Knowing you were meant to die early

[lonelyloser]

Does anyone ever feel like you were meant to die early? I certainly do. Here are some facts about me:

1) Family history of depression/suicide/bipolar disorder, among other things
2) Parental neglect/physical abuse/verbal abuse
3) Loneliness since the day I was born
4) Prolonged sense of worthlessness and lack of motivation
5) Not one close relationship with anyone

I don't think anyone can survive all of this. So, in my case, it was always a matter of when I was going to give up. Now I finally understand myself.

 

[armor4sleepPA]

I wonder whether or not you feel you control your own fate? I've found that while some things are determined for us, and are beyond our lotus of control, we do have a certain amount of influence in how our lives turn out. You do have several things to deal with, I won't argue with that... but think of everyone who had "story book" lives yet still took their lives! I've also seen kids survive unbelievably difficult odds, and make something of themselves.

I think you should look at the choices you've made, and examine how much control you have in your life. I'd be curious to know...

A4S

 

[toxic-tears]

Sometimes I was thinking of being dead at this young age. I wasn't thinking of suicidal factor, but I was thinking about accidents in the future, fatal diseases that will occure in my health. That unpridictable things...

Sometimes I envy some of my known friends from passing away. But I am glad that I am still alive.

I think we tend to think of being dead in the moment when we are down, depresse, lonely, etc... But we neglect to think of how wonderful life is and would be in our future.

I don't know if the things that I'm saying here is related to the thead.. But yeah, that what I have to say.

 

[Matt]

Well, every single male in my dad's family died before the age of 34 from a brain tumor - with the exception of my dad, who was the first to live past that age (he did require brain surgery, though; and overall he's had at least three near-death experiences). I don't know if I'll also get a brain tumor, but even if it could be solved from brain surgery, I'd rather not undergo that. =/

These:

2) Parental neglect/physical abuse/verbal abuse
3) Loneliness since the day I was born
4) Prolonged sense of worthlessness and lack of motivation
5) Not one close relationship with anyone

...have all applied to me at some point in my life, with the exception of parental neglect. But I don't think these would cause me to die sooner; I wouldn't commit suicide because I have too strong of a curiosity.

 

[lonelyloser]

I wonder whether or not you feel you control your own fate? I've found that while some things are determined for us, and are beyond our lotus of control, we do have a certain amount of influence in how our lives turn out. You do have several things to deal with, I won't argue with that... but think of everyone who had "story book" lives yet still took their lives! I've also seen kids survive unbelievably difficult odds, and make something of themselves.

I think you should look at the choices you've made, and examine how much control you have in your life. I'd be curious to know...

A4S

You make an interesting point - and yes, some kids who had rough childhoods became something big. However, I feel that everything I've gone through certainly happened for a reason, and even if I made different choices it wouldn't have made a difference cause my issues still would have been there. Everything from where I went to college, to where I got my first job, to who I became friends with, I really don't think it was by chance, and I have my reasons for that which are kind of hard to explain. Even though for a while things seemed fine, I sort of foresaw my problems eventually happening, because of the environment that I was in. For several years, I knew something about me was "off"...so the fact that I'm in this state right now, does not really come to any surprise to me and I really believe that even if I made different choices I would have ended up in a paralyzing state of emptyness.

 

[NeverMore]

I grew up for the longest time believing that everything happened for a reason, that things were meant to be how they end up, but it's not true, things don't happen for a reason, we live on one big ball of random. You weren't "meant" to die early, the odds are against you and us all, it was just the hand we were dealt. Trust me, my family genetics are terrible too, one side alcoholic, one side mentally ill, we just have to rise above what we are even comprised of to become something that is entirely different, it's possible, even if your parents treated you terrible, and damaged your feelings of worth, it doesn't have to be permanent, as a matter of fact all of those problems can be fixed

3) Loneliness since the day I was born

You found your way here and here helps immensely with feeling lonely, get to know some people here and further loneliness can be avoided

4) Prolonged sense of worthlessness and lack of motivation

It's hard, the fact that you were abused by your parents, it wasn't your fault, it may make you feel like **** and taken your sense of self worth away, but with therapy, if you talk to someone about it, it can be overcome

5) Not one close relationship with anyone

Yep, no experience with relationships of any kind makes it hard to have relationships, it's sort of a catch 22, but it's a cycle that can be broken, it just requires immense effort

Your just as "meant" to die early as you are "meant" to overcome, it's your decision

 

[Wave Shock]

~Loneliness my high school life.
~Military brat, moving sucks...nuff said
~middle child...more or less the child who has more health problems in life
~A quiet guy all my life. I am just not a talker since I don't have much to say...

Quite frankly, I didn't get much ridicule or abuse...just mild stuff from school which was tolerable.

My life is essentially going nowhere, besides college online...

I pretty much figured I wasn't meant to die early after surviving cancer...meh, nothing to do but live it.

 

[20years2many]

When I was a little kid, I used to dream about the future. Weirdly enough, I never actually "saw" myself as an adult. Even now as a young adult, I don't believe that I have a lot longer. Of course I am depressed and want to die, but I don't think I have it in me to take my life. I have prayed every day for years that I get cancer or some terminal illness. I know it sounds selfish and appalling to people who have suffered with the disease, but I think it would bring me a lot of peace. I'm too scared right now to do the things I love for fear of failure and ridicule in the future. Too many people expect too much of me. My parents are really kind and understanding and they want me to do whatever I love, but I know I will bring them shame if I am a failure. If I have no future, then I would be free to live my life as I have always wanted to. It would bring my family close together, I could see who my REAL friends are, and I would be able to donate all the money that is set aside for my education/myself to people who actually have a chance at succeeding in life. It's a win-win-win situation. Sure, maybe my parents will be sad for a little while, but everyone has to die someday. I just hope I die before my brother and they do. I will definitely not survive or be sane if they go.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Most of my male family died young due to war. I come from a martial family, and that's the only honorable way for a guy to go. So I've never expected in particular to live to a very ripe age, but neither have I wanted to hurry the process. Dying for honor is greater, but I prefer to make the other mofo die for his first

Incidentally, my family has never been particularly poor for long, but I appreciate the fact that we've had to fight for our wealth more than one time. The connection between doing well in life, service to the community, and constant challenges seems natural to me.

But that's one of the reasons why I do abuse caffiene and sometimes push myself beyond my limits. I don't mind life being short so as long as it is glorious.

Regards,
IO

 

[sloth4urluv]

I don't mind life being short so as long as it is glorious.

Words to live by, id much rather die young having lived a full life than to die old and not having ever really lived.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Words to live by, id much rather die young having lived a full life than to die old and not having ever really lived.

Amen.

 

[deathwish123]

childhood abuse, molested at age 10, teased horribly all through school. Drug and Alcohol abuse. no one cared meet my husband while doing drugs married at 23 kids at 24 and 25 brought on severe bipolar 2. end and out of state hospital my husband couldn't handle ignored me no support. many suicide attempts, lived through cancer ready to dye:club:

 

[HoodedMonk]

childhood abuse, molested at age 10, teased horribly all through school. Drug and Alcohol abuse. no one cared meet my husband while doing drugs married at 23 kids at 24 and 25 brought on severe bipolar 2. end and out of state hospital my husband couldn't handle ignored me no support. many suicide attempts, lived through cancer ready to dye:club:

Have you tried your local NAMI group? Mental health support groups? There may be some around where you are. NA might be helpful too.

I'm sure your kids love and need you still too.

 

[lonesomebadger]

My grandfather died at 55 of heart problems. My dad 65 of the same, plus he drank. I had a cousin drop dead of a heart attack at 37. I am taking care of myself, but as I approach 50, I really wonder how much time I have left.

 

[deathwish123]

childhood abuse, molested at age 10, teased horribly all through school. Drug and Alcohol abuse. no one cared meet my husband while doing drugs married at 23 kids at 24 and 25 brought on severe bipolar 2. end and out of state hospital my husband couldn't handle ignored me no support. many suicide attempts, lived through cancer ready to dye:club:

Have you tried your local NAMI group? Mental health support groups? There may be some around where you are. NA might be helpful too.

I'm sure your kids love and need you still too.

Thank you hoodedmonk I go to a nami class twice a month. It helps while Im there but when I leave its all the same. my shrink tells me to get a talk doc but i feel like I'm paying someone to listen to my issues and that's not right and plus the last one didn't think any thing was wrong with me $175 a pop to for 12 visits to tell me the shrink misdiagnosed me. well I didn't think about the NA meetings maybe i'll give those a try

 

[CuriousTurtle]

Have you ever read the book Brave New World by Aldous Huxley? In the book there is a character who commits suicide because he is out of place in society, no world accepts him. One could argue that in the world he was subject to, he was bound to die. I believe that in this world, people can run into the same problem. Honestly though, I think that if you have a family history of depression/suicide/bipolar disorder, you are more subject to run into this problem. This is a subject that fascinates me, the idea that some people can't help the fate of their mental health. But at the end of the day, whether or not you live is up to you, and there are so many great things to live for, it is worth trying even if you think you know that you were meant to die early.