I want to speak up

[DutchGirl]

In the closed thread "I'm going to suicide ..." ConcernedGuest wrote:

AaronAgassi
....The way you treat people you would never earn a persons trust to the degree where they would be willing to share such information with you...

I don’t like to speak up, but this time I have to.

A couple of weeks ago I joined this forum. I am terribly shy and I am afraid to share my real problems with other people. When I introduced myself at the forum I told a little bit about myself, one of the things I mentioned was that I don’t have friends and that this made me feel very lonely after my divorce 6 months ago. LonelyGirl gave me the advice to enjoy my freedom and go out with friends. I was completely surprised at this. Does she really listen, does she really care or does she just want to hear herself talk? When I read several threads, I became more and more surprised at the number of trivial, superficial advices that were given.
However, unlike a lot of you, Aaron caught my attention as he seemed really interested. So I contacted him privately. This may surprise you ConcernedGuest, LonelyGirl and other people, but Aaron really listened. I didn’t come forward in the beginning, but he was patient. When necessary he asked questions. I didn’t always like what he said, but I had to admit there was truth in it. He never pitied me, and that was what I really needed. In fact he made me talk & talk & talk. You see, ConcernedGuest, I learned to trust him and I shared a lot of very personal information with him. We don’t always agree, but that doesn’t matter.
Thanks to Aaron I feel so much better now. No, my problems aren’t solved, but being able to talk about them, trying to find out what caused them, helps so much. It’s the first step.

I am so fed up with a couple of you people.

 

[AaronAgassi]

Wow, DutchGirl, I would never trade such a courageous and ringing endorsement even to max out my reputation points! Phony popularity is never worth the cost of any genuine friendship. But I'm biased, here.

 

[Blue Sky]

In the closed thread "I'm going to suicide ..." ConcernedGuest wrote:

AaronAgassi
....The way you treat people you would never earn a persons trust to the degree where they would be willing to share such information with you...

I don’t like to speak up, but this time I have to.

A couple of weeks ago I joined this forum. I am terribly shy and I am afraid to share my real problems with other people. When I introduced myself at the forum I told a little bit about myself, one of the things I mentioned was that I don’t have friends and that this made me feel very lonely after my divorce 6 months ago. LonelyGirl gave me the advice to enjoy my freedom and go out with friends. I was completely surprised at this. Does she really listen, does she really care or does she just want to hear herself talk? When I read several threads, I became more and more surprised at the number of trivial, superficial advices that were given.
However, unlike a lot of you, Aaron caught my attention as he seemed really interested. So I contacted him privately. This may surprise you ConcernedGuest, LonelyGirl and other people, but Aaron really listened. I didn’t come forward in the beginning, but he was patient. When necessary he asked questions. I didn’t always like what he said, but I had to admit there was truth in it. He never pitied me, and that was what I really needed. In fact he made me talk & talk & talk. You see, ConcernedGuest, I learned to trust him and I shared a lot of very personal information with him. We don’t always agree, but that doesn’t matter.
Thanks to Aaron I feel so much better now. No, my problems aren’t solved, but being able to talk about them, trying to find out what caused them, helps so much. It’s the first step.

I am so fed up with a couple of you people.

I'm glad that you found someone on the forum you can talk to and that your feeling much better. Everone on this forum has there own way of giving advice, some do it in a soft caring way, others are straight to the point etc.... Though I don't think it's very fair to bring up peoples names here and say that one person helped you and the other didn't. Everyone on this forum has feelings and feelings can be hurt, specially with people suffering from loneliness and maybe depression. To me this forum isn't about who delivers the best advice, it also has many other things to offer. In the end the it's up to the individual to decide which advice they will take, it's not about who's better than who. Because of what you have written here, this thread will most likely turn into a flaming nasty debate. SOMETHING THIS FORUM DOESN'T NEED!!

 

[Robin]

The reason why i have had my share of debating with Aaron is unimportant now, but i'm however also glad that You have shared this with us. He deserve it.

 

[AaronAgassi]

Blue Sky, all fine and good.

But beyond variety, taste and civility, there remain also the issues of active listening, active reading, conversational adequacy including cooperation in miscommunication repair, controversy and the values of criticism and dissidence.

Indeed, it should be obvious that no sweet pleading for peace can go anywhere until we begin by acknowledging the importance and relevance to the quest of resolving loneliness, of the fairly substantive conflict between those who treasure these freedoms as intrinsic to real connection, and those who revile all such practices as unpleasant if not even dangerous strife and needless disturbance of the mellow.

 

[jales]

I like Aaron as well..he's hard to understand...but for what its worth he has stuck around here long enough to not be branded as someone who just wants to promote his site..which he does a lot...And although he's harsh..that's sometimes what people need because that's what's really out there..also he doesnt ever ignore people he's brave enough to say what he really thinks ...all this my opinion
BUT please stop giving LonelyGirl trouble...I mean common everyone gets on her case including guest..she's only human and she post a lot so at somepoint you are bound to disagree with her..also for what its worth sometimes people post threads here and no one replies but her...Robin also does that. Most people who come here feel unloved, like no one really cares about them..at least most people who post threads feel like that...so imagine how much worse it would be if she didnt post...

Another thing is that its so annoying when everyone judges everyone...DutchGirl I MEAN NO DISRESPECT..because I think its great what you posted ..because people are mean to Aaron..so very good post..
Now in terms of interacting with people..so many people get afraid of just being themselves and acting the way they want to...and saying what they want to say because there is all this ******** not about...the important stuff but about..she talks too much ..he talks to little..he so depressing...or mean. I really would like to ask that you'l make an effort to accept people as whoever they are within reason (i mean if the person is harming people then...yea shout n scream about it).
and i dont mean be best-buds with mean people...but show a little understanding an tolerance....to people who dont live up to your ideal person

btw the acceptance speech was fueled by a personal thing that happened today so sorry if it seemed out of place. I see it as relavant though
LG..i hope none of this makes you feel bad..

 

[AaronAgassi]

DutchGirl was actually a great deal more specific than the generality you seek to counter, jales.

 

[Krossknife]

I would have to agree tho with jales on the some ppl are afraid to share everything. I check this site every day and want to post on a lot of topics or even to help listen and maybe offer some sort of comfort but I lack at expressing opinions and or the right words so i do not post often. And usually when i do post I never truly get what I would like to from what I type....It is like my mind is speaking latin and I can only understand english lol. I personally have followed some of andre's posts and along with him and everyone else and I have gained a quiet respect for all here Each of us have a unique way about us and no matter how much we type it still is almost impossible to understand without being right there with them, So I say post on with the good and the bad ill be here still and so will the rest of us! Unfortanatly my help will always seem simplistic because I am a sensor, but I do truly care as well. I love U All!

 

[AaronAgassi]

Writing is like photography, easy to do at all but hard to do well. There is a learning curve.

 

[DutchGirl]

Now in terms of interacting with people..so many people get afraid of just being themselves and acting the way they want to...and saying what they want to say because there is all this ******** not about...the important stuff but about..she talks too much ..he talks to little..he so depressing...or mean. I really would like to ask that you'l make an effort to accept people as whoever they are within reason (i mean if the person is harming people then...yea shout n scream about it).
and i dont mean be best-buds with mean people...but show a little understanding an tolerance....to people who dont live up to your ideal person

Jales, this isn't about accepting people. I accept people as they are with all their shortcomings, I have lots of them myself.
What I was talking about is phony interest in other people.

I noticed Aaron posted on this subject:

http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=1271

 

[sweetviki]

People dont have to be interested in you as a person to give advice. I read many threads here and when I read something that I believe I have a good advice on I contribute and try to help the person out. If I can relate to a situation, have some knowlege as far as what a person is talking about or experienced something similar I will comment and give advice. Sometimes I dont even look who wrote or wonder who the person is or anything about them but it doesnt make it bad advice. I agree that when you show interest and maybe talk one on one with the person you can give better advice but when you give advice sometimes all it takes is knowing that situation and giving your perspective. When someone is interested in you and wants to get to know you they want to be your friend but when they are just giving their advice thats all it is just advice not 'I'm pretending to be interested in you by replying to your problem'. If someone is trying to help you they are good people and if their advice is not that great you dont have to take it.

 

[AaronAgassi]

When I speak of interest, I mean it not only compassionately and interpersonally, but indeed, quite literally at all, intellectually. In other words, it helps, at very least, to be interested in the problem or topic. Indeed, any effort towards objectivity should be valued. Indeed, what I criticize, is first of all, literal inattention. Any gloss of welling tenderness only comes in bad taste additionally. If you look, you will even find on this forum, explicit protestations that helping people is simple, and requires no involvement or heavy thinking. Of course attention to a problem, however impersonally, is also of value. Indeed, I only ever mentioned compassion as such, because inattention seems so incongruous with constant tender protestations.