I want to make friends but I end up leaving them..

[advancedip]

I want to make friends but every time they assume I am a loner. I just want to run away. I don't want to be that guy in the group where I am recognized a loner. It's probably the fact that I have so much time on my hands that I want to spend time with them only. Because I have no friends, I want to spend time with them. But it looks like people don't want to be friends with me. The fact that they have to disrespect me. You know how disrespecting it is to be considered a loner. That's why I rather stay home then to be outside alone. What nerves do people have to assume I am a loner? I just want to be your friend and all I hear out of their mouths are "you are naive", "you don't got friends?", or something on these lines. So that's why once you assume this, I just run away from them and never contact them. I rather move to another place and live a new life then to live as a loner. No one in this world wants to be lonely. I just want to know how I can mask my 'loner' persona. I noticed that making friends in college is harder than making friends in high school. So it looks like I am screwed either way. No one on this forums can help me, all I ever get on this forums is encouragement, which I am grateful for. There is people that cares about me and other loners.

 

[Nicolelt]

Why do you find it disrespectful to be "the loner"?

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

So, I take it not much has changed since your last topic.... Not sure what else we can tell you, man.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I can't recall what was said in your other thread, but why not just start a hobby or something, even volunteering that will take you where people are and keep doing that, eventually, you will find some people who talk to you and they could become your friends. I really don't think people can tell you are a loner unless you are very obvious about the fact that you prefer to be alone.

 

[advancedip]

Why do you find it disrespectful to be "the loner"?

Society plays a huge role on the term loner. No one should be proud of being a loner. Society outside of these forums consider us loners as losers. To them, loners and losers means the same thing. We are loners so we try to stay positive and say "we are loners but not losers." It's more of a critique. We need to be critical on how we view ourselves. No one likes be called a loser, no one wants to be stared at because we are losers, and etc.

---

So, I take it not much has changed since your last topic.... Not sure what else we can tell you, man.

It's just a different perspective in a more neutral point of view.

I want to solve this problem before I run out of time.
I don't make friends now, I will never have any REAL friends in the future.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

What exactly is this time crunch you speak of? There is no definitive end to something so long as you don't believe there is.

 

[advancedip]

What exactly is this time crunch you speak of? There is no definitive end to something so long as you don't believe there is.

The time is that it will get harder and harder to make friends as you age. Especially when I am so young that I should be having fun with friends right now. But I can't because I have no friends. So I sit in my room suffering from loneliness.

I can see a lot of people on this forums kind of content on being lonely. I am probably the only loner in the world that fears being lonely. When I read your posts, I feel like it is okay to be a loner but to me I don't like it. I am tried of being lonely. I been alone for my entire 20 years, I probably would be alone until I am 40. If I don't fix my social awkwardness or some reason why people thinks I am a loner.

Is it the way I speak?
Is it the fact that I can't hold a normal conversation because I have nothing to say?
Is it because I am naive so I don't have experience to talk about anything?
I am open minded but how do you converse with people with common topics when you know nothing about the topic?
I feel like there are very few people that enjoys what I do.
What do I enjoy? Not video games. I play video games because I have nothing better to do.
But I like partying, the first time my female friend took me partying. I enjoyed it because surrounded by many people dancing.
I don't have a ambition for dancing but just to go with the flow.

The next friends I want to make.
I have to show them by good side and hide the bad (loner life). But the thing is, once I open my mouth people instantly knows I am a loner.
So I think it's being I am bad at conversing or socially awkward.
I changed and learned a lot of things.
I am not trying to put up a fake persona. Why would I let someone treat me as a loner?
I have self respect.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Everyone has a different pace. Again, I've actually had more luck with finding people in my life as I got older. Just because that seems to be what everyone else is doing or whatever, so what? They're not you.

 

[kaetic]

Maybe you shouldn't just be "sitting in your room 'suffering from loneliness'".
You can go out and have fun on your own, you know? It's pretty much the only way to experience life if you can't go out with friends, do it on your own.
Or would you rather get to forty with the same issues and still no life experiences?

You are not the only person in the world that is afraid of being alone. I can't give you statistics on that, but you aren't.
The thing about fear is, it's something to be overcome. It can help and it can hurt. You need to be able to tell one from the other and you can't do that if you're paralyzed by it. I'm not saying you are, that's for you to figure out.

If any of us were really content being lonely we wouldn't be on this forum. We just aren't going to beat ourselves up for it.

What I think might be going on when you're interacting with others... and again you can decide if I'm right or wrong. It's your life. I think you're going into these interactions with the mindset that they aren't going to like you. And then at the slightest bit of awkwardness your suspicions are confirmed. You're certain that they think you're a loner, they don't like you, maybe you think they are laughing at you sometimes... idk. It's all pretty common when you have social anxiety. But the big part that you can control, is how you go into the conversation and how you choose to interpret the conversation. I used to overthink ever conversation I had at work during the day and even though I thought it went great at the time by the end of the night when I was alone I was certain that they all really hated me and were making fun of me all day. Our minds/emotions can mess with us pretty badly if we let them.

Just try being honest about yourself, and your limitations (if you don't know about a topic don't fake it just admit it, but tell them it's interesting if it is to you) and show interest in the other person(s) don't just talk about yourself the whole time. Listening is great. People love it because it shows a genuine interest on your part.

I hope all this helps... but I also hope that you realize you are not a loser just because you're alone. Even if you were right and other people thought that way about you, you are worth more than other people's opinions of you.

 

[Enpatsu No Shakugan]

Maybe you shouldn't just be "sitting in your room 'suffering from loneliness'".
You can go out and have fun on your own, you know? It's pretty much the only way to experience life if you can't go out with friends, do it on your own.
Or would you rather get to forty with the same issues and still no life experiences?

You are not the only person in the world that is afraid of being alone. I can't give you statistics on that, but you aren't.
The thing about fear is, it's something to be overcome. It can help and it can hurt. You need to be able to tell one from the other and you can't do that if you're paralyzed by it. I'm not saying you are, that's for you to figure out.

If any of us were really content being lonely we wouldn't be on this forum. We just aren't going to beat ourselves up for it.

What I think might be going on when you're interacting with others... and again you can decide if I'm right or wrong. It's your life. I think you're going into these interactions with the mindset that they aren't going to like you. And then at the slightest bit of awkwardness your suspicions are confirmed. You're certain that they think you're a loner, they don't like you, maybe you think they are laughing at you sometimes... idk. It's all pretty common when you have social anxiety. But the big part that you can control, is how you go into the conversation and how you choose to interpret the conversation. I used to overthink ever conversation I had at work during the day and even though I thought it went great at the time by the end of the night when I was alone I was certain that they all really hated me and were making fun of me all day. Our minds/emotions can mess with us pretty badly if we let them.

Just try being honest about yourself, and your limitations (if you don't know about a topic don't fake it just admit it, but tell them it's interest if it is to you) and show interest in the other person(s) don't just talk about yourself the whole time. Listening is great. People love it because it shows a genuine interest on your part.

I hope all this helps... but I also hope that you realize you are not a loser just because you're alone. Even if you were right and other people thought that way about you, you are worth more than other people's opinions of you.

Exactly, going in THINKING you're going to fail is all but going to ensure it.

I actually find people enjoy when someone can just be themselves without really worry if they'll be liked or not, and in turn makes them liked. The quirks about oneself you might abhor might be very electric or even charming to others.

First hand experience on this.

 

[Diagnosed]

Hae you checked If you are picky or somewhat selfish and fussy?

 

[HappyYogi]

I want to make friends but every time they assume I am a loner. I just want to run away. I don't want to be that guy in the group where I am recognized a loner. It's probably the fact that I have so much time on my hands that I want to spend time with them only. Because I have no friends, I want to spend time with them. But it looks like people don't want to be friends with me. The fact that they have to disrespect me. You know how disrespecting it is to be considered a loner. That's why I rather stay home then to be outside alone. What nerves do people have to assume I am a loner? I just want to be your friend and all I hear out of their mouths are "you are naive", "you don't got friends?", or something on these lines. So that's why once you assume this, I just run away from them and never contact them. I rather move to another place and live a new life then to live as a loner. No one in this world wants to be lonely. I just want to know how I can mask my 'loner' persona. I noticed that making friends in college is harder than making friends in high school. So it looks like I am screwed either way. No one on this forums can help me, all I ever get on this forums is encouragement, which I am grateful for. There is people that cares about me and other loners.

Hmmmmm.  Not everyone rejects the loner.  I don't.  I think people who don't understand loners or who fear it do reject it but those who do understand it don't.  What they don't get is you can be a very nice person and be a loner.  It doesn't make you mean or unpleasant. It just means you spend more time by yourself than average.  Did you know very intelligent people tend to be more loners?   It's true. I am wondering if your lack of acceptance of who you are is the issue.  Try accepting who you are, and stop attaching a negative to it and see what happens. I've had loner boyfriends I have loved and adored.

 

[JJW]

I want to make friends but every time they assume I am a loner. I just want to run away. I don't want to be that guy in the group where I am recognized a loner. It's probably the fact that I have so much time on my hands that I want to spend time with them only. Because I have no friends, I want to spend time with them. But it looks like people don't want to be friends with me. The fact that they have to disrespect me. You know how disrespecting it is to be considered a loner. That's why I rather stay home then to be outside alone. What nerves do people have to assume I am a loner? I just want to be your friend and all I hear out of their mouths are "you are naive", "you don't got friends?", or something on these lines. So that's why once you assume this, I just run away from them and never contact them. I rather move to another place and live a new life then to live as a loner. No one in this world wants to be lonely. I just want to know how I can mask my 'loner' persona. I noticed that making friends in college is harder than making friends in high school. So it looks like I am screwed either way. No one on this forums can help me, all I ever get on this forums is encouragement, which I am grateful for. There is people that cares about me and other loners.

I read in your post references to "them" and "they".  Don't expect to fit into a group.  Find one person able to befriend you and build on that relationship.  In my experience sharing quality time with someone has always been more rewarding than fitting into a group.

What are your interests?  Go there.  What are your capabilities?  Go there.  Nothing opens the door to friendship faster than helping someone that needs it.

 

[Silence Is Deafening]

Hi, I'm new, again... sorry... dunno how to quote

First thing I noticed reading your post is that you said loner, lonely, or alone, about 93 times

Try not to use this term so much as you will undoubtedly simply come to identify yourself as that and nothing else. Being a loner - by choice or by nature - is just one trait. That one trait does not define you. 

Is it the way I speak? 
I seriously doubt it but I can imagine you may think so. Everybody hates their own voice. 

Is it the fact that I can't hold a normal conversation because I have nothing to say?

You should take heed on what the others have advised. If you have nothing to say now, and do nothing for another twenty years, you'll still have nothing to say when youre 40. Dont just look for hobbies you enjoy, look into hobbies youve never tried. Thats where you'll really find interest. Having no hobbies means you've an ocean of self discovery befoe you. Dive in, mate! There's something out there for everone. If you think thats cliche its because its true. Team games. Dragonboating is an epic team sport and where me and 5 other strangers became proper besties. I was 35 when we met. Its never too late to try out hobbies, but its never too early either. Come out that comfort zone because thats the limit of your potential. The more you come out of your comfort zone, the bigger your potential becomes.

Is it because I am naive so I don't have experience to talk about anything?
See above. Naivety doesn't come into it I don't think.

I am open minded but how do you converse with people with common topics when you know nothing about the topic?
I don't usually. This is my que to go the bar, nip the loo, oooooor..... ASK THEM TO EXPLAIN IT! Listening is more important than yapping. Don't underestimate it. Having someone explain something to you is a fantastic means of imviting yourself into a conversation. People like explaining things. Especially men. Ask the girls, you'll see! People love being teachers. Listen to tjem. Don't just hear. They will teach you what you don't know. But also, dont take it for granted
 Go home and double check on internet before passing it on. Perhaps when you see that person sometimes you might have some opinions of your own.

I feel like there are very few people that enjoys what I do.
What do you do? Being alone is not an activity, buddy. When alone, draw, write, read, learn, learn a new language!!! Its not hard and will impress people. As above, you can then help me ppl learn aslects of this new language on a trivial, yet entertaining basis. I am also an awful dancer. I am so bad i literally dance just to get a laugh from people.

The next friends I want to make.
I have to show them by good side and hide the bad (loner life). But the thing is, once I open my mouth people instantly knows I am a loner.
There is no loner voice. All loners look different, sound different, and act different. 

So I think it's being I am bad at conversing or socially awkward.
Find hobbies. Go out. Do things that make you feel awkward. When we feel awkward its due to inexperience. The more you expose yourself to an awkward situation, the less awkward you will feel. The way ahead is awkward buddy, but remember, every situation you are in wont be your last, and the next time you will be better.

I have self respect.
Then respect you have much homework to do. All the above, mate! best of luck

 

[Winter Fire]

I have similar problems. I think you should stop caring what other people's think. When you care less about what others think, people start to treat you more respectfully. By the way, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying let them treat you with disrespect. Don't let them cross your personal boundaries. But you should be less sensitive and you should know your worth.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I can relate to you.  You smell, so you need a shower; but, you don't want to go into that shower with the reason being you smell.

I look at people like the comedian Jack Black.  He brings joy to people, has a wonderful vibe to him anytime he appears publicly, makes people smile, and makes people laugh.  He's just a fun loving guy and people find him funny and fun.

...BUT, I'm not like that.  I don't think I could be like that if I trained for 10 years to be like that.  You are what you are.

Fortunately, there ARE people who are kind and understanding.  There are even people who could see your situation, your place; but, also see you as the potential person you could be if you were lifted up out of that place.  Will you meet such people.  I haven't yet.  I think, I don't know, but I think, you have to be the person you are, on the one hand, and you also have to be the person you see and feel yourself to be.  For example, perhaps you are paralyzed from waist down.  I can't imagine how challenging that would be; I couldn't come close.  However, the fact would be, in that case, you have a disability.  However, you may feel yourself not to be disabled.  So, I think in that case, it would make the most sense to be who you are, who you feel yourself to be.  People might stare, people might be, 'extra nice,' around you; but, at the end of the day, you may feel as normal as anyone else; and that's the person you should be.  I imagine if that's what I was dealing with, I would probably be very hopeless, feel sorry for myself, and be focusing entirely on all the things I can't do, as opposed to what I can do; but, if I at least felt myself to be normal, and like everyone else; I think that would be the best place to start.

If you do not feel you are a loner.  Be the person you feel yourself to be.  If you are wrongly convicted of a crime you didn't commit, and the whole world sees you as an awful person; what other choice would you have than to be the person you know yourself to be, and fight for that?

So, that's what I do lately.  Family, friends, or so called friends may treat me this way or that; but, I know who I feel myself to be.  Maybe I'm deluding myself; but, I'd rather be who I know myself to be, than what the world is ready to tell me I am.  Some criticism can be very vital to take; if you think you are god's gift to the world, and people try to persuade you that you are just, 'one of many of god's gifts to the world,' then yes, you probably think a little to highly of yourself; but, that's something different.

Maybe you are short and skinny; but you feel like you are huge, buff, and tough.  Or perhaps you are short and skinny and bullied a lot; but, you want not to be in that position.  In such situations there are 2 fronts.  The first front is accepting what is; the second front is working to change that; and I think you have to put effort into both fronts; and I think, you will find that, which ever front you choose to dedicate more resources to, will yield the same results.  Perhaps you will radically just accept who you are, and focus on that, become wealthy some day through hard work and determination and putting up with people, and find yourself in a position of power over others.  Or, perhaps you will hit the gym tough, take up martial arts, and learn the art of war; thus, becoming a formidable force for anyone who wants to mess with you again.  Or, perhaps you will do neither; and learn to deal with the external forces, internally, such that, they don't have so much control over your internal state.  Maybe you just end up working at a gas station, and people still give you a hard time now and then; but, you have a rich world away from the one that harrasses you on the regular.

So, accept what is, and work to change it.  It's all you can do.  And if you can't do either, like me, then what else can you do?

It's so easy to, 'say,' things, though, and for me, seemingly impossible to, 'do,' anything about it; but, just because there is a mountain blocking the path of some train tracks; doesn't mean there isn't a way through, just takes some time, and some ingenuity...  All that fun stuff about life...

 

[Finished]

^ So, accept what is, and learn to work with it.

 

[morrowrd]

I want to make friends but every time they assume I am a loner. I just want to run away. I don't want to be that guy in the group where I am recognized a loner. It's probably the fact that I have so much time on my hands that I want to spend time with them only. Because I have no friends, I want to spend time with them. But it looks like people don't want to be friends with me. The fact that they have to disrespect me. You know how disrespecting it is to be considered a loner. That's why I rather stay home then to be outside alone. What nerves do people have to assume I am a loner? I just want to be your friend and all I hear out of their mouths are "you are naive", "you don't got friends?", or something on these lines. So that's why once you assume this, I just run away from them and never contact them. I rather move to another place and live a new life then to live as a loner. No one in this world wants to be lonely. I just want to know how I can mask my 'loner' persona. I noticed that making friends in college is harder than making friends in high school. So it looks like I am screwed either way. No one on this forums can help me, all I ever get on this forums is encouragement, which I am grateful for. There is people that cares about me and other loners.

When I realized how I had developed a pattern of estrangements when I was younger (high school), I decided that I was a "loner" and was ok with it. Immediately I felt a weight lift.  Being a loner isn't a bad thing, and if you are one....an unwilling one, you will eventually have to learn to embrace it, or continue in frustration.   I created a life system that works in lonership, learned to navigate the social world at my leisure.  I recommend you do the same thing, maybe start out with some books, like Suzette Hayden Elgin's books for a foundation - it will give you some nice tools for navigation of the social world yet you can keep things at arms length.

I've been a loner my whole life.  I thought something was wrong with me in my youth, and banged my head against the wall and kept trying to fit in and felt like I was in a squirrel cage.  Once I decided, I'm going to be ok with being a loner, I felt better. To this day, I find it easier to make enemies than friends....so I am hyper sensitive with boundaries. There's alot more to this, and I'm willing to talk more with you if you would like.

 

[Finished]

^ Smart! That's reality! Also, people suck why would you want to be friends with them any way.

 

[Myra]

"I want to make friends but I end up leaving them.."
How do you leave a friend? Ghost them? Tell them you don't want to hang out anymore?