, constantly focus on how much i hate the state and how it ruins everything and blabla, then i will become very depressed, because all i am thinking is hate. However, if i move my focus to my family and friends i have, making the most out of it, not forgetting about the state, but not focussing on it, keeping it at a distance, then my mood will be considerably better.

I hope you catch my drift. I do feel i'm being too harsh in the sense that you have made your fair share of attempts to get back to happiness again, it's good that you are motivated and do your best. I'm afraid that's also where it goes wrong. In your mind, it seems like the only way to be happy is to have a girlfriend. That again shows that your focus is completely on that part of life. If your focus is completely on one thing, you tend to forget, and not even see the good parts in the other things.

So to speak, you only focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, but fail to notice there are actually alot of little lights in the tunnel itself as well.

I'd say, take a day to gather your thoughts, maybe write down alot of them. Try to spot other things in life which you could find enjoyable, chances are you aren't very interested in those activities or contacts now, but i'm afraid a kind of pushing yourself is in order to make you feel better. I've been there too, i'm afraid, it's hard, but you can do it, i know you can. If you put all your energy you have spend in finding a girlfriend, in trying to appreciate your life as it is, and improving on that, you will feel better in about 5 - 10 minutes.

Good luck, and feel free to message me if you need any help, i'm there for you!

The issue for me isn't that I can't find other enjoyable aspects of my life, it's that loneliness is a huge part of my life, and as I'm quite introverted, I spend a fair amount of time (willingly) alone, which just ends up tormenting me with my problem. But if I try to avoid it by staying out with people, I eventually get so mentally worn out that I literally can't stand it anymore.

I know all of the things she did and the way she treated me. It doesn't change how I end up feeling about her when I miss her, because I remember all the good and ignore the bad, despite acknowledging it exists. Sort of like my mind tries to make me think if we'd been together, it somehow would've been alright.

I don't put all of my energy into finding a girlfriend, either. It's mainly just something that gets to me whenever I'm alone and not out doing stuff, which I simply can't be doing all the time. And because I don't really have many friends (only one really good one), and I can't even see him very often, I don't have much else to occupy myself with. It's difficult to find new activities by myself, when most things are populated by people with their own group of friends.

One of the things that usually work for me is to get super busy, as in I literally have no time to think about anything. When I finally have some time, Im too tired and just want to relax and think about absolutely nothing. Its a lot easier to focus on someone or something from your past when you have a lot of time in your hands, so keeping busy is a good thing. Another one is to entertain myself to an extreme. Like, find a new game or book or tv series(preferably with MANY seasons) that I like SO MUCH that I basically become obsessed and only play that game/read that book/whatever for nearly 48h or until its over, or I get bored and start looking for another thing to obsess about.

Now I know this is an ultimate cliché, but you're only gonna find someone when you stop looking. And I know its hard, easier said than done. Trust me, I've been trying not to care about being the only single person I know, and that's why I cant find anyone. The one time when I completely forgot about it and was totally focused on something else, I was literally directed to this one guy who I ended up having a little fling.

Anyway, whatever you choose to do, good luck. Hope you make it

Even when super-busy with something I'm enjoying, it's hard to purge the negative thoughts and loneliness from my long. Many a night, it's ended up ruining my relaxation of doing whatever it is I'm doing to try and occupy myself and get my mind off of stuff.

Though I do have to say, I doubt I'll find a girlfriend whether or not I'm looking. No one has ever really been drawn to me, ever in my life. People never approach me. I'm always the one who has to initiate any real interaction. I don't know why that is, I guess it's just something about me. Online, it tends to work differently, which is one reason I spend so much time online, I suppose. But if online friends and online relationships were enough to make me happy, I wouldn't be so depressed and lonely right now.

You need to change your frame of mind away from one of needing to be with someone to being okay with yourself. If you feel that you need to be with someone else to get over your ex-girlfriend, that indicates that you are in a needy frame of mind and are not "okay" without a partner. There is nothing wrong with desiring a partner. Exes are exes for a reason. Focus on those reasons. Our minds tend to pinpoint the few good moments and strip away all of the sickness and tumult.

I don't know how to do that. I want a girlfriend because I enjoy being in a relationship, having someone there who cares about me. Given how alone I've been my entire life, I don't think it's so wrong to want that, especially given how many other people seem to be able to find it, and I'm sure some of them are even worse off than I am.

Although, I have not been in a relationship, I do know what heartbreak feels like (I wrote a thread on my story, if you want to read it) and am currently working to get over an intense crush on guy who only saw me as a friend and whose friendship I ruined in the process of crushing on him and making my feelings apparent (I'm embarrassed about my actions now though but I try to think of my mistakes as a learning experience). I haven't had a conversation with him in months and the few times I've seen him he had no desire to talk to me beyond Hi, and I've decided to just act like nothing ever happened, rather than try to talk to him about what happened and ask if we could start over as friend's.
What has helped me is keeping as busy as I can so my mind is off him and trying to not allow my mind to interact with the thoughts that pop into my head about him. I understand how difficult it is to move on from someone you really like, and I hate it when people say "just forget about them" or "stop thinking about them", when your brain can't and won't let go of the thoughts. I'm not sure if your religious but I've found my faith in God has helped me, my favorite prayer I pray when I find my thoughts obsessing over him is: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, Amen."
In addition, I also found a quote I hope you may find to be helpful, it has helped me so far and I often refer back to it when my brain replays those annoying and painful flashbacks ...
"You can spend your life holding on, or you can show that idiot who broke your heart what he/she's missing"
Once again, I may not know what a post break-up feels like but I do understand the pain and depression caused by heartache and, from what you said the girl was abusive, unintentional but still, so why not try to also focus on the bad qualities about her and remind yourself that you deserve better than someone who caused you stress and pain and that you are better off without her. After all, abusive and emotionally stressful relationships are no good for both individuals involved.
Also, as for not finding someone, why not try taking your mind off finding someone and the burden of being single. I understand what its like to feel like your the only single one when everyone around you seems to be getting into a relationship or in one, I'm in that situation now. Why not focus on your life for a while, thats what I'm doing. From what I've been told, and seen, someone special will come into your life when you least expect it, you just have to be patient and not think about or look for it. I'm currently trying that, though it is hard not to try to search for or think about finding love when all you want is someone special to share your life with and none seem to come, no matter how long you wait. I guess love and finding the right one is luck of the draw.
Sorry about my ramble.
Good Luck

I have been working on my life for the past two years, but that doesn't help ease the loneliness, especially since I returned to college and am surrounded by happy couples and people in relationships. It also doesn't help it's difficult to relate to people, not because of age differences (I find I get along with them just fine, and I always did get along with older and younger people better than those my age). They're... "normal." They had normal childhoods, went through school normally with minimal problems, went to college and are on course towards a career they are interested in. Even those that don't really know yet seem more on track than with me.

As for religion, I can't say I'm religious. My family (especially dad's side) is Christian, but I can't reconcile the idea of an all-knowing and loving God who answers prayers with the hell of bullying I endured in school. Any god who supposedly answers prayers certainly didn't answer mine, so I refuse to respect such a being. Ironically though, I have a great amount of respect and love for Jesus Christ, because of his teachings about being nice to people, loving others, and other such things. It feels like Jesus did more good for people and the world than his "Father" ever did.

I just don't see any way I can start changing my way of thinking for the better that I haven't tried. I've been thinking about going back to therapy, though, despite that it didn't feel like it did me much good before.

Blah, this post got too long. Well, thanks for reading all of it, for anyone who did.

 

[Lefty Lonely]

Therapy can be great but you have to have a therapist who expects you to work on the issues that bother you in life, rather than only listen and talk to you about them and you have to be willing to do that work, no matter how awkward and tedious it may be.

Back when I was learning counseling, that was the most effective approach that was taught, it requires patience and diligence on both the therapist and client's part.

 

[Tealeaf]

You shouldn't need another girlfriend to get over the last... It almost sounds like what you want is demonstration of your desirability as a person or just plain close company, since you weren't getting anything from that relationship. Or something.

I left a relationship of four years last January, and sometimes it still aches. I go weeks at a time without so much as a thought of him, but sometimes something as simple as a song takes me back. I know the feeling of having trouble forgetting, but it was because I was so damaged by the time I finally said "enough is enough!" that adapting was a struggle on top of leaving something I'd spent so much time on.

What's helped me is acceptance of what it was. The relationship was insufficient no matter how much I was told my needs would be met if I'd just stay, by him and by my heart. Allowing myself to say anything but "no" just prolonged the illusion and the suffering. Every time my heart told me we were meant to be together, all we had, etc, I responded with the fact that it was founded on deceit. Every time it brought up the good things, I answered with the selfish motivations or the odd day of feeling guilty behind them. Every time it told me I loved him, I told it I never knew the real him and the man I fell in love with during the first half wasn't real.

It was lonely, but I was free. I was safe. I wound up with people who had my best interests at heart and built me up instead of tearing me down, though recovering was a journey in itself. There was room in my life for all kinds of other things that I began discovering.

If you're not discovering those things, then go discover them. You're free to now and it's that freedom that matters. If you want closeness with other people, or to take care of other people, or to be understood, there's other paths that you can't focus on while you're still looking over your shoulder to the comfortable familiar. If you can pinpoint your specific needs and motivations beyond "I want to be in a relationship" you can find more ways to meet those needs and do things that are meaningful to you.

 

[Gutted]

You've a Degree? Focus on a badass Career! She is living in hour head rent free. You can't allow that. Get busy with other things in life and you'll start to forget whatever is preventing you from getting over her. I can see where you're coming from. It looks like you want closure. I am the same. To this day I sometimes think about stuff to do with previous relationships. Unanswered questions and unresolved issues. But then I remember that I am probably better off not knowing. As the saying goes, the truth hurts. Try to learn from the relationship and utilize that new found knowledge when you meet someone new~

 

[el Jay]

You shouldn't need another girlfriend to get over the last... It almost sounds like what you want is demonstration of your desirability as a person or just plain close company, since you weren't getting anything from that relationship. Or something.

I left a relationship of four years last January, and sometimes it still aches. I go weeks at a time without so much as a thought of him, but sometimes something as simple as a song takes me back. I know the feeling of having trouble forgetting, but it was because I was so damaged by the time I finally said "enough is enough!" that adapting was a struggle on top of leaving something I'd spent so much time on.

What's helped me is acceptance of what it was. The relationship was insufficient no matter how much I was told my needs would be met if I'd just stay, by him and by my heart. Allowing myself to say anything but "no" just prolonged the illusion and the suffering. Every time my heart told me we were meant to be together, all we had, etc, I responded with the fact that it was founded on deceit. Every time it brought up the good things, I answered with the selfish motivations or the odd day of feeling guilty behind them. Every time it told me I loved him, I told it I never knew the real him and the man I fell in love with during the first half wasn't real.

It was lonely, but I was free. I was safe. I wound up with people who had my best interests at heart and built me up instead of tearing me down, though recovering was a journey in itself. There was room in my life for all kinds of other things that I began discovering.

If you're not discovering those things, then go discover them. You're free to now and it's that freedom that matters. If you want closeness with other people, or to take care of other people, or to be understood, there's other paths that you can't focus on while you're still looking over your shoulder to the comfortable familiar. If you can pinpoint your specific needs and motivations beyond "I want to be in a relationship" you can find more ways to meet those needs and do things that are meaningful to you.

The "demonstration of your desirability as a person or just plain close company" certainly sounds nice. Considering my ex (the one this thread is about) never really showed that, and my previous (and only other) girlfriend as physically with me for like 20 days out of our relationship due to distance, I've certainly had a deficit of that in my life.

It's compounded by the fact that people almost never approach me, for any reason. I mean, people I see regularly in classes and such know me and say hi, but I mean reach out as a friend or something. Something more than just being a casual acquaintance. Obviously I do try to reach out myself (otherwise I'd have no one ever), but sometimes I wish other people would reach out to me in real life, and just put in some effort themselves or something. Make it feel like I'm not the one who always has to do all the work in any sort of relationship.

You've a Degree? Focus on a badass Career! She is living in hour head rent free. You can't allow that. Get busy with other things in life and you'll start to forget whatever is preventing you from getting over her. I can see where you're coming from. It looks like you want closure. I am the same. To this day I sometimes think about stuff to do with previous relationships. Unanswered questions and unresolved issues. But then I remember that I am probably better off not knowing. As the saying goes, the truth hurts. Try to learn from the relationship and utilize that new found knowledge when you meet someone new~

I wish I had a career. I only have an associate in liberal arts, and one in computer science (game development concentration). I'm actually (sort of) using the latter as part of an indie dev team, but production of our game has been slooooow, as a result of everyone having a day job that often saps time, and unreliable members (all of which have slowly been bled out). It's gone for over three years and we still don't have a demo of the first three levels out, although we're damn close right now. But the slow speed at which that's been progressing has been keeping me from feeling too excited over the prospects. I'm more burned out than anything.

Besides that, I'm back in college right now for a 4-year biology degree + chemistry minor, but it hurts seeing so many 18-22 year olds who seem to be farther on the path towards a career they want than I do. I still don't even know for sure what I want to do.