Loneliness, when it grips, it tries to squeeze out every last breath of hope.
I have often found myself wandering around my tiny home, completely vacant, as if searching for a purpose or meaning, as if it slipped behind the sofa, or was accidentally boxed up.
Walking the dog turned into cross county treks. And if I could not walk, there were those days when I simply say the while day through. No distractions, no interaction, nothing. I might have sat beyond midnight, in total darkness, having not registered any emotion or having any thoughts occur.
In one occasion, I found myself doing internet searches for suitable ways to kill myself, that would not inconvenience anyone. The internet refused to cooperate, and even restrict access is some parts. This only infuriated me further.
I am at a peculiar stage in life. Done with the superficial excesses, and tired of social networking revolving almost entirely around drink.
Some suggest finding new hobbies and making new friends. Annoyingly, you start to see the same characters, just in different settings. You go from a pub setting to a walking group frequented by older people, yet familiar traits appear.
Whenever I did answer my phone, people would begin with the faux concern, which might last a minute or two, before promptly detailing their issues, or requesting some form of service from me. There's never a space for a discussion about whatever might be on my mind.
I've grown accustomed to birthdays being forgotten, Christmas, father's day, and just about every other occasion when folks usually wish you something happy.
Occasionally, I'll get a little pissed off. A plethora of people, neighbours and such, pass right by door. If I'm outside, sometimes they'll comment on my activities, either gardening or the car. There's never any question about me, an I good, how's my day, did you see...
I've seen all four corners of this country, alone. Established several businesses, alone. Eat, sleep, walk the dog, alone. It gets tiring after a while.
Be no mistake, mine is not a tale of woe. If I simply go back to being the bloke who is there for everyone, put on a fake smile, and return to flamboyant character who is an entertainer; then yes, I will once again be surrounded by people, asking things of me.
As I have mentioned in other posts, I'm fine being in my own company. Although, sometimes some conversation with others, is not only nice, but essential. Lately, I have been craving it.
