just a hello

[michael]

hello. well its me , michael, here for my first post other than my intro. well as some may know of my situation i wont bother with details. I AM SO DESPERATELY LONELY NOW AS IT SEEMS I WONT MAKE XMAS.damn caps.lol.......sorry.
as i said , it seems that my time is running out and i will be lucky to see the end of the year. i am out of breath and energy nearly all the time now and i only shower when i really need too as just getting up the stairs takes it all out of me. once im up stairs i have to rest half an hour before i shower and once i shower and back down stairs i am exhausted. im also sleeping about 14-16 hrs a day now. i look forward to the day i fall asleep and just dont wake up. ive been told it is one of the most peaceful ways to go ,so im glad of that. i know at 44 its still young to be going but i feel all the pain will end and the miserable life i had will soon be forgotten(if even remembered). i just wish i could talk to someone who understands and excepts my decision. under normal circumstances someone in my position would fight and try to hold on but without my ex and my little angels ,i see no point. i think thats why the disease is picking up pace and progressing faster than it normally would have.
lol.......just a stupid thought.............(laughing) after 15yrs i wish i could have sex.......? oh well
please if there is anyone who would like to chat with me please let me know .
regards ,
michael

 

[Bluey]

Hi again michael. I hope your on a good day to day. Do you not have a carer come in and help you with the shower and just the moor mondiaen things that we all have to do from day to day?

Can I ask a couple of things if I may? Firstly are you in any physical pain? and secondly are you frightened of dying?

If you had the chance to be well again and for this to go away would you take it? If the answer is yes then why are you not fighting this?

I know you have not seen your kids in many years. OK you say you don't wont to hurt them. But if I had a dad that died and I never got the chance to meet and say goodbye that would hurt. I know your just trying to protect them but they are probably stronger then you give them credit for.

You michael really do have nothing to lose here. I would try and get in contact with your children. As for as deciding to not fight this. Well this is up to you of course. But give your self a chance to be happy for a bit. Why do you not wont to talk to your kids why you still have the chance?

A lot of questions I know but this is cos we know so little about you.

 

[Naleena]

(((((((((Michael))))))))))
I've thought about you and wondered how you were doing. I sent you a couple of notes when you first came to us but, don't know if you ever got them. I will be glad to listen if you need a friend. I can only imagine how lonely it must be for you right now. Write me if you would like to talk.

Naleena

 

[zem]

Hi Michael,

My heart goes out to you. I hope you're doing better.

I really think you should talk to your kids. If that's too hard, you should write to them or do something to get in contact with them. You're their father, and they'll regret it terribly if they hadn't communicated with you until it was too late. When my mom passed away, lots of things went on in my head, but I mostly felt overwhelmingly guilty for not being with her more (I was at college) and having a proper last conversation. I really think that talking to your kids, saying what must be said and seeing them while you can will give both parties a sense of completion and peace.

 

[scotsgirl]

Michael, I am so sorry that life has made you feel you want no more of it. I read your post yesterday and I kept thinking about it, Like what can I say to this guy?
You seem to have an acceptance of your situation, I admire you for that, don't think I would be so brave. I just want to echo what others have said about getting in touch with your kids in some way. I really think that's important, for you and them.

 

[JustLost]

i just wish i could talk to someone who understands and excepts my decision. under normal circumstances someone in my position would fight and try to hold on but without my ex and my little angels ,i see no point. i think thats why the disease is picking up pace and progressing faster than it normally would have.
lol.......just a stupid thought.............(laughing) after 15yrs i wish i could have sex.......? oh well

It's hard enough for a person to be lonely, but coupled with a severe sickness I can't even imagine. I'm sure there's plenty of people here who are willing to listen and help in any way that they can...but, if you need one more feel free to drop me a line or two. I'm always around.

If it means anything, the fact that you're still here and fighting makes you a true warrior in my book. Best of luck...

 

[michael]

Hi to those who asked questions and thanks for your replies.
Bluey asked a few so I guess ill try to answer those the best I can.
Yes I am in some minor pain, I sometimes get chest pain and and it feels like a pulling on my chest. Sometimes I get very light headed as it seems I might faint. I have fainted a cpl of times, at least I think it was fainting, just get very light feeling and my heart feels like its missed a beat and my legs buckle and down I go. I wake almost straight away. Did it outside once and scraped my head on a brick wall, had nasty gravel rash on my forehead for a few days...lol..
If i had the chance to be well again would I take it? To be honest no , I dont think so. When Debbie left and took the kids my world ended and I have struggled all these yrs to get on with my life and to move forward but I just cant do it.......I chose to drive roadtrains because I just didnt want anyone near me I just lost the will for life and to function outside work. This will sound silly but I feel that I have been dead for all these yrs and my body just wouldnt stay still. I lost all hope and faith and couldnt see myself getting better. The funny thing is, I longed for death but was too scared of suicide. When I was diagnosed I was already in hospital and it makes me angry that I had my heart failure there because anywhere else and I would have died but because I was already in and being monitered I was "saved".
I have spent about 8 weeks in hospital over 4 stays in the last 16 months and Im afraid to go again in case I never come out. I will admit that as time gets closer and I get sicker I am getting very scared, not of dying but dying alone .I so want to feel loved.
I have the forms here with me and they are all filled out for the salvos to locate my children but I struggle so much in the letter I must write to be passed on to my children. I cant find the words and yet I want to say so much .
There are things about me that I am not proud of and I know I could have done better with my life. There are many people who have tried to help and I have betrayed them because I have been blinded by my pain. Over the years I have hurt alot of people, not intentionally, but still have hurt them. People have lent me money and I havent paid them back, tried to give me guidence and I have turned my back .
I guess I deserve what is/has happened to me . I just regret so much that even with a chance of getting better I dont want it. I am so unhappy and so lost without my wife and Dillan and Jess.
I cry most nights, even after 15 yrs, they are always in my thoughts and the first conscious thought I have when I wake is Debbie. I want to hate her, I want to stop loving her but I cant.
The worst pain is knowing she is with another and my kids grew up calling someone else daddy.
I would do anything just to talk to her and hold her hand again.
Even now the tears are flowing, its just so hard.
I am no angel but I never hurt her or my kids and I cant understand why I have been punished like this.
I would love to hold onto someone and cry but I cant even do that.
People I apologies for my writing , as you can tell im not that well educated and not really that good with a computer so forgive me.
Michael

 

[Minus]

....I kept thinking about it, Like what can I say to this guy?

Michael words fail me also. I am so sorry for your losses and i can understand you decision to stop your medication. I wish there was something that i could say that may possibly be of some small comfort but words fail me as they so often do. I do wish you the best whatever that may be for you.

There are things about me that I am not proud of and I know I could have done better with my life.

I would imagine that many of us would feel that way. Many things in retrospect that we would have done differently.

 

[Bluey]

Michael you are honest here in that you tell us all that you have not always been a good person and even not paid money back that you have borrowed and stuff like that. Well we all have things in life that we regret and things that we should maybe have handled differently. Thing is its hard to forgive someone when they have not treated you right. I think its even harder to forgive your self. Think about it. If you have done wrong by someone when do you stop beating your self up over it? I mean that person you are looking for forgiveness from may never forgive you. Dose this mean that you have to carry that with you for all your life? I would say if you know with in yourself that you have changed then you hopefully well fined it with in your self not just to forgive the wrong doings that have been made against you but to forgive yourself for what you have done to others. This way where able to draw a line under things and then move on.

If I had kids and I know that they was calling some other man dad I would to be very hurt by this but at the same time would hopefully understand why my kids would be doing that. Dose not stop it from hurting even if you understand I know. just as you can still love someone but at the same time not like them.

We all here have a limited time in this life. I mean anyone of us could go to day. So we all have to make the most out of the time we have left. You know roughly what time you have and have to make the most of that. set your self a time when you know you well have free time in the day and a time you know that you well be feeling up to seating down and writing a letter out to your kids. make sure there are no distractions and keep to the time. you may even rip it up and start again like a million times. But I feel for you its going to be probably one of the most important letters you ever Write. You ow it to yourself and to your kids to talk be for its to late. You know there are a lot of ppl in the world that have fall out with there kids and never talk again. Probably cos they think they have all the time in the world, You know you do not. I would say that should give you moor motivation then most ppl that don't talk to family members.

And no need to apologias about the gammer mate. I have the worst grammar ever. Its not important. Just as long as we understand one another and I would not have thought your grammar was bad at all.

 

[RobertJW]

What a gut wrenching post. A few things in it that ring true with me, especially about still loving the ex.

Don't know what else to say mate........really. This is the most emotional posting I have read on here.

 

[michael]

hello all, just saying hi again as it seems this is the only place i feel i can express myself. was wondering if any one lives in melbourne?
please people dont feel sorry for me and i say that with true respect to those who have offered there sympathies but in so many ways i feel i deserve what is happening to me. i sometimes think that either this life or a past life i have wronged someone or have taken things for granted and this is why it seems my life has been full of such bad luck and sadness. being so alone most of the time give a person so much time to think and reflect and to me i have had so little happiness and things to be thankful for. being overweight most of my life and just not being real smart. i get angry at those who seem to have so much, good looks,wealth ,children , lover/s,it just seems so unfair. it also anger me to see people(male and female) treat there partners/lovers with contempt and or abuse and those lovers/partners stick around. i hate to see these same people abuse or neglect there children yet the get to raise them. i used to think i was an o.k. person but now i am watching the clock as it were it just strikes me that maybe i am an ******* that deserves this.......
the anger rises when i think of the injustice....i never hurt my wife or children, never even raised my voice to the kids, and sure as a married cpl we had a few arguments , i never thought and still dont think they were violent or abusive or even loud, they just were a married cpls disagreement and if anyone can say that they have never had one with someone they love then u are a much better humen being than me..............
i feel so betrayed by life and by "god".
mick

 

[Bluey]

Mick, dude, why do you think you deserve this? OK so you ripped a few ppl off. That is not normally a crime punishable by death and pain. You have always treated your wife and kids good you say. So again you have not done anything wrong. You even go as far to say that other ppl treating there partners bad angers you. This are the words of a good person and a person that deserves to be happy.

I sometimes think I might have been a bad one in another life. Reason - I seat here alone typing this to you and have been single for 15 years and have lived alone for most of that as well. I have health problems my self. But yet I look at myself as good person. I don't deserve the misfortune no moor then you deserve what you have been given to deal with. Its just luck I think.

 

[scotsgirl]

Michael glad you posted again and you feel you can express yourself here. Hope in some way it's helping you. There are many kind people on this site.
I'm not very good on the computer either but with a LOT of help did manage to visit the chatroom, if you wanted to I'm sure people would help you with that and it may help a bit with the loneliness.
Hope you post again as there are people who really want to listen to you.

 

[Naleena]

Hello Mick,
Nice to see you around again

 

[michael]

hi to all who were kind enough to say hello.....and even a big hello to those who read but dont comment.
well things have gone frrom bad to worse(and i didnt think they could.....lol). i am forced to move .
when i was diagnosed with my illness i was living alone in brisbane and was working and doing o.k., not happy but o.k. .when i fell ill and was hospitalised, my family here in melb. were notified. my mother came to brisbane and convinced me to come back to melbourne and live with her and she would look after me...... we have been estranged for about 12 yrs. i didnt want to as i dont get on with her or anyone else in my family. anyway after i got down hear all we/i did was fight with her and my siblings,3 brothers and a sister, all of whom except a brother were back living at home.43 me, and brothers 38 and 26 and one sister 34. anyway with my condition i found stairs to difficult so my mum decided she would sell and get a new home.....we have been living in this townhouse in footscray for 7 months while she is deciding on the house she wants, sold her home in november. when i say we , i mean my mother, my sister and her 9 y.o. son. here lies the problem and if any of you can offer advice please feel free.
as i say its a town house and i cant use the stairs so i am living down here in the main living area on a single bed tucked into the corner with just a small bedside chest of drawers and this computer at the end of the bed on a small computer table. now let me share a few things with you. we have cable t.v. with 2 sets of tvs and cable boxes, one upstairs in my sisters bedroom that she shares with her son, till about 2 months ago they shared the same bed. my mother has the other bedroom and the third bedroom is for storage for the furniture my mother and sister are buying for the new house. they also have 3 dogs and two cats, all house pets. the bad thing is these dogs are large breeds, a merrima, a sheep defence dog, a kangal, a afghan sheep defence dog...they can kill a bear, and a belgian shepard.... i like dogs but not that size, and not in the house.
as these is the only computer my sister has taken it over,its mine, but to save agruments and the bullsh@t i let her have her way. she gets on early and stays on all day till about 2 in the morning,thats why im writing this at 4:06am.so i can never go to bed early. now her car has broken down so untill this week(school holidays) i have been going to bed anytime from 2am to 4am but have to get up at eight to take her son to school and when i get back guess who is on the computer , so going back to sleep is out of the question. while it is school holidays i thought i could get some sleep ins,...lmao... not a chance....the kid is up at 8 with the tv on, no chance of him watching upstairs, and my sister if she is awake banging on the keys of the computer.......yesterday it all came to a head, let me run you thru the night, .....sister was on til 2:30 so i get to bed at 3am, the cats had a fight......on my bed.....at 5am , i woke up to be severely scratched on my back....got back to sleep and then at about 8:30 two of the three dogs thought it would be fun to jump on me and my bed......now remember i have a heart problem and im not suppossed to have scares.....so i went off....the response, if i dont like it move out.......it wonderful to have l
i dont like my sister , her boy or my mother, why ? ask me and ill tell you.
anyway , i am now looking for somewhere to live but with prices so high thats near impossible...........and i have to start from sctratch.
i dont know why im telling you but i just have to vent.
mick

 

[RobertJW]

Man what a dysfunctional family you have. They might have let you move in but they arent being very ******* helpful are they?

Dont they CARE about your illness???

 

[Scott]

Mick,

I'm real sorry that you're having to go through this. Whilst I've no experience of living with physical illness, I can sympathise with you about the trying to hate someone to move on from them, and I can tell you it didn't really work for me either. The one saying I know is true, is that love can be the best and worst emotion.

As for words to tell your kids, I think that a lot of what you wrote here of your feelings towards them might be appropriate. I think every person that reads your posts here can sense how deep your love for them is, and your longing to be and have been more in their lives.

When my father died, with another woman and family, he didn't even think to leave any way for my mother to be contacted, to let her know anything had happened, even though he must have known more likely sooner than later it was on the cards. I don't think I could care any less about not knowing personally, anyone who would do that to a woman as loyal as my mother who loved him for 30 years+ is not worth my thoughts. But what would I give for 2 minutes to speak with my grandad before he died. I love and respect that man so so much but never got the chance to talk with him before he left us. While I'm typing that now I think, well I had near 25 years to do it and I wasted all that time... I guess what I'm trying to say is make sure you tell your kids what you really feel, that will stay with them for the rest of their lives.

Sorry to be so somber, maybe I should try to be more bright here but your post made me think myself about some things.

Wishing you the very best.

 

[Bluey]

That is not good, I agree with RobertJW in that they did have you move in but no their not being very supportive. You need your own room. A space where you can close the door and be left alone. To sleep or just to rest when ever you like. If your not getting this and I would say from your post you are definitely not then ye it dose look like you moving back in has not real worked. How about you live in a support center or something. I can't think of the correct word here for you. Like you would be in a Worden controlled place. If you go to your social serveries over there they should be able to help. I would even think about having a word with your doctor next time you see him and explain to him that your glad for the help in the practical things your family is giving you but explain that its a madhouse and your just not getting the rest and peace that you need there. Doctors normally can get things moving and not just in a medical way but they can be helpful in other things like getting you a place to live that is going to suite your needs.

OR You have a spear room upstairs that you can not use right. well how about you have a stair lift put in? Is this possible in your place. I mean if it is you would still be able to get all the practical help you need and have a room of your own where you could go to rest when ever your liked.

 

[michael]

hi, well things have gone from bad to even worse..........i now have nowhere to live............i can only afford 200 p.w. and i cant find anything near a hospital for that price so i am desperately looking for a place but need to share.......is there anyone in melb. that is also looking for a place....i am desperate.
mick

 

[Bess]

Oh my God