When a lady from work found out that I liked her. She told me she would not mind being my friend. Ugg. We are both over 50 and I believe very honest with one another. Have been doing things together for about 3 months now, and really enjoying eachothers company. Give hugs every time I leave. About a week ago we were walking and she just put her arm around me. Did not expect that, so I put my arm around her waist. Lasted all of about 30 seconds. Thought I would test the waters, and kissed her on the cheek when I gave her a hug. Seemed harmless. But a couple days later I went to give her a hug before leaving, while she was sitting and she put her head down when I gave her the hug. Does it look like even a kiss on the cheek is off the table? Confused because she said she could not even bear the though of loosing me. Am I friendzoned forever.
Mixed signals or no signals
- Thread starter sgwayne
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No signals. Not mixed.
She only wants to be platonic friends? Yes. As she knows you want more, part of the reason she's keeping you around is for the ego boost. There's a minor sense of power to be platonic with someone who wants more.
She put her arm around your waist, because she thought you'd interpret the way she meant it: platonically. You kissing her on the cheek indicated to her you misunderstood her intention. She put her head down to reestablish platonic boundaries.
She only wants to be platonic friends? Yes. As she knows you want more, part of the reason she's keeping you around is for the ego boost. There's a minor sense of power to be platonic with someone who wants more.
She put her arm around your waist, because she thought you'd interpret the way she meant it: platonically. You kissing her on the cheek indicated to her you misunderstood her intention. She put her head down to reestablish platonic boundaries.
This kind of sucks for me. I am the typical nice guy. Yes she knows I like her more than a friend, at least I think. I never really told her. Am I just waiting in the wing till her dream guy comes along. Should I just bow out gracefully before I get attached anymore than I am?
Yukongirl
Infrequent Visitor
sgwayne said:
Then maybe you should let her know how you really feel and see where that leads you....
Working with her makes things more difficult.
Think the best option is to walk away. Never initiate interactions with her. Don't invite her to spend time with you outside of work. She invites you, politely decline, say you have plans. Don't hang out with her at work (don't eat lunch together, unless there's more than the 2 of you). Don't talk on the phone (she calls, have it go to voicemail...if a response is vital, text or speak to her at work the next day). Don't text. She texts you, be slow to reply. Be polite, but that's it. Don't joke. Don't flirt.
When you have to interact with her, be polite, pleasant, civil...but not friendly. One of 2 things will happen. Either you'll naturally grow distant from each other. To acquaintances, then to simply coworkers.
Or, she'll question you as to why you're cool with her. Then you put your cards on the table. Tell her you don't want a platonic friendship. If that's all she can offer, tell her you can only be coworkers.
Find other women to try to start to interact with nonplatonically, immediately. Preferably not at work.
Think the best option is to walk away. Never initiate interactions with her. Don't invite her to spend time with you outside of work. She invites you, politely decline, say you have plans. Don't hang out with her at work (don't eat lunch together, unless there's more than the 2 of you). Don't talk on the phone (she calls, have it go to voicemail...if a response is vital, text or speak to her at work the next day). Don't text. She texts you, be slow to reply. Be polite, but that's it. Don't joke. Don't flirt.
When you have to interact with her, be polite, pleasant, civil...but not friendly. One of 2 things will happen. Either you'll naturally grow distant from each other. To acquaintances, then to simply coworkers.
Or, she'll question you as to why you're cool with her. Then you put your cards on the table. Tell her you don't want a platonic friendship. If that's all she can offer, tell her you can only be coworkers.
Find other women to try to start to interact with nonplatonically, immediately. Preferably not at work.
Hoarse Whisperer
You like me and I, like you, like me.
A lot of really great guys fall into the mind trap of "I'm a nice, easy going guy, so why are women not more receptive towards me?"
The reality is that you have to offer more than kindness and generosity, and sometimes even the world isn't enough if the chemistry isn't mutual. It does help to be attractive, but it also helps to have somebody that is fun to be around- somebody with hobbies and a life. It's hard to establish chemistry without having something to build it upon- the "you" that you know isn't what people are seeing. Think of it like you're trying to sell a house- it may be wonderful and cozy inside, but people are looking at the yard and the property first, right?
Gender stereotypes aside, most cultures have the mindset that the man makes the first move with no indecision: you ask the woman out (don't express romantic feelings, ask her out socially). When you jump the gun and dive straight into home plate with romantic feelings, she isn't going to be receptive, usually. When you ask her out, have an idea of what you want to do with her- absolutely no hint of "what do YOU want to do?". Have a plan and invite her to participate with you. If she flat out rejects you, don't dwell on it. There's a difference between playing hard to get and open rejection.
Rather than thinking of her as a potential romantic interest, think of her as a friend first- ask her out, build a connection. If there is chemistry between you two, she will be receptive to a second date. If she doesn't seem to be interested in spending time with you when you're offering it, don't cling on and act desperate: take the loss and move on, look for the next person you wouldn't mind trying to get to know... each failure, while morale crushing, will build your confidence in making the motions.
And try to make dating fun- it doesn't have to be this imposing monster. If you're not out having fun on an early date, you're wasting your time.
The reality is that you have to offer more than kindness and generosity, and sometimes even the world isn't enough if the chemistry isn't mutual. It does help to be attractive, but it also helps to have somebody that is fun to be around- somebody with hobbies and a life. It's hard to establish chemistry without having something to build it upon- the "you" that you know isn't what people are seeing. Think of it like you're trying to sell a house- it may be wonderful and cozy inside, but people are looking at the yard and the property first, right?
Gender stereotypes aside, most cultures have the mindset that the man makes the first move with no indecision: you ask the woman out (don't express romantic feelings, ask her out socially). When you jump the gun and dive straight into home plate with romantic feelings, she isn't going to be receptive, usually. When you ask her out, have an idea of what you want to do with her- absolutely no hint of "what do YOU want to do?". Have a plan and invite her to participate with you. If she flat out rejects you, don't dwell on it. There's a difference between playing hard to get and open rejection.
Rather than thinking of her as a potential romantic interest, think of her as a friend first- ask her out, build a connection. If there is chemistry between you two, she will be receptive to a second date. If she doesn't seem to be interested in spending time with you when you're offering it, don't cling on and act desperate: take the loss and move on, look for the next person you wouldn't mind trying to get to know... each failure, while morale crushing, will build your confidence in making the motions.
And try to make dating fun- it doesn't have to be this imposing monster. If you're not out having fun on an early date, you're wasting your time.
I talked to her tonight, just normal conversation. But what confuses me is, she wants to give me a key to her place and wants me to stay there to watch her dogs when she goes to visit her son. She wanted me to move into the place right next door to be close. Told her the rent was too high. She said she needs to lose weight and would like me to take walks with her. Again I never asked her what she felt and never told her the way I felt. I just get this friend vibe about her. Can I be taking her moving her head down to avoid a kiss the wrong way. Because originally she said she wanted a friend, I have been behaving. But the kiss on the cheek I did give her was a couple days later from the time she put her arm around me. It was a hug good by and a quick peck. It was the next day she invited me over so she could make me dinner that she moved her head down to avoid a kiss. Maybe I'll just tell her I feel a little deeper about her than she thinks and see what happens.
Women are actually hardwired to find benefit in having men around them. It origonally stems from a protective mechanism, but in these times there is sort of a disconnect. It's kinda like how we are made to think salt and sugar is scarce so we gorge on it, even though logically we know its easy to get access to it down at the store.
You can't fully blame women for friendzoning you, but having said that it does seem like you are friendzoned. THe only way I've found this can be turned around is if you start meeting other women. Again, its competitive wiring that you'd be triggering.
Friendships with women can often be super rewarding and lead you to meeting other women, so think about that too. However, if its truly getting you down, it's often best to just cut that friendzone chord off completely, for your own sanity
You can't fully blame women for friendzoning you, but having said that it does seem like you are friendzoned. THe only way I've found this can be turned around is if you start meeting other women. Again, its competitive wiring that you'd be triggering.
Friendships with women can often be super rewarding and lead you to meeting other women, so think about that too. However, if its truly getting you down, it's often best to just cut that friendzone chord off completely, for your own sanity
Hoarse is right, being nice & easy going isn't enough. Need to bring more to the table. No one'll want to date anyone whose only trait is they're nice.
prp is right, if you're going to have a platonic relationship with her (again, I'd walk away if she doesn't want anything nonplatonic), put her to work. Make a wingwoman out of her. Get her to help you get other women. Ask her for advice about another woman. If she wants you to look after her dogs, she does this for you. Don't do favors in exchange for nothing. "You scratch my back..."
Key to her place, etc...it's only confusing because you want there to be mixed signals, which is understandable. Whenever someone's attracted to another, they always hope the feeling's mutual, so will misread platonic gestures as something they're not. Your desire for her is giving you false hope the signals are mixed. They're not.
Women don't give their keys & ask for favors (looking after dogs) of men they're attracted to. They do that to platonic friends. The kiss dodge was a very clear signal: Not interested.
prp is right, if you're going to have a platonic relationship with her (again, I'd walk away if she doesn't want anything nonplatonic), put her to work. Make a wingwoman out of her. Get her to help you get other women. Ask her for advice about another woman. If she wants you to look after her dogs, she does this for you. Don't do favors in exchange for nothing. "You scratch my back..."
Key to her place, etc...it's only confusing because you want there to be mixed signals, which is understandable. Whenever someone's attracted to another, they always hope the feeling's mutual, so will misread platonic gestures as something they're not. Your desire for her is giving you false hope the signals are mixed. They're not.
Women don't give their keys & ask for favors (looking after dogs) of men they're attracted to. They do that to platonic friends. The kiss dodge was a very clear signal: Not interested.
TheRealCallie
Princess Pink Love
Nwahs said:
That's not true....I've seen it done, I've done it. Sorry, but attracted or not, I'm going to entrust my dogs/cats/whatever to someone I TRUST. **** whether I feel platonic or otherwise toward them, someone I think will do the right thing will take care of the things I love.
As for the mixed signals....there could be arguments for either side, but that doesn't really matter. The only way you will KNOW is if you ask.
ardour
Well known loser
It could be that she's aware of your feelings and using them as leverage to gain favours and support from you. Or maybe she's just desperate for a friend. Either way it seems like a platonic interest.
