I feel kinda loser-y

[Estreen]

Blah, I've always had a less than adequate self esteem but lately....I dunno. It seems like almost nothing can completely satisfy me, that or I end up finding something wrong with things. I feel like I'm not good enough, adventurous enough, or I want things that I shouldn't expect or something, I'm too "conscious"...I over-analyze things, I think maybe more than I should. I don't feel like I went through the typical "phases" my friends and boyfriend have went through, and thus I feel a bit more slightly disconnected from them.

I know these are a lot of generalizations but it's hard to write out all the specifics right now. I just think that I should be happier than I am, having my boyfriend here. I just don't understand how I'm still getting depressed and blah despite the fact that he's here. It usually gets better when he's here, to the point where I'm barely (if at all) depressed, but...I seem to be finding stuff wrong and now I just doubt myself and wonder what's wrong with me. I know that I am the problem, but trying to figure out how to fix it is proving hard for me.

Meh. v_v

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Let go of thinking or feeling you have a problem...

Or embrace it. Welcome it. Let the feeling go through you.
(what you resist persist...if you stop fighting it..then the fight is over...SURRENDER)

Surrender and letting go is the samething...
Giving up your pains and letting go of your pains is the samething.

You are not you're problems or emotions...
Detach yourself from your problems or challenges.
Stop identifying yourself as your problems.
Stop identiftying yourself as your emotions.

You feel sad or feel the blues
You are not sad.

It's okay to feel what you feel..
It's okay for you to have challegenes in your life....
Just stop identfying yourself as it.

You are Estreen....(love /happiness)

Happiness/Love/Joy is constant...
You might experince good feelings and bad feelings.
You might experince challenges or no challenges.

Think of all the problems or challenges as just stuff you carry around in your purse...
it's not you.

You don't have to do anything, be anything or should anything. (freedom/ you have a chioce)
(you are perfect, complete/whole already)
The challenges or things you want to happen...are just WANTS.
Wants are just wants...such as you wanted a barbie doll as a child but didn't get it right away.
Do you WANT to BE HAPPY ? or WOULD rather JUST BE HAPPY ?

LET GO of the WANTING feelings.

Nothing shouldn't be anything....(expectations)

It is what it is at the moment...and it's okay. (acceptence)

Yeap sometimes words cannot describe the funk...

Love yourself...be gentle to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Accept yourself.

The the ego is sneaky..sometimes it disguides itself as reverse pride or self sabatage.
You get de eurdge to just **** **** up or feel bad becuase you're not feeling exaclty right.
it's cunning.....

Don't figure it out lol...just LET GO.

If you try to fix it..it's like pouring fuel into the fire...

Save your thinking for algebra or your history classes...stuff like that..lol

Letting go de-fuse it...happpiness and joy usually comes right in...

Actually happiness and joy is always and have always been.

That's who you are...you're happiness or love or peace or joy. Just BE...lol

HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB....
By knowing who you truely are...(love/joy)
You will not be dependent on outside conditons/circmstance for your happiness.
(in other words learn how to cut out the middle man)

Society or materialism..teached you or conditioned you to depened on outside conditions.
There's nothing wrong with being a millionair, prestiege or have nice material things..
However...do not become depended on outside condition for your happiness.
Be happy first...and the world will be at your feet.
The Meek shall ihairate the earth.
In other words...don't put the buggie in front of the horse.

Ask yourself this...
Would a lady living in a village in South America or Africa..think she's a loser
if she dosn't have a lamborgine, Porches or an office with a window veiw ?

Of course not...she hasn't been conditioned...

Example...If i wait for my ex-gf to act right or depended on her for my happiness.
I'll fucken died a sad...sad..man...lmao

Once you're aware or in the state of happiness...you can simply just laid in bed with your BF..not do anything and be happy.
YOu can simply take a simple stroll and it would be beautiful.
You can go to movies and see a not so excellent of a movies and still be happy.

If it was raining...you'd go out and dance in the rain becuase you're happy already.
If the ego is in control...the ego would say...."**** ...**** it's raining and it sucks."

...mmmm you're the electric to the flash light. The light always shines happiness wherever it shines.
Your body..including your brain..is the flashlight...you're not the flashlight..You're Bigger or greater than that.

 

[Nyktimos]

It's hard to say without specifics. But it sounds to me as though there is something you feel you're missing that is sitting in the back of your mind but you haven't yet consciously identified, so you're associating the feeling with whatever's going on. A bit like when you know you've forgotten something and can't think what. Could it be something you used to enjoy but no longer have time for? Or a dream you wanted to chase but put it to one side?

 

[luciddisconnect]

I suppose having a boyfriend would help, but it won't entirely take depression away. You can't entirely rely on another person to validate your being.

Try to work hard towards whatever you dream of being or doing. For me, anyway, this is the only way to feel momentarily satisfied with myself.

 

[Estreen]

It's hard to say without specifics. But it sounds to me as though there is something you feel you're missing that is sitting in the back of your mind but you haven't yet consciously identified, so you're associating the feeling with whatever's going on. A bit like when you know you've forgotten something and can't think what. Could it be something you used to enjoy but no longer have time for? Or a dream you wanted to chase but put it to one side?

Yeah, it does kinda feel like that. I do feel like I'm missing out on something, and it bothers me. I don't why I get so emotional around him. All of my friends...I don't act like this around them, I don't really get moody, and I hate how I end up being around him at times. I feel like I'm becoming bi-polar. I catch myself in the process of it too and try to think to myself, "Ok, why am I doing this? What is wrong? What has someone done or what has happened that has warranted this feeling? Should I really be acting this way?" But I get very little answers from myself. I find I'm getting bored a lot lately, I don't have much interest in things that he and his friend (who came over with him) like/want to do, and half of the time I feel like an outsider. I keep finding myself asking (myself) "Why does he love me?" I'm (sometimes) over-emotional, don't have a lot of common interests, don't have many stories or the opportunities that he has to go out and socialize, a lot of the things he likes I don't get and end up asking him why....I've always strived to be the laid-back, cool, non-nagging girlfriend...so I really hate this because I feel like I'm turning into exactly what I've always set out not to be. I also thought guys were...well....hornier as well....I end up feeling like the roles are reversed and I can't figure out why as well...we actually FIGHT when he's away and he still gets..."you know"....so I don't understand. Just that first night he was umm "aggressive" and that's it. And no...I'm not looking for sex (still virgins) just...normal sexual attention. Seems like he wants me more when online than in person and I don't feel right about that, but it's hard to try to talk to him about it, especially since his friend is here. Blah.

I'm sorry, it's not JUST the relationship stuff, there's more as well, but I end up comparing myself to others despite telling myself not to. Like I said, I find myself bored with a lot of things, I've actually had two anxiety attacks since he's been here...I dunno why, as I haven't had an attack before then for at least three months or so.

Rocket, thank you for your post. I know, if I could let go, life would be a lot easier, but my mind...it's just constantly ON. Wish I could find the switch to turn it off. v_v

Luccid, I know I can't depend on others for happiness, I'm just surprised that I'm not as happy/satisfied as I should be. I was looking so forward to this, and whilst I am happy in a way, I find myself MORE moody and bleh lately than before he came. =\

And ughhh, his friend has WAY more in common with him than I do! >.< Significant others are supposed to be like your best friend, to a degree, and I don't really feel like that. v_v *sighs* Maybe I just need to lower my expectations of life?

 

[Nyktimos]

I don't know if this is a first relationship or first serious relationship, but a lot of poeple who have not been in a relationship feel it's the thing they need to make them happy. It really isn't! It comes with a lot of problems of it's own.

You are probably different around his friend for the same reason we are all different with different people. You know your boyfriend's reactions. They may not be good, but they are relatively predictable, or at least you know when you are pushing things just beyond the predictable. His friend is not there to hear your domestic issues, and you don't impose them on him.

Being with my girlfriend, which is the first long term relationship I've had, I found once the initial passion and interest had worn off I simply didn't have the time to do the things I enjoy. Even if I could spend an hour listening to my music and reading without interruption, an hour wasn't enough for me to feel it was my own time. It felt as though I had a curfew. And it wasn't because I enjoy my time with her, which always seems to be about entertaining her, but because we simply wouldn't have a relationship if I spend as much time as I need doing what I want to do.

As for guys being hornier, that's not really true in todays world where women should expect as much satisfaction from a sexual relationship as men, and that's the way it should be. Finding someone who has the same sex drive as you is virtually impossible.

 

[Twitchy]

Being with my girlfriend, which is the first long term relationship I've had, I found once the initial passion and interest had worn off I simply didn't have the time to do the things I enjoy. Even if I could spend an hour listening to my music and reading without interruption, an hour wasn't enough for me to feel it was my own time. It felt as though I had a curfew. And it wasn't because I enjoy my time with her, which always seems to be about entertaining her, but because we simply wouldn't have a relationship if I spend as much time as I need doing what I want to do.

I've been hesitant to start relationships because of things like this. I don't have the time to devote every waking minute to someone. I have a job and several other important tasks to perform.

I also have hobbies that help me stay sane. If I never get to do those things I start to lose focus, motivation and self worth.

Ironically, when I actually manage to find a girl that has a life of her own and understands where I'm coming from, she wants nothing to do with me.

So here I sit.

 

[Nyktimos]

Being with my girlfriend, which is the first long term relationship I've had, I found once the initial passion and interest had worn off I simply didn't have the time to do the things I enjoy.

I've been hesitant to start relationships because of things like this. I don't have the time to devote every waking minute to someone. I have a job and several other important tasks to perform.

Don't be too hasitant. That passion and interest I talked about involved masses amounts of sex with someone who had two marriages under her belt and knew things no other woman I'd been with knew. Plus, she is willing to try almost anything. And it took four or five years for things to go bad. That's not such a bad way to spend a few years.

 

[nomisfive]

I am regulary rubbishing myself and talking myself down. It's a horrible thing and I try hard not to do it but when it does it just happens.
Living on my own doesn't help and with no one to understand me or talk me through things it means I have to fight hard to find some kind of confidence back.
I can even start doubting the things that I am really good with.

The only time my mind is clear of any problems is when I am out under a dark starry sky enjoying my hobby of astronomy. It's the only time I feel happy. I suppose I should be greatful that I have something that helps, even if just a little and for a limited time.

 

[Twitchy]

Don't be too hasitant. That passion and interest I talked about involved masses amounts of sex with someone who had two marriages under her belt and knew things no other woman I'd been with knew. Plus, she is willing to try almost anything. And it took four or five years for things to go bad. That's not such a bad way to spend a few years.

Sex appears to be available to me if I want it. I eventually had to be drawn illustrations and sit through a puppet show explaining it's availability, but I did finally figure it out. Yes, I am that dense.

Finding someone compatible that I can be with for the long haul? Much more complicated. There's no puppet show for that.

 

[Luke_S]

I've also been getting a feeling like this, as I posted in the 'Weird things you do due to loneliness' I posted;

"I often catch myself contemplating things instead of actually doing them. Such as earlier I thought to myself,

"hmmm, what should I do tonight?..watch a dvd...that would be 2 hours used up....could do something else..."

Thats pretty much what the thought process goes like when I think in a 'detatched sense' because I often see myself from the third person perspective, almost as if I'm someone else judging what I'm thinking of doing next. Its a really stupid thing to do and wastes a lot of energy, its a habit I need to get out of.

"I'm sorry, it's not JUST the relationship stuff, there's more as well, but I end up comparing myself to others despite telling myself not to. Like I said, I find myself bored with a lot of things"

I also get this, I often think whats the point in starting something if someone has already done it? But I know I shouldnt try to be like anyone else, I should be me, and therefore whatever I do wouldn't really be comparable since it would be unique to who I am.

I've also been thinking I might be slightly bi-polar, but what makes it strange is that I am totally conscious of myself when my mood changes, I am conscious of almost everything I do and I wish I wasn't, my mind is almost in a constant mode of overthinking activities and situations to the point where I get sick of doing them even before I begin.

Time seems to be a growing issue for me, but the more I think about time, the more I seem to waste it thinking of how I can use it to the best way possible. I don't know why but I've started to begin seeing life as some kind of huge race to the finish and therefore I find it hard to concentrate on one thing at a time or I find it hard to 'loose myself' in things which is what I am yearning for.

I know any great thinker would be capable of such amazing feats if they just learned how to use this instrument they call the brain wisely, I read that the Brain is just like any other organ in the body, and we are exploiting it by being addicted to bad thought patterns, and the strange thing is its usually the smarter people that suffer even more.

Think of all the famous artists out there, so so many of them were known to show symptoms of depression but they able to create the best work throughout the history of mankind, the mind is a tricky thing but I totally agree with what Crow says, acceptance is the key towards happiness, to be one with yourself and everything around you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Yes,

I'm there as will as far trying to use my brain wisley.

Even though the past 2 years of my life had been sort of rough.
I allow myself to process my emotions and pains instead of running from them.

The reason I did this was because in previous death issues in my life..I simply
didn't process any of it. 2 years later I ended up having a break down anyways.
I couldn't accept it for what it was. I bascailly numb myself out with sex and gambling.

At time piont in time, it's been a year since Jenni died. I belive I process or grieved for her.
However ..it's almost became chornic or an addictive parttern to not being able to move
on with my life..or if I think too much about it...I'll pretty much feel like a loser and that
negative downward spirial will set in.

Lately for the past week i found myself crying alot if anyone ask me about Jenni or even mention
her name. It just retriggers alot of emotional pains or patterns. I allow my self to cry 5-10 mins.
I'm accepting this...this is whats happening with my brain.
The difference today is I won't allow myself to go into a depression or beat up myself.
I've been using a LET GO program to help.

What I'm trying to say is ..I'm withdrawing from grieving.
I'm not so much letting go of Jenni toay...I'm letting go of the greiving/depression. ( i hope that makessence)
I have to keep it simple like that...if not, I'll complicate the **** out of everything and try to out smart myself

Aonther way for me to look at it is..
It's the samething after I go through a relationship break up...I don't want to get involve again because I'm afraid I might get hurt.
The same principle is happen to me or my brain process Jenni's death in the same manner.
I don't want to go on with my life, live and be happy becuase I'm afriad if I go on and be happy people will die on me anyway and
ultimately I'll get hurt again.

Then I go into that.." it's fucken piontless" thinking.
No...no...it's not wise to think like that..lol