Just Another Day

[xremovedx]

It's 1:43 pm. I am sitting down in a secluded area of my University. I'm in the shade, with my back against a building and this computer on my lap. Sometimes when I sit here, I wish that the few scattered people with their headphones and books would leave for just a few seconds so I could scream and hear what it sounds like, see what it feels like. I was going to make it a point to be more outgoing this week. I was going to introduce myself to people, ask people to hang out, not sit down here like I do every week when I have a long break. My morning started out with me walking to the benches in one part of school. There is an old guy who plays the guitar in front of one of the buildings over there. I was going to introduce myself to him because he sounds like a cool guy, maybe ask him if he could teach me something. As I was sitting next to him, I could have said something, but I didn't. I'm not even really sure why. I was scared of something. Then, the people he knows by name came and I felt like an outsider. I walked to class. After class I walked through the main part of school where the clubs and organizations table and hand out fliers. I usually stop by this one table because a few people know my name as I have half-feigned interest in their organization. But after our 10-15 second hello/small talks, they turn away to talk to the people they really know and I am facing no one. I am just standing there like a deer in headlights. So, I walk away and eat a hot dog. As I walked back towards this place of solitude I passed by John the guitar player again and this time he had even more people who he knew around him. It looks so beautiful, the solidarity and laughter and happiness that these social circles share, the events they attend together, the stories they share, the opinions and information they share, the intimacy. And so now I am here again. I have watched the shadow of the building I am leaning against change its angle for the last hour or so. And after my next class is over again, I'll drive home, feel sorry for myself, study, and get my 8-9 hours rest so I can do it all over again tomorrow.

I don't live on campus like the vast majority of the other kids that go here. I walk past them all, look into their faces and know that I don't belong with them and that I won't share moments with them, I won't go to parties with them, I won't eat with them, I won't share with them. Everyday, when my classes are over, I make the 45 minute drive home and lay back on my bed. It's not all horrible though. The main silver lining to my social position is actually that long drive itself. Throughout my adolescence, driving and listening to music has been my solace. The music speaks to me and for me. I roll down the windows that I can and I scream along and share my pain with the voices and the melodies. They tell me that I'm not alone and we share. I would love to share my pain and happiness with the people I walk past, I know there has to be someone that shares these same feelings of frustration and resentment. But my brain won't let me. I just sit here and type or write in my journal. The area that I am sitting in is like an enclosed part of a building where the center of the building is actually outdoors. I just whistled to see if there was an echo, quiet enough to not disturb the one person that is sitting about 100 feet away reading. There may have been a small one.

 

[AngryLoner]

I know how you feel man, it seems like every day I tell myself I'll try harder, I'll act friendlier, or I'll actually talk to someone today... but it never pans out. It's sad but I can never muster more than a "hi" or "how's it going" before I avert my eyes back to the floor. Even as I type this one of my room mates has some friends over and they're all laughing it up and having a good time. of course as I walked by he said hi and once again I just said "hey" and continued on before locking myself in my room. sigh...

 

[Lost_N_Alone]

Your day sounds like so many I had when I was in college. Always watching crowds go by. Wishing and wanting to be a part of them but never knowing what to say or when to say it. The few people who talked to me I could never seem to get passed superficiality. What's worse than being a commuter and not fitting in is living on campus and not fitting in. I watched and listened while my roomates and dorm mates would party, drink, get laid or just plain hang out while all I did was sit in my room and listen to music or read.

You have a very eloquent way of writing. I hope to read more of it. I'm glad you found this site because you're not alone.

 

[Blue Sky]

It's 1:43 pm. I am sitting down in a secluded area of my University. I'm in the shade, with my back against a building and this computer on my lap. Sometimes when I sit here, I wish that the few scattered people with their headphones and books would leave for just a few seconds so I could scream and hear what it sounds like, see what it feels like. I was going to make it a point to be more outgoing this week. I was going to introduce myself to people, ask people to hang out, not sit down here like I do every week when I have a long break. My morning started out with me walking to the benches in one part of school. There is an old guy who plays the guitar in front of one of the buildings over there. I was going to introduce myself to him because he sounds like a cool guy, maybe ask him if he could teach me something. As I was sitting next to him, I could have said something, but I didn't. I'm not even really sure why. I was scared of something. Then, the people he knows by name came and I felt like an outsider. I walked to class. After class I walked through the main part of school where the clubs and organizations table and hand out fliers. I usually stop by this one table because a few people know my name as I have half-feigned interest in their organization. But after our 10-15 second hello/small talks, they turn away to talk to the people they really know and I am facing no one. I am just standing there like a deer in headlights. So, I walk away and eat a hot dog. As I walked back towards this place of solitude I passed by John the guitar player again and this time he had even more people who he knew around him. It looks so beautiful, the solidarity and laughter and happiness that these social circles share, the events they attend together, the stories they share, the opinions and information they share, the intimacy. And so now I am here again. I have watched the shadow of the building I am leaning against change its angle for the last hour or so. And after my next class is over again, I'll drive home, feel sorry for myself, study, and get my 8-9 hours rest so I can do it all over again tomorrow.

I don't live on campus like the vast majority of the other kids that go here. I walk past them all, look into their faces and know that I don't belong with them and that I won't share moments with them, I won't go to parties with them, I won't eat with them, I won't share with them. Everyday, when my classes are over, I make the 45 minute drive home and lay back on my bed. It's not all horrible though. The main silver lining to my social position is actually that long drive itself. Throughout my adolescence, driving and listening to music has been my solace. The music speaks to me and for me. I roll down the windows that I can and I scream along and share my pain with the voices and the melodies. They tell me that I'm not alone and we share. I would love to share my pain and happiness with the people I walk past, I know there has to be someone that shares these same feelings of frustration and resentment. But my brain won't let me. I just sit here and type or write in my journal. The area that I am sitting in is like an enclosed part of a building where the center of the building is actually outdoors. I just whistled to see if there was an echo, quiet enough to not disturb the one person that is sitting about 100 feet away reading. There may have been a small one.

Well by reading your post, it seems to me like you want to meet and be social with these people, but maybe your a bit shy.
What if you firstly walked past the guy playing the guitar and said hello to him on the way past, and the next time you walk past him, say a little bit more. If you do these things in small steps it's alot easier. It can take alot of courage to do these things, but it's worth it in the end.

 

[SadRabbit]

Haha, welcome to the life of the university, where each day, you wake up, you dress, you shuffle between classrooms and lecture halls, go back and do tutorials and sleep. University, the institution of zombification =) Hummm on a serious note, humm like what i always say, yes it is very hard for us to make friends, but maybe you can try taking small steps, like talking to the people in your tutorial groups or even joining a club...I for one, do not belong to any club so ya, i pretty know very few people. Well just say, i am quite lucky to know some people from my previous school in the same university as me, so it does not get so bad, but ya it can be lonely at times...=(

 

[DeathByDrowBlades]

Yeah, my day is pretty much like that too. The only difference is that it's high school, not college. I'll wake up in the morning and tell myself that I'm going to be more social but it never works out most of the time. I'll just go from class to class so I can get the day over with and go home and play video games for the rest of the night...

 

[smitty]

The main silver lining to my social position is actually that long drive itself. Throughout my adolescence, driving and listening to music has been my solace. The music speaks to me and for me.

When I used to have a car, on especially lonely nights, I would drive. Just drive towards nowhere in particular with music the whole way. Sometimes a simple late night errand (hey, get milk or something) would turn into hours of cruising and melodies.

So, I can relate to what you do with the driving. Oh, and the university thing too. I seem to be put in these unusual situations where a normal person would say something or introduce themselves but I never do. It's only in passing and I seem like a stranger in a strange land.