I need a friend

[Kikidvm]

I've been really struggling lately. I am married and love my husband but maybe I messed up. Love isn't always enough. I can't talk to him. He has such a hard time with anxiety and depression. I just manage to upset him every day and he runs away to play his games or read and I'm left to cry alone because my husband can't stand tobe around me. He says he loves me and wants to make this work but then he gets upset again. I try to censor myself carefully but something always slips. I don't ask to do anything with him because he feels guilty and obligated to do it and then we wind up having a miserable time. So I wait for him to suggest something he wants to do. He is so fearful about not having money for retirement so he struggles to find things to do together that are free. I'm trying to find other friends but I'm in this void. My married friends are always too busy. Mostly I just need a best friend. One i an tell my troubles to or talk about my day. I hate being the source of his misery but no matter how much I try I fail to make him happy.
I tried to arrange to spend my birthday without him. I made plans to do things I liked. I told him he didn't have to come several times. I knew he didn't like it. I wanted to go to my favorite restaurant which he hate because it is expensive. So I talked my mom into taking me and went for half price happy hour prices. Afterwards we were to go to a free concert in the park. He insisted he wanted to come. So he did. He got upset by the restaurant prices. He got upset by the crowds at the concert. He was completely miserable so made me miserable. I wanted to go without him but he said he felt he had to because it was my birthday. I just wish he wasn't so depressed all the time. I wish I made him happy. He is so wonderful when he is happy. But seeing that person is so rare.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to ALL.

There is nothing messed up about you and his misery is not on you. That lies entirely with him. You can't make someone else happy if they don't want to be happy. It sounds like he is trying, so it sounds like he genuinely does love you and wants to make it work, but it also sounds like he has his own problems that he needs to work through, that don't have anything to do with you.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'm not one with good advice in this area. But I do feel your sadness and pain in your post. You can vent it all here, I hope it helps some and maybe there are others here who can help in some possible way. I just wanted to give you a warm virtual hug *hugs*

 

[mintymint]

Welcome to the site. I hope you can find something worthwhile here.

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site.

 

[Balthier]

Hello Kikidvm,

Sorry for your situation, i know it's hard to cheer someone up, and not being able to do so, I've passed to a similar situation in the past.

Was he alway like this when you first met him? Do you have any idea what may have caused him to become so "miserable" as he is right now?

 

[Kikidvm]

Thanks. He has always had this problem. But it seems so much worse lately. I could have some fun with him before but now it is so much rarer to see him happy. I did start censoring myself early on though. He had made it clear from the beginning he didn't want to hear about any of my problems because it would upset him. He only wanted to hear the happy parts of my day. By the same token he doesn't watch the news or certain movies/tv shows which is fine. But that leaves me without anyone to tell my troubles to. I'm a girl. We like to let off steam sometimes when we are upset.
I also have never been able to cheer him up when he's upset, even when it is not about me. It is so hard to think the person I love doesn't get comfort and consolation about his bad days from me. When he is unhappy he just wants to be alone and since that is so much of the time now I rarely spend time with him.
Anyway. I've started looking for groups to join so that I can both have some fun in my life again and maybe I can find a new friend that I can hang out with regularly and talk. Hopefully someone single. It's just hard to hang out with married ppl because they always have to spend time with spouses and that upsets me. I hate hearing from them that their husbands are wanting more time with them when I don't have that in my relationship. Mine usually complains that he needs mostly more time alone. One day or evening a week with him is as much as he can handle and that usually feels to me like he considers that a burden.

 

[Balthier]

I think I already know the answer to this question, but has he considered some kind of professional help?

And I don't know if people do this, but what about if you seek professional help, to help you deal with him? Maybe this way, with professional advice, you will be able to help him deal with this stuff. I mean, there's a small chance this will happen, but you may learn something that when applied to his life, or your behavior, will trigger some willingnes to change on him. The chances may be dim, it's a chacne nonetheless. I'm in love with a girl, and i will try my best to be with her, so i can imagine how feel.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Welcome to the Forum! =)

 

[Kikidvm]

Welcome to the Forum! =)

The cobain quote reminds me of something I was thinking today after another miserable evening. Only in reverse. He hates who I am. When I am me, I irritate him so I try to be someone I am not. I want him to hate something I did and not just that I irritate him.
Today he asked if I wanted help with the baby. I didn't answer him right away. I was trying to think of what he really wanted and what I wanted and what would make him happy. So he went to make a sandwich. After he ate I tried to hand him the baby to give me a break. He took her but left with her to go sulk. after about thirty minutes knowing he was upset I went to take her back. I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep knowing that he was so angry with me for some reason. It turns out he was angry that I didn't have an immediate answer to his question about if I wanted help.
If he was mad at me for something specific i do I could handle that more easily than him being frustrated with my personality. I'm slow and deliberate and he has made me more so which means I don't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts or opinions without considering them first. Also he is mad because he was telling me he was frustrated with someone in a store so in a bad mood. I tried saying at least I won't do what that guy in the store did. He was angry with me because I wasn't listening to him. He WANTED me to acknowledge he was in a bad mood and not try to commiserate by saying I understood why he would be frustrated with that guy at the store.
He keeps saying he loves me but that I have to change. He says he is trying to change so I should too. I HAVE changed. In so many ways that I hate. But it is hard to change how i talk and how i act. I can change things i do. I can give up things, etc. but to change my personality so that I don't irritate him? We go to marriage counseling but he still doesn't want to be around me very often. The counseling helps us talk about specific things that make him mad but doesn't stop him from being mad the next time.

 

[LonesomeLoner]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Welcome

 

[Balthier]

It sure looks like a difficult situation...Although i dont have any advice for you right now, know that whenever you feel like posting, please do it. We are listening.