If a man is 35 and never had a woman romantically interested in him....

[WillPower]

Even if the likelihood is that you never will, there's still always a chance no matter how small. But if you don't try, then the chance is 0%. I was in the same boat as you. Still am for the most part. I have been on some dates, but no physical intimacy. But before all my self-improvement, I wasn't even getting any dates. Just keep trying to improve day by day and things might fall into place for you.

 

[NotThrivingStillSmiling]

gonna sound a bit wacky, but most of my life ive had abandonment and attachment issues from childhood....its crazy what we do to ourselves...I can guarentee you 100% from experience if your attitude is "they wont be interested...i'm only gonna waste their time...i'm too miserable....ain't gonna happen" you are literally signaling to the world to stay clear of you.....its cheesy AF, but your vibe attracts your tribe.... if you can enjoy today, the present moment, having a walk in nature, a song...whatever it may be in the HERE AND NOW, an make being present for yourself a key goal, your much more likely to attract someone who wants to share that, with a major caveat...if your doing it as the REASON to attract someone, your not in the present moment at all, present moment is here and now, without needs. there will always be 'something' better on the other side of the fence, over the hill, just round the corner...we have a society built on wants, which makes money by telling you you NEED something to be happy right now. you don't. and if your happiness is always attached to a need, it will ALWAYS be just over that hill. work on yourself, and they can find you if they want to...

 

[michael2]

Actually the further you go in life the higher the chances. It's like flipping a coin. If you flipped a coin 10 times and you always got the same side, do you say "I've flipped it 10 times and always got the same side. The 11th time will be the same." No you think you are getting closer to getting the other side finally

You need to make big changes in your life. Like move to a big city or a different city. Start working on your physical appearance (muscle, hair, clothes). Maybe even try online dating. Consider doing these things like your a batter, and your now trying to hit home runs. Before you might have been trying to hit a single and get on base, but you need to go for the homerun now. Big changes. New city, new look, new ways to find a woman.

Imagine you are a woman on a date. When I say imagine, actually take some time and imagine it. The excitement she'd be having, some amount of nervousness, some curiosity, expectations, all of it. Mimic, for a minute, every feeling she'd go through.

Now imagine your current self, who she (you) is supposed to meet. Don't mimic this time, but observe. How you arrive, how you appear, how you communicate, what you talk about, how is your 'vibrance'.

What kind of emotions are created within her, when she sees you, meets you, talks to you and listens to your story? Take an hour when you don't have work and imagine very, very deeply each moment.

Would she feel emotionally elevated? Feel happier? Better? Will she think it was a great evening? Will she wonder how soon can you meet her again? Will she think you'll be able to not only protect and provide for her, but will give her a great (not boring) life ahead?
_

Which of her expectations are you delivering when you carry the attitude you currently carry?
Do you think, that using it, you'll make the other person's experience better? If no, then do you realize that some work is needed on yourself?
Being a good person, is great. It is rare. But, its not... sufficient. You won't date any random girl, even though you might claim so. You want somebody who excites you, who draws you towards her. Who makes you think about them all day. Who makes you a bit nervous in their presence.
Women desire the same.

So, you'll have to work on those things.
As for the age, its always a bit late. You could have started yesterday, or a year ago, or a decade ago. But remember, our limitations and faults make us different from, let's say, 'gods'. The situations in your life were such that you couldn't.
But its never too late, you can start now. As for the things you might feel you missed out on, well, two comments on that:
We do not feel missed out on things we didn't get to do or experience. We only feel missed out on things we attached ourselves to and then didn't get to do or experience. The one who suffers the most is the overthinker.
So shed that burden off of your shoulders.

Well, alot of this sounds like NRE (New Relationship Energy). There's alot of people who stop seeing someone once they lose this feeling, which is a sign of immaturity imo. Because this feeling isn't going to last forever. With the right person it might even last a year or longer but in most cases it only lasts 2-3 months. Either way it will go away eventually.

Personally I don't want to feel nervous around someone. I want to feel secure and comfortable around them. Usually when I feel nervous around a woman it's because I think she's judging me to see if I 'measure up'. I don't like that feeling. But when I'm relaxed around her and we're just talking and enjoying eachother's company like good friends I love that feeling

 

[ardour]

Actually the further you go in life the higher the chances. It's like flipping a coin. If you flipped a coin 10 times and you always got the same side, do you say "I've flipped it 10 times and always got the same side. The 11th time will be the same." No you think you are getting closer to getting the other side finally

You need to make big changes in your life. Like move to a big city or a different city. Start working on your physical appearance (muscle, hair, clothes). Maybe even try online dating. Consider doing these things like your a batter, and your now trying to hit home runs. Before you might have been trying to hit a single and get on base, but you need to go for the homerun now. Big changes. New city, new look, new ways to find a woman.




Well, alot of this sounds like NRE (New Relationship Energy). There's alot of people who stop seeing someone once they lose this feeling, which is a sign of immaturity imo. Because this feeling isn't going to last forever. With the right person it might even last a year or longer but in most cases it only lasts 2-3 months. Either way it will go away eventually.

Personally I don't want to feel nervous around someone. I want to feel secure and comfortable around them. Usually when I feel nervous around a woman it's because I think she's judging me to see if I 'measure up'. I don't like that feeling. But when I'm relaxed around her and we're just talking and enjoying eachother's company like good friends I love that feeling

It isn't like flipping a coin i.e. a chance that remains static over time. The probability on each flip gets worse with age as inexperience and awkwardness is judged more harshly. Asking dozens of women out regularly may eventually yield a result, but that doesn't address the issue of inexperience. A man in his mid 30s onwards without experience isn't likely to maintain interest and keep the connection going for long. You're essentially an adolescent in an older person's body at that point, trying to relate to someone who's might have had decades of experience over you. Decades. So that's maybe a few dates before they figure out who they're dealing with, then it's back to square one, asking of dozens of women out again.

 

[WillPower]

It isn't like flipping a coin i.e. a chance that remains static over time. The probability on each flip gets worse with age as inexperience and awkwardness is judged more harshly. Asking dozens of women out regularly may eventually yield a result, but that doesn't address the issue of inexperience. A man in his mid 30s onwards without experience isn't likely to maintain interest and keep the connection going for long. You're essentially an adolescent in an older person's body at that point, trying to relate to someone who's might have had decades of experience over you. Decades. So that's maybe a few dates before they figure out who they're dealing with, then it's back to square one, asking of dozens of women out again.

Yeah, I have found that is one thing that is hard to get past. And it inevitably comes up when they start talking about past relationships. Anyone have any advice on that? I know most people on here are going to say, "Well, if they judge you for that, they aren't worth being with in the first place." But honestly, while I agree with that sentiment, the majority of people I have went out with on dates have judged me on it. I do want to stay true to myself and not lie, but sometimes I just want to say I'm saving myself for marriage, so I will be judged less harshly than someone who just hasn't been able to get with someone.

 

[Unsigned]

Yeah, I have found that is one thing that is hard to get past. And it inevitably comes up when they start talking about past relationships. Anyone have any advice on that? I know most people on here are going to say, "Well, if they judge you for that, they aren't worth being with in the first place." But honestly, while I agree with that sentiment, the majority of people I have went out with on dates have judged me on it. I do want to stay true to myself and not lie, but sometimes I just want to say I'm saving myself for marriage, so I will be judged less harshly than someone who just hasn't been able to get with someone.

They judge you on everything.
And it's either dumb or a lie for people to tell you otherwise.
Even upscale escorts that I have paid a lot of money to be with have looked at me funny when I have told them that I have never had a girlfriend.

What people who have been in relationships don't seem to get is that the female controls this from the very beginning.
You can tell by the way they look at a guy if she will be receptive to him, and the way she initiates conversations, initiates touching, etc..
Some of us never get that type of attention -- just the opposite in fact. Either ignored or looked upon with mild disgust.
So to be judged on something you have no control over is really rather exasperating. It grinds my gears. It's awful. But it will never change.

NOTE: And above, when I say attention, I mean attention from females we find attractive. Just want to make that clear.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I do want to stay true to myself and not lie, but sometimes I just want to say I'm saving myself for marriage

Why do you have to take it all the way to marriage. Sex is a very intimate thing, so all you have to say is that you haven't found the person to go to that level of intimacy with. It's not a lie, right? I wouldn't see any issue with that. But, I also wouldn't see any issue with someone still being a virgin for whatever reason. It's not really that big of a deal, IMO. I would likely be more concerned with a severely negative outlook than how much experience someone has had with both sex and relationships.

 

[TheRealCallie]

They judge you on everything.

Of course people judge. Men judge women, women judge men and both judge each other. BUT, there is judging and then there is JUDGING. There's a difference.

You can tell by the way they look at a guy if she will be receptive to him, and the way she initiates conversations, initiates touching, etc..

And sometimes you misread or don't see it at all because she is shy or reserved for whatever reason. Don't even try to deny it, you have pretty much all admitted it. lol
Women are very complex creatures. If you honestly think you understand us, you're living in a delusional world because we don't even understand ourselves.

 

[WillPower]

Why do you have to take it all the way to marriage. Sex is a very intimate thing, so all you have to say is that you haven't found the person to go to that level of intimacy with. It's not a lie, right? I wouldn't see any issue with that. But, I also wouldn't see any issue with someone still being a virgin for whatever reason. It's not really that big of a deal, IMO. I would likely be more concerned with a severely negative outlook than how much experience someone has had with both sex and relationships.

I don't know. I just think that even if I phrased it like you said, it would seem weird to the woman. I think most people see the saving it for the right person thing as something more that women do. Just seems out of place for a guy to say that. Not sure if people would believe that. Saying I am saving it for marriage because of religious reasons seems more believable to me. Although with that, I would actually have to wait for marriage, lol. Something I don't want to do.

 

[Unsigned]

Of course people judge. Men judge women, women judge men and both judge each other. BUT, there is judging and then there is JUDGING. There's a difference.


And sometimes you misread or don't see it at all because she is shy or reserved for whatever reason. Don't even try to deny it, you have pretty much all admitted it. lol
Women are very complex creatures. If you honestly think you understand us, you're living in a delusional world because we don't even understand ourselves.

Oh I totally admit that I have NO IDEA how to read women.
I am the absolute worst when it comes to subtleties.
I am sure there is something off in my brain wiring in that regard.

My example is from what I have seen in nearly 4 decades working with Wall St firms and hanging in NYC bars after work.
Just going by what I have see there. Beautiful girls initiating flirting with the types of guys they want. The tallest, most athletic looking guys with chiseled facial features. That is the attention I am talking about and I have never received it.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Just seems out of place for a guy to say that.

Honestly, it would be refreshing to me. I would 100% welcome that. I'd rather be with a guy that has never been with someone than a guy who has been with A LOT of women. Not only will he have less of an ego in that area (oh come on, you all know it happens), it would be safer in a health perspective (STDs). Now am I saying it's a common thought among women? No, it's obviously not, but there ARE women out there who won't care.

 

[fruitbug]

Nah, there is always a chance. Age doesn't matter. You are unicorn though. Some women like that and I am sure one will love that about you. Please don't see it as a negative thing.

I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 27, but it was my choice: I didn't like anyone enough to want to give them a chance. Everyone has their timeline for things.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Would you say the likelihood is he never will?

The man I'm talking about is me. I'm in my 36th year and have yet to go on my first date, have my first kiss etc. I can't believe I've reached this point.

I'm in a very similar situation. 37 now and no dates. I hate it too.

I think the problem is my personal and life development stalled out freshman year of college, when I gave up on life because of peak oil, instead of finishing my major and getting into a professional career.

Then I would have had to have gotten in shape, and gotten good at something outside of work in order to be interesting instead of merely utilitarian.

But I didn't know this, and because of that, I never did the right thing. I stayed in datelessness because I never made myself into the kind of guy that women seem to generally want. I just was the same, over and over, not getting anywhere and not knowing why - like giving the same wrong answer over and over. It's like I've stayed stuck as an 18 year-old college freshman, year after year. I didn't know there were so many RULES to life, that you don't have as much freedom as you think, or as they say. The general guideline seems to be, you have to get a strength, getting a strength is what being a guy is all about (I'm not saying that women can't have strengths, they absolutely can, it's just that for a guy it is absolutely essential to have a strength, it's not optional, it's non-negotiable - if you don't have one, you will be punished severely for it). You have to get good at something. I wish it wasn't like this, but it really does seem to be.

Looking back, I was never confident in myself, and never knew what kind of person to be, because I never knew what I could be good at, or felt like there was anything I could get good at. Because of this I was always lost. This is one reason I place so much emphasis on being good at things - it's like your center, what your whole personality and life are about.

Maybe try to figure out what career you want, and what you want to get good at outside of work?

 

[Cherubino]

I believe in the math that there is someone for everyone but why it is so hard to engineer an encounter to happen between the candidates in an age when the selection pool is so much larger due to the internet and IMO it is because females are coping much easier with loneliness than males ... I don't know if this shyness or reservation is a cultural or biological thing but females are not willing to exhibit themselves as late virgins and dateless as males do ... even the mere participation on this forum has a significant males-females ratio too

 

[ardour]

It's called preselection. Without the endorsement of other women via previous relationships, it's a bit like 'if nobody else wants him then why should I?' And over 30 there's a 'he might bury my body in his back yard' kind of stigma attached to this.

Matthew Effect in action basically. You need a past to have a future.

 

[Cherubino]

First why there are significantly more men than women active on sites for lonely people (dating or socializing or whatever) and then why you can't see a thread made by a female complaining of late virginity or lack of dating or just need for another soul companion ... it means loneliness is much more bearable for them ... or the fear of shamed is too big

 

[TheSkaFish]

It's called preselection. Without the endorsement of other women via previous relationships, it's a bit like 'if nobody else wants him then why should I?' And over 30 there's a 'he might bury my body in his back yard' kind of stigma attached to this.

Matthew Effect in action basically. You need a past to have a future.

See I don't think it's like that - I think if you're good, you're good.
I think all that matters is if you're in a strong position in life, are confident in yourself because of it, and are interesting in some way.
The trick is, that's pretty hard to do if it isn't natural.
If you don't feel like there's anything you can get strong at, and don't know what you want to get strong at, then it's like where do you even start?

 

[Unsigned]

First why there are significantly more men than women active on sites for lonely people (dating or socializing or whatever) and then why you can't see a thread made by a female complaining of late virginity or lack of dating or just need for another soul companion ... it means loneliness is much more bearable for them ... or the fear of shamed is too big

I think it is because it is much easier for a "non-conventionally attractive" female to find male company of some sort than it is for even just a "regular guy" to find female companionship. That whole 80-20 thing.

 

[Cherubino]

I think it is because it is much easier for a "non-conventionally attractive" female to find male company of some sort than it is for even just a "regular guy" to find female companionship. That whole 80-20 thing.

if you mean that 80% of women are pursuing the top 20% of men and let's say they get to have sex with those alpha ... I think that means they are innately very good at coping with loneliness and living all by themselves with just scarce sex encounters ... or maybe it's something related to their supposedly less demanding sex drive

 

[Cherubino]

also women can live with their kids and they may be more gregarious in sharing the living space with fellow room mates ... also can feel less embarrassing for a woman to live with their parents