I was unsure where to put this

[SlavicNa97]

It is after christian modern holidays so I can get a bit more active, I have some headache so it is another thing but mainly by that I wasn't in 2nd day where family came over, I feel some useless (I haven't my own life, for what to sit down there? Only to eat? I have nothing to tell about..) and I had before eve and now it is stronger that I want to cry af. I know that I look some like **** but I know how it works in me (overating from family situation, I am sure about it because whenever I got a chance for calm time, I knew family is somewhere else for a while I could relax and I wasn't hungry or if I was, it was on normal, healthy level). I would like to work on myself, on body, I have plans for future but ofc I am locked like in a jail saying shortly.

I am on one dating platform Boo and kinda I was gaining a bit self-esteem and I matched with some people (I am the most hopeful about 1 but I texted 9 days ago and still I am waiting for a response, he is also introvert, I know it is "busy season" but still I feel some like Idk how to be to start talking and I keep waiting, I saw him often online).

Since a while I am attracted also to one bigger influencer for some reasons and I think we could be good but I know that I am low with it what I can to offer, I am not even after studies because of the "jail" (I am 27), I haven't normal work and I haven't normal course for anything. I have much dreams even about diving, kayaking courses. I have my own ideas for myself but saying simply I would like to break free and live on my own, start to live, get in dating deeper like more seriously. If I was on my own, I was working on myself, I would update photos on Boo, I would start with IG in my folk style and I would text even to the influencer.. Idk I feel in general super low and I feel by that in some way quilty that I am not able to give more in talks as a friend because of the very very low mood..

Kinda I feel more introvert but at the same time I don't want to be all alone, I want to scream and curse christian god about everything..

 

[littlefish555]

Good luck with the online dating and the exercise plans. I have big plans too to start doing 15 minute mat pilates videos again on youtub, but same, I feel like the winter depression hole my brain is in really delays all the healthy things.

I'm not sure I understand, what is stopping you from uploading your pictures to the dating site or instagram?

 

[SlavicNa97]

Good luck with the online dating and the exercise plans. I have big plans too to start doing 15 minute mat pilates videos again on youtub, but same, I feel like the winter depression hole my brain is in really delays all the healthy things.

I'm not sure I understand, what is stopping you from uploading your pictures to the dating site or instagram?

It is more about it that I am not on my own. If I was and had a nice work what I could to choose on my own, I would start with lifestyle what I am into and buy clothes what I like. Then I could. Also I would need to be much slimmer to make it work better

 

[147]

I can see that you're waiting for everything in your "outer" world to change first, so you can feel free to become the person you would like to be. That's a mistake right there, and it's not how it works (even though mankind has been brainwashed into believing that that's how it works).

There is absolutely NOTHING that is stopping you from making any change you want *inside* yourself. You're just used to seeing yourself in this one way, as this one persona, and you think that is determined by your outer world. It's not. Internally, you can be any persona that you like. You can start seeing yourself as a completely new person.

You can even start doing workouts in your room. I do that all the time. Every workout I do, I do at home. And don't tell me your room is too small, because I assure you there's still plenty of exercises you can do.

As for clothing, your family doesn't allow you to wear the clothes you want? Or is that just a story you're telling yourself?
Same with your ambitions for doing things online (Instagram; other places?). I don't see how anything could stop you from getting started on that *right now*. Honestly, and I know this from personal experience of course, most of the stories we're telling about our lives are just excuses for not doing what we want to be doing.

I understand your living situation is not ideal, but I would beg you to really go within and analyse some of these stories you hold on to! You might be surprised what you find! You may find that you have, in fact, the freedom to change considerably more things than you're allowing yourself to believe right now.

Don't focus on the things that bind you, because you won't see anything else. Focus on the things you can do, and the things that can go right.

Love and Light to you

 

[SlavicNa97]

I can see that you're waiting for everything in your "outer" world to change first, so you can feel free to become the person you would like to be. That's a mistake right there, and it's not how it works (even though mankind has been brainwashed into believing that that's how it works).

There is absolutely NOTHING that is stopping you from making any change you want *inside* yourself. You're just used to seeing yourself in this one way, as this one persona, and you think that is determined by your outer world. It's not. Internally, you can be any persona that you like. You can start seeing yourself as a completely new person.

You can even start doing workouts in your room. I do that all the time. Every workout I do, I do at home. And don't tell me your room is too small, because I assure you there's still plenty of exercises you can do.

As for clothing, your family doesn't allow you to wear the clothes you want? Or is that just a story you're telling yourself?
Same with your ambitions for doing things online (Instagram; other places?). I don't see how anything could stop you from getting started on that *right now*. Honestly, and I know this from personal experience of course, most of the stories we're telling about our lives are just excuses for not doing what we want to be doing.

I understand your living situation is not ideal, but I would beg you to really go within and analyse some of these stories you hold on to! You might be surprised what you find! You may find that you have, in fact, the freedom to change considerably more things than you're allowing yourself to believe right now.

Don't focus on the things that bind you, because you won't see anything else. Focus on the things you can do, and the things that can go right.

Love and Light to you

Thank you for your response. I am replying with lack of energy but I don't want to be off and say nothing back. I am not able read fully like to rate fully objective because really I feel very low low (I don't talk to friends and I feel badly alone like not in nice, introvert, peaceful way).

Saying simply I am myself but I can't be at home externally because of my environment. A quick example: try to fight with politics, racism (also racism towards your religion) with your parents who always kept stopping you from emigration and they don't let you to take at least any course for any work but force you as introvert to work in call center while you have seen background and after knowing that, you know you won't be peaceful with your team leader (and customers especially if in last one project you started talk back to them and you aren't afraid to loose work). With clothes, it is like this "you are fat, you mustn't to have a choice" and they don't like things what you like (secretly in your room talk through texts with people, secretly in your room you listen to everything what you love, secretly you watch what you love etc etc) and they don't let me to have 100% linen clothes "because it is a bad material" while you are better educated and you know much more about this material + you want to be closer to nature.

I understand what you try to say. If you like, I could in DM (even discord if you are there) say more about background. Here I will need to find more energy to try the best to tell my situation and why some things look how it looks. I am aware of it that I am a victim of abuse (when I had a psychologist he confirmed this and said I should run away when I will have occasion), gaslighting and maybe more + ofc we have different personalities and I am in late 20s (they mustn't hold me forever, I feel a lot that I am not educated well, no good work, I am super scared that never I will be able to take the loan to buy a land and build a house in Slovenia + start a family and make my dreams come true like my final career goal is to be an English teacher and Slovenia is a great place - I know their salary is pretty low but it is what I want and run small business with handmade things for Pagans - I know it limits me from customers but I am good with it and it is my ideal plan).

Tomorrow I will try to come back to activity and I have no hopes but I keep fighting and begging mother for the course to be an optician if I will loose weight.
Now I need to break down. Soon I am going to sleep. It is late but I am very thirsty

 

[147]

Thank you for your response. I am replying with lack of energy but I don't want to be off and say nothing back. I am not able read fully like to rate fully objective because really I feel very low low (I don't talk to friends and I feel badly alone like not in nice, introvert, peaceful way).

Saying simply I am myself but I can't be at home externally because of my environment. A quick example: try to fight with politics, racism (also racism towards your religion) with your parents who always kept stopping you from emigration and they don't let you to take at least any course for any work but force you as introvert to work in call center while you have seen background and after knowing that, you know you won't be peaceful with your team leader (and customers especially if in last one project you started talk back to them and you aren't afraid to loose work). With clothes, it is like this "you are fat, you mustn't to have a choice" and they don't like things what you like (secretly in your room talk through texts with people, secretly in your room you listen to everything what you love, secretly you watch what you love etc etc) and they don't let me to have 100% linen clothes "because it is a bad material" while you are better educated and you know much more about this material + you want to be closer to nature.

I understand what you try to say. If you like, I could in DM (even discord if you are there) say more about background. Here I will need to find more energy to try the best to tell my situation and why some things look how it looks. I am aware of it that I am a victim of abuse (when I had a psychologist he confirmed this and said I should run away when I will have occasion), gaslighting and maybe more + ofc we have different personalities and I am in late 20s (they mustn't hold me forever, I feel a lot that I am not educated well, no good work, I am super scared that never I will be able to take the loan to buy a land and build a house in Slovenia + start a family and make my dreams come true like my final career goal is to be an English teacher and Slovenia is a great place - I know their salary is pretty low but it is what I want and run small business with handmade things for Pagans - I know it limits me from customers but I am good with it and it is my ideal plan).

Tomorrow I will try to come back to activity and I have no hopes but I keep fighting and begging mother for the course to be an optician if I will loose weight.
Now I need to break down. Soon I am going to sleep. It is late but I am very thirsty

It sounds like you're living in an oppressive environment!

How is the social infrastructure in your country? By this I mean: Surely there has to be SOME office, some authority or institution, that you can go to for help? Have you researched this properly?

Secondly, you said a psychologist confirmed you're living in an abusive family. I would assume that a person like that has resources, contact addresses, anything, that they could give to you to help put you on the right way?

If all this fails, how about you do the call centre job temporarily, and just start secretly saving up money? Even if it's just 5 Euros here and there. And then when you have enough, just run away on your own?

 

[SlavicNa97]

It sounds like you're living in an oppressive environment!

How is the social infrastructure in your country? By this I mean: Surely there has to be SOME office, some authority or institution, that you can go to for help? Have you researched this properly?

Secondly, you said a psychologist confirmed you're living in an abusive family. I would assume that a person like that has resources, contact addresses, anything, that they could give to you to help put you on the right way?

If all this fails, how about you do the call centre job temporarily, and just start secretly saving up money? Even if it's just 5 Euros here and there. And then when you have enough, just run away on your own?

I would love to run away on my own (a quick example: when I had a best friend from school, once she promised that she will take me with her - she has also abusive environment, we don't talk for a very long time so idk if she lives with her bf or where - to Germany to work and it will be easy because she has her own a car and driving license). I haven't just contacts and it is tough because I live in a village, over 100 kms far away from big city Wrocław and buses hours are limited. Let's ignore also I haven't cash.

With call centers it is that I can work in more limited projects (for sure never selling and nothing technical or again energy). Also conditions here I haven't good because of control and I will send you in DM what was recorded while I was calling to a customer. They force me to work in it but later question if I work and abuse me so hard about work. I was talking with a friend about it (she has experience with call center and similar family situation in some way), she said something like "So they want you to work in call center but don't let you work and abuse you during work? They don't let you work?". I have a very bad family situation (about work my younger sister and mother are extreme).

I had a situation with Turkey, I was accepted and I could work in March - October in very good conditions (no expenses) and they were letting me to go but because of I took a while ago credits for psychologist, as a punishment they said I mustn't go and when they found out that I mailed to my boss about the situation, they took away all my devices for weeks-months and screamed "SHE HAS YOU IN HER ASS" so.. In general psychologist was supporting me with going there and he was like "Use anything what comes and run away", when he heard that I don't go to Turkey, he said he can't help me (it was online visits).

Always I heard that parents have varied contacts and I know if I applied for blue card, social service would come and ask parents - they are highly manipulative and they predent everything is good. I know them very well. And they will take away again all my electronic devices because I am not normal etc. I am treated worse than a kid (especially taking away devices while I am 27, my friend could confirm - I told him my story in audio way, we were talking for long and sister heard about it, she reported to mother and they took away my phone and pc for a very long time) and I live in fears

 

[SlavicNa97]

I will say as a tiny update that the nostalgic depression came full (+ best friend, brother from Miami) and again there is chaos inside of me. Again I keep looking for things what I had to check price and all. I hope to find some old my things at home one day and have with myself. I have found in archive one file case exactly the same what I had as a kid... Over 150 pln (35,09 euros) 1 offer while it wasn't more for sure than 10-15 pln. I am a lot into books. It drives me more insane especially from a side that I can't buy anything and I have extra fear I will never find these all things to have them... I feel like I am all alone with it in a very bad way