I pushed him away........?

[Despicable Me]

Sometimes I feel that men only love and cherish certain women and they look for women like me to have fun and just spend some time until they find a beautiful worthy woman.

In my 'opinion', there are some men that love and cherish 'certain women' and there are some that look for women for fun, but not both.
If a guy loves and cherishes 'certain women', its because those women are the ones he wants to be with. This could certainly include you if you find the right guy.
If a guy wants women for fun, then he's really never going to love anyone, to be honest. He sees women as objects and may prefer to go after certain women because he thinks he loves them, but what he really believes is that he can have more fun with them. A guy that uses women like that is not capable of love until he learns to stop using them. And a guy who knows how to love is not going to want to use any women at all.
The same really applies to women, as well. Women can obviously be just as loving or just as abusive.

The guy like you were with before obviously just uses women. The only reason he was more interested in that 'beautiful italian woman' is because he is superficial and it's the type of beauty that he prefers. Do you really think he could ever "love" her if he was with her? There's a reason he isn't with her now. He says you're not attractive, after being with you, due to his own messed up issues and insecurities because he is a messed up person. That's why you're better off without him. You want a real man, don't you? Not some insecure, superficial guy who can't really love anyone.

And you may want to ask yourself why you really ended up with a loser like that in the first place. Is it because you fell for his charms, or is it because you liked the way he looked a lot enough that you allowed yourself to be put into that position.
And I'm certainly not blaming you for anything, but I have noticed that a lot of lonely/desperate people seem to often look for love "in all the wrong places". It may be worth looking at yourself and answering the question of whether you fit into that category or not. Maybe you're not, but if you are then acknowledging it and looking for ways around it would probably benefit you.

[quote='I|]It sounds to me like you have some confidence issues, which is not entirely unexpected...most people that I know (men and women, both) have self-esteem issues. (Honestly, understanding that helped me get past some of my own issues - just realize that other people are just as weirded out about their self-esteem as yourself, they're just better at ignoring it and not letting on.)

I used to have quite a few emotional problems myself - anxiety, depression, you know, the usual. I was able to work through my issues the same way that I clean a really messy house: Start with what you CAN do. Fix the things that are fixable, and then re-evaluate your situation. Obviously YMMV, but it sounds to me like you've got a lot more hope than you think. [/quote]
A lot of people do have confidence issues, but interestingly enough pretty much everyone actually has emotional issues. Even 'successful' people who seem very secure in themselves can have some pretty major ones. Just look at famous people like Kurt Cobain and Robin Williams for examples of that. But people's issues are not always depression. There are so many different kinds of emotional issues and it's basically impossible to list every type. Even people who seem very "normal" tend to have many issues they genuinely have to live with. It's not just the "lonely", and it's not just "tortured artists", it is basically everyone.

The self-esteem issues themselves often come about through these emotional issues, which is why you see so many people here with both low self-esteem and emotional issues they can't seem to get past.

In reality there probably is no actual division between people with 'emotional issues' and 'normal people'. There are only some people who deal with them better than others. Everyone seems to have them. And the sooner society and people in general learn to accept this fact the sooner we can all actually start trying to deal with them on a practical, rather than a personal, level.

So if anyone here feels lonely or afraid because of their 'emotional baggage', let me tell you something: You're definitely not alone.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I saw your picture and I don't think you are ugly either, lmph8885. I think it's like 58 Voyager said - if you grow up hearing something enough from people around you, you will start to believe it, especially in your young, formative years. This can work for either good or bad. I used to think I was ugly too, so I never tried to improve my looks because I thought it was pointless. Now I see I was wrong. My beliefs about my looks came from a general belief that I was just "not good enough" in any given area, and no amount of work could change it. I'm still trying to undo that old belief.

Anyway, no, I don't think you're ugly and I'm glad you don't think you are either. The only tip I can offer is to smile!

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

lmph8885 you're beautiful. I don't think you're ugly at all. Don't listen to what people say to you, sometimes people try to hurt other people by saying lies. There were people in the past who used to say that I was ugly and I started to believe it and it brought me down a lot. Now I'm starting to gain a lot of confidence in myself and not caring what other people think. I'm glad that you don't think you're ugly, you're a smart person.

If you say you have a drinking problem, you might want to cut down on your drinking a little bit so that way you won't get worked up over things in your life. I used to drink a lot back in my 20's but I stopped and now I hardly drink anymore cause I hate the way it makes me feel. If you say you get upset over seeing pictures of guys with other woman, don't react too quickly. You should always ask calmly and see if there still seeing the person first. When I was younger I used to have a jealously problem and get mad if I saw my boyfriend talking to any other girls, but this was cause I wasn't confident in myself. Always ask questions first before you react to things. As for dating, if this guy didn't work out for you than you might find someone else who will work out better for you. Don't give up hope!

 

[TheSkaFish]

If you say you have a drinking problem, you might want to cut down on your drinking a little bit so that way you won't get worked up over things in your life. I used to drink a lot back in my 20's but I stopped and now I hardly drink anymore cause I hate the way it makes me feel. If you say you get upset over seeing pictures of guys with other woman, don't react too quickly. You should always ask calmly and see if there still seeing the person first. When I was younger I used to have a jealously problem and get mad if I saw my boyfriend talking to any other girls, but this was cause I wasn't confident in myself. Always ask questions first before you react to things. As for dating, if this guy didn't work out for you than you might find someone else who will work out better for you. Don't give up hope!

I agree. A person has to get their own life in order before they can date. You have to build a good foundation before you can build your dream house. For the OP, I definitely agree that they should work on quitting drinking and get that under control first. You will only be more confident in your looks with better health.

For me, I have to get a job and some hobbies before I should think about dating. That would be my foundation.

Also I agree that you have to play it cool when talking to people you like, especially when you see them with other people of the opposite sex. You can't get too clingy, because that makes you come off as unattractive. I'm speaking from experience here. I think the best thing to do when the person you like mentions another guy/girl is to just change the subject, or let the subject fade away on its own. You can't let on that it bothers you. Always think before you react to these things.

All in all, great advice Wallflower.

 

[lmph8885]

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate all the advise and help I have got here. These days I have been trying really hard to change certain things. I have tried quitting alcohol many times but have failed. I can do it for several days but then do it again.
Some months ago I did come to the conclusion that alcohol will drive me away from my goals, like not helping me find a decent man that can love me. I've had previous relationships where my ex boyfriends were heavy drinkers too, so this didn't help. I know I must cut down, but I still do it. When I don't drink, I get very depressed that is why I do it. I had not had a drink for days and I have been feeling really down and crying a lot. But then again, it is alcohol that causes many of the problems that make me depressed.
With this guy, when I confronted him I was drunk, I got really angry and lost it completely. If I wouldn't have done it things would have been different. I know it now, but it is too late so I feel very discouraged and think it is useless to acknowledge my mistake now, as the harm has been done and there is nothing I can do to change things.
I do think in the future, but I feel very scared of failing. Right now I am in the hardest part of the process in which I feel really bad but have to deal with it sober. I know if I drink I could make my life and things worse but dealing with this feeling is very hard.
I am so full of anger, which accumulated as I grew up with parents who were always angry and psychologically abusive. What really gets me is rejection especially if it is because of another woman that I consider more attractive. That is what really gets me, feeling inferior than other women. That is why in this case I reacted so aggressively. I don't know how to get rid of my anger problems and the worst part is that it will just lead me to a lonely life because no man would ever love a girl with my bad temper and all my baggage.
I have been able to change my temper over the years, as before I was much worse. But it is still not enough. I know what I have to change, I do try, but still there is a lot to do. I still feel hurt because of what happened to me that I don't feel I have the energy to work on my self. I have been forcing myself even to eat, take a shower, etc. I know I need time. However, I don't know how to get through this and smile, especially because for reasons I won't mention here, I know he is back in the website looking for someone else which breaks my heart.
I am sorry for being negative, I appreciate all the help and I do take into account every reply.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think that eventually you'll find someone who helps you feel like life makes sense. But your aggression may push everyone away. I know you can't control it sometimes, and that it's just how you feel when things happen, but remember that people don't have to put up with that. You can control the things you do and how you treat people.

 

[lmph8885]

I think that eventually you'll find someone who helps you feel like life makes sense. But your aggression may push everyone away. I know you can't control it sometimes, and that it's just how you feel when things happen, but remember that people don't have to put up with that. You can control the things you do and how you treat people.

Thanks. I do understand people don't have to out of with that and that is why I am alone. I agree totally with you. That is also the reason why I have been trying to change for the past years. Before I couldn't even take an order from anyone and now I do. Some people have told me they do notice I have changed. I do understand and know what you are saying and it is true I should control it but I can't, or I feel I can't. I am very scared of failing once more and that is my main concern. Also the fact that I get rejection is not encouraging and being with a low mood makes it hard for me to go on.
Nobody is perfect. I am a good person and I think I do deserve to be loved. I believe that everyone does. I could work and try to reach perfection but that is simply beyond my human capacities. I've seen people that find love and even when as humans they have flaws. It is just that it is so hard to find someone who can understand how I feel and be patient and considerate with me.
With this I am not trying to say that I can treat people the way I want, I do really believe that if I had someone with me I would try to give him all that I got. I don't mistreat people randomly. There are some people that say I am nice. It is just that feeling ugly, unworthy and unloved really gets me. In my case, the alcohol is what gets me in terrible situations and I am working on that.
I think that living is a process in which we all learn and grow as individuals. No matter how much we grow, we will never be perfect but that doesn't mean that we don't deserve love. I see it every day with other couples.
I am not saying that I am right, but if people were more tolerant the world would be different. I also believe that if I find someone, there will be things I would have to put up with as he wont be perfect.
My major concern would be if I would find someone who would love me and accept me as I am.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I am very scared of failing once more and that is my main concern. Also the fact that I get rejection is not encouraging and being with a low mood makes it hard for me to go on.

Failing is not the issue. It's when people refuse to try again. That's when failure defeats them and whatever purpose they set out to have. So keep trying. Failure isn't the opposite of success; It's a part of success.

Also, rejection is natural. I know saying that doesn't automatically make anyone feel better about it, but we're not supposed to get everything we want exactly when we want it. Sometimes, the effort and the work we put into attaining something and achieving something feels better than the actual object.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi,
I just want to say thanks for being so open here on the forum I can't tell you that you'll find a partner - nobody knows where life will lead us. But I appreciate your honesty and it sounds like you have some good insight into your issues, which is a good start to a better life Good luck and keep us updated on how you're doing.

-Teresa