Joining in

[duff]

Over the years I have always got told by people to 'join in' or 'mix with people' - My Mam has gone on about this a lot.

The thing is when I do, I don't get welcomed, people are not friendly towards me. It just makes me not want to be involved with people. I used to enjoy playing football when I was younger. The trouble I had though, with other players shouting abuse or been utter ******s towards me, I gave up. I joined the golf club and had a similar experience, people just are not friendly and don't like me. That isn't everybody, some people at the golf club are nice enough but there are enough horrible people for me to stay away from the club as much as I can.

I have never been 'one of the boys' - always been on the outside.

Anyway I have got in photography in the last year. I enjoy it very much. I show the photo's to my family and occasionally at work to a select few. I post them on facebook but I hardly have any friends of there. Somebody at work said - why don't you join a club or get involved with other people into photography ?

So yesterday I joined this forum and posted a few of my photo's. And of course everything I did was wrong, the way I posted the photo's was wrong, the descriptions were wrong, the photo's were no good or whatever. I just thought 'I don't need you lot to enjoy my hobby. Balls to the lot of you !' - so I deleted it off my favourites list. I knew going in what would probably happen. So proved my theory !

The point is at nearly 45 years of age, I have the experience to know what's what. I know the score. I know to keep myself to myself.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Good for you for trying. Some people are just ****** bags, don't that discourage you from doing something you enjoy. Who cares what a bunch of jealous people think who probably take their hobby a bit too seriously.

 

[ladyforsaken]

^What Sci-Fi said. As long as you're happy and comfortable in what you enjoy doing, keep at it.

 

[duff]

Good for you for trying. Some people are just ****** bags, don't that discourage you from doing something you enjoy. Who cares what a bunch of jealous people think who probably take their hobby a bit too seriously.

I do find most forums (apart from this one !), you get people who think they own the place and they are not friendly at all !

 

[Naleena]

Balls to the lot of them? lol! You go, Duff...lol It is a shame people can't just enjoy a photo of a beautiful place.

 

[duff]

Balls to the lot of them? lol! You go, Duff...lol It is a shame people can't just enjoy a photo of a beautiful place.

thanks !

 

[Tiina63]

There are always people who will find things to carp and complain about wehatever you do. Some people I have met have met have given the impression that giving someone a compliment or saying something postive would kill them. Just do what you enjoy and try to ignore them.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Balls to the lot of them? lol! You go, Duff...lol It is a shame people can't just enjoy a photo of a beautiful place.

^^ This!!!

Keep doing what you enjoy. Who gives a crap what anyone else thinks about it - it's not about THEM.

 

[duff]

Balls to the lot of them? lol! You go, Duff...lol It is a shame people can't just enjoy a photo of a beautiful place.

^^ This!!!

Keep doing what you enjoy. Who gives a crap what anyone else thinks about it - it's not about THEM.

thanks for your kind words (everybody)

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Funny, was just thinking about and talking to one of my co-workers about this....

I'm watching Kid and totally amazed at how effortlessly it is for her to fit in with people she has just met. Within an hour of getting here yesterday she was off with her new-found friends running like a happy little nymph of the forest. She spent last night giggling into the wee hours in the "Girls Only" tent- I feel so happy for her that she's got that ability to fit in. At ten I was nothing like that- shy, withdrawn, and simply didn't fit in.

The co-worker I was talking too awhile ago is (or seemingly to me) one of the more popular people at work. She saw me taking pictures of a funky Bull Pine that's nearby so came over to chat. As we chatted she remarked that I don't really go out of my way to draw attention and how that kind of made me stand out in a way (lots of the guys out here are competing for alpha-male of the weekend, kind of funny and tragic- lots of competitiveness). I guess after so many years of doing my own thing and not usually in a group setting I've kind of got used to not thinking about how others view me. When I remarked that I just got used to not fitting in and found happiness doing my own thing her response (which I'm still trying to figure out) was along the lines of feeling like she didn't fit in and being unhappy. I was kind of surprised to hear that and said as much. Her response was that she's "popular" for the wrong reasons- she's attractive by most standards and gets a lot of attention from guys that she indicated was pretty much superficial (she deals with a lot of innuendo) and she figures a lot of the girls are pretty shallow in the "friendship" department (I've overheard some cattiness). She indicated that any time she really tries to talk about what she feels and thinks it doesn't get taken very seriously- gets remarks like "What could you possibly have to be upset about...".

It's been kind of an eye-opener for me to discover that someone who appeared to fit in still feels isolated in a way. She asked "Any advice you can give me?". I told her that I didn't know how to answer that question as I've never been the centre of attention as she frequently is, the obvious gender difference, and I figure at least ten years age difference.... She kind of laughed and said "An honest answer for a change, a guy who doesn't think he can turn me into what he thinks I should be."- we had a a good laugh over that one.

Funny about joining in, in my experience its never really what I thought it would be.

 

[xaero]

Good for you for trying! I don't try to fit in. It's pointless. I'd rather be myself than conform to some collectivist, hive-mind of ********. I get by in life by following this simple philosophy: Assume everyone and everything is **** until proven otherwise. It's worked thus far

 

[duff]

Funny, was just thinking about and talking to one of my co-workers about this....

I'm watching Kid and totally amazed at how effortlessly it is for her to fit in with people she has just met. Within an hour of getting here yesterday she was off with her new-found friends running like a happy little nymph of the forest. She spent last night giggling into the wee hours in the "Girls Only" tent- I feel so happy for her that she's got that ability to fit in. At ten I was nothing like that- shy, withdrawn, and simply didn't fit in.

The co-worker I was talking too awhile ago is (or seemingly to me) one of the more popular people at work. She saw me taking pictures of a funky Bull Pine that's nearby so came over to chat. As we chatted she remarked that I don't really go out of my way to draw attention and how that kind of made me stand out in a way (lots of the guys out here are competing for alpha-male of the weekend, kind of funny and tragic- lots of competitiveness). I guess after so many years of doing my own thing and not usually in a group setting I've kind of got used to not thinking about how others view me. When I remarked that I just got used to not fitting in and found happiness doing my own thing her response (which I'm still trying to figure out) was along the lines of feeling like she didn't fit in and being unhappy. I was kind of surprised to hear that and said as much. Her response was that she's "popular" for the wrong reasons- she's attractive by most standards and gets a lot of attention from guys that she indicated was pretty much superficial (she deals with a lot of innuendo) and she figures a lot of the girls are pretty shallow in the "friendship" department (I've overheard some cattiness). She indicated that any time she really tries to talk about what she feels and thinks it doesn't get taken very seriously- gets remarks like "What could you possibly have to be upset about...".

It's been kind of an eye-opener for me to discover that someone who appeared to fit in still feels isolated in a way. She asked "Any advice you can give me?". I told her that I didn't know how to answer that question as I've never been the centre of attention as she frequently is, the obvious gender difference, and I figure at least ten years age difference.... She kind of laughed and said "An honest answer for a change, a guy who doesn't think he can turn me into what he thinks I should be."- we had a a good laugh over that one.

Funny about joining in, in my experience its never really what I thought it would be.

I remember joining the junior golf club when I was 13. It was a nightmare ! I got bullied something rotten so I quit. I joined football teams and it was the same thing. Even though I was good at golf, I only joined the golf club when I was 27. I remember saying to my Dad - 'there is always one ******, everywhere you go !' - but I did join and within 2 years I was the club champion. Which caused more abuse. I go in the club itself as little as possible because of all the grief I've had. (One bloke called me a **** for no apparent reason !, another time this guy slated me in front of everybody at the AGM) Nowadays my name is all over the notice board, I have won loads of trophies yet most of the people there don't know who I am. I didn't go to the prize presentation for a few years (got abuse about that ), so I went one year and this bloke started giving me grief so I haven't been again.

I have tried to mix, join places but Ive never enjoyed it !

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Funny, was just thinking about and talking to one of my co-workers about this....

I'm watching Kid and totally amazed at how effortlessly it is for her to fit in with people she has just met. Within an hour of getting here yesterday she was off with her new-found friends running like a happy little nymph of the forest. She spent last night giggling into the wee hours in the "Girls Only" tent- I feel so happy for her that she's got that ability to fit in. At ten I was nothing like that- shy, withdrawn, and simply didn't fit in.

The co-worker I was talking too awhile ago is (or seemingly to me) one of the more popular people at work. She saw me taking pictures of a funky Bull Pine that's nearby so came over to chat. As we chatted she remarked that I don't really go out of my way to draw attention and how that kind of made me stand out in a way (lots of the guys out here are competing for alpha-male of the weekend, kind of funny and tragic- lots of competitiveness). I guess after so many years of doing my own thing and not usually in a group setting I've kind of got used to not thinking about how others view me. When I remarked that I just got used to not fitting in and found happiness doing my own thing her response (which I'm still trying to figure out) was along the lines of feeling like she didn't fit in and being unhappy. I was kind of surprised to hear that and said as much. Her response was that she's "popular" for the wrong reasons- she's attractive by most standards and gets a lot of attention from guys that she indicated was pretty much superficial (she deals with a lot of innuendo) and she figures a lot of the girls are pretty shallow in the "friendship" department (I've overheard some cattiness). She indicated that any time she really tries to talk about what she feels and thinks it doesn't get taken very seriously- gets remarks like "What could you possibly have to be upset about...".

It's been kind of an eye-opener for me to discover that someone who appeared to fit in still feels isolated in a way. She asked "Any advice you can give me?". I told her that I didn't know how to answer that question as I've never been the centre of attention as she frequently is, the obvious gender difference, and I figure at least ten years age difference.... She kind of laughed and said "An honest answer for a change, a guy who doesn't think he can turn me into what he thinks I should be."- we had a a good laugh over that one.

Funny about joining in, in my experience its never really what I thought it would be.

I remember joining the junior golf club when I was 13. It was a nightmare ! I got bullied something rotten so I quit. I joined football teams and it was the same thing. Even though I was good at golf, I only joined the golf club when I was 27. I remember saying to my Dad - 'there is always one ******, everywhere you go !' - but I did join and within 2 years I was the club champion. Which caused more abuse. I go in the club itself as little as possible because of all the grief I've had. (One bloke called me a **** for no apparent reason !, another time this guy slated me in front of everybody at the AGM) Nowadays my name is all over the notice board, I have won loads of trophies yet most of the people there don't know who I am. I didn't go to the prize presentation for a few years (got abuse about that ), so I went one year and this bloke started giving me grief so I haven't been again.

I have tried to mix, join places but Ive never enjoyed it !

My father was the baseball coach when I was in my early teens- I wasn't a gifted athlete so the other members of the "team", not wanting a klutz like me to drag them down, made my short period of time on the "team" a nightmare (details too disgusting and painful to want to write). I remember holding the tears and shame in and just not going to practice any more (never even got on the field for a game). My father never said a word about my not going anymore but had plenty to say when I joined soccer the next year- considered it a "wuss" game and never saw me play a single game. Years later it came up in a conversation and my father made it clear that I'd been such an embarrassment to him (amazing how drinking Jack Daniels brings out "wisdom" and "honesty" in people)- it actually felt pretty good to tell him that his contribution to me raising my child is to do do exactly the opposite of what he did when I was a kid- watching his cheeks flush, listening to him stammer in anger, and not being able to look me in the eyes gave me a great deal of satisfaction knowing I'd finally found a way to let him know how much he'd let me down.

---

Good for you for trying! I don't try to fit in. It's pointless. I'd rather be myself than conform to some collectivist, hive-mind of ********. I get by in life by following this simple philosophy: Assume everyone and everything is **** until proven otherwise. It's worked thus far

I don't agree with "Assume everyone and everything is **** until proven otherwise." as its limiting, defeatist, and presumptive. I tend to go more with the attitude of don't expect/assume anything and be pleasantly surprised when you discover realness.

 

[xaero]

I don't agree with "Assume everyone and everything is **** until proven otherwise." as its limiting, defeatist, and presumptive. I tend to go more with the attitude of don't expect/assume anything and be pleasantly surprised when you discover realness.

Which is essentially the same thing.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I don't agree with "Assume everyone and everything is **** until proven otherwise." as its limiting, defeatist, and presumptive. I tend to go more with the attitude of don't expect/assume anything and be pleasantly surprised when you discover realness.

Which is essentially the same thing.

It's completely different xaero- your philosophy makes the determination everything is **** and has to earn your notice, mine assumes nothing and can go anywhere from there. Yours starts with negativity (much harder to overcome), mine starts with no expectation which is neither negative or positive, it's simply neutral.

Not the same.

 

[duff]

I don't agree with "Assume everyone and everything is **** until proven otherwise." as its limiting, defeatist, and presumptive. I tend to go more with the attitude of don't expect/assume anything and be pleasantly surprised when you discover realness.

Which is essentially the same thing.

It's completely different xaero- your philosophy makes the determination everything is **** and has to earn your notice, mine assumes nothing and can go anywhere from there. Yours starts with negativity (much harder to overcome), mine starts with no expectation which is neither negative or positive, it's simply neutral.

Not the same.

like I say, I've tried joining in and mixing with people and it hasn't worked. I've given it a go though. I just prefer my own company and the things I do tend to reflect this.

In teams there is always a 'pecking order' going on. Nobody dare say anything to the best player or the star player or the son of the manager. I was always lowest in the pecking order. So I took all the ****. My Dad watched me play and he was never my biggest fan but he said I was one of the best players. Yet I took all the **** from the other players and people on the side lines. That's why I enjoy playing golf. It's an individual game. Nobody slags me off !

 

[xaero]

It's completely different xaero- your philosophy makes the determination everything is **** and has to earn your notice, mine assumes nothing and can go anywhere from there. Yours starts with negativity (much harder to overcome), mine starts with no expectation which is neither negative or positive, it's simply neutral.

Not the same.

Realism*

And, it is the same in the sense that we both start off not being positive towards people or things. I'm realistic (not negative) about things, based simply on my own experiences. My philosophy doesn't apply to everyone, but like I said, it has worked for me thus far. In fact, it has protected me.

 

[Cavey]

I know what you mean. When I was younger, I tried desperately to fit in and it never really happened; I always felt on the outside. I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere, but I've learned to deal with it better. Take this forum as an example: I don't try and fit in or conform, I just post what I feel like posting. If people like what I write or agree with my thoughts, then that's great, but if they just think I'm a massive tosser, then that's fine too.

I don't change who I am to fit some pattern and I don't expect others to change who they are either. I just try to be myself and hope that I'll meet others with similar thought and interests.

 

[duff]

I know what you mean. When I was younger, I tried desperately to fit in and it never really happened; I always felt on the outside. I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere, but I've learned to deal with it better. Take this forum as an example: I don't try and fit in or conform, I just post what I feel like posting. If people like what I write or agree with my thoughts, then that's great, but if they just think I'm a massive tosser, then that's fine too.

I don't change who I am to fit some pattern and I don't expect others to change who they are either. I just try to be myself and hope that I'll meet others with similar thought and interests.

that's good you don't change just to fit in. I am like that too !
A lot of people just go along with what everybody else does just to fit in.

 

[ardour]

My father was the baseball coach when I was in my early teens- I wasn't a gifted athlete so the other members of the "team", not wanting a klutz like me to drag them down, made my short period of time on the "team" a nightmare (details too disgusting and painful to want to write). I remember holding the tears and shame in and just not going to practice any more (never even got on the field for a game). My father never said a word about my not going anymore but had plenty to say when I joined soccer the next year- considered it a "wuss" game and never saw me play a single game. Years later it came up in a conversation and my father made it clear that I'd been such an embarrassment to him (amazing how drinking Jack Daniels brings out "wisdom" and "honesty" in people)- it actually felt pretty good to tell him that his contribution to me raising my child is to do do exactly the opposite of what he did when I was a kid- watching his cheeks flush, listening to him stammer in anger, and not being able to look me in the eyes gave me a great deal of satisfaction knowing I'd finally found a way to let him know how much he'd let me down.

An unpopular kid or teenager can forget about team sports, they're a nightmare even when -and often because they have potential. Ironic how adults like to talk about the character building value when for some they merely serve as a physically painful reminder of social outcast status.


1. It's impossible to play a constructive role in the team because nobody ever passes the ball to you (rugby, soccer or basketball as examples) That means you never get any real practice. You could be wide open... doesn't matter. They pass to their friends, end of story. Your position is essentially empty. Eventually you get benched or pushed off the team.
2. Flat out assault. Even in non-contact sports. I'm not talking about a push or shove here; elbows to the face, kicked while on the ground etc.
3. The shame of having your parents or other relatives witness this from the sidelines.

I wonder how many half-decent individuals never got to know what they were capable of because of the team "situation".


solution.. play tennis, it's fun and no obnoxious team members unless you're forced into doubles.