I've always wondered if I was drugged...

[ewomack]

Years ago, one of my roommates dated a woman who, for lack of a better term, was a little "wild." After they broke up, her and I hung out for maybe a few months, at her instigation. She was a friend (and a past love interest) of another good friend of mine, so I thought why not? We didn't date or do anything beyond talking or watching movies and I never felt like she wanted that from me. I didn't have those feelings for her, at least. I remember more or less having a good time with her. Only years later, after I stopped talking to her and we lost track of each other, did I remember a very strange episode with her. She invited me to a townhouse that I had never heard of or seen before. She said "it's my cousin's and I'm watching it for him." I remember it being strangely sparsely furnished. She offered me some cola and not too long after finishing it I became immensely tired, to the point of losing control. I remember saying "wow, why am I so tired?" I have always been a night person and the sun was still up, so it was very unusual for me to become tired so early. I remember her saying "yeah!" in a strange, almost bizarrely happy, voice. Then I remember suddenly waking up, exactly where I had been before, and she was up walking around the room somewhere. I had a "where am I?" feeling. She didn't say anything about my "sudden nap," but I had a slight headache and so I left wondering why I had fallen asleep so strangely. She never said anything about it. I shook it off as a fluke and I didn't think about it for years.

Then I began hearing, little by little, the testimony of the women who had accused Bill Cosby of drugging them. I found these stories incredibly disturbing and infuriating, but it took listening to maybe 10 or more of them before I realized that I had had a very similar experience. One after another, they described drinking something, slowly losing control, and then suddenly waking up confused. One day I made the connection and thought "holy %$%#$" is that why I fell asleep so suddenly that one time years ago? I hadn't experienced that before or since. When I actually feel sleepy it's a completely different experience.

Occasionally, if I meditate on certain subjects, or focus intently, I experience a strange shaking. It feels like I'm trying to move, but something is holding me back. It begins involuntarily, but I can stop it. If I let it go too long, it becomes outright disturbing, almost scary. Once I let it go for maybe 5 minutes and I almost began thrashing. I went to a therapist about this, and a few other things, and she recommended EMDR treatments for me, thinking that I had a suppressed trauma. I told the EMDR specialist about the shaking and she said "that is your body's memory acting out what you wanted to do during whatever experience you had." I had not made the connection between the drink incident and the shaking at that time and my EMDR sessions ended up inconclusive, yet I somehow felt better after a year or so of sessions. Some sessions were excruciating and would suck all of the life out of me for at least a day. But there was never any explanation for those nebulous feelings.

Only in the past few months have I seen a possible connection between the drink incident and the shaking. The shaking feels as if I'm trying to escape from something, but I also feel strangely immobilized. I'm wondering if, following on the EMDR specialist's statement, that the shaking is caused from whatever happened to me when I "fell asleep" all those years ago. Knowing what I know now, I'm pretty sure that I was drugged that day. At the time I was still pretty young, naive and I trusted the person because she knew people that I knew, etc. I can't prove it, of course, but it all adds up. This woman, thinking back, was into drugs. She also confessed to me at the time that her and my roommate had broken up because she had slept with his brother. That takes "character." Others I knew also suspected her of putting drugs into their drinks, but more hallucinatory drugs, not knock-out drugs. I found this out some time after I stopped speaking to the woman, unfortunately, otherwise I would have thought twice about hanging out with her at all.

So, the obvious question remains: assuming that I was drugged, what happened to me? When I woke up I was fully clothed and seemed to be in exactly the same place I was in when I fell asleep. When I woke up, she was walking out of sight behind me, so I don't remember what state she was in. I remember leaving abruptly and she didn't seem to have any problem with that. She didn't think my "sudden nap" was strange, nor did she mention it at all. Today, I'm left suspecting something but with no way to prove or disprove a thing. I do remember this woman's name and I could probably get a hold of her and ask her. I don't know how good of an idea that would be and I'm not really sure that I want her to know how to get a hold of me. And if she did do something along the lines of raping me, I doubt she would admit that anyway. But if I was violated in some way, it would explain a few other strange things about me, things that I won't go into.

I've never really shared this story before because I only recently put some of the pieces together. So perhaps I'm just sharing and wondering what people's thoughts are. It's frustrating that I will probably never know, so I've concluded that it's something that I'll probably have to just live with. Anyway, there it is.

 

[user 148069]

I don't know what to say except this whole experience you had is very unsettling. Have you shared this story with your partner?

 

[ewomack]

I don't know what to say except this whole experience you had is very unsettling. Have you shared this story with your partner?

Thanks for your reply. Yet another fun, and long, post of mine, I know. I'm sure I've alienated a few people here, but that's often inevitable no matter what one does.

My wife knows everything about the therapy, etc. But I typed this up partially to get my thoughts straight on the subject before telling her. I've never mentioned the original episode to her, because I never thought anything of it until very recently. I'll certainly tell her, but I kind of dread doing so.

Despite everything, whatever the therapy, etc., is all about, I've been able to have a pretty functional life overall. So it's not a catastrophe, but "unsettling" is a good word. It, or something, has had a negative impact on my relationships and intimacy, but I've somehow managed to have a lot of relationships and maintain a long-term marriage anyway, so I still have a lot to be thankful for.

 

[ringwood]

I bookmarked this post last night so I could come back to it this morning.

Just judging from some of your other posts, it sounds like the lines of healthy communication are open between your wife and your self - in which case, I wouldn’t think you’d need to dread telling her about this episode. Sounds like you two are very supoortive and loving of each other. Needless to say, the memories of this past episode have left you feeling vulnerable and confused - I think opening up to your wife about it can only be a good thing. Not only to get it off your chest as you’ve done here, but also to work through some of these deeply-held and long-forgotten emotions with someone you love and trust.

As to trying to contact the wild woman in question - I’d veto that idea. Even if you do manage to track her down, what’s it going to accomplish? As you say, assuming she did do something to you, would she even admit to that? Doubtful. And let’s say she did - how to proceed? Would you want to pursue charges against her? Go through court and lawyers and all crap? I think you’re better off just leaving it as one of those mysteries you’ll never truly know the answer to. Sometimes digging up dirt reveals secrets best left hidden. . .

Kudos to you for sharing this though. I felt it deserved a more in-depth response rather than the ‘Wow’ I left you last night.

 

[ewomack]

I bookmarked this post last night so I could come back to it this morning.

Just judging from some of your other posts, it sounds like the lines of healthy communication are open between your wife and your self - in which case, I wouldn’t think you’d need to dread telling her about this episode. Sounds like you two are very supoortive and loving of each other. Needless to say, the memories of this past episode have left you feeling vulnerable and confused - I think opening up to your wife about it can only be a good thing. Not only to get it off your chest as you’ve done here, but also to work through some of these deeply-held and long-forgotten emotions with someone you love and trust.

As to trying to contact the wild woman in question - I’d veto that idea. Even if you do manage to track her down, what’s it going to accomplish? As you say, assuming she did do something to you, would she even admit to that? Doubtful. And let’s say she did - how to proceed? Would you want to pursue charges against her? Go through court and lawyers and all crap? I think you’re better off just leaving it as one of those mysteries you’ll never truly know the answer to. Sometimes digging up dirt reveals secrets best left hidden. . .

Kudos to you for sharing this though. I felt it deserved a more in-depth response rather than the ‘Wow’ I left you last night.

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it!

I should have added that I'm dreading sharing this with my wife because I know that it will upset her. But I also know it's for the best.

And I think you are right about not contacting the woman in question. I didn't think for a moment of pressing charges or pursuing litigation. Even if I did, what case would I have? I'm more interested in closure, but I've noticed that often closure is just a crazy dream. She did look at my Linked In profile maybe 5 or 6 years ago, but she didn't follow up with a message. So I know that she's still aware of me in some respect. I also don't want to accuse someone of something that I don't know that they did, but why do people drug other people? Not usually for good reasons.

Thinking about this makes me really feel for people who went through something similar and have no recourse. You're really helpless. You're left with this "what if" kind of feeling but have no information to actually go on. Then you feel guilty for thinking bad things about someone that you knew and then you think you're making too big of a deal out of it, and the cycle continues. I'm not interested in any kind of revenge, I just want to know if anything happened to me that had any implications for my later life. Otherwise, I can't react to or deal with it. But I likely won't get that.

Thank you again!