If a crystal ball told you this what would you do?

[lonelyfairy]

actually I am half way to becoming a nun, for real, only I have to find the right convent, and they have to allow me to make music (for buddhist nuns, that is forbidden)

Nooo, don't give up! .___. There is always hope.

 

[VeganAtheist]

Vegan Atheist-I can identify with what you say. Part of me is thinking every day that I would rather not be here. Although I may enjoy a good book or TV show and push the loneliness and emptiness aside for a while, it is always there, gnawing at my heart and soul, the longing not to be alone any more, wanting so much to matter to someone.

It is a feeling I have had for most of my life. It's strange because I am not the least bit suicidal. I simply don't want to live. When I was a Christian when I was a kid, I would pray to God frequently - on my knees, tears streaming down my face - that I would die before I turned 18. A quick painless death.
Strange thing, to me at least, is that my childhood wasn't that bad. Never really got bullied. No traumatic experiences that I can recall. I just didn't want to live.

The last relationship I was in changed that, for a moment at least. I felt alive and wanted to live. I wanted to be in a happy family. After it ended and because of the way it ended, that feeling of not wanting to live is stronger than ever. I know that should bring me hope that I could find that relationship that could make life worth living but I doubt it.

Right now I am trying to read a book called "When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron" which seems to be helping to some degree but I have just started and may feel different afterward.

 

[SofiasMami]

It's just not going to happen for you, period. You have to accept this fact for all eternity.What would you do to make yourself happy in spite of this? I want to know how I can prepare myself for this possibility.

I feel like I already know this. I always have. I think it isn't going to happen for me.. due to me. So I can say it is time to accept it.

a. pet.
b. someway to make your mark in this world... important job or such.
c. **** (tasteful of course) romantic movies / romantic novels -- shipping tv couples.
d. celebrating all that you can do since you are not tied down... travel, doing what you want on the weekends.
e. The internet? Message boards etc.

I think after a certain age your sex drive drives down so I think it won't be that long to get through.

It's a matter of mind. Some people do manage to keep a sex drive even after menopause, i read about it in the Joy of Sex, but there is no point if you don't have an outlet to release it. Romantic movies? Doesn't that cause wishful thinking?

Hmmm...when does one's sex drive go down? I do wonder. Certainly not always after age 40. Self-love is a solution. There's no partner but the ending is the same.

Frankly, I'm at a point where I don't mind if I never find another partner. I'm just not interested in investing (wasting) anymore precious time looking for someone. I have too many other things to do.

-Teresa

 

[Nicolelt]

If I believed that what was seen in a crystal ball was real, and it said "You are going to be alone and never find anyone." I think I would be okay. Actually, kind of a relief. The search is over! I'm the one!

I would be fine with it really. I would live life the way I wanted to, and too the fullest. Put more of my efforts into a career and hobbies. But that awesome aunt that takes her nieces and nephews for ice cream because our tongues are hot dang it!

I have an aunt that lived that way to be honest. She never got married, never had children, and I never recalled her having a partner at all. But she is/was busy and happy.

 

[sk66rc]

Being single for the rest of my life with no hopes to be involved romantically with anyone sounds pretty good, actually...don't get me wrong, I'm not against romantic relationships & I like sex... But being in a relationship & being single both have their pros & cons... And I'm ok with both...

 

[mónos]

A crystal ball tells you that you will be single for the rest of your life. You can pretty much throw any fantasies of romantic love and/or marriage out the window. You cannot expect to find a member of the opposite sex to kiss, cuddle with or be emotionally intimate (not in the romantic sense, maybe you'll find a friend who is like a brother or sister to you) or sexually intimate with ever again for the rest of your life. It's just not going to happen for you, period. You have to accept this fact for all eternity.

What would you do to make yourself happy in spite of this?

I like what Nicolelt said:

I would live life the way I wanted to, and too the fullest. Put more of my efforts into a career and hobbies.

I used to be told that you can't make love happen, it just will when you least expect it. In the meantime, you just press on with your life. Others said that it will only happen when you are not looking and trying, that by wanting to find that special somebody you are wearing your heart on your sleeve, and that is a turn-off. I guess the logic is this: a life of self sufficiency is a life of self confidence, and such confidence is attractive.

Even though I heard those platitudes way back when, I still kind of agree with them...to an extent (some people actively search and find). I do agree that you have to go on with living the life you want, regardless of any special partner. This way, at least, you weren't just waiting.

 

[Veruca]

Hi Awith2cats,

I could really relate to this post because I feel like I am heading in that direction myself; spending life single. I know how horrible it feels when it seems like that's how you're going to end up, so *hugs*...

I agree with Peaches. Eventhough it seems impossible, it really isn't. I remind myself that even if I don't find a partner now, I may find one later in life...even when I'm 50 or 60. But I know it sucks to wait that long because there's no denying that we sometimes just need intimacy, both physical and emotional.

How to deal with it? Well, here's what I have been doing.

1. Whenever I feel lonely and miserable, I let it run its course. I cry in the shower, I vent to my friends or family, I mope about for a few days, and then at some point I'll tell myself to snap out of it. I'll have a good workout, wear some nice clothes and go out....just to watch a movie or to the bookshop or just hang out at the coffee shop. I'll listen to happy music and sit somewhere and think of all the things I have in my life that's great. I find that if I repress these emotions, I become bitter and cynical. For now, I feel like this process is helping.

2. Feeling grateful helps a lot. I try to make a mental list of all the things I am grateful for at least once a week.

3. Expanding my social circle. I prefer to have one or two close friends but the reality is that as time passes, more of my close friends are getting married and becoming busy with family life. So despite not liking it much, I went all out to meet new people. I am not close to most of them, but I have met some truly wonderful people. I think having friends really helps with the loneliness.

4. Volunteer. I met wonderful people volunteering for animal shelters, and its been really fun to organize fundraisers. Plus it keeps me busy so I don't think about being lonely. And at the end of it all, it feels like I've done something meaningful with my time, helping abused/abandoned animals.

5. Exercise. This one really helps to lift moods. Even if its just 15 minutes in the morning and evening, it does so much to keep my mood in check all day.

I hope that helped. I don't know if any of these would work in the long run, but for now, its helping me

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Exactly, this is why I don't feel the way some others do here about how they don't mind if they never find someone. Maybe they have something else just as meaningful in their lives that is satisfying this need. But my lifestyle for the most part is I spend 8 hours at work then commute by bus, then walk home to my apartment with just 2 cats and I feel alone and isolated a lot which is why I cry on a regular basis which I consider a strength, not a weakness because it helps me cope, and when you don't get the physical and emotional intimacy you want or need at all, except your cats purring on your lap or giving you head butts which is endearing but still does not replace human contact, you think about it all the time. Well, I won't speak for everybody. Some people don't seem to have these needs. I can only speak for myself.

I wonder if maybe there is a way to satisfy these needs for physical and emotional intimacy without a romantic relationship (no casual sex please, that actually makes me feel worse, I would rather be alone), Ideally I want that romantic relationship but is there is an alternative just in case I don't ever get it? Like cultivating close, platonic friendships perhaps. Of course you still have to get out and find those people you can relate to on that level, can be as challenging as seeking a partner.

Veruca, thanks for your advice. I often don't feel lonely in a coffee shop even if I'm sitting at a table alone with a book or just enjoying something nice to eat or drink. There is something about that atmosphere, I'm surrounded by people even if I'm not talking to them.

 

[Triple Bogey]

meeting somebody really nice is always on my mind. It will never go away !
Whether this woman exists is another question !

 

[ardour]

A good idea for a topic... and um... I dunno. Learn to accept it and try and do one meaningful thing in life at least.

 

[Veruca]

I wonder if maybe there is a way to satisfy these needs for physical and emotional intimacy without a romantic relationship (no casual sex please, that actually makes me feel worse, I would rather be alone), Ideally I want that romantic relationship but is there is an alternative just in case I don't ever get it? Like cultivating close, platonic friendships perhaps. Of course you still have to get out and find those people you can relate to on that level, can be as challenging as seeking a partner.

Its true...it gets very difficult to deal with the intimacy issue. And sadly, having friends, however many, and having other meaningful aspects to one's life can't really replace that basic need we have to connect long term with one partner. And I really can resonate with you when it comes to craving intimacy. I almost think it can't be helped sometimes, as women, not only is there so much social pressure to not end up a "bitter, frustrated, spinster", but we also have to deal with our hormones.

I, too feel the same way about casual sexual relationships. I can't do it. It makes me feel horrible.

But really, I have no idea how to deal with it myself.

I suppose all we can do is take it one day at a time and not think about the future. I was once advised to "settle" for someone whom I did not love, but who met the basic requirements for companionship and intimacy. Or maybe we have to relentlessly put ourselves out there, call it a numbers game and try to meet as many people as we can until we find one whom we click with.

You sound like a lovely person, I hope someone equally amazing finds you.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Thank you Veruca.

 

[mónos]

I remind myself that even if I don't find a partner now, I may find one later in life...even when I'm 50 or 60. But I know it sucks to wait that long because there's no denying that we sometimes just need intimacy, both physical and emotional.

Exactly, this is why I don't feel the way some others do here about how they don't mind if they never find someone. Maybe they have something else just as meaningful in their lives that is satisfying this need.

Have any of us really given up finding somebody? I mean, really given up to the point that you have no hope, no longing, you do no looking, there is no more interest?

I haven't, not like that. Oh, I know that I cannot and will not have everything I wanted when I was younger, such as children. But, I haven't given up keeping and eye out for somebody I would consider compatible, age-wise and so forth. Somebody who can accept me as I am and let me be me and for whom I can do the same. Am I asking for too much? Maybe.

Do you remember an old story about a child who is feeling fearful when trying to sleep and his daddy tries to console him by saying that God is with him? The boy responded by saying something like, "I want somebody with skin on."

I believe most of us, maybe all of us, have that need for intimacy and physical comfort. I remember reading some time ago about a man who had such a longing because his only touch from another person was when he received a haircut. I felt sorrow for that man and right then hoped he could find somebody. I would want that for all of us, but my wanting it won't make it happen.

Alonewith2cats, I honestly do not know what all I would do or how all I would feel upon finding out ahead of time I will have nobody. To me, that is inconceivable, albeit possible. But, we do not know the future and anything is possible. Maybe that is what's supposed to keep us going in the meantime.

 

[Grackle]

When i was younger, less then 40yrs, I would have said I would be okay with it. I didn't mind being single and I had various friends who were single as well but now, as I am older, it isn't okay anymore. I guess when you stare fate in the face, like once you hit 50+ its hard to keeping hoping.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I remind myself that even if I don't find a partner now, I may find one later in life...even when I'm 50 or 60. But I know it sucks to wait that long because there's no denying that we sometimes just need intimacy, both physical and emotional.

Exactly, this is why I don't feel the way some others do here about how they don't mind if they never find someone. Maybe they have something else just as meaningful in their lives that is satisfying this need.

Have any of us really given up finding somebody? I mean, really given up to the point that you have no hope, no longing, you do no looking, there is no more interest?

I haven't, not like that. Oh, I know that I cannot and will not have everything I wanted when I was younger, such as children. But, I haven't given up keeping and eye out for somebody I would consider compatible, age-wise and so forth. Somebody who can accept me as I am and let me be me and for whom I can do the same. Am I asking for too much? Maybe.

Do you remember an old story about a child who is feeling fearful when trying to sleep and his daddy tries to console him by saying that God is with him? The boy responded by saying something like, "I want somebody with skin on."

I believe most of us, maybe all of us, have that need for intimacy and physical comfort. I remember reading some time ago about a man who had such a longing because his only touch from another person was when he received a haircut. I felt sorrow for that man and right then hoped he could find somebody. I would want that for all of us, but my wanting it won't make it happen.

Alonewith2cats, I honestly do not know what all I would do or how all I would feel upon finding out ahead of time I will have nobody. To me, that is inconceivable, albeit possible. But, we do not know the future and anything is possible. Maybe that is what's supposed to keep us going in the meantime.

The people at the hair cut store near my home are really good at massaging your scalp when they wash your hair. Yes, I do enjoy this and I also enjoy a nice massage when I can afford it. I would say these are my alternatives to casual sex, something very sensual and pleasurable which has no negative consequences.