Is this a bad friendship?

[Tiina63]

I became friends with a man some months ago via a mutual friend, but am starting to doubt whether I want him as a friend any longer. Maybe I am being too sensitive, I don't know. Anyway, a few months ago he started calling to see me about two evenings a week without checking first if it was ok for him to come round. I have Asperger's and find unexpected visitors stressful. Last summer sometimes I would be in the back yard talking to a neighbour in the evening and I would not hear him at the front door, so he would get his lodger to phone me after he got home to say he had been round and I hadn't answered the door. When he comes he always wants fruit juice to drink and usually I give it to him, but two weeks ago I had a bad cold and as I have noone to get shopping for me and because I needed the vitamins in the juice for my cold, I said I needed to keep the juice I had so it didn't run out and asked him if he could have tea or coffee instead and he muttered that he had been drinking tea and coffee all day. He refused to accept a drink. I have been feeling very anxious and stressed about a certain issue which I won't go into here, but it is connected to my physical health and is a major worry, so I am not happy at all at present. Having no family to support me makes this issue far harder but when I said to him
If God had to give me AS and this other problem, why couldn't he have given me a family to help me with it?' he turned round and said 'God owes us nothing' in an angry and critical manner. Over the decades I have tried so hard to build a life for myself and have really fought to overcome my obstacle but sometimes things get way too much for me and I can't handle it. At such times it takes me all my time to get out of bed in the morning and the last thing I need is someone coming round and behaving like this. Am I being too sensitive?

 

[Sunless Sky]

You aren't being too sensitive no. If he wants to be your friend then he would be mindful of your mental health issues.

Have you told him not to come around without being invited first?

 

[Sarah G]

Am I being too sensitive

No! Your feelings are valid. He's making you uncomfortable and you already have your own issues to deal with.

 

[ewomack]

I agree you're not being too sensitive. I obviously don't know his side of things, but from what you describe he sounds a little inconsiderate. Inconsiderate friends are no fun. I would be asking myself the same question: do I want to be this inconsiderate person's friend? It's also a good sign that you're thinking it over and getting opinions rather than doing something rash. That's a sign of a thoughtful person.

 

[littlefish555]

I agree I don't think you're being too sensitive at all. Unexpected visitors stress me out too. Especially if the routine is becoming inviting him in and offering something to eat or drink, that's a load of time and energy to not ring you first to see if you're available. Do you enjoy him coming by at all? I would maybe say "hey would you mind just coming once a week, like wednesdays at 2pm so I can be prepared to visit?" or just ask him to call you in advance to plan a visit ahead. I don't think it's ever ok to just pop by someone's home unexpected unless it's very very clear there's an open invitation. Maybe the lines are getting crossed somewhere?

 

[littlefish555]

The God owes us nothing comment and coffee grumbling seems a little overly comfortable and entitled too, especially if he's a semi new person in your life. He may be someone you should consider practicing strong boundaries with.

 

[TheRealCallie]

First let me say that if this person makes you uncomfortable, you definitely need to set some boundaries or if you don't feel you can handle it, just cut him off entirely. I would talk to him and make it clear what is and is not okay.

But, I would also like to ask how much you know about him. Does he often have outbursts like that? I mean, could it have simply been a bad day for him and he just couldn't take anymore and sadly you got the brunt of it? As for the God comment, do you have any idea why he might say something like that in that way?
If you don't, I think you should at least try to find out, it may be something that is a trigger for him or something. Just like he needs to learn your boundaries, you also need to learn his. A friendship goes both ways.

 

[Tiina63]

Thank you to all of you who have taken the trouble to reply. I want to think about what each of you have said before replying and also it is late here (UK) so I am feeling tired. I will be back tomorrow. Thank you all for your support

 

[Finished]

I would add just one more thing. When he comes over again ask him if he would like some fruit juice. When he says yes. Say, GREAT! Me too. Such and such store has it or what's needed. Go pickup it up and bring it here. Thanks!

 

[user 148069]

No I don't think you're being too sensitive. You're struggling since visitors stress you out plus you don't feel well. His comment to you seems tone deaf and quite hurtful. If your friend is mostly dismissive of your feelings and spending time with him just upsets you more then maybe try to have a chat with him about how his remarks can hurt you?

 

[theablekingathelstan]

I became friends with a man some months ago via a mutual friend, but am starting to doubt whether I want him as a friend any longer. Maybe I am being too sensitive, I don't know. Anyway, a few months ago he started calling to see me about two evenings a week without checking first if it was ok for him to come round. I have Asperger's and find unexpected visitors stressful. Last summer sometimes I would be in the back yard talking to a neighbour in the evening and I would not hear him at the front door, so he would get his lodger to phone me after he got home to say he had been round and I hadn't answered the door. When he comes he always wants fruit juice to drink and usually I give it to him, but two weeks ago I had a bad cold and as I have noone to get shopping for me and because I needed the vitamins in the juice for my cold, I said I needed to keep the juice I had so it didn't run out and asked him if he could have tea or coffee instead and he muttered that he had been drinking tea and coffee all day. He refused to accept a drink. I have been feeling very anxious and stressed about a certain issue which I won't go into here, but it is connected to my physical health and is a major worry, so I am not happy at all at present. Having no family to support me makes this issue far harder but when I said to him
If God had to give me AS and this other problem, why couldn't he have given me a family to help me with it?' he turned round and said 'God owes us nothing' in an angry and critical manner. Over the decades I have tried so hard to build a life for myself and have really fought to overcome my obstacle but sometimes things get way too much for me and I can't handle it. At such times it takes me all my time to get out of bed in the morning and the last thing I need is someone coming round and behaving like this. Am I being too sensitive?

No, he's being unreasonable and unsupportive.

 

[user 188522]

What ever happened to proper manners? Call before you visit!

 

[Macsimum Myers]

I became friends with a man some months ago via a mutual friend, but am starting to doubt whether I want him as a friend any longer. Maybe I am being too sensitive, I don't know. Anyway, a few months ago he started calling to see me about two evenings a week without checking first if it was ok for him to come round. I have Asperger's and find unexpected visitors stressful. Last summer sometimes I would be in the back yard talking to a neighbour in the evening and I would not hear him at the front door, so he would get his lodger to phone me after he got home to say he had been round and I hadn't answered the door. When he comes he always wants fruit juice to drink and usually I give it to him, but two weeks ago I had a bad cold and as I have noone to get shopping for me and because I needed the vitamins in the juice for my cold, I said I needed to keep the juice I had so it didn't run out and asked him if he could have tea or coffee instead and he muttered that he had been drinking tea and coffee all day. He refused to accept a drink. I have been feeling very anxious and stressed about a certain issue which I won't go into here, but it is connected to my physical health and is a major worry, so I am not happy at all at present. Having no family to support me makes this issue far harder but when I said to him
If God had to give me AS and this other problem, why couldn't he have given me a family to help me with it?' he turned round and said 'God owes us nothing' in an angry and critical manner. Over the decades I have tried so hard to build a life for myself and have really fought to overcome my obstacle but sometimes things get way too much for me and I can't handle it. At such times it takes me all my time to get out of bed in the morning and the last thing I need is someone coming round and behaving like this. Am I being too sensitive?

He is a selfish jerk. Will probably become controlling as well.
If he didn't immediately go and get YOU some juice, then lose him before he becomes a problem.
Hopefully he isn't a stalker.