i am considering to finally take my own life

[zwan]

Yes

 

[HermesReborn]

Yes

Well it's very good.

Now I don't know you, but if you're capable of writing like that, then you certainly have something to live for.
You are very talented, and i'm guessing by the calibre of that verse you're quite intelligent aswel.

Now I'm a writer myself, so I sympathize with your situation.
Been there many many many times and I have to admit life in general isn't enjoyable or pleasurable by any standard.
It's full of people who pander to you, pretend they love you when they really don't know the first thing about you. It really is exhausting.
So why do we bother going on? And I say we, cause every single one of us seem to experience it. It seems that the more intelligent we become the more we don't want to go on living.
Well despite that, there is a lot of good, we just fail to see it. I think it's a flaw in the human condition. We see things as either blessings or curses, and we do idiotic things to cope I.E. Sacrifice virgins, begin wars and draw up imaginary lines to divide territory that in reality really doesn't exist. We're a quirky species.

I digress, I was in a similar situation not to long ago and I think things changed for me when I finally stopped searching for other people's love.
I'll be honest with you, searching for people to love you, is a useless endeavor.

For example.

Say you manage to find love, before January.
It's probably just delaying the inevitable.
This man and/or woman will satisfy you now, but somewhere down the line they will disappoint you and you will disappoint them. And quite possibly you'll end up worse off then you were before. And if you're like me, you might drown your sorrows in some hallucinogenic substance praying that you overdose and puts you out of your misery.
Don't search for love, if it happens, it happens.
Do you know how many lonely people there are in this world?
Millions!
Why?
Usually because they get in their own way, and expect too much from others.

This is wrong.
But we all do it.
I started looking for happiness in people. However People will always disappoint you, it's a consequence of being human.
The only person you can really count on is yourself.
And this is a hard and tragic lesson a person must learn.

The main problem is you, don't love yourself. In this culture we are taught to have others validate our self worth.
THIS IS WRONG.

You must understand that with all your flaws, You Are Perfect...
This notion is beyond humanistic egoism.
From scientific standpoint, you are a miracle of cells that divides to the archetype of your DNA. When hurt, you heal yourself physically. When a muscle becomes destroyed, it arises in mere hours stronger than it was before. The human body is perfect in it's design and resilience.

However, You say it's not your body, but your soul is fractured and tired from living. But through that pain your soul manifested that verse, which is every bit as beautiful as you are. That one frail verse, opened up the windows of your soul, for a gentle 20 seconds. And all I saw was warmth disguised in grey. This torment of yours has supplied you with a great amount of talent. Do not go the Plath route, she was wasted talent and expression.

Now if you're searching for happiness, I'm sorry that doesn't come easily.
We all have demons.
Sometimes what you're looking for is something you fail to give yourself.
And nothing will matter until you look at that mirror and forgive yourself for whatever you fail to accomplish.
People will always say they love you,
look this whole board rose up to your aid.
However none of that matters.

Because how can they help you when you can't help yourself?
So what really happens?
The more they say and claim that they love you, the more you just want to die.
I know, believe me.

You just have to teach yourself to be strong.
It's a lesson only you can learn by yourself.

When it's all said and done, you'll find out that It's all about the little things.
You ask me what gives me pleasure?
It's a cool breeze on a warm summer day. As cliche as it sounds, it always manages to put a smile on my face.
The feel of cold snow, in the palm of my hands. Or a beautiful memory.
The satisfaction I feel when I finish a song, or the smiles I get when singing in front of an audience.
It's those little things that makes life truly worthwhile.


This world is beautiful, and you should give yourself a chance, so you could truly live,
because from your words, I can tell you've only existed.
Don't be wasted talent
give yourself a chance

To the garden the world anew ascending,
Potent mates, daughters, sons, preluding,
The love, the life of their bodies, meaning and being,
Curious here behold my resurrection after slumber,
The revolving cycles in their wide sweep having brought me again,
Amorous, mature, all beautiful to me, all wondrous,
My limbs and the quivering fire that ever plays through them, for
reasons, most wondrous,
Existing I peer and penetrate still,
Content with the present, content with the past,
By my side or back of me Eve following,
Or in front, and I following her just the same.

 

[Syber Tiger]

zwam,where from south africa
and u speak afrikaans

i am from sa to

and killing your self looks like the way out feels like it but if u are dead what then...

 

[Jicky]

Zwam suicide is a cry for help-been there (3X's). I couldn't even get that right!!!
So I figured that if I wake each morning I'm going to make the best of it no matter how bad things are. I too am alone in this world-awful feeling. Mine I think is inability to connect w/ ppl for many reasons. When your in that dark room w/ the mental blind pullled down-it's tough real tough. And depression is anger turned inward probually over a family member taking their life-like you didn't matter-they didn't consider you for a moment but they were in a dark place as you are now.
Suicide devastates families for those left behind-like yourself and your brother. Alot of times we think we could of prevented it -or are to blame for what happened, and none of that is true. Grief counceling would be a great comfort to you at this time. My heart goes out to you and if there is anything at all I could to help you through this unpleasant time I will. Just let us know-ok? We now have a vested interest and geniune care for you and your well being. So be good to yourself and take good care as we would you.
Eleanor

---

Zwam here is a suicide HotLine number to call. I found other also if you could tell me part of S Africa you are from. 1-800-784-2433 this is in Africa. Try this and let us know, ok? Please call, will you?

 

[zwan]

Lady in the bar what are you doing
Living a past life out again it seems
Crying into that g&t when no one is looking
Then when someone approaches a smile on lipstick smeared face appears
Drops of mascara falling onto the floor
O god what has become
Lady in the bar just let it be

 

[HermesReborn]

Lady in the bar what are you doing
Living a past life out again it seems
Crying into that g&t when no one is looking
Then when someone approaches a smile on lipstick smeared face appears
Drops of mascara falling onto the floor
O god what has become
Lady in the bar just let it be

Lady in the bar with the velveteen face,
Ragdoll eyes, clad in sinewy lace,
Shuffling your stars into echoes of oblivion,
as the fire in your belly ,burns up the lust of men
Who boast with their check books and lie through their teeth
Drinking like a river, till their too drunk to dream
Then to recede in the coolth of your yesterday smile
Dodging out headlights, broken cities, broken miles
of shattered women with their forehead to the moon
crying silver tears, over shattered silver spoons
Dear lady in the bar with the velveteen face
Wipe away those tears, It's only another day.

 

[LGH1288]

Lady in the bar what are you doing
Living a past life out again it seems
Crying into that g&t when no one is looking
Then when someone approaches a smile on lipstick smeared face appears
Drops of mascara falling onto the floor
O god what has become
Lady in the bar just let it be

To Zwan our clown I bid thee well
For I have cried too much to tell!
My teardrops salt an open wound
Exposed to fear it howls at noon.
So special is your gentle heart
It beats a rhythm cool and smart.
Whenever tides can kiss the earth
The moon will fill us with a laugh!

 

[Naleena]

Through the misty shades of grey I wander
Wishing somehow I could fine you
Somehow I did
This small light from afar
I came running
Only for you to run away
Stumbling into a puddle I looked at the reflection
Not recognising the beast I have become

So beautiful, so metaphorical, so deep. Please share more of your work.

 

[HermesReborn]

Through the misty shades of grey I wander
Wishing somehow I could fine you
Somehow I did
This small light from afar
I came running
Only for you to run away
Stumbling into a puddle I looked at the reflection
Not recognising the beast I have become

So beautiful, so metaphorical, so deep. Please share more of your work.

 

[evanescencefan91]

ah man I love poetry, this is good stuff

 

[AncientBard]

Silver tonged Devils

 

[zwan]

Looking at a picture of my childhood
I wonder how life would have been
If
I chose option B instead of A
A road less travelled
With good reason
****
You
Concious

---

I cleaned my flat today for I have very special company coming over tonight. Throughout mopping ash from the floor and chucking away old cigarette buts I came across my old memory box old photos of my matric dance, a old golf ball from the last game I played with a friend who passed away but I came across a photo of when I was 3 years old sitting in my mothers lap all so happy oblivious to what will happen 14 years later. I actually cried wondering what if I helped her. I miss her I miss the days were she learned me how to ride a bike. I miss the days were she made me appreciate music through crash test dummies. I even miss the days were she would be drunk in front of me because she was in front of me.

 

[Naleena]

How did this double post?

 

[Naleena]

((((((((((((((Zwan)))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you lost your mom. Nothing anyone can say will make it better or lessen what you feel right now. All I can say is we are here. I feel your pain. I know what it is like to lose someone the way you lost your mom. A lot of times people don't know when a person is thinking about ending their life. Sometimes they even act happier as if nothing is wrong. It's not your fault and I doubt you could have done anything to prevent it. You were a little kid. Sounds like your mom loved you. I can't help but feel she wouldn't want the same end for you.
You shared with us how it hurts that you can't have children to carry on your blood line. You are, however, carrying on your mothers. There is a part of her inside you that as long as you live; she lives. Her life has not been in vain as long as you walk the earth. You are her gift...her link..to this world. I don't know your views on religion or if you had the chance to tell your mom goodbye. I always like to think that they are with us always. It's ok to talk to her in your own way and tell her anything that you wanted to but haven't. I would like to share a quote by a great Nigerian author, Ben Okri. He too, witnessed violence growing up.

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”
- Ben Okri quotes
You have a place in the world. It wouldn't be the same without you.

 

[LGH1288]

.
A "ZWAN" SONG FOR ZWAN..."ZWANEE" RIVER...AN ETHIOPIAN MELODY...BY STEPHEN FOSTER
.
Way down upon the "ZWANEE" RIVER,
Far, far away
That's where my heart is turning ever
That's where the old folks stay
All up and down the whole creation,
Sadly I roam
Still longing for the old plantation
And for the old folks at home.....
.
Zwan -- Enjoy your company, LG

 

[Callie]

Your poetry is awesome, zwan.

 

[zwan]

I give my soul to you
I know it darkened
Wishing you will accept it
You spat it out back in my face
Well
Look
Its a little clean

I'm over trying to find love. Yet again rejection and with someone I loved and cared about. Guess I really am a beast. For once I felt positive and really happy I will still love her and care for her. The words promise you won't fall in love with me will echo in my mind all night.

God why can I just not care for myself.

 

[AncientBard]

Pffft here's a real Zwan song for Zwan

[video=youtube]

for i'm a star
and i will shine
in a season all mine

 

[HermesReborn]

I give my soul to you
I know it darkened
Wishing you will accept it
You spat it out back in my face
Well
Look
Its a little clean

I'm over trying to find love. Yet again rejection and with someone I loved and cared about. Guess I really am a beast. For once I felt positive and really happy I will still love her and care for her. The words promise you won't fall in love with me will echo in my mind all night.

God why can I just not care for myself.

Interesting... It is a woman...
Always is.
The achilles heel within every mans heart.

"Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky."

 

[HermesReborn]

I give my soul to you
I know it darkened
Wishing you will accept it
You spat it out back in my face
Well
Look
Its a little clean

I'm over trying to find love. Yet again rejection and with someone I loved and cared about. Guess I really am a beast. For once I felt positive and really happy I will still love her and care for her. The words promise you won't fall in love with me will echo in my mind all night.

God why can I just not care for myself.

Interesting... It is a woman...
Always is.
The achilles heel within every mans heart.

"Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky."