It's normal or common if you grew up in a disfunctional enviornment.
You can try reserching on Aduilt Children Of Alcoholics or Co-dependency.
There's probably other traits, thinking patterns you might be able to
relate to or identify with.
Recognitions or admittion is the first step. Perhasp a part of you
already knew somethings wasn't right or healthy as a child....
Growning up being programmed in such as condition you've developed
habits to survived...such as isolating, disconnecting or numbing your
emotions.There's 13 basic triats of an ACOA...there's more.
Traits such as self sabatge. A sense of never being good enough.
Over achiving/ under achving. People pleasing (earning love)...
Feeling of being alone and fending for yourself as a child in order to survive. Perfectionist..becuase you werent allowed to make mistakes and learn from them.
Making mistakes is a part of learning and growing...in a dysfuctional enviorment it's tabooo.
You either got servear punishments or ridiculed for every mistakes you made.
Getting blamed for everything...(Alcoholics blame
and manipulate people around them..mostly their love ones...)
Bascailly if your parents didn't know how to deal with thier own emotions
or problems..how in the world would they be able to help you with your emotions or problems.
All they can say is....GET YOUR **** TOGETHER or sit down and STFU, without really
giving you intructions, living tools or copping skills...
Maybe you weren't allowed to expressed yourself or you had to walk
on eggshells. Your parents were too cuaght up in their own disillusions
to nuture you mentally, emotionally or give you living tools, copping skills.
Worst they might had past on a lot of disfucntional behaviors, guilt, shame...etc..
You walk on eggshelll becuase you're not sure what ya going to get from day to day..
One of your parents have DR. JYCKELL and MR. HYDE behaviors becuase of ALCOHOLISM.
The other one is a control freak (CO-DEPENDENT) becuase the alki is at the wheel of
a run away train and wrecking everything...The co-dependent is actaullly sicker than
the alki..becuase they are a mental and emotional wreck. The ALKI holds everyone
mentally and emotionally hostage...if the alki feels like ****...everyone in the household
must suffers too......
You know what I'm talking about...
Adandentment...you might feel mentally or emotionally abandent by your
parents even if they didn't physically leave you.
Guilt...perhaps you blamed yourself for your parent's troubles.
Sometimes the pain is so great...you mentanlly and emotionally shut down
or numb out inorder to survive as a child...
It became a habit and you continued those habits into your adulthood...
Some ACOA end up abusing drugs and alcohol themselves (numbing out or escaping the pains)
It's kind of like you were living in a hypnotic state...
You can tried attending support groups to get help and support from
people that had grew up in simular circumstances and had found a new
way to live or HEAL. People that will listen to you, undersrtand you and
not judge you. You don't have to do this alone.
Breaking the cycle is not easy. It's like going against the grain
of everything you had belived in or thought. It will feel like a part
of you is dying..the sick part. It depends how deeply ingrain it is
within you. It's okay to cry, It's okay to feel angery, it's okay to feel
hurt. it's okay to feel whatever it is that you feel....
The more you process your emotions...the more you will heal..
The more you will be able to LET GO of them.The more you will
mentally and emotionally mature..
Sometimes it can be very overwhelming...becuase some of us had
stuff our emotions all our lives...
A part of you already knows this or is aware of this or wants to get well..
or awaken. You saw the elephant in the living all your life and was never allow
to say anything....
Re-programing or reparenting myself hasn't been easy.
All kinds of stuff i had to work through....such as my neggative inner vioce.
It's very subtle.
Please give yourself a break. You cant change your parents...however
you can try to change yourself....
Love yourself first and formost and be gental to yourself.
