Long Distance Relationships

[tangerinedream]

there's that wistful yearning that it can work out.

Yes, and that is actually one of the attractions - it gives you something to yearn for, sometimes it's an almost fairy-tale like situation of "Wuv, Twoo Wuv" (name that movie), but let's be practical and hard-nosed for a sec...

In order for that relationship to come to some sort of traditional fruition, big things have to happen - things on the order of sacrifice, faith and trust.

If you're going to be together sooner rather than later, someone has to make some huge decisions like quitting a job, packing up all of his/her **** and moving to be with the other person. I don't know about you, but in this economic climate, the only time I would feel financially secure in doing that was if the guy I was involved with was the sultan of Brunei or the next Bill Gates. So yeah, sacrifice.

Next there is faith that in the long run, things are going to work out, especially if there are reasons you cant move just yet, as in my case, where we both had kids, both had an ex who was involved in our kids' lives, it is not always feasible, right or legal to up and move yourself and your kids to be with someone new. Having faith that that other person will still be around when the kids reach an age of majority is faith with a capital "F."

Then you have to trust that things will work out when you are face-to-face every day with bed-head and morning breath and mundane arguments about who forgot to buy toilet paper at the store and "If I have to eat this **** one more time" and whose turn it is to clean the damn toilet so on and so on. Yeah things can be blissful with the LDR. That quality of wistful yearning is the equivalent of rose-colored glasses.

However, if you and your beloved are extraordinary people (as I'm sure you are) you might be able to pull it off.

Long-Distance Relationships?

NEVER *******-EVER AGAIN.


you can quote me on that

Requesting story time please

Too soon. I'm still pretty ******* traumatized by the latest one.
Emotionally, I'm in my den, licking my wounds.

 

[dorky76]

I have heard a couple of LDR end up working out, but for the most part, they end up as failures. With mine, we ended around the 6 month part of the LDR portion. We met when she was an ESL student here for a year to study English. We were together for 6 months before she had to go back to Korea. We tried to keep a LDR thing going but I think we both pretty much knew it was over when she left. She was my first love and it took me a long time to get over her. Mostly because I didn't want to go through the pain of losing someone I cared about again. For over 10 years I stopped dating, going out to have fun and socialize. I got so depressed at one point that all I did was get stoned and vegged out watching TV. I did some drastic things to get myself out of the depression I was falling into.

I eventually found someone whom I thought I could spend the rest of my life with again. The problem this time was I guess she wasn't sure I was the one for her because in the end she didn't want to be with me. So since it took me 10 years to get over the first one, will it get easier the this time?

 

[jales]

In my experience most face-to-face relationships end in failure as well. But maybe i am wrong.

what do other people think about this??

 

[Nitramici]

I think there's nothing wrong with LDR. They come, they go...It's fun while it lasts, isn't it? I wouldn't know, I never was in one, but it still sounds fun while it lasts, correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think the pain felt when it ends is worse than the pain felt when a face-to-face relationship ends.

The only thing I could see against LDR (other than being frustrated from lack of physical contact) is their success rate over long periods of time might be much lower than face-to-face relationships. Might. That and meeting face-to-face just to find out you don't really match together. That sounds horrible.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

This is very dependent on specific situations. For example in the long distance relationship I had, we both loved each other enough to move but due to financial and legal reasons it was impossible for either of us to move for 2 years. We knew that and because we loved each other so much we decided to wait rather than break up.

I can understand financial reasons. That is why I said they can go on for a couple of months. Legal reasons.... well unless both of you were undergoing some kind of probation where you were not allowed to leave the state then one of your could have come to the other. You talk about love and all of this stuff. However, you are not willing to take a chance and make things work? Sounds to me like you two were not completely sold on each other yet.

This is true of ALL relationships. I am not confident in my ability to find someone else as good as my husband. And that is simply because he is so amazing. He understands me completely and I basically love everything about him. I really do not think there is another man out there who compares or who could compare and I don't really think that that is so wrong.

So if your husband gets hit by a bus the romantic part of your life is over? Keep in mind I said find someone else. Personally I do not believe that people should be in relationships if they are not confident in their ability to find a suitable mate. After all, you should be complete on your own. A mate should just be something that is nice to have.

edited: I am not really disturbed by your opinion here and it is fine that you think this way, but I think for most people it is different. When a person meets the right person, I think that even they will be willing to wait years to be with her/him.

Then the love is one-sided. Call my cynical, but that person is not willing to be with you. They are saying you are secondary. If you are secondary they will have no reason to be faithful or to even honor what they say years down the road. I have seen my former roommate go through exactly that. His ex girlfriend told him that she loved him, and that she wanted to go to a specific college. Do not get me wrong it was only a 2 hour drive to her school. However, in the end the main reason she wanted him there was to be her emotional pillow. A boyfriend is always supposed to be there for his girlfriend right? Eventually she just used him for a while.

I think there are exceptions. But who knows? Maybe I am wrong.

Exceptions just appear as uncertainty and weakness to me. Saying "We would be together, but... X" is just saying that you are not 100% sure of your feelings for this person. However, you would rather be 50% and not have the terrible stigma of being called single. Because single people are bad or sad people. I guess there could be exceptions. Such as the two of you are both in prison in different parts of the country or you both have some kind of legal hold on you that says you are not allowed to leave a particular area under punishment of imprisonment. However, otherwise everything else is just an excuse. Why be scared of going into debt? After all, this person is the one right? That individual should be more than happy to help you pay that stuff off. After all you made the sacrifice to move. If you are too scared of wrecking your current life, then you should find someone close by.

 

[Limlim]

Seems a little unrealistic to up and leave everything at the beginning. That's like moving in together after your first date. I could see an LDR working, but only if there were a plan in place to be together physically eventually. But I wouldn't go for an indefinite no contact at all thing.

But that's just me, I would want sexy times.

 

[Claudia]

I recently had a long-distance relationship. I found it a little awkward communicating my feelings over MSN and I would often come off the wrong way and he would get annoyed at me. I had fun when he came over but it was a bit strange as we would go 2 months without seeing each other then he would stay at mine and be here 24/7. It didn't really work out in the end as he couldn't put up with my shyness. I guess I seem more interesting on Facebook.

 

[Callie]

I've never had a long distance relationship before.... Well, not a REAL one anyway. I wouldn't be opposed to trying one... IF I cared about the person enough to attempt it.

 

[RavenQuill]

I've had 3 long distance relationships, and none of them worked out. I won't say that was because they were long distance relationships, but that the men weren't right for me. Well, the first 2 weren't right for me, and the last one was just bad timing. I believe that long distance relationships can work, if the people involved are open and honest with each other, as in any relationship. The distance can put a strain on the relationship, but no more than family issues, finances, education, jealousy, etc. The relationship is what you make it.

 

[PoetryFlows4rmMe]

I was on one for 2 years.

We met online (@ alonelylife), then met in person, he visited me when he could. He lived in the Netherlands, I lived in Jamaica. We got married while in a long distance relationship.

Now we live together and we are really, really happy. We have been living together for a year. And while long distance, I was studying so I got to spend 3 to 4 months out of the year living with him in the Netherlands.

That is Truly amazing. Congratulations to you ans best wishes with your Marriage.

 

[PoetryFlows4rmMe]

Yes, a 2000+ miles away one.

Wow, I know that must have been difficult.

---

I have heard a couple of LDR end up working out, but for the most part, they end up as failures. With mine, we ended around the 6 month part of the LDR portion. We met when she was an ESL student here for a year to study English. We were together for 6 months before she had to go back to Korea. We tried to keep a LDR thing going but I think we both pretty much knew it was over when she left. She was my first love and it took me a long time to get over her. Mostly because I didn't want to go through the pain of losing someone I cared about again. For over 10 years I stopped dating, going out to have fun and socialize. I got so depressed at one point that all I did was get stoned and vegged out watching TV. I did some drastic things to get myself out of the depression I was falling into.

I eventually found someone whom I thought I could spend the rest of my life with again. The problem this time was I guess she wasn't sure I was the one for her because in the end she didn't want to be with me. So since it took me 10 years to get over the first one, will it get easier the this time?

No, nothing ever hurts the same as your first love. I'm really sad to hear about your hard times with depression, but have you come out of it any? Plus this girl...there must've been a reason God didn't want you guys together. I'm a spirtual person, but I know first hand how much life can can suck. All I can say is keep hoping for better and if your the praying kind do that too, becuase unfortunately nothing in this life is promised.

---

I think there's nothing wrong with LDR. They come, they go...It's fun while it lasts, isn't it? I wouldn't know, I never was in one, but it still sounds fun while it lasts, correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think the pain felt when it ends is worse than the pain felt when a face-to-face relationship ends.

The only thing I could see against LDR (other than being frustrated from lack of physical contact) is their success rate over long periods of time might be much lower than face-to-face relationships. Might. That and meeting face-to-face just to find out you don't really match together. That sounds horrible.

Actaully if anything I think LDR last longer than other relationships simply because one relies so strongly on trust and communication. Without those two fundamental principles in a relationship thtere is nothing, especially in a LDR

Trust me (4 years experience)

---

I think there's nothing wrong with LDR. They come, they go...It's fun while it lasts, isn't it? I wouldn't know, I never was in one, but it still sounds fun while it lasts, correct me if I'm wrong. I don't think the pain felt when it ends is worse than the pain felt when a face-to-face relationship ends.

The only thing I could see against LDR (other than being frustrated from lack of physical contact) is their success rate over long periods of time might be much lower than face-to-face relationships. Might. That and meeting face-to-face just to find out you don't really match together. That sounds horrible.

Actaully if anything I think LDR last longer than other relationships simply because one relies so strongly on trust and communication. Without those two fundamental principles in a relationship thtere is nothing, especially in a LDR

Trust me (4 years experience)

 

[cool_breeze]

About your relationship, sorry that it ended so strangely. I think LDR can be just like real ones, most times they do not work out.. but that is okay because when it does work out .. it will last and all the failed times will suddenly have been worth it.

Well that's great Jales. Nice success story. Why are you still on here then? Just for fun and to help others?

I suppose I'm in sort of a failed one. Met a girl when I was traveling, kept in touch after it for almost a year, don't really hear from her anymore. It makes me pretty sad. I'm not one of these stoic people who just moves from situation to situation in life without anything affecting me. More the opposite. The fleeting nature of life and the good times that fade away makes me sad. Maybe I'm a dreamer but I don't see why something like this should end

Well, finally heard from her. I was so relieved. I guess there are some health problems in her family so she hasn't really been available. That's what she said. Except now after being AWOL for so long, she has this thing she does where she gets online but doesn't say anything or acknowledge me in any way. She's normally quite sweet. I don't like being clingy or jealous or anything. I understand if her family has to come first. I do wish we were talking more though. And I don't really understand this new thing she does. Is she doing work? Wants some space? Doing something online related to a family member's health? When she came back I was so excited I sent her a bunch of messages. Hope I didn't overdo it maybe? We're generally real sweet and loving with each other.

I might just be overreacting and over-thinking it. I knew this was going to happen. She came back and I was relieved but I knew communication after that might be less than I'd like. All I know is, I hope I can know her my whole life even if we were just friends. I think our connection is really valuable. When we don't talk I get real sad.

 

[LucieMay]

For someone with my domestic situation (young child, single parent), they're a complete no no. It is hard enough even to date people close by.

However, I think if you're in the right situation (young, few ties, able to travel easily etc) they're doable. However, ultimately one of you has to be willing to move if the relationship is to go long term. They shouldn't be entered into blindly and that should be on people's minds from the start.

Lucie May I was wondering as a parent, how would you feel if somehow down the line your child got involved in an LDR or online boyfriend? or girlfriend?

---

Well my son is only five so I find it very difficult yet to imagine him as a grown up in a relationship! I hope to always be supportive of his choices, while offering him a shoulder to cry on if it goes wrong. At the moment he's my lovely little baby who thinks the world revolves around me, but I know it won't always be that way and one day he will make his own way in the adult world, whatever that will be.

 

[Soup]

I can't say they're my cup of tea... not in the slightest.
Perhaps I'm a little paranoid but if I was getting to know someone and developing feelings for them online and they admitted to having feelings towards me, thoughts always cross my mind
"I'm getting feelings for this person because they're special in a way that intrigues, interests and attracts me... so if they're like this, why aren't they already in a relationship.. are they who they say they are?"
"If they have feelings for me why haven't others admitted to having feelings towards me.. others I know in 'the real world', so to speak, are they saying this for some other reason and if they are, to what end?"
Not to mention that they're impractical.
I'm sure my thoughts are a little paranoid, but they also make a lot of sense.
For me.. to be in a relationship, I want to be able to touch their skin, kiss them.. hold them in bed, not have to miss them for long periods of time because it's impractical for us to see each other a lot. I know if people are in love they can make it work and maybe one day 'fate' will prove me wrong and I'll fall deeply in love and engage in a LDR... but at this point they don't seem to be for me.

 

[ShybutHi]

Well there are LOTS of people out there in LDR's.

"I'm getting feelings for this person because they're special in a way that intrigues, interests and attracts me... so if they're like this, why aren't they already in a relationship.. are they who they say they are?"
"If they have feelings for me why haven't others admitted to having feelings towards me.. others I know in 'the real world', so to speak, are they saying this for some other reason and if they are, to what end?"

That does sound a little paranoid to me to be honest. There are millions of perfectly nice and interesting people out there who are not in a relationship.
You are right though that you have to be careful because its just so easy to get the wrong impression from people especially online... it really depends how honest the person is and unfortunatly there are alot of people out there who seem to believe it is fine to lie to people just because they are not in the local area.

I dont think there is a problem with LDR's at all but they are certainly hard to maintain, it depends on the people involved. The best thing to do is just to go into it knowing full well that there is a good chance it may not work out.

 

[Soup]

Go into your LDR expecting failure. Sounds like a plan.

 

[ShybutHi]

Go into your LDR expecting failure. Sounds like a plan.

Oh come on lol you know thats not what I meant.
I mean just keep it in mind that it is a hard thing to maintain and make sure you dont have such grand expectations from the relationship, keep things logical and try not to get overly attached. If you go into it expecting everything to work out perfectly (its like any relationship really but even more so with LDR's) and it doesnt work out it will just be an "I told you so" moment with much uneeded emotional pain.

 

[Soup]

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
It's expecting a lot for someone to go into a relationship and keep things purely logical without getting overly attached. 'Love' isn't logical.
I see where you're coming from and I see that in very rare cases, theoretically, it could work out.

 

[PurpleDays]

Been there, done that, either inter-country or across the Atlantic, it just doesn't work for me.

I'm too jealous and I love cuddles way too much.

Simples.

 

[Soup]

Pixel jealousy. Beautiful.
Cuddles are, however.. beautiful