I was unsure where to put this

[SlavicNa97]

It is after christian modern holidays so I can get a bit more active, I have some headache so it is another thing but mainly by that I wasn't in 2nd day where family came over, I feel some useless (I haven't my own life, for what to sit down there? Only to eat? I have nothing to tell about..) and I had before eve and now it is stronger that I want to cry af. I know that I look some like **** but I know how it works in me (overating from family situation, I am sure about it because whenever I got a chance for calm time, I knew family is somewhere else for a while I could relax and I wasn't hungry or if I was, it was on normal, healthy level). I would like to work on myself, on body, I have plans for future but ofc I am locked like in a jail saying shortly.

I am on one dating platform Boo and kinda I was gaining a bit self-esteem and I matched with some people (I am the most hopeful about 1 but I texted 9 days ago and still I am waiting for a response, he is also introvert, I know it is "busy season" but still I feel some like Idk how to be to start talking and I keep waiting, I saw him often online).

Since a while I am attracted also to one bigger influencer for some reasons and I think we could be good but I know that I am low with it what I can to offer, I am not even after studies because of the "jail" (I am 27), I haven't normal work and I haven't normal course for anything. I have much dreams even about diving, kayaking courses. I have my own ideas for myself but saying simply I would like to break free and live on my own, start to live, get in dating deeper like more seriously. If I was on my own, I was working on myself, I would update photos on Boo, I would start with IG in my folk style and I would text even to the influencer.. Idk I feel in general super low and I feel by that in some way quilty that I am not able to give more in talks as a friend because of the very very low mood..

Kinda I feel more introvert but at the same time I don't want to be all alone, I want to scream and curse christian god about everything..

 

[littlefish555]

Good luck with the online dating and the exercise plans. I have big plans too to start doing 15 minute mat pilates videos again on youtub, but same, I feel like the winter depression hole my brain is in really delays all the healthy things.

I'm not sure I understand, what is stopping you from uploading your pictures to the dating site or instagram?

 

[SlavicNa97]

Good luck with the online dating and the exercise plans. I have big plans too to start doing 15 minute mat pilates videos again on youtub, but same, I feel like the winter depression hole my brain is in really delays all the healthy things.

I'm not sure I understand, what is stopping you from uploading your pictures to the dating site or instagram?

It is more about it that I am not on my own. If I was and had a nice work what I could to choose on my own, I would start with lifestyle what I am into and buy clothes what I like. Then I could. Also I would need to be much slimmer to make it work better

 

[147]

I can see that you're waiting for everything in your "outer" world to change first, so you can feel free to become the person you would like to be. That's a mistake right there, and it's not how it works (even though mankind has been brainwashed into believing that that's how it works).

There is absolutely NOTHING that is stopping you from making any change you want *inside* yourself. You're just used to seeing yourself in this one way, as this one persona, and you think that is determined by your outer world. It's not. Internally, you can be any persona that you like. You can start seeing yourself as a completely new person.

You can even start doing workouts in your room. I do that all the time. Every workout I do, I do at home. And don't tell me your room is too small, because I assure you there's still plenty of exercises you can do.

As for clothing, your family doesn't allow you to wear the clothes you want? Or is that just a story you're telling yourself?
Same with your ambitions for doing things online (Instagram; other places?). I don't see how anything could stop you from getting started on that *right now*. Honestly, and I know this from personal experience of course, most of the stories we're telling about our lives are just excuses for not doing what we want to be doing.

I understand your living situation is not ideal, but I would beg you to really go within and analyse some of these stories you hold on to! You might be surprised what you find! You may find that you have, in fact, the freedom to change considerably more things than you're allowing yourself to believe right now.

Don't focus on the things that bind you, because you won't see anything else. Focus on the things you can do, and the things that can go right.

Love and Light to you

 

[SlavicNa97]

I can see that you're waiting for everything in your "outer" world to change first, so you can feel free to become the person you would like to be. That's a mistake right there, and it's not how it works (even though mankind has been brainwashed into believing that that's how it works).

There is absolutely NOTHING that is stopping you from making any change you want *inside* yourself. You're just used to seeing yourself in this one way, as this one persona, and you think that is determined by your outer world. It's not. Internally, you can be any persona that you like. You can start seeing yourself as a completely new person.

You can even start doing workouts in your room. I do that all the time. Every workout I do, I do at home. And don't tell me your room is too small, because I assure you there's still plenty of exercises you can do.

As for clothing, your family doesn't allow you to wear the clothes you want? Or is that just a story you're telling yourself?
Same with your ambitions for doing things online (Instagram; other places?). I don't see how anything could stop you from getting started on that *right now*. Honestly, and I know this from personal experience of course, most of the stories we're telling about our lives are just excuses for not doing what we want to be doing.

I understand your living situation is not ideal, but I would beg you to really go within and analyse some of these stories you hold on to! You might be surprised what you find! You may find that you have, in fact, the freedom to change considerably more things than you're allowing yourself to believe right now.

Don't focus on the things that bind you, because you won't see anything else. Focus on the things you can do, and the things that can go right.

Love and Light to you

Thank you for your response. I am replying with lack of energy but I don't want to be off and say nothing back. I am not able read fully like to rate fully objective because really I feel very low low (I don't talk to friends and I feel badly alone like not in nice, introvert, peaceful way).

Saying simply I am myself but I can't be at home externally because of my environment. A quick example: try to fight with politics, racism (also racism towards your religion) with your parents who always kept stopping you from emigration and they don't let you to take at least any course for any work but force you as introvert to work in call center while you have seen background and after knowing that, you know you won't be peaceful with your team leader (and customers especially if in last one project you started talk back to them and you aren't afraid to loose work). With clothes, it is like this "you are fat, you mustn't to have a choice" and they don't like things what you like (secretly in your room talk through texts with people, secretly in your room you listen to everything what you love, secretly you watch what you love etc etc) and they don't let me to have 100% linen clothes "because it is a bad material" while you are better educated and you know much more about this material + you want to be closer to nature.

I understand what you try to say. If you like, I could in DM (even discord if you are there) say more about background. Here I will need to find more energy to try the best to tell my situation and why some things look how it looks. I am aware of it that I am a victim of abuse (when I had a psychologist he confirmed this and said I should run away when I will have occasion), gaslighting and maybe more + ofc we have different personalities and I am in late 20s (they mustn't hold me forever, I feel a lot that I am not educated well, no good work, I am super scared that never I will be able to take the loan to buy a land and build a house in Slovenia + start a family and make my dreams come true like my final career goal is to be an English teacher and Slovenia is a great place - I know their salary is pretty low but it is what I want and run small business with handmade things for Pagans - I know it limits me from customers but I am good with it and it is my ideal plan).

Tomorrow I will try to come back to activity and I have no hopes but I keep fighting and begging mother for the course to be an optician if I will loose weight.
Now I need to break down. Soon I am going to sleep. It is late but I am very thirsty