last night was the wors.t

[beingnobody]

I lay in bed most of the night in the darkest place I've been in a decade.

Got out of bed at 3am and started dragging belongings to the dumpster. Fed up with it all. Gonna do the same tonight, building up to calling Goodwill to truck out a donation haul of some bigger things. Just tired of everything.

Hit me like a ton of bricks in middle of night that noone ever visits or calls me. Noone wants to share my company any longer than it takes to drop of food or help me with some task I'm not able to accomplish on my own.

Unwanted, uncared for, desolate.

But one constant to my misery is that it never takes me to a place of anger toward others or any desire to harm anyone.

For sure, if I could find a surefire, guaranteed, no fail way to take my life I would not hesitate a second.

I don't blame anyone not wanting to be around me. I'm nobody's ray of sunshine. It's all on me.

But I still recognize that darkness comes and goes.

Nothing is permanent. Not even despair.

Everything is change.

Don't cling to joy or misery.

Expectation is a one way street to dissapointment.

Enough with the cliches.

Blah.

 

[Minus]

I hope it is passing and things aren't looking as gloomy.

 

[beingnobody]

I hope it is passing and things aren't looking as gloomy.

Thank you. It comes and goes. Black dog. Faithful companion.

 

[TheRealCallie]

If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't bring you food or help you with things.

When was the last time you reached out to your family just to talk? Maybe you should give it another try. It could be that they feel the same way you do and they feel that you don't want them around. It often goes both ways.

 

[ringwood]

If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't bring you food or help you with things.

When was the last time you reached out to your family just to talk? Maybe you should give it another try. It could be that they feel the same way you do and they feel that you don't want them around. It often goes both ways.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Sometimes it just takes a little step to improve your mindset.

Hit me like a ton of bricks in middle of night that noone ever visits or calls me. Noone wants to share my company any longer than it takes to drop of food or help me with some task I'm not able to accomplish on my own.

It's not really true that 'no one wants to share your company'. Just a few days ago you posted that a niece had invited you over for Thanksgiving. If they didn't give a crap about you, the invite wouldn't have been extended. I understand you didn't want to go because of people being un-vaccinated (don't blame you there - I would be the same), but it seems to me they're trying to make an effort to include you. Take them up on the offer.

 

[beingnobody]

If they didn't care about you, they wouldn't bring you food or help you with things.

When was the last time you reached out to your family just to talk? Maybe you should give it another try. It could be that they feel the same way you do and they feel that you don't want them around. It often goes both ways.

My family knows me well and I am very open with my feelings. They are not good with communication. A lot of ADD in my family. When I was writing this I pictured almost this exact comment from you. My depression related angst is fleeting and transient. This is my vent outlet of relief. Psych says to journal. It's passed for now. I let it come and go. We are familiar travelers. Thank you for your insight.

 

[TheRealCallie]

My family knows me well and I am very open with my feelings. They are not good with communication. A lot of ADD in my family. When I was writing this I pictured almost this exact comment from you. My depression related angst is fleeting and transient. This is my vent outlet of relief. Psych says to journal. It's passed for now. I let it come and go. We are familiar travelers. Thank you for your insight.

I'm pretty outspoken myself, but my family have become used to it by now. Can you maybe just not talk about some things with them? We all have people and places were can talk about some things with, but not others.
I get that it comes and goes, I'm just trying to help you reconnect with your family. Regardless what you say, I think you do care about them and want to be around them again. You said you spent a lot of time with your...I think you said niece? Was it a bad parting or was it just because of COVID?

 

[beingnobody]

I'm pretty outspoken myself, but my family have become used to it by now. Can you maybe just not talk about some things with them? We all have people and places were can talk about some things with, but not others.
I get that it comes and goes, I'm just trying to help you reconnect with your family. Regardless what you say, I think you do care about them and want to be around them again. You said you spent a lot of time with your...I think you said niece? Was it a bad parting or was it just because of COVID?

"If they didn't care blah blah"

My sister's imagine themselves Christian and helping me is mostly obligation. when they are bringing me something they will message me to meet them in parking lot to get whatever it is even though I am disabled from stroke, can't walk that distance and use scooter to get around. I have more than enough in my apt. to eat and and would prefer just the presence of their company but that seems beyond their outreach abilities.

My two sister's live together and barely speak. They will accompany each other to medical appointments but can't be bothered to help me get to medical appointments. I have to pay some stranger for that. I can and will occasionally guilt trip one of them to visit casually but loathe having to beg. We don't fight, but they are uncomfortable just visiting casually for any period of time. We have less than zilch in common beyond blood. nothing really to chat about.

I can basically care for myself, cleaning and cooking etc. I have no physical demands I cannot manage. My needs are mostly emotional. My family seem mostly only capable pretentious displays of emotion, myself included I guess.

We were never shown that growing up.

My sister's could not even tell you what "pretentious" means. We are not even on the same intellectual plain of existence.the elder of them, at age 62 has no worldly responsibility or desire other than to be stoned. D

Ditto her daughter, my niece, the feast hostess.

And so it goes. Thank you for indulging my confessional.

 

[Azariah]

i would want to listen to you id visit you if i could.