I've been a *********, and I'm afraid that's what I naturally am.

[Naizo]

My friend went through a break-up semi-recently and... well, we kissed and I went into "I love you" mode all-too quickly. My initial reaction was to tell her she needs to focus on herself and her happiness, but we started flirting and ended up kissing and... I just really instantly grew to want her to be my girl, you know how stupid men get. But she decided she wanted to focus on her, and that's absolutely reasonable and fine. However, I am a ********* that is not at all absolutely reasonable and fine, apparently. 

In the recent weeks I have tried to be understanding but I always end up trying to hit on her... and sometimes she will be very flirty back with me. But she doesn't want to -be- with someone, and I'm a ******* ******* that keeps taking that personally. 

She is my friend first and I keep losing sight of that. I did not realize I could be so petty, selfish, and insecure. 

I made her cry the other night and, It made me feel so low. So that I promised I would work on myself and let her worry about who she wanted to be with n stuff. If anyone.

And the very next day... I presented myself with a happy-go lucky attitude that I want to have, trying to be cheerful and a positive source for my friend and not a negative source of emotion. And gradually as she didn't text me back, I got more and more petty with my texts. Like she brought our co worker some food and didn't say hi to me or anything and I got pissy. 

I don't like being an *******... especially not to her. And i'm so afraid that this is who I am, who I'm going to be towards anyone that tries to be at all romantic with me... I didn't used to be so insecure. I feel like I deserve to be alone if I am going to act this way towards someone who genuinely loves me as a friend. 

I don't want to be her stand in boyfriend that she loves on and hugs on once a week though while she goes out and meets new people and finds someone she loves. I don't want to get used for my feelings and I feel like sometimes that's what is happening. My dad tells me that my feelings matter, and that "there's nothing wrong with being a man."

I feel like even though I have been single for nearly five years now, a lot of feelings I had towards my ex I translated into feelings for her. And that includes some extremely petty resentment, and I don't even know how that works but I know its not exactly healthy.

Idk how I'm supposed to feel, all I know is I feel like a very ****** friend, a very bad option for a romantic partner for anyone. I often feel like I should take my ticking time-bomb ass far away from anyone that may ever actually want to be with me and put up with my **** and just be alone.

 

[Naleena]

Hello Niazo

Perhaps your behavior wasn't the best, but you are not a "*********." I think you were very self-aware when you mentioned that some of the behavior came from your past experience with your ex. It sounds like you also need some healing time- time to reflect. What thoughts go through your head when you want to be "petty?" What is it that you are telling yourself that makes you have the kind of emotions that make you want to react the way you did? Do you feel powerless? Slightly used? You mentioned resentful. 


It sounds like you really had your heart in a good place. Please try not to beat yourself up. I think when you self-reflect and figure out why you did what you did, you will be able to correct it. 

Bottom line is that we all must take care of our past hurt so that it doesn't muck up our present or future. Perhaps it would be good to distance yourself from your friend for now? I'm just making suggestions. You know what is best for you.

Good luck!

 

[Yeti1980]

Ok, here goes...

I think it's a fairly common thing to have blurred-line problems with friends of the opposite sex. You're not a "*********", although it would be wiser to keep a firm line in the sand and not go down two routes at the same time. I'm not judging from on-high here, I have actually made this mistake myself and come away wiser.

Bottom line: 

*It's a common thing, don't beat yourself up
*She is also involved in this and it isn't for you to be taking it all upon yourself
*Be clear about friendship being friendship, and about "other things" being "other things". Blending the two is a mind and heart bender. Been there, done that.

 

[MissBehave]

I can relate to your feelings. I was a huge bitch at times. I can still be like that or at least get these big cravings to be it. It's hard to change a pattern but I'm trying. There are many things I wish I could take back.  
Reading your story doesn't really scream ********* behavior. Ofc, we all behave badly at times and I think this is one of those things. Self-reflection on your behavior does go a long way. You recognize your faults, you seem to want to learn from them. That matters. I wish the best for you and hope that you eventually feel better. I don't think she's the only one hurting in this story.

 

[Naizo]

whatever

 

[ardour]

It sounds like you’ve had a crush on this friend for a while, not that there's anything particularly wrong with it.

Yes you need to grow up and deal with your bitterness, blah blah... like we've all had to, but you already know that. At least you get to have these back-and-forth dramas and still keep her as a friend. The couple of times I developed a crush on a friend resulted in them wanting nothing to do with me from there on (as in never wanting to speak a to me again or be in the same physical space as me).

Also I think if we reversed the genders few people would judge it in such harsh terms.

 

[harper]

It's important to step back and look at things objectively.   We can only play the hand we were dealt-- not the one we were wishing for.  The confusion and resentment is probably because Reality isn't panning out the way you told yourself it should.  

Romantic relationships are exciting, joyful things.  She should want to be with you as much as you, with her... not wanting to 'work on herself' or pursue whichever arbitrary cliche comes to mind.

That said, there's nothing wrong with starting up with a person who's freshly out of (even a messy) breakup.  Just be sure you're reading the signs correctly.  Failing that, at least learn to identify a wrong road when you're on it.

Best of luck, though... these are the lessons that make us so much more capable in later years.  :O)

 

[LostintheBardo]

I'm pretty sure that if a guy came along that she was really sexually attracted to then the "I'm not ready yet" attitude would be gone in a flash. Kinda sounds like she was using you in all honesty.

 

[Naizo]

Eh, she was sexually attracted to me. I just got too emotional about it and ****.

Had a dream with her in it and her ass wouldn't even kiss me there, god damn. Lmfao. It's MY DREAM DAMNIT.

 

[harper]

Eh, she was sexually attracted to me. I just got too emotional about it and ****.

Had a dream with her in it and her ass  wouldn't even kiss me there, god damn. Lmfao. It's MY DREAM DAMNIT.

That's next-level rejection, right there! 

I think Yeti has some good insight, earlier in this thread.  As usual. 

Consider objectively what it was that caused her breakup with that other guy.  Did he leave her, or vice versa?  Might be time for you  to make a difficult decision and part ways as well.  Then, if she finds her way back to you, stipulate your own terms-- friends or lovers.  It's OK to want whatever it is that you want in any relationship. 

Either way, remember your experience with insecurity and avoid those situations.  You don't want that to be part of your personality.

 

[Rainbows]

I'm pretty sure that if a guy came along that she was really sexually attracted to then the "I'm not ready yet" attitude would be gone in a flash.  Kinda sounds like she was using you in all honesty.

this bro, sorry.