Is there a bottom?

[It's Only Illusion]

Hello everyone.

I've been lonely for about 2 years now, basically ever since I started living by myself in college. Everyone thinks I'm fine because I go to a good school, get good grades, go to parties, and do club activities. My parents think I'm happy because I got into a good school and I'm studying a profession that will make me "successful."

I have lots of "friends", but my best and only good friend who is very poor just broke his computer. He doesn't have a cell phone, and we won't be able to communicate for a long time. All the friends I have here at school aren't really friends. Everyone just goes and does their own thing, if they have any loyalty to each other, I'm definitely not part of it.

I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy, but I can't tell people how I feel because I hate being pitied more than anything. People always tell me I need to get a girlfriend, but all I really want is that one good friend. Plus, I'm bi anyways, so gender doesn't really matter.

(rant)
I can't believe I used to think I was too "cool" to talk to some people. I wish I could go back in time, and apologize to every single one of those people. I'd talk to the loners, the ostracized, the band geeks, the people who just came to America, and all the people who I used to think I was better than. Nothing I say, nothing I do now can express how sorry I am. You reap what you sow, and all I have now is emptiness.

Words can't describe how miserable I am, so I'm not even going to try.

I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm doing fantastic.

I'm tired of drinking myself to sleep every night.

I hope when I sober up tomorrow morning I won't regret writing this.

 

[Badjedidude]

So from the tone of your post, I'm going to go ahead and infer that you were the "jock" or "cool" type in highschool....is that far from the mark? Popular, handsome, well-groomed, wearing the hottest clothes (or not, depending on what's in style)....surrounded by those who adore your fame? Haha most of that's probably an exaggeration, but I'm getting to my point...

Don't think that your current loneliness is some sort of cosmic payback for your earlier "misdeeds"...because it's not. All that's happening right now is that you're discovering that what worked for you in highschool doesn't work for you anymore. In a way, that should be comforting, because it's a good sign. It means that you are growing as a person, that your character is developing and you're becoming a deeper human being. Hey, I'd count that as a positive. The very fact that you feel remorse about not talking to "losers" shows that you're taking steps in the right direction.

I must admit that things do change quite a bit after highschool, and it can be disconcerting. BIG change happens, and it can happen fast. The problem is, that change can be good OR bad...but we still feel upset and lonely because we're in new territory without a map, so to speak. I don't know what specific advice I could give to you, but I'm definitely glad that you took the step to tell us all about yourself a bit. Hell, it always helps to get another person's opinion, right?

At any rate, welcome to the site. I hope you'll stick around a bit and maybe chat a little with us. It'd be cool to get to hear your story.

----Steve

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I felt just like you before I got clean and sober. On the surface everyone thought I was doing so..so well.
Looking good on the outside of all ****** up on the inside.

I used to party hardy until I drop, money to burn, women throwing themselves at me, had people around me all
the time. It was all superficail. No one in that life style I was living cared oneway or the other...
hell, even i didn't cared anymore. i didn't cared if I live or died.
I felt so empty, disconnected and alone.
I can be in a room full of people chit chating hanging out and feel completely alone.

Well sometimes i would wake up sober if I didn't partied on through the night.
hahahaaaaa...I used to tell people at happy hours.."the day i stop drinking is the day hell freezes over."
It was a fucken living hell.

Every so often I'd get a brain fart and tell myself..I really, really need to get my **** together or do something different.
(Stop drinking and partying..errr) I'll manage to do it for a couple of months...then off to fucken Allison wonderland to visit
the wicked bitch from the west, i go Of course there's that side of me that say"if you're going to do something..fucken
do it right and don't **** around"...that includes ******* up my life.lol
Yes...there's a bottom....go as deep as you wanna go.

Anyways....I'd didn't have a problem sobering up...It's the staying sober that was a bit of a challenge.

First things first ...for me.
I had to stop drinking or noting was going to makesense to me or stick....and of course living that life style.
The withdraws from the drink was narly....The withdraws from that life style was even narlier.lol

There's a lot of things I have to accept today...I don't like them. It still hurts like a son of a bitch.
I still remember the last time I held her in my arms when she was just a baby.
At first i thought if I sober up ...somehow I get to see her again or be a part of my life.
Nope....getting clean and sober never granteed me that I'd get the wife back, the kid back or any of it back.
I still have hope...
The truth of the matter was, i used to cry myself to sleep ( if and when I'm sober ) everynight because i couldn't cope with losing my daughter.
I guess I'm just going have to be happy with getting me back.
mmm...I guess there's still miracles in my life. At least my ex-wf still loves me very much. She hasn't stopped loving me after all these years.
I suppose she was that one person that I only wanted in my life.

 

[Regret]

Oh there's a bottom, this time last year I was just in the beginning of it, for me that is.

Try not to regret the past too much, it accomplishes little, learn from the mistakes and become stronger. pffft Yeah I'm one to talk lol......

I don't think there are a lot of people out there who can be confided in, the deep personal stuff. Eh, all I can say is value your good friends, because you never know when it will end. I know what you mean about how everyone's loyalties lie with other people. I had many acquaintances in high school, but almost all were not my friends, we talked in class and that was it. A few offered acknowledgment that we conversed ever outside of class with a passing hey or something like that. But it always seemed/seems like everyone has the set group of friends and I am but a person they chat with and that's it, not matter how well we get along. I am used to it by now, it's just the way it's been for so long.

People come and go, but you will always have yourself.