I just cant find a solution to this

[eris]

Yeah, its another 4 AM morning for eris, I cant sleep and I just cant stop thinking about stuff. This stuff and other stuff just circles around in my brain and I need to spit it out.

Ok, so I really havent seen any threads go into the whole gay/straight issue, but this seems like a really open place full of tolerant people.

Well, let me just see how tolerant you all can be.

So, eris has a secret. A few of you know, but I just cant shut up about it anymore. I was born female. I have a female shape, a female face.

But I dont know if Im really a girl.

When I was really little I can remember playing being a boy. I had certain clothes I would wear and I was boy. There were days I was a boy. I didnt really think about this much. Then when I was about 10 and everyone started getting crushes on other kids, I had crushes on other girls ! I felt really really weird about this so I tried not to think about it too much. I never felt right as a girl. I really never ever wore any skirts or dresses. When I was about 15 I started liking boys

CONGRATULATIONS !

YOURE FINALLY NORMAL !

And as many of you can easily read in some of my posts I really am into dudes. but I like girls equally. From about 16 or so I was an open and practicing bisexual.

But this isnt about that.

I wear mens clothes. Really. I did not even wear a dress at my wedding. It would be really really awful If I had to wear a dress. If I were to show cleveage or anything I think I would be mortified. I have very short hair and Ive always looked young for my age. For several years in my early twenties i WAS a boy and i DID have a few plastic boy parts and I REALLY was kind of a man. I kind of shoved my way into this clique of other people like this but I never really fit in.

But I AM a girl i guess physically. No one really notices i dress male. Like I said, Im shaped like a girl. Its obvious. I wear make-up sometimes. Not many people even realize I wear mens clothes.


what does my husband say ?

i was talking to him about this earlier. He just kind of glazes over. He looks at me and tries to be supportive but he doesnt like it. Im not dumb. I realize he doesnt like it.


Now, in life im really more a woman I guess. Im really more into men lately. I think it is my age and my biological clock and what-not


So, what. Am I like a tranny ? I thought those were men in dresses. I do really like the idea of a man in a dress. These are usually the sorts of men I tend to fancy.

So maybe I am a man in a dress in a womans body that doesnt like dresses ?

but I really do not feel comfortable calling myself a female........ and I kind of want one of ....those...things. you know.

does it even matter ?

I keep thinking about this stuff more and more instead of less, and I really just want to figure things out.

____________________________

Im just feeling really down

really depressed

I dont know myself at all


i really need some support



.

 

[tehdreamer]

Being trans isn't just guys in dresses. That's called cross dressing It's about being born into the wrong gender.

But it seems to me that you don't really hate your gender, just the gender roles placed on being female. You might be more comfortable with the label of "gender neutral" or "neutrios" or "genderqueer". But it's all just a label and you shouldn't worry too much about it. It's just who you are

 

[eris]

thanks

Im not really worried about what to call it, im more worried about what to be

I dont hate being female, i just dont understand myself... and i kind want one of those. you know. I want one of those things.

but,really, just thanks for answering I mean it.

I needed a happy face, or something, tonight

 

[tehdreamer]

Just be yourself. Be happily in the middle of genders. Be genderless. Be whatever. There's nothing wrong with it. If people dont understand, send them to the wiki

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_gender

 

[eris]

"a third sex or gender may represent an intermediate state between men and women, a state of being both (such as "the spirit of a man in the body of a woman"), the state of being neither (neuter), the ability to cross or swap genders, another category altogether independent of male and female"

yeah kind of sounds like me

I think I am more "both" than "neither". If you are talking about the act of physical sex it can get creative. Or it can get really normal.

And I wonder if this is somehow biological. I have found enough of my brothers porn in my life to know he really likes transexuals. he really really likes transexuals

And I really seem to have a large amount of gay people in my family.

I know this shouldnt matter

its just that I keep CHANGING

Really, for about 3 years I was a boy all of the time.

Now I am a housewife.


Im happy, though mostly, just not now

 

[Matej]

I agree with tehdreamer. Be yourself. If you can't identify yourself with either female or male, then don't. And don't care about it. You're a human being, just like everyone else is, and that's all that matters.

About it being normal: well, how do you define normal? Is it common? No. Does it happen? Yes. Will everyone like it? No. Will everyone be against it? No. Is there anything wrong with it? No. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing. And be whoever you want to be, whoever you are.

oh, and.. most important: enjoy it! =)
Be happy, for you can be happy!

 

[eris]

aww thanks matej

A big problem I have is that this is not acceptable behavior in my family.

There are a lot of gay people in my family that are not mentioned with good words.

I wonder just how gay my brother actually is...he is def a little gay

But thanks guys

really

*hugs*

ive figured it out

I am a man in a dress in a womans body that doesnt like dresses

so simple, why didnt i see this before ?

*facepalm*

 

[Matej]

Maybe talk to him? Gather others and stand up together against the oppressive xenophobic/sexualist forces of your family! no?

 

[eris]

hes a jerk he pretends to not like gay people. he is just a jerk "in general", though

or he really does hate gay people and he is pretending all those pretty young men in those magazines are really women

I guess some people have worse problems than me
_____________________________________________________________________________________

my dad is really the one against it.

He gets like angry about gay people

my mother thinks it is not natural

Im really like a daisy spawned from a trash heap.

pure dumpster juice

Thank god for good fertilizer and my golden heart.

pardon me, i think in riddles when i dont sleep

 

[eris]

I used to be friends with a male transvestite He was so pretty. He looked like fiona apple

but he moved to scranton hes got a girlfriend now....he is only like 25 now ><

everyone always moves somewhere

 

[downbythebay]

Hey eris,
first off I just have to say (not sure if you intened to or not), but it seems like you were equating "gay" with transexual, transgender, transvestite, and gender queer. Please don't do that. I am gay and I am not any of those other things. I really hate when people lump them all together. I am gay and I act like a dude, look like a dude, and want to stay a dude 100%. It always bugged me that I, as a gay man, have to be sterotyped as being feminine and also that the acronym for our "community" is LGBT. Why the T? Sexual orientation (ie, gay, lesbian, bisexual) is a totally different thing than transsexual. I will admit that I do not understand transsexual people and it bothers me not because I am intolerant, but because I feel like it is similar to having a community of people of asian heritage called CJMI - Chinese, Japanese, Malaysian, and Irish. None are bad, it's just Irish is something that does not have a definitive link to the others. For argument's sake, why not just make it LGBS (lesbian, gay, bisexual, straight). Those are all sexual orientations at least. I don't know, this is not meant to offend, it's just how I feel.
As far as your situation, I always believed in live and let live. In my personal opinion, I would never be anything trans, I feel the way I was made is the way I was meant to be. But, you should do whatever you want that makes you feel fulfilled within the guidelines of whatever morality you may follow. Who cares what other people think? The decisions you are torn over are personal ones only. If you want to be a guy for a few years, then be a girl, and then be both, I guess go for it if that's how you feel, you'll just be lying to yourself otherwise. I would probably discuss it with your husband first though if you haven't already, just to let him know. Ultimately, I think, everyone's goal is to sit back at the end of life knowing we hurt as little people as possible, did as much good as possible, and fulfilled who we were meant to be. Keep these things in mind with your decisions and I don't see how you could go wrong

 

[tehdreamer]

I think T is included because they face the same discriminatory acts as LGB people and some trans people are LGB. In my state, you can get fired from your job if you don't identify as your biological gender. Same bullcrap LGB people face.

Swiped from wiki:

In modern usage, the term LGBT is intended to emphasize a diversity of "sexuality and gender identity‐based cultures" and is sometimes used to refer to anyone who is non‐heterosexual instead of exclusively to people who are homosexual, bisexual, or transgender. To recognize this inclusion, a popular variant adds the letter Q for queer or those questioning their sexual identity (e.g., "LGBTQ").

 

[eris]

Hey eris,
first off I just have to say (not sure if you intened to or not), but it seems like you were equating "gay" with transexual, transgender, transvestite, and gender queer.

yeah I am gay because I like a the ****ies. I am transgendered because I want to be a dude. I use both because I AM both

One is about sexual prefference, one about sexual identity, and Im pretty sure im both

____________________________________________

tehdreamer - yeah, i dont really talk about these things when I would work somewhere. I dont think any job asked me such questions. I think if I claimed I was a male no one would believe me



,

I would probably discuss it with your husband first though if you haven't already

yeah, he knows everything about me but really doesnt get it
,

 

[downbythebay]

I think T is included because they face the same discriminatory acts as LGB people and some trans people are LGB. In my state, you can get fired from your job if you don't identify as your biological gender. Same bullcrap LGB people face.

Swiped from wiki:

In modern usage, the term LGBT is intended to emphasize a diversity of "sexuality and gender identity‐based cultures" and is sometimes used to refer to anyone who is non‐heterosexual instead of exclusively to people who are homosexual, bisexual, or transgender. To recognize this inclusion, a popular variant adds the letter Q for queer or those questioning their sexual identity (e.g., "LGBTQ").

There are a lot of groups discriminated against, that's not why the T is included. They are supposed to be tied by a common thread of sexuality, whereas I believe that sexuality and gender identity are two totally different things. At the college I went to, the group was called LGBTQQIA - lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, and ally.

Gay is not "sexual preference", it is sexual orientation. Trust me, I would not prefer to be gay if the choice was offered to me at birth.

Also, eris, I hope you found my input in the second paragraph useful

 

[eris]

I dont see the difference between the wording of sexual prefference and sexual orientation.

I mean, I never really felt accepted by anyone of these groups but

my prefference is my orientation.

I wouldnt knock someones you know around if I didnt prefer it



I really hope this thread does not get caught up on silly words

I grew up many many years ago in the country and it was all just queer back then

 

[downbythebay]

silly words? Sorry, but words definitely count 100% when talking about these things

what do you mean "knock someones you know around"?

 

[eris]

no i really dont think labels about these things really matter

I mean I wouldnt mess around happily with someones genitals if I wasnt into the equipment.

When I was like 10 all I knew is that lesbians were women and women together, and it made sense to me then

Im still trying to figure who I am out

 

[downbythebay]

Labels matter to me with this, after all, you're asking about your own struggles on what to label yourself. I wouldn't want to be called straight, lesbian, bisexual, queer, intersex, transgender, transexual, transvestite, or anything else because I am none of those things. To many people these labels matter or else there would be no LGBTQQIA communities... we would just all be people with nothing like that. Sadly, in today's world words do matter

 

[eris]

im NOT worried about how to label myself

Im worried about how to live my life honestly and totally

I want to become myself

and i never said anything about what it was like to be gay man. I have no idea about what that is

 

[downbythebay]

"But I dont know if Im really a girl."
"I had certain clothes I would wear and I was boy"
"From about 16 or so I was an open and practicing bisexual"
"For several years in my early twenties i WAS a boy"
"I REALLY was kind of a man"
"Now, in life im really more a woman I guess"
"Am I like a tranny ?"
"maybe I am a man in a dress in a womans body"
"I really do not feel comfortable calling myself a female"

Sorry, but your entire post is about words and what to label yourself. Just saying.