i am considering to finally take my own life

[zwan]

I do not have a internet connection with a pc I am writing all this from my phone but will chat given the chance I get to the internet cafe.

 

[user 6186]

PLEASE STAY ALIVE!!!!

 

[LGH1288]

Hi Zwan -- I've been thinking about you all day long! I look forward to reading more of your postings and getting to know you better. LG

 

[Tex Is Lost]

I do not have a internet connection with a pc I am writing all this from my phone but will chat given the chance I get to the internet cafe.

That sucks, I have the same internet issues. I have a BlackBerry so I can get on the internet in a limited way, but for chat and such, I have to go to my parent's home and use their PC. (if you happen to have a BlackBerry, PM me here and i'll give you my PIN, maybe we can talk)

If you end your life, all of us here would be deprived of knowing you. There are a lot of great personalities here, with a diverse mix of experience and opinion.
Get to know some of us and maybe you'll find your answers. It's not in that bullet you examine.

I'm sorry for what happened to your mom and your brother, but that does not have to be you. Someone I was close to once ended her own life and I had to tell her children. It sucked ***.

What is your religion you mentioned (if you can tell me, PM me if you don't want it out there. I'm just curious and I won't judge you, promise)
I am a Christian (without apology) and I will say this. You were wonderfully made in the very image of God. To kill yourself would be a tragedy and a waste. Let us know you, please.

 

[SofiasMami]

I do not have a internet connection with a pc I am writing all this from my phone but will chat given the chance I get to the internet cafe.

Yes, please do. I'm worried about you.

Teresa

 

[Badjedidude]

I do not have a internet connection with a pc I am writing all this from my phone but will chat given the chance I get to the internet cafe.

Awesome! It'd be nice to get a chance to meet ya.

 

[zwan]

Well from a religion perspective according to Dante's scriptures I think its the 7th circle of hell I condemn myself to for eternally. According to Hinduism my spirit will wander the earth until I should have died. And I think in Buddhist terms I am reincarnated.

Well I should say I am a agnostic thiest. So when I die ill just have too see what happens.

I found out a year ago that I am sterile(the result most likely of getting kicked punched etc in the groin too many times) so the promise of children keeping me alive isn't really there. I know I can adopt or even marry someone else with a kid and like believe its mine but realistically speaking my blood ends.with me alone.

I have been through therapy and medication(which did cost me a arm and a leg) with not really much of a result as you can read. I do write on a regular basis and probably should post some of my poems up. But looking at this all, its probably kept me alive for the past 5 years but it didn't really make me happy to live.

 

[iris]

I'm looking forward to reading you poems, zwan! And don't kill yourself, it's useless. LIVE YOUR LIFE! Life is a gift from God and we all should cherish it.

 

[septicemia]

Dude, you dont need chat, or to write, you need meds and therapy!! I am sorry to say but clearly you come from a line of people who have severe severe depression. Not only that but it sounds like you have lived through some terrible, horrible things that NO ONE should ever have to go though, yet, here you are. The fact that you joined here and made this thread is proof to me that while you are SO so so so miserable (and with good reason) you wanted to be talked out of it, you still have some hair of hope left, dont let go of that!

Early september a friend of mines husband killed himself. I had visited them just 5 days before he did it. He had a wife who loved him greatly, he had friends, he had a farm and horses and cows and dogs and cats and a ton of stuff that anyone could ever want. He also had sever depression. He would not take his meds, he would not go to therapy. He killed himself, his his wifes truck, leaving her with no way to get hay and feed for the horses and cows.

My mom has a friend who's when he was 15, his father blew his head off right in front of him. My moms friend is in his 50s now.

If having a true love means someone is still miserable enough to kill them self, being alone doesnt mean one has to be miserable. Witnessing tragedy and severe trauma, doesnt mean one has to kill them self.

I really really urge you to get some mental help. I dont pretend to know what its like in south africa, but hopefully you live in a colonized area that has resources to help, like place to commit yourself if necessary.

 

[zwan]

I have been through meds and therapy for lets say 4 years. I think this is a decision I will have to decide on my own meds does make one ... confused. I cannot really post now but will write a long one tomorrow morning!

 

[zwan]

I do agree with you that I suffer from a form of depression but finally I feel I can let go of it all and end it. I think the thing keeping me alive this long was my responsibility towards friends and family but then I started thinking of myself in terms of what I want and what I want to do the most is it all to end. I know there are many ways of making life better but at this moment I feel like suicide is the most viable option.

I don't have the strength anymore
I am exploring all my options
Just know I am trying

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
That's it, keep talking to us and dig deeper than you ever have before. You're not the only one who's felt this way. There are plenty of us out there who are still around to extend a hand to kindred spirits.

Teresa

 

[Yukhi]

Zwan, there will be many opportunities in the future that may make your life take a turn for the better. You have a lot of people supporting you here. No, not supporting you to commit suicide, but they're here to support you to feel better and possibly to be a bit more optimistic in life. I do admit that there were times I desired to commit suicide since there was really no one to turn to. My spirit was in a storm of emotions. Some of those emotions probably lingered there ever since childhood and I couldn't take it anymore.

But some time later when you find things to enjoy in life, the ideas of suicide go away and you will feel better and so much more empowered that you were able to overcome such an obstacle in life. Don't let depression triumph. Don't let it take you and make you do something like suicide.

And yes, talk to the members in ALL chat. Unfortunately I can't join chat anymore because of my schedule. I actually missed coming back here after a couple of weeks so here I am again xD

Zwan, fighting fighting!!!

 

[LonelyAtTimes]

Hi Zwan,

I've just counted the replies to this post here, it is thirty three, people have taken time, their time to respond to YOU, THAT IS CARING.......WE CARE FOR YOU.....

AS I WRITE THIS I CARE FOR YOU, I CHOSE TO RESPOND TO YOU, THE OTHERS HERE HAVE CHOSEN TO RESPOND TO YOU, THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THAT I COULD BE RESPONDING TO RIGHT NOW, I CHOSE TO RESPOND TO YOU.....

I have been in depression, when in depression thinking might feel rational BUT IT IS NOT......
This does not mean that you don't feel terrible and the future seems futile, right now you do feel like that....

And yet I think that you have a tiny bit of hope and even desire that things could be different, better......because you came here....which shows that beyond depression you actually do CARE SOME FOR YOURSELF....

Zwan, there are a number of people that are reading and following your posts and REPLIES and are are replying to YOU!!!!!, more than once!!!!!!!

Zwan I am going to now be one of those people too!!!!!

Zwan I DO KNOW THAT YOU ARE TRYING!!!!!!!

Zwan I AM GLAD THAT YOU HAVE COME HERE!!!!!!!

John,

 

[septicemia]

Hi Zwan how are you today? Its good you have friends and family that you care for. Do they know of your misery?

 

[zwan]

The headaches are getting worst. To a certain aspect I should accept the fact that I will die alone. That I can accept but the rest... I cannot keep going like this.

 

[Ladysphinx]

Zwan I've been thinking about you a lot and I wish I could really help you. I know the feeling of thinking that there is no hope of ever being happy. Knowing that you feel that emptiness breaks my heart, I don't wish that on my worst enemy. The fact is that I really wish I can help you get out of it but don't know what to say. I know that speaking about it helps it did with me. I still go there sometimes. Please don't stop fighting this we are all here for you.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Don't do it Zwan, just look at all the people here who don't even really know you who don't want you to do such a thing. Life is hard, there's no denying that. We struggle through, and each day you make it is just another day to appreciate. There has to be something you'd miss in life, even the smallest things. When I had thoughts like you back in high school I thought no one would miss me if I did, then I remember a friend of mine who's father committed suicide a few years earlier. Her brother found him when he went to visit, hung in his room. It was a horrible time for her and her family, and though I didn't know him I felt so bad for her to have to go through such a pain. You might not think it but there are people who will miss you. How do you think your brother will feel if you do this after you saved him? He needs you, maybe you two could find something to do together, a common hobby or something.

Talking about this now and looking back, I would have never met the people I have, I wouldn't have the things I have now that make me happy, and I might be in debt with a huge credit card bill to pay off but I wouldn't give any of it up. I started to list out the little things I'd miss if I did commit suicide, the stupidest little things, like my favorite TV programs, getting my comic books and reading the fantasy stories I would escape into each week/month, or even a movie that I was looking forward to, or new video game. Maybe not have spent so much...but I'm glad I didn't. I would have never been alive to see The Dark Knight (best movie ever) or play Arkham Asylum (best video game ever).

Even though like you I didn't think anyone cared about me it would have put my family through hell. Just think about it, there has got to be something you'd miss, some little thing that you do look forward to that if you took your own life you would no longer have, cause that's it, once you're gone, you're gone. No do overs, no take backs, no mulligans. It's the small things in life that we don't even realize that give us joy.

Like I said when I started this lengthy post, there are people right here who don't want to see you do it, complete strangers who care about you. You might think suicide will solve your problems but it won't help the fallout from you taking your own life. Eventually it will get better, at some point in your life, it could be years from now but when it does do you really want to have missed out on it?

 

[zwan]

I miss the days when I could have cried. It seems like a part lost inside of me. This constant draining of energy and the repeat feeling of rejection just drags me back to the so called hole. God I wish I could hate that drove me 3 years of my life.


Through the misty shades of grey I wander
Wishing somehow I could fine you
Somehow I did
This small light from afar
I came running
Only for you to run away
Stumbling into a puddle I looked at the reflection
Not recognising the beast I have become

 

[HermesReborn]

I miss the days when I could have cried. It seems like a part lost inside of me. This constant draining of energy and the repeat feeling of rejection just drags me back to the so called hole. God I wish I could hate that drove me 3 years of my life.


Through the misty shades of grey I wander
Wishing somehow I could fine you
Somehow I did
This small light from afar
I came running
Only for you to run away
Stumbling into a puddle I looked at the reflection
Not recognising the beast I have become

Did you write that?