Is it bad that I seek emotional connection before having sex?

[ordinaryDude]

I'm 27, and I never had sex because I've never seriously had any relationship. I mean I fell in love on a couple of girls, but both were engaged, so nothing was between me and them, but I have met some other girls who wanted sex, but I wasn't emotionally attracted to them at all, so I never had sex with them.

Recently I met another girl of my age, who wanted sex, but I said may be we can have something emotionally going on then may be we can take it to sex, but she wanted physical love, which I could not commit because I just feel hurt about, and not happy at all.

So, is this bad that I give emotional connection such high priority?

Thanks

 

[TheRealCallie]

Of course it's not bad. You have your standards and beliefs and never let anyone tell you that's bad. I find it admirable, to be honest. I'm much the same way, actually. I won't have sex to simply have sex. Something has to be there for me to take that step. Call me old fashioned if you want, but that's how I work and I won't let anyone shame me for it.

 

[Solivagant]

^ Same.

There's nothing wrong with it in my opinion. I would say it's a good thing.

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

I totally agree with what's been said-I need to have a connection with someone, I want someone to give me something more than purely physical(I can do that for myself)....of course it also helps to be physically attracted to them-not always easy to find the two combined but I'd rather do without than settle for just one or the other.

 

[Ymir]

Nah, it's completely normal. Some (most, actually) people view sex as the ultimate act of intimacy and bonding which isn't wrong or anything, so don't let people shame you for it. I won't go as far as saying it is "admirable", because all in all, sex as an act of love is purely a social construct (don't come at me with those oxytocin "researches" pls http://io9.com/5606765/myths-about-the-love-hormone-oxytocin-that-could-ruin-your-love-life) and a person isn't any less or any more for having their preferences and sexual habits.

 

[LonelySutton]

So, is this bad that I give emotional connection such high priority?

No I actually think that is the way it is supposed to be but has been corrupted by people who don't want that to be the case. I feel like everyone has their own emotional needs with regard to any relationship / friend lover and yet, popular culture seems obsessed with forcing one template on everyone.

 

[Pike Creek]

^^ I agree. Do what makes you feel right. Forget society's rules and expectations. If you want to wait for sex with someone you have deep emotions for, and that person feels the same for you, then you definitely should wait. There is no hurry to have sex, although in our society, the stigma of a virgin is warped in such an immature way. In my case, sex was fine before an emotional connection because that's what I desired at the time. I'm happy it grew into the emotional connection I enjoy today, but I wasn't really expecting it or wanting that connection in the moment.

 

[edgecrusher]

I was in the same boat. I was a virgin until I was 31. I never really wanted a random encounter as my first time. I still don't think I really want random encounters either way. All I can say is that I am glad I waited even though I didn't stay with that person. Nothing bad happened between us, it was just long distance and I don't want kids and she does so it never got past that and it was a mutual thing. I made a good friend out of the situation and still talk with her like every day. She has become one of my best friends actually. We encourage each other when it comes to dating now. She tries to help me get over my extreme shyness when it comes to women. All in all, it was worth the wait to me. Good luck, I hope you find someone special too.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

You should never think it's bad no matter what anyone tells you. It's important that you trust your feelings about something like this. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. It's what you want that matters. And my personal motto is that life is liberating when you don't care what others think of you. You may be meeting the kind of women who want sex without an emotional connection right now but believe me there are women who are begging and pleading at the universe to produce a man like you for them. I don't want to have sex with someone without an emotional connection either but there are too many men who will try to get that from a woman regardless of what she wants. I've heard the argument that it's "manipulative" for a woman to withhold sex until she is in a relationship because she is "manipulating" the man into having a relationship with her which I think is total bull ****. When a woman won't have sex until she is in a relationship it's not an exchange. She is not saying "You give me a relationship and I'll give you sex." She is simply saying "I don't want to have sex with a man who I'm not in a relationship with because it's not good for me and it doesn't make me feel good." It's o.k. for a man to do this too if this is how he feels. I'm not going to judge anyone for their choices. People can do whatever they want but the truth is we live in a world that tends to promote and even encourage sex without any emotional strings. Well, some of us don't want to practice the art of emotional disconnection while sharing our naked bodies with someone because it doesn't feel good for us and we shouldn't do anything that doesn't make us feel good. I know this from experience. I've had casual sex before without an emotional connection and afterwards I always feel terrible. So I don't do it anymore. I've seen a face book post recently that says "Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul." And for me this is true. I realize not everyone feels this way and I respect their rights to live their lives as they please as much as I want people to have the same respect for me and my choices. Choice is power. If you don't want to have sex with a woman you don't connect with emotionally then it's perfectly all right to say no.

 

[blackdot]

I thought you were supposed to find an emotional connection first.

I'm still hunting for an emotional connection (and sex) and I'll be 41 in a week. *laughs*

 

[Ymir]

So, is this bad that I give emotional connection such high priority?

No I actually think that is the way it is supposed to be but has been corrupted by people who don't want that to be the case. I feel like everyone has their own emotional needs with regard to any relationship / friend lover and yet, popular culture seems obsessed with forcing one template on everyone.

"No I actually think that is the way it is supposed to be"

"popular culture seems obsessed with forcing one template on everyone."

Just popular culture...? Like I said, OP's preferences are fine (you go, OP ) but let's not stretch it.

 

[Badjedidude]

...the stigma of a virgin is warped in such an immature way

So is the value of a virgin.

 

[jjessea]

So, is this bad that I give emotional connection such high priority?

Yes. Not that it's bad to have this perspective, but because having this perspective can give you an excuse to distance yourself from from a variety of different relationships. If you use this excuse, which is the way it sounds, to keep people that you've been unable to forge that type of deep bond with at arms length then yes, it's bad. In that case, it would be more like you're using the lofty idea of emotional connection over physical intimacy to mask a fear of taking risks, and putting yourself out there to see what love, all kinds of love, is like. Emotional connections form in lots of ways, sometimes sex comes first, sometimes later, sometimes not at all. I don't think it's a good idea to go about life refusing to accept all but only the one form of love or intimacy that you deem most important. You miss out on too much.

 

[sentiententity]

Nothing wrong with you, OP. Incidentally, I've never had sex with anyone I didnt know for months beforehand either.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Not bad at all. I'd do the same.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

So, is this bad that I give emotional connection such high priority?

Yes. Not that it's bad to have this perspective, but because having this perspective can give you an excuse to distance yourself from from a variety of different relationships. If you use this excuse, which is the way it sounds, to keep people that you've been unable to forge that type of deep bond with at arms length then yes, it's bad. In that case, it would be more like you're using the lofty idea of emotional connection over physical intimacy to mask a fear of taking risks, and putting yourself out there to see what love, all kinds of love, is like. Emotional connections form in lots of ways, sometimes sex comes first, sometimes later, sometimes not at all. I don't think it's a good idea to go about life refusing to accept all but only the one form of love or intimacy that you deem most important. You miss out on too much.

I never would have missed out on anything from not having sex without an emotional connection (on both sides) because doing this has only caused me pain and heartache. And I would not have minded missing out on that at all. There are other ways to to avoid putting a person at arms length like getting to know someone as a person and spending time with someone. The physical proximity can still be close without sex in order to build that emotional bond and create sexual tension in the process.

It isn't right to tell anyone it's bad. To each his own. If someone told me it's bad to want an emotional connection before having sex with someone, before sharing my personal naked body with a man, then I would be setting myself up for a lot more pain, heartache or just that bad afterwards feeling of "I can't believe I shared my nakedness with someone who doesn't care about me." Well, I refuse. The emotional connection is mandatory for me and without it I won't have sex, period. And there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Case]

So, is this bad that I give emotional connection such high priority?

Is this bad? No. Will you meet people whose needs don't match yours? Of course. That's why you should continue to meet people and find the ones who have the same needs as you.

I think it's admirable that you would rather have an emotional connection. That's always been my test. For my relationships, sex only happens after I make that emotional connection. Otherwise, it's just meaningless sex, and that's not for me.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I can get pretty emotional during sex

 

[Alonewith2cats]

So, is this bad that I give emotional connection such high priority?

Is this bad? No. Will you meet people whose needs don't match yours? Of course. That's why you should continue to meet people and find the ones who have the same needs as you.

I think it's admirable that you would rather have an emotional connection. That's always been my test. For my relationships, sex only happens after I make that emotional connection. Otherwise, it's just meaningless sex, and that's not for me.

This is exactly how I feel.

 

[Arachne]

I prefer a connection before a roll in the hay. Its does not have to be love, just desire is fine in some cases. But I do have to get to know the bloke too much nastiness out there.. ^.^